Brave Goalie Saves Goal With His Penis

image via Getty images/ Manuel-F-O

This is truly man at his best

I never enjoyed playing soccer as a kid, nor watching soccer as an adult, and over the years I’ve watched America’s slow adoption of the world’s most popular sport with bemusement and concern. Did I miss the boat?

Because the other day, a German goalkeeper made the ultimate sacrifice to do his job when he stopped a ball with his penis.

The bizarre incident only leaves me more conflicted. I’m glad I didn’t play enough soccer for this to happen to me, but I’m sad I don’t watch enough soccer to see it happen to someone else…

A story on Goal.com details Rafael Wolf, a goalkeeper for a team called Fortuna Dusseldorf, prevented the opposing team from netting points by using his crotch to deflect a free kick.

Normally, you might want to keep something like that quiet, especially since after getting hit in the nuts with a soccer ball, you probably can’t speak for a while anyway. But Wolf seems almost proud to be a socc-blocker.

“You always say with your balls but this one I saved with my penis,” the 29-year-old said after the match.

That’s definitely true. I do always say “with your balls.” Ask my wife!

His heroics helped Fortuna Dusseldorf overcome Arminia Bielefeld 2-0, which means he could have skipped out of the way to protect himself and still won the match, but no. He refused. He also inexplicably refuses to wear a cup, claiming it stops him from being able to run well. You know what also stops you from being able to run well? AGONIZING PAIN TO THE CROTCHAL REGION.

“I have worn protection as a youth at Hallenspielen. But you can’t run properly – it’s crap!”

Not as crappy as no longer being able to have children? It’s an unanswerable question, except for the fact that running improperly is nowhere near as crappy.

Don’t worry, after the match, the goalkeeper shrugged off the injury and dismissed the pain as no big deal.

HAHAHA, JUST KIDDING!

“First the pain was hellish but after some ice and rest it was okay.”

Yeah, cool. It started at “hellish” and then slowly went to “holy shit I’m dying” before ramping down to merely “torturous” and eventually subsiding. No big deal!

The good news is, with the victory Rafael and his teammates remain atop the “2 Bundesliga table, three points clear of second placed Holsten Kiel after 10 games.”

None of which I understand and am not entirely convinced wasn’t something the goalkeeper blurted out while writhing in pain on the pitch.

Son Surprises Ailing Dad With Tickets To College World Series

Father’s Day is a special time to celebrate your old man, and show him how much you appreciate the role he’s played in your life all these years. Especially since, as we get older, our dads do too, and they may not have many Father’s Days left.

Matt Lea recognized that this Father’s Day, and so went out of his way to make it a memorable one, for both him and his father, both former college baseball players who bonded over the game as Matt was growing up.

Matt’s father Billy suffers from Alzheimer’s Disease, and the symptoms have been accruing rapidly. But that doesn’t mean there isn’t time for more memories, and Matt used the latest Father’s Day as an opportunity to do just that. The 36-year-old drove 12 hours, from Florida to Mississippi, and surprised his parents at their doorstep on Sunday.

He was bearing gifts as well, bringing his dad the jersey of his favorite baseball team, Mississippi State. But that wasn’t all. Matt brought tickets too, to see the College World Series in Omaha in person.

In video of the exchange that Matt posted on Twitter, his dad was clearly taken by surprise.

“I figured it’s probably not good enough just for us to watch the game here,” Matt says in the video as he produces the tickets. “How about we go to Omaha? Do you want to go up to Omaha and watch the College World Series together?”

“Golly,” an emotional Billy responds. “You’re gonna break my heart, here.”

Matt’s gift for his dad received a rapturous response from Twitter, where it’s been liked 46,000 times and retweeted 11,000 times.

Matt seemed as surprised by the response as his dad was by the gift, as everyone who celebrated Father’s Day yesterday knows, there’s nothing better than sharing meaningful memories with your dad, which is exactly what Matt did. An article on Omaha.com details Billy’s baseball past, the initial diagnosis of his Alzheimer’s, the VIP experience Matt treated him too over the weekend.

Matt’s Twitter account showcased the rest.

Happy Father’s Day!

Amazing Street Artist Uses Everyday Objects As His Canvas

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Artist Tom Bob doesn’t see the world like other people. Where you and I might see sewer grates or metal pipes, he sees ghosts and saxophone players.

Check out some of the amazing ways he’s transforming parts of New York City into works of art.

(Twitter/tombobnyc)
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(Twitter/tombobnyc)
(Twitter/tombobnyc)

Check out more of Tom Bob and his unique artwork here.

Father Figures: Heroes

“On February 2, 2011, my daughter was born. The whole thing started pretty normally about 2:30 am or so, my wife woke me up and said, ‘Honey, it is time to go,’ so we went to the hospital in a snowstorm.

That was the easy part.

When they put the belly monitor on her they noticed that the babies heart rate would drop to low whenever my wife would have a contraction. She needed emergency C-section, but the doctor could not make it due to the storm, and when he finally arrived it was rush rush rush!
Well when my daughter Emily did arrive, she had internal bleeding throughout her body, which included two grade 4 brain bleeds. We could not touch her because she would bruise and start bleeding.
They had to life-flight her to the university, where she spent 5 1/2 weeks in the NICU, which left her (you may want to sit down) deaf/blind, with hydrocephalus, a shunt, cerebral palsy, and seizures (at age 6, she needed a baclofen pump because her CP got too bad to handle without it). She is doing great today. She is happy, loves life, and everyone who meets her says that she makes their day and she is beautiful.
To pay back our little community, I became a first responder, mostly a firefighter, but I did help with EMS. Never got my certification, but that is where I found out that in the U.S. we do not have any training for first responders to deal with children with special needs.
I have made it my personal mission to teach first responders about kids with special needs.
I have taken to Emily to every EMS/Fire station in the five counties around me. I have taken her to the police and sheriff’s departments to train them, and now I have a waiting list to get trained.
I don’t know if I am the hero here, but I needed to tell the story.”

– Mike Kuyper

Want to share a story about fatherhood? Email fatherfigures@thedad.com

Low Cost Cosplay Guy Makes The World A Better Place

(Facebook/Lowcostcosplay)

Anucha “Cha” Saengchart, the genius behind “Low Cost Cosplay,” has amassed millions of followers with his incredible reimaginings of famous fictional characters.

Whether you’re planning on portraying your favorite anime character or a Marvel superhero, this guy can show you how to do it effectively and on a string budget.

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Can’t get enough? Check out more creative cosplay on his Facebook page.

Dad Turns Photos Of Daughter Into Kickass Album Covers

(Instagram/rfosterdesign)

When graphic designer Ryan Foster spotted a somber, black and white photo of his daughter, Harper Lou, it instantly reminded him of a blues album cover. He couldn’t help but throw some graphics onto the image to create her first “album” cover himself.

This has led to a series of album covers featuring Harper Lou, many of which look pretty damn legit. She may not be making actual records yet, but her dad will definitely be ready when she does.

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You can find more awesome album covers as well as other design projects by Ryan on his Instagram.

Father Figures: Bill Stumpf

Our first episode of Father Figures, a show highlighting what it means to be a dad. First up, we celebrate Bill Stumpf. Happy Father’s Day, everyone.

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The 5 Hottest Father’s Day Tech Gifts Your Dad Will Ask To See The Receipt For

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Mother’s Day is in the rearview and our annual celebration of everything Dad is fast approaching. Sure, he loved those grilling tongs and Three Stooges boxsets you got him last year. But if there’s one things all dads love, it’s being assured that they’ve genetically passed on their cheapness. Here are 5 Father’s Day gadgets your dad is definitely going to demand the receipt for.

1. A smart speaker

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Source: Amazon

These have become relatively expensive in recent years. This, of course, isn’t going to stop your dad from assuming it set you back several thousand dollars. Your dad just figured out how to make a Facebook profile. He’s gonna need a minute on talking AI servants.

2. A streaming stick

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Source: Roku

“So yeah, you just plug this Roku stick into the TV and you can pretty much watch anything you want.” That’s you. That’s you telling your dad you just spent a boatload of money on a piece of technology. “Instant access to every movie ever made” is your dad’s cue to ask you to retrieve the Best Buy receipt crammed in the console’s cupholder.

3. A dashcam

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Source: Amazon

These are great to have in the event of an accident. Unfortunately, your dad is still under the impression it’s 1999 and all digital cameras cost ten million dollars. Be sure to keep this receipt in your wallet, because this thing’s going right back to the store if it ran you how much he thinks it ran you.

4. An e-reader

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Source: Amazon

What a lovely thought. Your dad, sitting up in bed, every book he could possibly want at his fingertips. What will he read first? A book about World War II? The biography of Henry Ford? The answer is, of course, the receipt for this fancy reading tablet that probably set you back three mortgage payments.

5. A yearly-subscription to a music streaming service

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Source: Spotify

You just want him to be able to listen to the Doobie Brothers whenever he wants. But by his math, if buying a single song on iTunes costs $1, and Spotifly, as he calls it, gives you access to over four million songs, you’ve essentially just bankrupted your family. Good job. Be sure to keep that receipt handy to prove to him that he can still see his grandkids attend college one day.

Tweet Roundup: The 10 Funniest Tweets About Father’s Day

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Father’s Day is here! We hope you have a relaxing Sunday filled with good food, Die Hards 1-4, and the looming suspicion your kid put way more thought into their Mother’s Day gift last month. Here are 10 hilarious tweets about Father’s Day we think you’ll enjoy!

A tradition as old as dads themselves.

Leave some free work t-shirts lying around while you’re at it.

Commercials: notoriously insensitive to the plight of dads.

There’s no better present than an existential crisis.

Happy Father’s Day! Enjoy your maple syrupy pillowcases.

We’d like to wish an especially happy Father’s Day to Gene.

A stern reminder to not do this.

Get it changed twice just in case.

The easiest way to say “I love you.”

And finally, a reminder for all dads the other 364 days of the year.