A story on Goal.com details Rafael Wolf, a goalkeeper for a team called Fortuna Dusseldorf, prevented the opposing team from netting points by using his crotch to deflect a free kick.

Normally, you might want to keep something like that quiet, especially since after getting hit in the nuts with a soccer ball, you probably can’t speak for a while anyway. But Wolf seems almost proud to be a socc-blocker.

“You always say with your balls but this one I saved with my penis,” the 29-year-old said after the match.

That’s definitely true. I do always say “with your balls.” Ask my wife!

His heroics helped Fortuna Dusseldorf overcome Arminia Bielefeld 2-0, which means he could have skipped out of the way to protect himself and still won the match, but no. He refused. He also inexplicably refuses to wear a cup, claiming it stops him from being able to run well. You know what also stops you from being able to run well? AGONIZING PAIN TO THE CROTCHAL REGION.

“I have worn protection as a youth at Hallenspielen. But you can’t run properly – it’s crap!”

Not as crappy as no longer being able to have children? It’s an unanswerable question, except for the fact that running improperly is nowhere near as crappy.

Don’t worry, after the match, the goalkeeper shrugged off the injury and dismissed the pain as no big deal.

HAHAHA, JUST KIDDING!

“First the pain was hellish but after some ice and rest it was okay.”

Yeah, cool. It started at “hellish” and then slowly went to “holy shit I’m dying” before ramping down to merely “torturous” and eventually subsiding. No big deal!

The good news is, with the victory Rafael and his teammates remain atop the “2 Bundesliga table, three points clear of second placed Holsten Kiel after 10 games.”

None of which I understand and am not entirely convinced wasn’t something the goalkeeper blurted out while writhing in pain on the pitch.

But that’s the great thing about beer, nay… America. We all have individual tastes. Just because some guy doesn’t share your affinity for a specific brew, that doesn’t mean he’s wrong (even though he is!) It just means you get to connect with someone with a differing perspective, while drinking beer!

So, if you see Jim in a bar, don’t make fun of him for his taste in beer. Instead, buy him a round, and make fun of his age – like an adult.

Cheers, Jim!

He takes a much calmer, more sympathetic approach to parenting than Lois. She has a short fuse, at the end of which is a barrel of dynamite eager to ground someone for the rest of their life. Hal, conversely, seizes any opportunity to bond with his boys by having a sit-down and doling out fatherly words of wisdom.

He’s far more lenient, but will raise his voice and put his foot down when necessary. He’s often creative in his punishments. For example, when Malcolm told him “[bleep] you,” Hal sat him down in the backyard and forced him to look him in the eyes and read aloud a comprehensive list of every vile swear words, teaching him their power.

His biggest strength, however, is his laid-back, often immature attitude. It serves as a refreshing palate cleanser for Lois’ incessant shouting. He is truly the yin to her yang.

DAD WEAKNESSES

He’s more permissive than his wife. In one episode, Hal surprises the boys by letting them skip school to accompany him at some stock car races.

Hal’s lax approach to parenting is, regrettably, his biggest weakness. His spontaneity and often childish behavior sets a bad example for his sons. Case in point: the steamroller. After winning some money on a scratch-off, Hal secretly rents a steamroller.

When Dewey catches him, Hal agrees to let him steamroll over Reese’s bike. Ultimately, Hal goes mad with power and Dewey must talk him down from steamrolling a row of cars. Surely this gave Dewey license to misbehave in the future. His impulsive nature is typically harmless, but still sets precedent for the delinquency of his kids.

VERDICT

Despite shortcomings at the cost of his need to be the parent his sons actually like, Hal is a great father. Sure, all four of his sons are rambunctious hellions, disobedient and destructive at every turn, but that’s predominantly the result of their stubborn, temperamental mother. He’s a big-hearted working stiff, determined to provide for his family however dysfunctional they may be.

FINAL DAD GRADE: A-

It’s been a long journey and no two days are alike. Through it all we’ve learned that Faye is just a younger, female version of her older brother. From her diagnosis, we were able to recognize the ASD traits in Jordan. He is now beginning the diagnostic process.

But long story short, both our girls now attend an autism unit in a special school. It’s a God send and they are both doing great! They turned 6 in August and Jordan will be 11 this December.

Be positive and always make sure your child gets all they need. Raising a child with special needs definitely puts into perspective what’s important in life!

Everything for the kids!”

– Nic Young

Want to share a story about fatherhood? Email fatherfigures@thedad.com

Aside from a small modification to the bike’s seat, he’ll be riding the bike as-is. “My knees clear the handlebars by about half an inch so it’s going to be really tight, but it’s a great bike,” he told the BBC. When he factors in his unique mode of transportation Peter estimates the ride from Bristol to Land’s End will take him a week to complete.

Ellie loved cycling and impressed her dad at age three, when she was able to ride without training wheels.

The bike he’ll be riding was her pride and joy – a present she received for her last Christmas.

So far Peter has raised £23,349 (roughly $30K US) through his JustGiving campaign, already doubling his £10,000 target.

What a guy! What a dad! Go, Peter, go!

If you’d like donate to Peter’s campaign, visit his JustGiving page.

If you want to learn more about where the money is going, check out The Brain Tumour Charity.