This is truly man at his best

I never enjoyed playing soccer as a kid, nor watching soccer as an adult, and over the years I’ve watched America’s slow adoption of the world’s most popular sport with bemusement and concern. Did I miss the boat?

Because the other day, a German goalkeeper made the ultimate sacrifice to do his job when he stopped a ball with his penis.

The bizarre incident only leaves me more conflicted. I’m glad I didn’t play enough soccer for this to happen to me, but I’m sad I don’t watch enough soccer to see it happen to someone else…

A story on Goal.com details Rafael Wolf, a goalkeeper for a team called Fortuna Dusseldorf, prevented the opposing team from netting points by using his crotch to deflect a free kick.

Normally, you might want to keep something like that quiet, especially since after getting hit in the nuts with a soccer ball, you probably can’t speak for a while anyway. But Wolf seems almost proud to be a socc-blocker.

“You always say with your balls but this one I saved with my penis,” the 29-year-old said after the match.

That’s definitely true. I do always say “with your balls.” Ask my wife!

His heroics helped Fortuna Dusseldorf overcome Arminia Bielefeld 2-0, which means he could have skipped out of the way to protect himself and still won the match, but no. He refused. He also inexplicably refuses to wear a cup, claiming it stops him from being able to run well. You know what also stops you from being able to run well? AGONIZING PAIN TO THE CROTCHAL REGION.

“I have worn protection as a youth at Hallenspielen. But you can’t run properly – it’s crap!”

Not as crappy as no longer being able to have children? It’s an unanswerable question, except for the fact that running improperly is nowhere near as crappy.

Don’t worry, after the match, the goalkeeper shrugged off the injury and dismissed the pain as no big deal.

HAHAHA, JUST KIDDING!

“First the pain was hellish but after some ice and rest it was okay.”

Yeah, cool. It started at “hellish” and then slowly went to “holy shit I’m dying” before ramping down to merely “torturous” and eventually subsiding. No big deal!

The good news is, with the victory Rafael and his teammates remain atop the “2 Bundesliga table, three points clear of second placed Holsten Kiel after 10 games.”

None of which I understand and am not entirely convinced wasn’t something the goalkeeper blurted out while writhing in pain on the pitch.

SYRACUSE, NY – In what many neighborhood residents described as an utterly surreal sight, 9-year-old Mikey Davis was seen delivering newspapers door to door earlier this morning, suggesting he must be a time traveler from the 1980s since it’s not like anyone reads the paper anymore.

“I thought time traveling was just something you see in movies, but I saw that kid with my own two eyes,” claimed local dad Tyler Meadows, who noted that digital media has all but killed the print market, and that there’s no way a Gen Z child would consider newspaper delivery a financially viable summer job.

As residents of the cul-de-sac watched curiously from their windows, one man emerged from his home and asked the boy what year it was only to be met with a confused stare that offered no answers, which makes sense since a kid from any decade would have the same look on their face if asked such a dumb question.

“If he were delivering iPads or Kindles door to door then I would understand. But newspapers? This kid is either a time traveler or from another planet,” stated Tyler, who told his family to close the blinds and hide just in case this was the first sign of an alien invasion.

While many townsfolk were initially fascinated with Mikey’s presence, their attention quickly turned to a man who was seen delivering milk to a nearby house. Many residents became convinced that the man was a time traveler from the 1950s, though in reality he just worked for Amazon.

This Just In…is The Dad Faking News. Despite being completely plausible to parents, it’s satire and intended for entertainment purposes only. For more stories like this one click here.

It only takes a minute to be kind.

It’s a simple enough idea, but all too often, kindness takes a back seat to our busy schedules and hectic lives. So when a Pennsylvania woman recently witnessed one such act, she knew she had to share it with others.

Lisa Meilander was out to eat with her family at Eat’n Park restaurant in Belle Vernon, PA, when she noticed their server speaking to an elderly gentleman at a booth located nearby. Due to their proximity, Lisa and her family could hear the conversation taking place. The man told their server he was 91-years-old and had trouble hearing. Their server, Dylan, kneeled down to get closer, giving the solo diner his complete attention. After chatting for several minutes, the man apologized for talking so long. “I’m alone now,” he said, “and I don’t often have someone to talk to.” Dylan smiled and said he enjoyed listening.

After a few more minutes of conversation, Dylan helped the man decide what to order and returned to the kitchen. Inspired by the gesture, Lisa wanted to pay for the elderly man’s meal, however by the time Dylan returned l, he told Lisa that “Someone’s already taken care of it.” Lisa sharing in a Facebook post “I guess we weren’t the only ones eavesdropping on the conversation.”

Shortly after, Dylan returned with the food, telling the man he was now on break and asking if he could join him while he ate. The elderly diner happily accepted the company, and the two continued their conversation. Patrons around the restaurant had taken notice and were all smiles as they enjoyed their meals.

Lisa took a photo and shared her story, adding that even as they left the restaurant, the two were still seated and enjoying one another’s company.

“With all of the negative stories about our youth today this was a breath of fresh air.”

Dylan’s small gesture has now been shared over 67,000 times and Lisa’s post now has hundreds of thousands of positive reactions. While he likely made the elderly man’s evening, Dylan’s act has now touched so many more lives. It’s proof that kindness is contagious, and that sharing a few moments of your time is all it takes to make a difference in someone else’s life.

Everyone knows the thermostat is a dad’s domain, however, a recent government report went ahead and trampled all over our authority and published the “ideal thermostat temperature” without even asking!

Energy Star, a program of the Environmental Protection Agency and Department of Energy, suggests that Americans set their thermostats no lower than 78 degrees during the summer. Additionally, folks should set the temperature to 85 degrees when they aren’t home, and 82 degrees when they’re sleeping.

Jennifer Titus, a reporter for 10 News WTSP in Florida, tweeted out the report, and as you might imagine, there were some hot takes.

How cool do you keep your house?

New report our shows these as the recommended temps for energy efficiency:

• 78° F when you’re home
• 85° F when you’re at work or away
• 82° F when you’re sleeping pic.twitter.com/iNOSaqX35c

— Jennifer Titus (@jenntitus10) August 19, 2019

Many had a hard time imagining living in the sweatbox this report suggests:

Whoa… if hell is only 82F that changes every –

No. 82F is too hot.

— Ron Coleman (@RonColeman) August 19, 2019

5 billion. jesus this is awful.

— Yashar Ali 🐘 (@yashar) August 19, 2019

me sleeping in 82 degrees: pic.twitter.com/SKUTDcMwjY

— Caleb Hull (@CalebJHull) August 19, 2019

Others suggested dads themselves were somehow to blame for the scorching hot, yet highly economical findings:

Did dads write this report? https://t.co/WaISC3WjMl

— Lyz Lenz (@lyzl) August 19, 2019

This is literally my parents’ house and all of us kids at Christmas take turns creeping up to the thermostat in the middle of the night and turning it down, then my mom gets up and turns it back to 82

— Amber Sparks (@ambernoelle) August 20, 2019

are we all related???

— Mike Ferguson (@Mik3Ferguson) August 19, 2019

Of course, plenty of dads chimed into the discourse as well, providing their objections along with plenty of thermostat suggestions of their own. #notalldads

“hot sleeper” dad here. The night I sleep in an 82 degree room is the night I drown in a pool of my own sweat.

— Nick Black (@nicholasrblack) August 19, 2019

Not this dad #72maximumtosleep

— Dan Saltzstein (@dansaltzstein) August 19, 2019

Not this dad. Those temperatures are “I’m Trying To Start A Riot In This House” hot. Maybe those are for “maximum efficiency” of the HVAC system, but for “maximum sanity” of the family, they need to be around 72/75/68.

— Philip Martin (@PhilipMartin) August 19, 2019

I love the #notalldads discourse. It’s the only time I welcome it

— Lyz Lenz (@lyzl) August 19, 2019

So despite a few heated exchanges about the report, the overall consensus is that these temperatures are…

What’s your take on Energy Star’s thermostat findings? Are you willing to sweat it out for a few measly dollars?

If so, you might also be interested in similar accommodations, like sleeping on hot asphalt… or perhaps the sun.

90s kids will remember a time when a Spider-man movie seemed impossible. Back in those days, there were so many rights issues and legal snafus and studio entanglements that when Tobey Maguire finally donned the suit in Sam Raimi’s movie, it felt like a miracle.

After Raimi’s trilogy – which peaked with Spider-man 2 and plummeted with Spider-man 3: Electic Boogaloo, Andrew Garfield suited up for a reboot and a sequel no one cared about. And then the MCU, already in full-swing, formed a deal with Sony to grant Peter Parker entrance into the Avengers. Unfortunately, that deal was short-lived.

As of yesterday, Spidey – and Tom Holland, pretty much everyone’s favorite version of the wall-crawler – are once again out of the MCU and in a world of uncertainty.

Tuesday, amid reports that Sony (who owns the character’s movie incarnation) and Disney (which owns Marvel Studios) couldn’t agree on a financial split, Spidey lost his footing in the Marvel Cinematic Universe. Wednesday, as the news reverberated across Hollywood, rumors swirled that Holland was out as well. And now Peter Parker lies in limbo.

And so do the Avengers, who have already lost Iron Man and Captain America and now have lost one of the heirs apparent as well.

Fans took to Twitter to express their disappointment the only way they know how: with savagery and jokes, especially concerning Sony’s tendency towards rebooting the character.

Me getting ready to see Uncle Ben Die for the 400th time after #Sony buying the rights back. pic.twitter.com/nxo4YvqP1H

— Getzel (@Getzel38388251) August 20, 2019

Some fans – and actor Ryan Reynolds – took a more hopeful tack in response to the news:

You can. But you can only see it in my heart.

— Ryan Reynolds (@VancityReynolds) August 20, 2019

As for Tom Holland, he has yet to weigh in, but his contract is for three solo Spider-man films, of which two have already been made, while director Jon Watts (who helmed both Homecoming and Far From Home) was only signed for two. Where Sony takes the duo remains unclear.

*Update, per @DEADLINE: Jon Watts is NOT signed on for a third #SpiderMan movie, so his involvement moving forward is unclear. As for Tom Holland, the actor confirmed in 2016 that he is signed for 3 solo movies, but reports indicate Sony plans 2 more films w/ him, which makes 4 pic.twitter.com/7oGuwPNEXx

— Erik Davis (@ErikDavis) August 21, 2019

While Spidey may be forced to leave the MCU, he’s not going out without a fight. At least not if some of the other Avengers have anything to say about it. Like Hawkeye.

Hey @sonypictures we want Spider-Man back to @therealstanlee and @marvel please, thank you #congrats #spidermanrocks #🏹 #please https://t.co/fCqafozaEl

— Jeremy Renner (@Renner4Real) August 21, 2019

Keanu Reeves is having a hell of a run. Thanks to the John Wick trilogy (and counting), the star is back at the top of Hollywood, again. He was in Toy Story 4, he’s working on Bill and Ted’s 3, and thanks to his Zen-like demeanor and countless tales of his low-key philanthropy/all-around good guy-ness, the dude is crushing 2019. And he hasn’t even joined the MCU or been named TIME’s person of the year, YET.

And it doesn’t look like he’s slowing down. Especially now that a fourth Matrix movie has been announced.

That’s right, we’re plugging back in, we’re taking the red pill, we’re hopefully pretending the third and maybe even the second Matrix movies never happened and we’re dodging bullets like it’s 1999! Trinity is even coming along for the ride.

Yesterday, Variety announced that Lana Wachowski, one of the two Wachowski siblings responsible for the original Matrix trilogy, had inked a deal to bring a fourth installment of the mind-bending, philosophy-spouting, highly-influential action-sci-fi series to the screen. Complete with original stars Keanu Reeves as Neo and Carrie-Anne Moss as Trinity.

“We could not be more excited to be re-entering ‘The Matrix’ with Lana,” said Toby Emmerich from Warner Bros. “Lana is a true visionary — a singular and original creative filmmaker — and we are thrilled that she is writing, directing and producing this new chapter in ‘The Matrix’ universe.”

The movie begins production in 2020, so it will be a few years before we see it. No word yet on what the story will be and who else from the original cast might appear, if anyone. I honestly can’t remember what happened in The Matrix: Revolutions, I just remember thinking it was unbelievably stupid and had squandered the promise of the first movie, which is a stone-cold classic.

The director didn’t shed much light on the potential plot but did stake a claim to relevance twenty years later. “Many of the ideas Lilly and I explored 20 years ago about our reality are even more relevant now. I’m very happy to have these characters back in my life and grateful for another chance to work with my brilliant friends,” Wachowski said.

I have so many questions: Is Agent Smith (Hugo Weaving) returning? Is the Architect still blathering on? Will the Oracle be played by yet another actress? Does Neo still know kung-fu? Is there a spoon?

Here’s hoping the new edition can answer those burning questions and recapture some of the magic the original flick provided, which was one of the last unspoiled, pre-internet sensations.

If Keanu’s recent run is any indication, we’re in for a treat.

Years ago, around the time George Lucas re-released the original Star Wars trilogy with strange new flourishes – including a bizarre musical number on Jabba’s barge, and then followed those debacles up with the Star Wars prequels and a misbegotten sequel to Indiana Jones, fanboys online started using a phrase to describe what the director had done.

They claimed that Lucas had basically ruined their childhood by mangling the beloved movies and characters they’d grown up with and felt a strong connection to. Overdramatic, yes, but it’s a good indication of the ownership fans feel to their favorite properties, from movies and TV shows to books and even video games. Video games like Mortal Kombat, which is currently on the receiving end of a new round of pop culture criticism for a change to one of the character’s voices.

Mortal Kombat 11 comes out on August 22nd, and one of the latest version’s updates includes DJ Dmitri Vegas stepping in to voice Sub-Zero, one of the game’s iconic fighters.

DJ @dimitrivegas as Sub-Zero! Free skin featuring his likeness and voice available to all players on August 22nd for @MortalKombat 11. #MK11 pic.twitter.com/rQGlfcHvTB

— The Kombat Tether (@TheKombatTether) July 22, 2019

Vegas is clearly excited about his inclusion in the game, and the music he helped create for the property.

To celebrate my upcoming “Sub-Zero” playable character in #MortalKombat 11, we decided to release the music we did for the #MK11 trailer, along with a 🔥🔥🔥 clubmix! We’ve been fans of the game since forever… retweet if you’re too 🎮 pic.twitter.com/S7VQEVDiwF

— Dimitri Vegas (@dimitrivegas) August 9, 2019

Unfortunately for the DJ, a few clips featuring his voice-work have been released, and fans are less than pleased with his tone and delivery. Some are trying to be diplomatic, but their feelings are clear…

Presented without comment. pic.twitter.com/CQNtOfGuRJ

— Raphael Bleu (@SpinkyRB) August 16, 2019

Others aren’t holding back.

Y’all it’s so bad I cannot💀😭 pic.twitter.com/furWCWKKwq

— Valette (@Val_Diamonds) August 15, 2019

//After hearing Sub Zero’s new voice. pic.twitter.com/GvNua5NfKc

— Jade (@EdenianGeneral) August 16, 2019

He’s being compared to a puppet:

Yoooo why does he sound like yoda 😂😂😂😂😂 https://t.co/uZ16Opc7Hc

— 🇺🇸Noble|SylverRye🇳🇬 (@SylverRye) August 16, 2019

One person explained why it hurts so bad:

Steve Blum (Sub Zero’s voice actor) is one of the most iconic voices of all time. That’s why dimitris voice hurts extra bad lo

— Cream (@RagingRicans) August 16, 2019

At least some are looking at the bright side:

Not gonna lie. I’m completely in the ‘It’s so bad it’s good’ camp when it comes to the Dimitri skin and voice. I legit love it because of how fucking awful it is.

— Sub Zero main since 1993 (@Harperlarp) August 16, 2019

Thankfully, no one has called for the game’s makers to FINISH HIM! But there’s still time…

3-year-old Daniel Driscoll was recently admitted to Brenner Children’s Hospital with a bone infection. After spending a full seven days undergoing treatment, Daniel and his family were grateful to be heading home, but even more thankful to the staff of doctors and nurses who cared for Daniel during his stay.

Initially unsure of how to fully express their gratitude, Daniel’s dad eventually saw a sign… literally.

While reflecting on their time spent in the hospital room, he remembered a large billboard that sat adjacent to where he and his son spent much of their stay. “Daniel and I would tell time sitting in the window, especially when a helicopter would land and one of the things we could see was that billboard,” recalled Dan Driscoll, Daniel’s father. He wanted a way to thank everyone involved in his son’s care, saying they “had been absolutely amazing and incredible in every single way.”

Once back home, Daniel placed a call to the company who leases space on the rotating digital billboard and booked the biggest thank you card the staff at Brenner’s has ever received. The sign, which is visible from many wings of the hospital, may be large in scale, but still pales in comparison to the amount of gratitude felt by the Driscoll’s for the care and attention they received over their weeklong occupancy.

Wendy Brown, one of the nurses charged with Daniel’s care, told local affiliate FOX8 that everyone at Brenner appreciated the massive gesture. “It’s just spectacular, I mean it’s just so unique. It’s just a cool way to say thank you and all of us really appreciated it. Sometimes this can be a thankless job and that was one heck of a way to say thank you.”

Now, just over a month after being released, the thankful dad says Daniel is recovering and “doing great.” It’s yet another testament to the quality of care he received and to the power of people coming together to care for our most precious little patients.

And that’s why a pair of brothers recently raised over $11k for a children’s hospital in Ohio by selling a 230 Lb hog.

Every gamer worth his salt has daydreamed about what it would be like to cruise around Rainbow Road and fling turtle shells in first-person, and now it’s finally a (virtual) reality.

Mario Kart VR has already been making waves in Japan and London, but it’s finally made its way to the States and people are losing their damn minds over it. The immersive driving sim finally throws drivers into a physical vehicle complete with pedals and a steering wheel and lets them duke it out for ultimate bragging rights.

Featured in Bandai Namco’s “VR Zone Portal,” this traveling attraction isn’t quite as large as the VR Zone in Tokyo or Osaka, but it’s still enough to get our engines revving.

Drivers don HTC Vive headsets and play an entire race in first-person as either Mario, Luigi, Peach, or Toad, physically snatching items out of the sky battling it out for first place.

Plus, if you want even more immersive VR experiences when you’re done, the VR Portal also features Argyle Shift and Ski Rodeo—a first-person mech game and skiing simulator respectively. All three games are available to play on a first-come-first-served basis but expect longer lines for Nintendo’s flagship racer.

The game center was initially offered in Washington DC’s Union Station but has since made its way to Orange County, Southern California at the “VR Zone Portal” Irvine, located at the K1 Speed entertainment center.

No word yet regarding where the VR Tour is headed next, but we’d recommend putting in some practice laps at home just in case it’s within driving distance. Just make sure you abide by traffic laws until you get there.

I wonder if Mario Kart VR will have the same positive effects on a marriage that the other Mario titles do?