Superbowl Ads That Could Heal The World

(Getty/gpointstudio)

If you’re a brand, running an advertisement during the Super Bowl can be like stepping onto the world’s biggest soapbox. Each year, over 100 million people watch the Super Bowl. That’s a lot of eyes and ears susceptible to your message, should you choose to include one. If any of the following brands are looking to potentially heal the planet this year, here are some free ad ideas.

Taco Bell

In 2007, Taco Bell introduced the concept of “Fourth Meal” by way of ad campaign, presumably after some marketing suit shot down the slogan “Drunk Food” for being too sincere. More than a decade later, the recklessly inventive Tex-Mex fast-food chain has yet to make use of those hours between 4 and 6 A.M.

In this commercial, a taxi full of belligerent drunks rolls up to the Taco Bell drive-thru just as the radio clock strikes 4 A.M.

(Getty/Tim Boyle)

“Kevin, you idiot! I told you we should’ve called the taxi earlier!” one yells. “Me? Chris is the one who couldn’t find his shoes,” Kevin volleys. An increasingly contentious argument unfolds, just as a lively, chipper voice comes through the speaker box: “Welcome to Taco Bell, I’ll take your order whenever you’re ready!” Everyone in the taxi, the driver included, is speechless. The text “#5” appears on screen with no accompanying audio. Every American household will breathe a collective sigh of relief knowing that jobs have been successfully created.

Coors

Honesty has become somewhat of an antiquated notion in 2018 America, and beer commercials have a knack for coming off as particularly disingenuous. Budweiser routinely utilizes puppies and Clydesdales in their Super Bowl ad campaigns as if they’re product isn’t currently being vomited into a washing machine by some guy in a Gronkowski jersey. The marketing strategy behind Coors Light, however, is downright baffling. Everyone in any given Coors Light commercial is either windsurfing, spiking a volleyball, or scaling a snowy mountain.

The ad is simple: a young, adventurous mountaineer ascends to the frozen peak of Mount Robson in Colorado. He drops his gear in the snow, removes a single can of Coors Light from his backpack, and takes a sizable swig as he gazes down the 13,000 feet of conquered rock below him. He exhales a deep, visible breath. Brave. Heroic. The lengthy, arduous climb a small price to pay for such a majestic view. The guy then wakes up. It was a dream. He’s lying on his kitchen floor.

(Getty/Yuri_Arcurs)

He has six missed calls and a lone text message that reads “ur paying for this screen door.”

Coors.

Brawny Paper Towels

One year ago, the world was introduced to the new Mr. Clean.

(source - YouTube)

Viewer consensus was split. Some were on board. Some sat in quiet discomfort, uneasy with the sudden, jarring sexualization of a household cleaning product. Hopefully, Brawny Paper Towels offers up some sort of antithesis to this bizarre commercial on Sunday. In my proposed ad, a mom is looking after her energetic, raucous children on a Saturday afternoon. Uh-oh. One kid just spilled his grape juice on the counter. What’s a mother to do? In comes the Brawny Paper Towels lumberjack. No, not that one. Not the handsome, chiseled, burly face of the brand we’ve all grown accustomed to. No. Meet your new Brawny Paper Towel mascot.

(reddit/u/ill_take_two)

“Looks like you could use some help,” he says.

The woman screams. “Who are you and how did you get in my house?”

“Grape juice on a white countertop can be a real pain in the ass,” he continues. “Not to worry. I’ve got just the paper towel for the job.”

The woman frantically corrals her children into a bedroom and calls the police as the new Brawny lumberjack struggles to tear open the plastic packaging on a six-pack of paper towels. He begins rifling through the kitchen drawers, finally finds the silverware, and uses a butter knife to puncture the plastic. We hear a muffled “Yes, hello… there is a man in my house pretending to be the Brawny paper towel lumberjack” coming from the bedroom. The Brawny lumberjack cleans up the grape juice and sets the roll down next to the paper towel holder. “This countertop marble?” he shouts.

The mom looks out the bedroom window. In the house across the street, a woman watches as a sexy Mr. Clean mops her dining room floor.

KFC

The lights are low. A pair of black dress shoes enters frame. We slowly pan up a crisp, white suit, complete with string bowtie. The new KFC colonel has arrived. Paparazzi have coalesced around him. Cameras flash. A woman in an “I HEART NASHVILLE HOT” t-shirt faints. We finally see his face. “Hey buuuuddy.”

It’s Paul Shore. We hold on his face as the voice-over announcer begins: “That’s right. The Colonel is Pauly Shore now. How’s that sound? Yeah? Because we tried Reba McEntire and you misogynistic assholes lost your minds. Well, guess what? It’s Pauly Shore now, and there’s nothing you can do about it. Eight-year contract. Remember Bio-Dome? Jury Duty? Yeah? Have fun remembering those every time you drive past one of our franchises, idiot. You know, Danny Trejo auditioned. Your new Colonel Sanders
could’ve been Machete, for Christ’s sake. Blew us away in the audition, in fact. But then we got a flurry of emails spewing vulgar, impossibly sexist language in regards to our first female colonel. Jesus. You’d think heavily-caricaturized brand ambassadors would be safe from you chauvinistic jackasses, but no. You ingrates. You absolute ingrates. When was the last new Ronald McDonald? Hmm? Does McDonald’s give you a new actor to portray their beloved mascot every year? That’s what we thought. So now, you get Pauly Shore. Good job.” Colonel Pauly then performs his “weasel” routine in its entirety.

Crocs Just Released High-Heels And People Are Losing It

(Tradesy)

Love them or hate them, Crocs are a staple of the dad community and won’t be going anywhere anytime soon.

However, in a recent turn of events, the infamous clog company released a surprising new model of footwear: the high-heel.

(Crocs)

Attempting to balance comfort and sophistication, the shoe looks about as glamourous as it can while still retaining the traditional Croc characteristics, and people are very split on whether or not they should exist.

Despite harsh reviews from critics and fashionistas as well as the steep $55 price tag, the newest version of Crocs are already selling out all over the place!

“Get all the fashion without sacrificing the comfort. Dress them up or down, and enjoy wherever the day takes you!” Crocs claims about the radical new heel. What do you think? Do these belong in a flaming dumpster fire or are you already eagerly buying early Christmas gifts?

The new ‘Cyprus V Heel’ is selling fast.

(Crocs)
(Crocs)

Some versions already selling out!

(Crocs)

 

And opinions vary quite a bit.

Grab a pair here now while you still can! Or do your best to erase this knowledge from your memory forever.

You know, either/or.

 

Father Figures: Timeless Toys

“At the ages of 8 and 10 years, my two boys became immersed in Cartoon Network’s “Hot Wheels Battle Force 5.”

They asked if I had the same cartoon/action figure fun when I was their age and I was happy to say yes.

I shared with them my 1980’s memories of MASK and how close the two toys lines followed each other. Our journey started there.

The three of us were able to return to my childhood home and venture through the attic storage, and we found the 80’s treasure right where I left them 25 years ago. We brought the collection home and cleaned the items up by hand, using the internet as a resource to match each character with his vehicle.

The journey continued as I watched the boys blend the two generations of toys together in their own universe, fueled by imagination. We were also able to find the DVD versions of MASK and HWBF5 and still sit down together to watch.

I couldn’t think of a better way to spend time with my boys and blend the two generations together.”

– William Phillips

Want to share a story about fatherhood? Email fatherfigures@thedad.com

Custom Watermelon Slicer Looks So Terrifyingly Awesome

(reddit/u/Texas12thMan)

If a guy with a missing finger told you he built a custom watermelon slicer that includes over a dozen massive kitchen knives, would you try it?

Are you kidding? No way.

What if that guy is your dad?

Oh, then absolutely. Here, let the kids try it first.

Wife’s dad built this watermelon slicer. from gifs

15 Hilarious Photos That Prove Kids Can Sleep Anywhere

(flickr/Pete Souza)

Not only are kids spoiled rotten with their near endless opportunities to nap, but most of them have the innate ability to fall asleep anywhere.

Seriously. ANYWHERE.

Here are 15 amazing photos of kids who just couldn’t wait to start counting those sheep.

A whole new meaning to "layover."

(Imgur)

What kind of masochistic napper is this??

(Imgur/dreadpirateciv)

To be fair, those White House chairs are super comfy.

(flickr/Pete Souza)

When you're so tired, even stopping to lay down is too much work.

(Reddit)

Let's be honest. If any of us could fit on a dog like this, we'd sleep there too.

(napshappen.net)

The tranquilizing effects of retail.

(Instagram/godsbella)

Eating yourself to sleep? That's the dream, kid.

(Reddit/zWeApOnz)

Don't eat the meatballs.

(napshappen.net)

The vampire snoozer.

(napshappen.net)

So close, yet...

(napshappen.net)

Either he's exhausted or that window smells amazing.

(Instagram/simwebb)

Sometimes you don't even have the energy to take your shoes off.

(napshappen.net)

You've heard of a "bed & breakfast," but have you ever tried a "sleep & shower"?

(Instagram/meaganjoy)

Have you tried sleeping at a 90 degree angle? It's all the rage with the kids.

(Imgur)

I mean, it's not like anyone else was using it.

(Instagram/katiebssydney)

Tweet Roundup: 10 Hilarious Tweets About Taking Your Family To The Beach

(Getty)

Sunshine. Seagulls. Fifteen-minute walks to the nearest toilet. Nothing like a day in the sand with your family. Tuck that wallet in those sneakers, here are 10 of the funniest tweets about taking your family to the beach.

Ahh, the beach.

Great for spending quality time with the kids.

But be sure to schedule this trip wisely…

and pack accordingly.

Now that you’re settled in, why not build a sandcastle?

Or make some new friends?

Maybe bury a loved one in the sand?

If they’re busy, a family pet will suffice.

If you’re gonna take a dip, safeguard your belongings.

And finally, always leave with a souvenir.

10 Times Baby Monitors Captured The Creepiest Things Ever

(Getty/MartinPrescott)

In theory, baby monitors are a great idea. You get to move about your house freely while keeping a watchful eye on your little bundle of joy.

But technology isn’t perfect. Between the grainy black and white night vision cameras and finicky audio channels that randomly pick up other frequencies, you’re bound to witness some creepy and, occasionally, inexplicable footage.

Here are 10 moments caught by baby monitors that totally creeped us out.

It's time to play "Is That A Bundle of Blankets Or The Ghost of Long Dead Infant?"

(Imgur)

Spines are supposed to bend that way, right?

(wikimedia)

Ok. Ummm, nope forever.

He gets his black, soulless eyes from his mother.

(wikimedia)

Is this a lulluby or exorcism situation?

The weirdest part is mom casually referring to her child as "stink bottom."

Oh, what beautiful eyes you have, possessed infant.

(reddit/u/Lynoctis)

Please tell me he has a twin... please tell me he has a twin...

(Instagram/siljewoods)

This is fine.

(Instagram/sweetmigliore)

His four demon eyes aren't weird. They're "unique."

(Pinterest)

 

Father Figures: Driving Lessons

“I’m a terrible driver.

No testament to my grandpa, who taught me how to drive – he was a teacher through and through, both by trade and by soul. He was forever clipping articles out of the paper that he thought would teach us something, and that got passed down to my dad naturally.

Neither were overly emotional men, preferring to demonstrate how much they loved us through teaching us things, rather than simply stating it. Just as valuable, not as obvious. 

One day my dad and I were sitting in the driveway in his Honda Pilot, ready for a driving lesson (my grandpa was busy that day). He tried to calm me but I was nervous. I mixed up the gas and brake pedals and – in slow motion yet also at lightening speed – drove straight through our garage door. 

Yeeeeeah. 

The splinters and beams rained down around us, I think I was screaming, my mom came rushing out of the house. My dad got out of the car, calmly took my hand and led me down to our basement, where we sat on the couch and hugged and he told me it was okay. For this minute, it was just us in the basement and nothing outside mattered and everything was going to be okay. 

Fifteen years later, my marriage had fallen apart. I was living in another city and unreasonably petrified to face my parents and talk it through. Pulling in their driveway, it probably really was slow motion as the tears started to roll down my cheeks at the thought of rebuilding my life and having to explain to them what went wrong. 

My dad met me in the driveway, wordlessly unbuckled my daughter from the car seat, handed her to my mom, took my hand and led me to the basement. 

‘It’s okay,’ he said, voice wavering slightly. My eyes spilled over and I sobbed into his chest as he rocked me the way he had so many years ago. 

‘It’s okay. Right now, it’s just us down here. Nothing out there matters. It’s going to be okay.’ 

Nothing I expected, everything I needed. I love you Dad.” 

– Liz Vetrano

Want to share a story about fatherhood? Email fatherfigures@thedad.com