Parents Even Worse Than You: Burying Beetles

(Getty/TobyPhotos)

Your kids are hungry for the 3,085th time since sunrise, your wife is pissed off because she had to pick up all of your socks that didn’t make it into the hamper from the free throw line, aka the doorway, and your house looks like the hotel wake up scene in The Hangover. Omg, is there a baby in the closet?

Parenting is not what you expected and you’re feeling like a total failure. You could implement some practical behavior correcting techniques from a parenting magazine and look into some therapy sessions like a responsible adult, or you could read the rest of this article about a parent who’s doing a way crappier job than you and feel instantly better about yourself.

Next time your kids start mouthing off about not wanting to eat the pizza pocket you slaved over the microwave for because it “tastes like bubbling lava,” you can inform them that some kids eat regurgitated death meat their parents chewed off the walls.

“Bring it in, kids. Daddy has a bedtime story for you.

Once upon a time, a man and a woman found a rotting carcass that they rolled into a ball and spit on its hairless body – because they removed all of it themselves – to preserve its body. Then they buried the corpse so that they could live inside of it, but also eat it. Kinda like that story about the gingerbread house you guys love so much.”

“Daddy, I’m scared.”

“Yeah, it’s terrifying, pumpkin, you should be. Anyway, so the two of them did a little dance so they could have kids and be a mommy and daddy only the mommy had more kids than she could take care of so she ate some of them. The mommy and daddy only had one thing on the menu for their kids to eat. Can you imagine that? One thing instead of a list of, like, five things that the kids just ate without whining about it!”

“What did they eat, daddy?”

“They ate puke, honey, and not even their own. They ate their parents’ puke after they ate the rotting flesh of their fun little meat house.”

No, that’s not Ed Gein as a dad. I’m talking about the burying beetle.

(Getty/Nastasic)

Male burying beetles fight over the carcasses of small animals like birds and mice and then spritz their pheromones around like Sex Panther by Odeon to attract a female. Females, on the other hand, can fertilize their own eggs using leftover sperm from beetles who previously occupied the carcass and “knew each other in the biblical sense” and I don’t know whether I should be fascinated or super grossed out.

Burying beetles preserve the corpse they’ve found by pulling out all of its hair and covering it with antifungal and antibacterial secretions they produce in their mouths and their butts [snicker, snicker] then roll it into a ball and bury it in the ground to live in. There’s not enough shiplap in the world for that fixer-upper. Once the female has babies, the brood feeds off of the carcass with a side of regurgitation.

Too many mouths to feed? While other parents would take on a second job or work on a budget, burying beetles will cull their young. There’s a fun animal fact you can tell the next kid that asks for a snack two minutes after not eating their damn dinner.

  • Eat their children
  • Make their family live inside of a rotting cadaver
  • Feed their kids vomit

So, you can’t afford that American Girl doll for your daughter and your son’s teacher is concerned about the family portrait he drew where you’re screaming and on fire? Well, at least you’re not eating the kids, so who comes out tops in this parenting toss-up? You do.

Tweet Roundup: 10 Funny Tweets About Putting Sunscreen On Your Kid

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Day going too well? Leather interior of your car looking too pristine? Why not round up the kids and give them a nice coating of sunscreen? Here are 10 hilarious tweets from parents who we assume are counting down the days until fall.

First, a fair warning.

First tip, get a head start the night before.

There are ways around having to do it…

…but remember, you signed up for this.

Your kids aren’t gonna like it…

…even if you let them do it themselves.

Just be sure to rub it in.

Sure, they’ll return the favor…

…but in their own brutal way.

But if all of this seems overwhelming, remember, there is one way out:

20 Heartwarming Photos Of Dads Seeing Their Daughters In Wedding Dresses For First Time

(kristin brown photography)

Get your tissues ready.

Whether she’s a toddler or a fully independent adult, a daughter is always a father’s little girl.

So when seeing her in a white gown on arguably the biggest day of her life, things are bound to get emotional.  Here are 20 of our favorite photos featuring dads who couldn’t help getting a little emotional upon seeing their daughters on their wedding day.

Father Figures: Emotional Rescue

“I’m not an emotional person.

I’m never overly excited, don’t yell at the TV watching football, none of that. But when it comes to my son, I’m an emotional trainwreck.

I’ve always battled anxiety and never confronted it. After my son was born, I had no choice. My anxiety is death and health-based, and my biggest fear was always dying. Well, now my biggest fear is not being there for my son if I do.

It got to the point where I actually sat him down and said “Hey bug, when i’m gone you need to take care of mom…” He was 3 at the time. I would lay at night and cry, never talking about it. After that day, I knew I needed help!

All parents’ greatest fear is not being there for their children. My father was a huge alcoholic, so I never had a role model; I just knew I wanted to be nothing like him. After I opened up to my wife and family, I got help and life has been so much better with ‘Bug’ since.

We quit smoking – FOR HIM, we go on Disney cruises – FOR HIM, we live – FOR HIM. He is my best friend, my greatest accomplishment, and my biggest challenge.

As men, we’re taught not to confront our issues, but as a man, stand up for your family by confronting your demons and becoming a better person, husband, and most importantly, father. It’s the greatest gift in the world!”

– Adam Giere

Want to share a story about fatherhood? Email fatherfigures@thedad.com

Parents Surprised When 6-Year-Old Creates Lucrative Business After A Simple Lesson About Money

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When 6-year-old Emmett told his parents he wanted a bike, they viewed it as an opportunity to teach their son about financial responsibility and earning something himself.

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“He got some old toys and stuffed animals together and put them out for sale,” Emmett’s father, Jered, recalls. “He ended up making $70 that day. He made enough to get his bike. The next day, we happened to be walking around Sam’s Club and saw this snow cone machine. He asked if we could get that instead of the bike so he could start his own business and make more money.”

(Bored Panda)

Emmett’s parents agreed to loan him the extra cash needed to buy the machine on one condition: He had to sell snow cones every Saturday for at least one hour. So, with one bag of ice and three flavors, Emmett’s Snow Cones was established.

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“His first time out he made $12, then $17, then $25 and he’s been hovering around there ever since,” Jered states. “He’s responsible for tracking his supplies and knowing when he needs to buy more, spending the money for all future flavor purchases, repaying us for the other half of the snow cone machine, and paying ‘taxes’.”

According to his parents, Emmett is saving most of his revenue for college; but little does he know, the “taxes” he has to pay are already going into a college fund for him.

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Emmett has since graduated from three to twenty-one flavors and even gets invited to local events around town to sell his delicious wares.

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“We would like our son to follow his passions in the future,” Jered says. “Our only expectation for him is to grow up to be a good person who contributes to society”

(Bored Panda)

 

Father Figures: The Little Things

“Our daughter was born at 34 weeks and spent 29 days in the NICU.

Those 29 days were the most emotionally draining days I have ever experienced. Every day was filled with good news, bad news, hope, despair. I cannot describe the emotions I experienced when we got the call that our daughter was ready to go home.

Fast forward to today. Our daughter is almost 7 months old and is the happiest baby in the world. She is such a bright light in this dark world and my wife and I love her to death.

I know I would have probably felt the same way had she come straight home from the hospital, but those 29 days of visiting her and holding her when she was connected to monitors and tubes taught me to appreciate the little things.

The little things are the best things. Every laugh, every smile, every bottle, every time she looks at me, every milestone she reaches; it is all so wonderful and is greater than anything I could accomplish professionally.

In today’s world, you are considered a good dad if you are simply present. I understand it is difficult to do more for some people, but if all you are doing is simply being present, you are missing out.”

– Trey Scott

Want to share a story about fatherhood? Email fatherfigures@thedad.com

Mom Asks Daughter If She Can “Keep A Secret” From Her Father And Things Escalate Spectacularly

(Twitter/Himynameisnoor & Getty/ljubaphoto)

When your mother calls asking for your help in devising a plan behind your father’s back, you’re bound to be a little bit curious.

So when Twitter user Noor received that very call, she followed the rabbit hole until it was too late to turn back, which resulted in one of the most amazing live-tweeted family adventures the internet had ever witnessed.