“The Moon Landing was fake! Princess Diana was killed by the Queen! Justin Bieber is a lizard!”
We all love a ridiculous conspiracy theory, right? We all think they are dumb, right? And yet, sometimes, one of them seems to have a little more to it, right? Right.
Hopefully none of you believe any of the theories in the list below, because they are all, to use a scientific term, fucking mental. To illustrate this point, I have made one up myself. I’m not gonna tell you which one, obviously.
The best thing about Last Thursdayism is that it is also known as Last Tuesdayism or Last Wednesdayism.
Basically, this one centers on the concept that the universe was only created X amount of time ago (Last Thursday) and will be created again in X amount of time (Next Thursday). Everything you remember from pre-Thursday was formed at the creation of the universe last week. The Church of Last Thursday believe that your actions during the last week will determine whether or not you will be admitted into paradise.
However, there are different strands of the… I hesitate to call it a religion, but let’s say it anyway. There are different strands of the religion. Some believe that the universe is repeatedly created by a higher being or God as a means to test humanity and determine the end destination for the souls. However, others believe that the universe was created by you the individual as a test for yourself, and you receive a reward or a punishment as a result.
Some of the more bizarre (that’s right, because the rest of it wasn’t bizarre enough) elements of Last Thursdayism are:
- That left-handedness is a sin
- That everyone but you were placed here and pre-programme to act as parts of your test environment
- That everyone knows this but you
Red Haired People are Literal Angels
You can probably guess what the concept behind this one is, but it takes a little unpicking. Essentially, there is a theory that claims red-haired people are angels sent by God to live among us and basically keep an eye out. Obviously God can’t be everywhere all the time, and needs a little help.
The reason why we don’t all know this is because Satanists and/or the illuminati (depending on who you listen to) have been hiding it. They have been covering up historic works of art that depict angels as having red hair, and they have been ridiculing red-haired people in the media for years, in a bid to undermine Christianity.
Probably the best thing about this theory is that some people have highlighted how angels are always depicted as having fair, very pale skin. You can connect the dots yourself.
Keanu Reeves is Immortal
It doesn’t have a fancy name, but it does what it says on the tin: there are some people who believe that Keanu Reeves is immortal.
Apparently you can look at portraits of men throughout the ages and see a number of paintings with a striking resemblance to the actor. Add in the fact that he doesn’t look like he has aged over the past 25 years and maybe they’re onto something…
Keanu said in an interview once that he didn’t care about money because he had earned enough to keep him “comfortable for a couple of centuries”. If that isn’t an admission then I don’t know what is.
There’s also a theory that Nicolas Cage is a vampire, so maybe lets tie the two together and say that Reeves is a Dracula too. Why not?
Hollow Earth Theory
There are a couple of different strands on Hollow Earth Theory, but they both revolve around the idea that, yep you guessed it, the earth is hollow.
One version suggests that we live on the external surface of the earth, but that there are communities of people living on a smaller earth inside ours on different layers. As far as I can make out, this strand doesn’t have a particular name, but it should definitely be called the Russian Doll Theory.
It’s kind of crazy to think that that version isn’t the most batshit version of Hollow Earth Theory, but it genuinely might not be. That’s because there is another version that says that our universe is insular and held within the Earth. We live in the inside surface of the planet, and when we look up and out to the stars, we are actually looking in towards the core. Essentially it’s like imagining we live inside a giant ball.
This second version is known as a Concave Hollow Earth. One of the most mental parts about it is that Adolf Hitler was apparently influenced by Concave Hollow Earth theory and tried to spy on the British naval fleet by pointing infrared cameras up at the sky.
Hollow Earth theory was a commonly believed until around the 18th century when it was dispelled by, y’know, science. But obviously that doesn’t stop some people from being complete nutters and believing it still.
The Mandela Effect
The Mandela Effect is basically about false memories. It is named after Nelson Mandela. Apparently (I wasn’t alive then), everyone remembered Mandela dying in prison. But then he got released from prison, and everyone was confused as heck.
Now, the Mandela Effect theorizes that the reason a group of people would all misremember an event is because there are multiple different realities. These memories are created a time traveller of sorts changing history and creating a new timeline. Some of us have then, somehow, moved between the realities, and still remember things that happen in our first timeline that never happened in the second.
There are loads of examples of this in advertising and media. For example, Berenstain Bears vs Berenstein, Febreze vs Febreeze, and whether or not Pikachu had a black mark on the end of its tail.
The theory of false memories has been about for a long time, but it was firmly established in 2010 and renamed as the Mandela Effect by Fiona Broome. Now, I know what you’re thinking: “Is Fiona Broome qualified to make such a statement?!” Well, I don’t know about you, but if ANYONE is qualified enough to suggest there are time travellers and alternate realities messing with us, it’s a “paranormal consultant”.
Which one was made up? How’s about which one wasn’t?
So, obviously the one I made up was the one about red headed people being angels. Or was it Hollow Earth? Wait… was it Keanu? Oh Christ, I’ve fallen down the rabbit hole. I’m in too deep. The theories… they all… make sense?! No, obviously they don’t, they are all complete and utter bullshit, and the the one I made up was the one about angels.
Don’t believe things you read online, lads.