Kevin Miller decided to treat his kids by bringing home a Chick-Fil-A lunch, ordering a sensible salad for himself so he’d appear to be a responsible adult. In his head, he was doing the mental math of the leftovers he’d soon be feasting on from the kids’ meals he ordered for his three kids. He was left heartbroken, though, when they all finished their entire meals.

“Oh, Tristen, you ate all your nuggets, great job,” he said in a shockingly passive-aggressive fashion. He then moved on to his middle child, feeling comfortable in A.J.’s eating habits that he’d have at least a spare nugget and half an order of fries to eat. Panic began to creep in when the boy plopped the last nugget into his mouth. Kevin frantically grabbed the bag, hoping to at least secure a few fries that are almost always in the bottom. He stared with utter disbelief into the endless depths of an empty bag.

“There’s…there’s nothing left,” he breathed, his voice barely above a whisper. He began to nervously peck at the remnants of his salad, which had consisted of a handful of pieces of lettuce, two miniature pieces of chicken and some indecipherable vegetable combination. He had already consumed the seasoned croutons in what felt like ages ago.

His face turned white as he turned his gaze to his youngest, daughter Kayleigh. Still, he had hope. Sure, his bounty wouldn’t be the glorious feast he expected, but Kayleigh never let him down. And he had planned for this. She was only 2, and he had ordered her a 6-count meal, knowing full well she rarely ate more than two.

“Daddy, look, I finished all my food!” she beamed, as a tear began to trickle down his cheek.

He turned ashen, realizing the dream was dead. There would be no leftovers. There would be no scavenging. Instead, he spent the rest of the afternoon with a literal feeling of emptiness.

This Just In…is The Dad Faking News. Despite being completely plausible to parents, it’s satire and intended for entertainment purposes only. For more stories like this one click here.

A 2-year-old in Cincinnati is defying everything we thought we knew about the science of sleep.

Despite waking for the day at 4am, she refused her afternoon nap and is now too wired to fall asleep at bedtime. Defying all laws of science, logic, God, and man, the child continues to refuse sleep. She has also been making noise nonstop for a record-breaking 16 hours.

“It doesn’t make any sense,” says leading sleep scientist Meredith Rischmann. “With the extremely early wake time and no nap, she should be MORE tired than usual, but it seems like she’s only getting more powerful. She’s in perpetual motion, working indefinitely without an energy source, and we can’t explain it.”

“I can barely keep my eyes open,” states her dad, “We’re getting desperate. There seems to be no end in sight.”

Scientists are unable to explain how the child has not passed out and refuses to settle down, despite being read 3 bedtime stories and given a drink of water. People from the community are rallying around the family, with one neighbor suggesting lavender essential oils, to little avail.

“We tried putting a drop of lavender oil on her pillow, and it’s almost like the nice smell had no effect on her at all!” says her dad.

In a shocking exclusive interview, the toddler in question was asked when she planned to sleep and she screamed, “NEVER!” The child then began levitating and glowing with blinding white heat in a state of pure, uncontrolled energy.

Her exhausted mother was unable to comment, as she had fallen asleep on the couch despite the extremely loud conditions.

This Just In…is The Dad Faking News. Despite being completely plausible to parents, it’s satire and intended for entertainment purposes only. For more stories like this one click here.

An American Airlines pilot retired earlier this month after more than three decades, and his final flight was one he will never forget. On his Miami-bound flight, Captain Joe Weis was in the cockpit for the final time, while his wife was in the cabin, making friends with a mother and young child.

The child was a 2-year-old boy with Down syndrome, and he was making the return journey of his very first plane trip. When Joe heard about the boy’s special trip happening on his final flight, he invited the boy into the cockpit (after landing, he’s not breaking any rules on his final flight) and pinned his official captain wings onto the toddler.

“It’s so amazing what he did. The whole thing was so cool,” the boy’s mother told the Orlando Sentinel on Friday.

The boy smiled, clapped and said “thank you” in sign language after Captain Joe pinned his wings on him. His mother said she still talks about the moment and Weis’ former employer, American Airlines, said in a statement they were touched by Captain Joe’s actions.

For his part, Weis said he would never forget it.

“Since it was my last flight, and his first, we wanted to make it special,” he wrote on Facebook.

When #AATeam Capt. Joe Weis found out his retirement flight was Ki’s FIRST trip, he gave him the greatest gift… pic.twitter.com/CAZojPFbew

— American Airlines (@AmericanAir) October 13, 2019

1. An alternative to turning this car around.

2. If you’re hungry, he’s Austria.

3. Roasted. Er, sorry, baked.

4. God bless servers for dealing with our dads…

5. …and cashiers…

6. …and imaginary telemarketers.

7. This one might take a second.

8. Father knows your hot dog cravings best.

9. Checkout lines are like open mic workshops for dads.

Check out the full list here. Tell us about the daddest thing you’ve ever seen (or done!) at [email protected]. Include a pic or a video and we may feature you so that the whole world can share in your cringe.

Having a baby is a pretty scary thing. And that’s before you even consider the physical toll of going through labor! Adding a tiny, helpless creature to your life, one that you’re entirely responsible for on every conceivable level for at least the next two decades of your life is a pretty harrowing event.

It’s important that you have the support you need, both during and after pregnancy. A caring, helpful, knowledgeable doctor and healthcare team that you trust is paramount. Knowing you and your baby are in good hands is essential to managing stress and surviving labor and the first few weeks post-delivery.

A sense of humor helps too. Especially if you go into labor on Halloween.

That’s what happened to Brittany Selph, who had a due date of November 5th but didn’t quite make it. Instead, she found herself at the hospital, being assisted in her delivery by… The Joker?

Thankfully, it wasn’t the actual Batman villain but was her physician, Dr. Paul Locus, an obstetrician at the Henry County Medical Center in Paris, Tennessee who was fully decked out in Heath Ledger’s Joker look when he delivered Brittany’s daughter Oaklyn.

“My wife’s due date was Nov. 5, but that obviously didn’t happen. She woke up Halloween morning to her water leaking,” Brittany’s husband, Justin Selph, told PEOPLE. When they arrived at the hospital, they saw their doctor in costume as DC’s iconic supervillain. Luckily, they weren’t so serious.

Knowing full well it was a little odd, Dr. Locus was more than prepared to shed his costume and deliver the Selph’s baby in a more traditional outfit, but the couple was comfortable with him, and assured him it was fine. In fact, instead of being bothered, the couple was actually enthusiastic, and totally down to clown!

“We found it very humorous and a little excited that we would have a baby delivered by The Joker.”

The delivery went off without a hitch, and now the couple has one heck of a story, and some insane photos to go with it!

“There my wife is, staring the Joker straight in the eyes while delivering our baby, what a sight!” Justin says. “I was holding her leg up, and snapping pictures! I was going to go Facebook Live, but the nurse cut me off!”

“[Dr. Locus] was a great sport about the whole situation, and took photos with our family,” Justin adds. He even swung by the next day and delivered a congratulations card. He signed it, “Dr. Joker.”

Some men just want to cut the umbilical cord.

Pixar has tackled a lot of strange stuff over the years. Toys that come to life when humans aren’t looking. An elderly widower who attaches balloons to his house and flies to South America. Cars that talk.

Like Disney, the animation studio is also no stranger to sentiment and grief. The Toy Story toys are stricken by their owner’s increasing maturity. Nemo is infused with the fear and sadness of loss. The first ten minutes of UP are legendarily tear-jerking. Even Cars has… okay, maybe not Cars.

Onward, Pixar’s latest movie, features the voice talents of Star Lord and Spider-man themselves, and while it looks like a fun, and funny, supernatural romp, it also looks weird as hell and sad AF.

Before we even get to the weird stuff, there’s weird stuff. Chris Pratt and Tom Holland voice brothers who appear to be elves, or trolls, who live in the modern world? Or something? And there’s magic, but not as much as there used to be? It’s a little confusing. Then we learn that the boys’ dad passed when the brothers were too young to remember him, and on the youngest’s 16th birthday, they get a gift from him: his wizard staff. Because apparently he was a wizard. And he left a spell too, that allows his kids to resurrect him, but only for a day.

This is where the sentiment comes in, because if Tom Holland’s delivery of “I’m gonna meet dad?” is any indication, this movie is gonna be dusty.

The boys set off to use the spell to conjure up their dad, but something goes awry. And this is where the weird comes in: they only manage to resurrect his legs. I told you it was weird!

The trailer shows the brothers on a quest to conjure the rest of their dad as they encounter a whole world of magic that they never knew existed. It’s like Weekend at Bernie’s crossed with Harry Potter.

Here’s the synopsis:

Two teenage elf brothers, Ian and Barley Lightfoot, go on a journey to discover if there is still a little magic left out there in order to spend one last day with their father, who died when they were too young to remember him.

And here’s the trailer!

Just because man’s best friend can’t read music, doesn’t mean they don’t enjoy it.

Professional violinist Martin Agee has played in world-renowned concert halls during his career, from Carnegie Hall to the Sydney Opera House, but lately, he’s been spending his time entertaining an audience of the four-legged variety. Every few weeks, he brings his violin to American Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals’ Adoption Center in New York City and the effect it has on the dogs is incredible.

“The instant the bow hits the string, you get a reaction like, ‘What just happened?’ It’s stunning to see,” he told the TODAY show.

Agee started volunteering at the ASPCA more than two-and-a-half years ago as a way to cope after losing his greyhound rescue, Melody. In light of the joy Melody brought into Agee’s life, he signed on as an adoption coordinator at his local shelter.

During his time, he became more and more interested in the ASPCA’s storytelling program, where volunteers would sit down and read to dogs as a way to help calm and facilitate rehabilitation for animals who had been abused.

“I almost jokingly said to some people, ‘Well, maybe I’ll play my violin for the dogs when I’m there,’” he recalled. “Little did I realize that that would become a reality.”

The reaction to the music was immediate and amazing. Energetic dogs settle down in order to listen. Shy dogs dare to wander closer to the front of their enclosures to see. It’s almost as if it brings these animals to a calm equilibrium.

“It’s really incredible to watch the impact his music has on the dogs and how quickly they respond,” Kris Lindsay, senior director at the ASPCA, told TODAY.

The only hard part is that Agee gets attached to many of the dogs through his music, making it harder to say goodbye when they finally get adopted, but he knows that finding new, loving homes is always the primary goal.

“And maybe there will be music there as well,” he said with a smile.

Beloved chef and professional rage monster Gordon Ramsay is officially a father again. Welcoming his fifth child, Oscar, into the family, the fiery-tempered Masterchef host admitted that this one wasn’t just another trip to the hospital. Yes, this potty-mouthed bad boy of the culinary world finally met his match when the sight of his newborn son actually caused him to faint.

“Tana didn’t want to see me there for previous births, she said ‘I don’t want you to see me in this state so get out.’ This time around, I was there and I absolutely shit my pants. I fainted. I literally dropped on the floor,” Ramsay recalled on the Jonathan Ross Show.

“I was sat there and Oscar popped out through the sunroof and then they sort of throw you on him and he’s screaming and I fell back, the nurse grabbed me.”

 

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After 3 baftas and one Emmy… finally we have won an Oscar, please welcome Oscar James Ramsay, who touched down at 12:58 today for some lunch ! Xxx

A post shared by Gordon Ramsay (@gordongram) on Apr 4, 2019 at 8:26am PDT

For a man so accustomed to screaming, you wouldn’t think hearing it from an infant would affect him so strongly.

Even the soothing soundtrack of Ed Sheeren in the background wasn’t enough to keep Ramsay calm and conscious.

“I put Ed on to calm everybody. I put Ed on then I blacked out, I fainted like an idiot. Have you ever been in the [operating] theatre where there is so much commotion, so much going on? And then bang. I’ve never fainted in my life, by the way, that was the first time.

 

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Lunch with my boys @_jackrams3y_ @oscarjramsay @prawnonthelawn #padstowharbour

A post shared by Gordon Ramsay (@gordongram) on Oct 2, 2019 at 6:30am PDT

The hardass chef then confessed that he simply doesn’t have what it takes to deliver babies (besides the obvious reasons): “It’s scary, it’s full on also they are experts [the doctors] and I’m a control freak so I was like ‘Get me the hell out of here, please.'”

Ramsay miraculously survived the daring experience of watching someone else give birth though, and he’s finally kicking back and relaxing with his new, terrifying bundle of joy.

“He is six months, it’s extraordinary, also for the rest of the kids it’s just a welcome bundle of joy. And boy, does that take you back!”

Congrats, Chef. Just try and leave the pants-shitting to him from now on. Okay, big guy?

Owning a home is a milestone. For many, it’s a lifelong dream. The American dream, some might say. I don’t know own one myself, and while I sometimes dream of it, there are things that give me pause. The constant maintenance seems like a hassle, and I’ve seen friends deal with troublesome repairs and renovations. When I hear about that stuff, the benefits of having a landlord to handle it all seems better than ever.

And then I read a story like this one, and I’m never more excited to be able to move apartments at will. Because if this happened to my home, my instinct would be to burn it to the ground!

The funny thing is, the family in the story was already preparing to sell their home. I imagine this incident will merely accelerate their timeline. It’s not like anyone is itching to stay in a house that occasionally fills up with blood.

That’s right, Nick Lestina and his wife and five children live in Bagley, Iowa, and the other day they opened the door to their basement and saw that the room was filled with blood. Somehow they are not several states away, but have instead been the subject of dozens of news stories. If it bleeds it leads, especially during Halloween season!

Thankfully, the source of the blood isn’t a pair of elevators that go down to the basement, or anything else Stephen King related, but a meat processing company that is next door to the Lestiva’s home and shares some pipes with the family. They’ve lived next door for ten years and never had an incident, but this time something went awry.

Lestiva reported it immediately and Iowa’s Department of Natural Resources confirmed that it was indeed animal blood, fat, and bones, which Dahl’s Meat Locker had been pouring down a floor drain that’s connected to the family’s pipes. Unfortunately, the business has not exactly been cooperating with its neighbors.

“They haven’t reached out at all. In fact, they haven’t taken any accountability for it,” Lestina told KTIV. “They say it’s not their fault and told me ‘good luck.’ If I want to do anything about it, it’s on my dime and my schedule.”

Yikes. Talk about a horror movie. Probably easier to just burn the place to the ground!

Watch the footage below, if you can stomach it!

“My wife and I spent the first 2.5 years of our marriage assuming that when we were ready we would be able to get pregnant without issue.

When we first started trying, tests and attempts came back discouraging time and time again. Finally after months of trying we were pregnant. We went to the doctor and they confirmed our prayers had been answered. Shortly after our appointment, our excitement was crushed. We woke up in the middle of the night knowing something was wrong. We went to the ER and found out we were having an ectopic pregnancy and lost our precious baby.

A couple months after that we suffered a miscarriage as well. Feeling completely dejected and beaten down we started losing hope.

We then went to an amazing reproductive endocrinologist to help with our journey. Fast forward about a year later, Ford Michael Dietrich was born and we could not be more in love. Being a dad is the best thing ever and I could not be happier.”

– Mike Dietrich

Want to share a story about fatherhood? Email [email protected]

Check out the previous editions of Father Figures here.