Next time your kids start mouthing off about not wanting to eat the pizza pocket you slaved over the microwave for because it “tastes like bubbling lava,” you can inform them that some kids eat regurgitated death meat their parents chewed off the walls.

“Bring it in, kids. Daddy has a bedtime story for you.

Once upon a time, a man and a woman found a rotting carcass that they rolled into a ball and spit on its hairless body – because they removed all of it themselves – to preserve its body. Then they buried the corpse so that they could live inside of it, but also eat it. Kinda like that story about the gingerbread house you guys love so much.”

“Daddy, I’m scared.”

“Yeah, it’s terrifying, pumpkin, you should be. Anyway, so the two of them did a little dance so they could have kids and be a mommy and daddy only the mommy had more kids than she could take care of so she ate some of them. The mommy and daddy only had one thing on the menu for their kids to eat. Can you imagine that? One thing instead of a list of, like, five things that the kids just ate without whining about it!”

“What did they eat, daddy?”

“They ate puke, honey, and not even their own. They ate their parents’ puke after they ate the rotting flesh of their fun little meat house.”

No, that’s not Ed Gein as a dad. I’m talking about the burying beetle.

Male burying beetles fight over the carcasses of small animals like birds and mice and then spritz their pheromones around like Sex Panther by Odeon to attract a female. Females, on the other hand, can fertilize their own eggs using leftover sperm from beetles who previously occupied the carcass and “knew each other in the biblical sense” and I don’t know whether I should be fascinated or super grossed out.

Burying beetles preserve the corpse they’ve found by pulling out all of its hair and covering it with antifungal and antibacterial secretions they produce in their mouths and their butts [snicker, snicker] then roll it into a ball and bury it in the ground to live in. There’s not enough shiplap in the world for that fixer-upper. Once the female has babies, the brood feeds off of the carcass with a side of regurgitation.

Too many mouths to feed? While other parents would take on a second job or work on a budget, burying beetles will cull their young. There’s a fun animal fact you can tell the next kid that asks for a snack two minutes after not eating their damn dinner.

• Eat their children
• Make their family live inside of a rotting cadaver
• Feed their kids vomit

So, you can’t afford that American Girl doll for your daughter and your son’s teacher is concerned about the family portrait he drew where you’re screaming and on fire? Well, at least you’re not eating the kids, so who comes out tops in this parenting toss-up? You do.

Well, they’re back, and for this year’s homecoming celebration, they decided to tackle Harry Potter. They were ready to outdo their L. Frank Baum opus with a detailed, delirious performance that included the cupboard under the stairs, the train, the sorting ceremony, and more. They even went so far as to feature a showdown He-Who-Will-Not-Be-Out-Danced.

These kids showcased everything from arrival at Hogwarts to the first flying lessons – including broomsticks and Harry riding atop a group of fellow dancers – set to dance hits, including a bumping remix of “Expecto Patronum” as the budding wizards practiced with their wands.

And then Voldermort arrives, with a blast of smoke, a convincing mask, and a crew of evildoers to help battle Hogwarts and Harry in the final dance showdown.

This video has racked up over 4 millions views from a public that can’t seem to get enough Potter – or enough amazing dancing from this ridiculously talented group of high school students.

Oh yeah, the beats in the routine are pretty faithful to Rowling’s stories, so spoiler alert?

Here’s the Wizard of Oz routine:

“I saw that it was improving my quality of life. It was making me stronger. It really didn’t matter that I was finishing last in most of the races,” Justin told “I saw that it was improving my quality of life. It was making me stronger. It really didn’t matter that I was finishing last in most of the races,” Gallegos told FOX 12.”

When Gallegos started running in high school, he fell down a lot. His cerebral palsy makes running a lot more difficult. But he persevered, and slowly improved. In April, he finished his first half-marathon.

Still, when he showed up to race on October 6th and saw the cameras, he had no idea they were for him. But when he crossed the finish line, a Nike representative was there waiting for him with a contract, making Justin the first athlete with cerebral palsy to sign such a deal with the famous sneaker company.

“I just wanted to share something with you guys,” said insights director to the runners gathered at the finish line. “One of your teammates has been working pretty hard the last couple years, and Nike has recognized that. So today I am giving him the Nike contract [to be an] official Nike athlete.”

The heartwarming moment was capture on video:

Justin was stunned, but happy. “I’m so grateful to have been apart of this story where so many people put their names in history books, and make records, and break records,” Gallegos said. “It’s a been a dream come true.”

He’s working with Nike on developing sneakers for people with disabilities.

Congrats Justin!

Emergency flights to Vancouver.
The unbearable heartache of being sent home for Christmas without being able to bring her with us.
The helpless feeling knowing that I had to put all of my hopes and dreams in the doctors hands.

I remember the pain of watching her in a little oxygen chamber, unable to hold her, unable to make it all better.

As a parent it feels like your only job is to make your baby safe, and here I stood on the very first day, the very first shift of my new task and I couldn’t do it. I was helpless. I was failing at the only job that mattered at that point.

But it turns out I wasn’t failing. Just staying strong and believing that everything would be alright was its own victory.

The job description had temporarily changed for a while is all. And when that little ray of sunshine does break free of the clouds she will shine brighter than you ever imagined possible.

My daughter, who was born 8 weeks premature, is now in her 4th year of med school and will be a doctor in six months.”

– Marty Anderson

Want to share a story about fatherhood? Email fatherfigures@thedad.com

 

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Happy Bday To Us…

A post shared by Sean Ono Lennon (@sean_ono_lennon) on Oct 9, 2018 at 5:36am PDT

The photo shows John holding his young son while he blows out the candles on a birthday cake. Sean, a musician himself, captioned the photo, “Happy birthday to us…” and it has received over 42,000 likes and more than 2,000 comments on Instagram.

Sean is no stranger to Instagram sensations. A few months ago he posted a picture of himself and another Beatle’s progeny, James McCartney, son of Paul. Is there a better way to pay homage to the Lennon/McCartney songwriting duo than this?

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Peekaboo…

A post shared by Sean Ono Lennon (@sean_ono_lennon) on Aug 13, 2018 at 7:52am PDT

That selfie, featuring the two Beatles’ sons looking very much like their dads (and James holding a guitar) got more than 50,000 likes from Beatles fans all over the world. Hopefully next time Sean posts with his friend James, it’s a video of them playing together.

Might I suggest something from Sgt. Pepper’s?

The caption to the video reads:

*Public Service Announcement!** Friends & family please read & share! So tonight after dinner our oldest asked for some “juice” (Capri Sun) as a treat for eating good, I grabbed one out of the refrigerator and notice something odd about it… it seems low in content, I take a closer look at the packaging and don’t notice a hole or anything. So I shake it up some, only to find an unknown substance floating around in the package. To say we are irate would be an understatement… we don’t give these to our children often but will NEVER again! #SERIOUSLY #CapriSun

To their credit, Capri Sun responded quickly to Cameron’s concerns, posting a response on Facebook.

“Thanks again, Cameron, for bringing this to our attention and sharing more information with others. Although it’s rare, it is possible for mold to grow inside containers of preservative-free juice drinks if the pouch is punctured in any way on its journey from our facilities to your home. We understand it’s unpleasant, but the mold is naturally-occurring, just like if you left an apple on your counter for too long and mold begins to grow.”

They even sent someone to his house to investigate the pouch.

Capri Sun has long been aware of the possibility of mold in their drink, and they address the issue on their website via a FAQ:

“Will the mold make my child sick?”
“The mold is naturally-occurring, and we understand your concerns. That’s why we created our clear bottom pouches so you can check for mold before enjoying your Capri Sun, while still remaining committed to keeping our drinks free of artificial preservatives.”

One of those videos features five different things you can make with treadmill parts, including a generator he made from a rowing machine. He got the machine of Craigslist and whatever he paid for it was more than worth it. Because he turned it into a powerful parenting hack.

What does the generator do? It powers his sons’ video games.

The batteries run down in less than a minute, so he and his kids trade-off to ensure there’s enough juice to make their games go. The bottom line? They can’t play unless they pedal and pull. Genius!

Now if they want to play their precious video games, they can, but they can’t do it without getting the exercise they need.

Game over! Dad win!

Last weekend, college football featured an exciting match-up between the Missouri Tigers and the South Carolina Gamecocks. The game was beset by all sorts of issues, from a downpour that made things a lot more difficult for both teams, to lightning strikes that caused two separate delays.

Eventually, the game came down to some last second heroics. South Carolina was down by one, 35-34, when kicker Parker White came out to attempt a game-winning 33-yard field goal. The fans were tense, but they had nothing on Parker’s Dad, who was in the stands in his #43 P. White South Carolina game jersey.

Fellow Gamecock fan and twitter user @jmhellman1395 happened to be seated next to Mr. White, and captured the nervous dad’s pre- and post-kick emotions.

In the before photo, Mr. White is past the point of being on the edge of his seat. He’s down on his knees, perhaps praying, maybe he’s biting his nails? Definitely not quite looking as his son’s team snapped the ball.

And when you see the after photo, you don’t need to be told what happened, because Parker’s dad’s happiness, and the high-five he exchanges with another fan makes it clear that Parker game through and gave South Carolina a 37-35 victory.

And you think you have a hard time watching your team play a close game. You’ve got nothing on the father of a field goal kicker!

Sitting next to Parker White’s Dad. Pictures before and after the game winning field goal. pic.twitter.com/A1MQiZfzTa

— JM (@jmhellman1395) October 6, 2018

“Happy Birthday Dad. Happy Birthday Molly [Torben’s longtime partner]! And congrats on the big week with the release of not one, but two books, the opening of the Art exhibition and the completion of the latest movie… so fuckin’ inspiring on every level possible!

“And what may be the biggest accomplishment of all, the whole gang being in Copenhagen for four days without a single ‘Hurra, hurra etc’ song per your request!

Make sure to scroll through his second post because it includes 10 awesome photos of Lars and his dad through the ages.

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Since we are Danish and the Danes take their “round” birthdays very fuckin next level serious, here is some additional shouting out to my beyond inspirational Dad on his 90th for your viewing pleasure!! Far forhelvede, you’re the coolest of the cool.. do NOT delete that!!!!! 🇩🇰 🇩🇰 🇩🇰 9️⃣0️⃣ #wanna #happybirthday #heavymetalgandalf

A post shared by Lars Ulrich (@larsulrich) on Oct 4, 2018 at 2:16pm PDT

“Since we are Danish and the Danes take their ’round’ birthdays very fuckin’ next-level serious, here is some additional shouting out to my beyond inspirational Dad on his 90th for your viewing pleasure!! Far forhelvede, you’re the coolest of the cool.. do NOT delete that!”

I’m not crying… you’re crying.

Torben has always been a supporter of his son and his music career, but many don’t realize his own amazing story.

Born on October 4, 1928 in Copenhagen, Torben Ulrich was the son of professional tennis player Einer Ulrich.

Following in his father’s footsteps, Torben became a tennis pro himself. He played more than 100 Davis Cup matches for Denmark and, in 1977, right before turning 49, he became the oldest Davis Cup player in history.

He wasn’t just an athlete, however. During his years playing professional tennis, Torben also worked as a writer, musician, filmmaker, painter, actor, and director.

The “do NOT delete that” message at the end of Lars’ post is in reference to a line Torben is known for saying in the Metallica documentary, “Some Kind of Monster.” Lars mentions about that moment:

“Metallica fans know that he’s been a fairly large presence in and out of Metallica’s history for 35 years. There’s a famous clip in ‘Some Kind of Monster’ – a scene where he comes to listen to some of the stuff we were working on [for 2003’s ‘St. Anger’] – he’s standing over the mixing desk and he doesn’t look too pleased.

“And I ask him, ‘What do you think of this music?’ There’s a long, long, long pause, and he goes, ‘I would delete that.’ [Laughs] A lot of Metallica fans know him by association, so it’s very cool.”

Such camaraderie between a famous father-son duo is something rarely seen these days, but it’s like a breath of fresh air when it is.

Happy Birthday, Torben!