Are you stressed enough? Do you have enough to do? Are the holidays hectic and harried enough already? If you answered “hell no!” to any or all of those questions, I have the perfect solution for you.
Elf on the Shelf!
Oh, I’m sorry, you’ve been there, done that? You’re an old pro at elaborately positioning the elf for maximum hilarity, and exaggerated surveillance, all through the holiday season? Your kids are well-conditioned to fear his impish gaze, filled with anxiety that he’s reporting their every misdeed to Santa Claus?
Allow me to be, in the words of one of America’s greatest Christmas heroes, the monkey in the wrench.
The Elf on the Shelf now has a family. If you want it to.
A company called My Magical Moments provides extra elves and accessories to complete your Elf on the Shelf’s sad little life. You can furnish the creepy peeper with a spouse, with babies, with costumes – including a karate outfit and a robe – and even with all the extra furniture having a family necessitates, like a high chair and a crib.
Does this seem like more trouble than it’s worth? Probably. But at least these accessories are relatively cheap. Besides, if you’re anything like most people who made the mistake of opting-in on the Elf on the Shelf phenomenon and are now scrambling to move the stupid thing every night if you even remember in the first place, you probably hate the Elf. You probably want a little payback for having had your December ruined by its high-maintenance ass!
What better way to destroy your Elf’s life than by saddling it with a bunch of little elf brats and all their attendant items?
Not only can you get some revenge on the obnoxious doll that’s ruining your life, you suddenly have an ironclad excuse when your kid wants to know why the Elf didn’t move. Look, kid, you wouldn’t move much either if you’d been up 6 times that night trying to get Baby on the Shelf to go the fuck to sleep! The elf is exhausted!
Now if you’ll excuse me, I’ve got some elf babies to buy.