The Funniest Part About My Daughter’s Kidney Surgery

(Mark Chalifoux)

The day my infant daughter underwent kidney surgery was one of the hardest days of my life. It was also the day on which I saw one of the funniest performances I’ll ever see.

The doctor noticed it on an early ultrasound. Our daughter’s kidney was slightly enlarged. The doctor seemed nonplussed, saying it wasn’t uncommon and nearly all babies with it grow out of it before they’re born. The pediatrician gave us a similar speech after our daughter was born. The kidney was still enlarged, but almost all babies grow out of it by six months. At six months, the specialist recited the speech and moved the goal posts back to a year. It wasn’t long after that my wife and I found ourselves in a scary room in Children’s Hospital, holding our daughter during the painful test that would indicate she’d need kidney surgery before her second birthday.

Any hospital experience with a child is indescribably gut-wrenching. The worst parts of this fairly routine procedure were the insertion of an IV and a catheter, and the fact that we had to hold her on her back on a table for an hour.

In the room full of scary machines along with a pair of kind nurses was a child life specialist, whose job is to distract the baby and keep them from freaking out. It’s usually a petite woman with a preschool teacher vibe, but on this day it was a dude who looked like he walked into the room off the set of a Buffalo Wild Wings commercial, armed with a pink plastic jug of bubbles and a wand.

(Getty/Eric Audras)

His bubbles and toys briefly intrigued Emma, while the nurses explained to my wife and I how the next 90 minutes was gonna go. After that, shit got real. It took two techs to hold down our tiny, terrified, writhing daughter to get the IV in. My wife and I held her hand on the other side of the table, barely holding it together.

It’s one of the hardest things in the world to see as a parent, your tiny, scared baby being strapped to a table while screaming hysterically. Her tear-filled eyes expressed panic and confusion mixed with betrayal. It was a look that was forever burned into my brain.

We all knew the next hour was going to be horrible and the grim looks on our faces reflected that.

Except for the bubbles guy.

In this room full of highly educated nurses and technicians doing serious work, he had to keep dancing around, singing Emma’s name, blowing bubbles aimlessly into the air, all while being completely and totally ignored.

I’ve never seen anyone bomb harder in my life, and it was one of the funniest things I think I’ll ever see. The juxtaposition was jarring in a way that I couldn’t comprehend in the moment. It was like watching a Civil War surgeon operate inches from a vaudeville clown getting pied in the face.

He would dance from foot-to-foot, singing her name like he was heckling a relief pitcher. “Emmm-aaaaaa, Emmm-aaaaa,” he sang over the violent screams of a baby wholly unaware of his existence.

I couldn’t get over it. This was his job. His coworkers probably went through extensive schooling and complex training to be in that room while all he had to do was humiliate himself like a court jester.

In retrospect, it would’ve been weird if his tricks had worked. I’d probably be more concerned about my daughter if she paused her agony to temporarily appreciate the bubbles.

“AHHHHHH, AHHHHH, AHHH-wait…are those bubbles? Hey, you guys seeing this? He’s got bubbles. Hm. I didn’t even know they did that here. Hah. Anyway, AHHHHH-AHHHHHHH-AHHHHHH!!!!!”

At that point, I realized he wasn’t there for my daughter. He was there for me. While I was experiencing the worst thing ever, I also got to watch the worst thing ever, and that made me feel like everything was gonna be okay in the end.

(Mark Chalifoux)

Landmine Sniffing “Hero Rat” Wins Gold Medal for Bravery

Hero Rat
(Twitter/PDSA_HQ)

One of Britain’s highest honors has been awarded to a rat. That’s kind of where we’re at in 2020, a rat gets awarded a medal for bravery, but the vermin definitely deserved it. Magawa is a mine-sniffing rat who has been trained to sniff out explosives, and he’s been saving lives in Cambodia.

Magawa, our hero rat, has helped clear more than 1.5 million square feet of land from mines, sniffing out dozens of explosives in the process. The British nonprofit PDSA awarded Magawa the gold medal for his bravery, making it the first time a rat has won the most prestigious honor for animals in Britain.

The relationship with animals usually goes one way, with people going out of their way to care for them in times of need or hang with them as a drinking buddy. Yeah, you see stories about dogs doing something cool, but there aren’t too many medal-winning badass rats out there. Magawa may be a tribe of just one when it comes to that.

In the virtual award ceremony (thanks COVID), the charity director called him a “hero rat”, which are two words that don’t go together much. “Pizza rat”, sure, or even “Pixar Cooking Rat” when you can’t come up with the title of Ratatouille, those make sense. “Hero rat” is a phrase that hasn’t been uttered since Splinter trained mutant turtles in martial arts.

“Magawa’s dedication, skill and bravery are an extraordinary example of this and deserve the highest possible recognition,” the charity said in a press release.


The charity said they use rats to help detect landmines because they are so fast. A rat can screen an area of 200 meters in a half-hour, which would take manual deminers four days.

In this case, it makes sense to give their high honor to Magawa, whose bravery is much bigger than the adorably small gold medal rightfully adorning his neck.

Twitter Shares the Annoying Jokes They Keep Using on Their Partners

Annoying Jokes
(Getty/killerb10)

Long-term relationships often need a little spicing up. It’s not easy being with the same person every day, year-in and year-out, and sometimes you need to find ways to keep things fresh. Even if that means annoying the shit out of your partner.

I’m an incredible husband, which is why I spend a few minutes every day irritating my wife. I have a variety of terrible jokes I use to poke at her, jokes I know she mostly can’t stand, but because I’ve been doing them for so long – years, in some cases – have become affection reminders of our bond. At least that’s what I tell myself.

Now, thanks to a tweet from writer Sophia Benoit, aka @1follwernodad, I know I’m not alone. She suggested that horrible, long-standing jokes – like when a random actor appears onscreen and I call my wife into the room so she can see her “favorite actor of all-time,” despite the fact that she almost never has any idea who the person is and it makes her angry – are a delight, and countless people responded with their favorite bits.

The responses are, quite simply, the best thing that’s ever happened to me:

There are SO MANY MORE. Sometimes, your best intentions backfire:

I beg you to go check out the threadcheck out the thread, and I leave you with this classic:

Buy an Actual T. Rex Skeleton and Dominate Your Neighborhood This Halloween

T-Rex Auction Christie's
(YouTube/Christie's)

The time to pimp out your property for Halloween is nearly here. You could “accidentally” order a massive reproduction of a dinosaur, or even bid on an animatronic one. But come on, it’s 2020, it’s time to kick things up a notch.

On October 6th, Christie’s will be auctioning off a full T. Rex skeleton, of the kind you might see at the American Museum of Natural History in New York City.

I won’t lie, I haven’t spent a lot of time at auctions. Back in the early 2000s, I dabbled in some eBay stuff, but that’s about it. I have zero experience with those fancy auctions they hold at Sotheby’s and Christie’s and that screw desperate Adam Sandler characters out of the fortune he needs to pay off gambling debts. (All of my experience comes from repeatedly outbidding people in a fruitless attempt at landing a vintage Dwight Evans jersey.)

From what I understand, most of the stuff they sell at the high-end auctions are expensive artifacts and priceless (bids notwithstanding) works of art.

Now, for the first time, they’re auctioning off something unique that can be considered both an artifact and a work of art, though not exactly one that you can hang on your wall.

“This is one of the best specimens discovered,” Christie’s head of Science & Natural History, James Hyslop, said on Christie’s site. “There simply aren’t [any other] T. rexes like this coming to market.”

That doesn’t exactly come as a surprise. You don’t typically see T. Rex skeletons for sale on eBay, and trust me, I’ve looked.

The specimen, which is named “Stan” after Stan Sacrison, who discovered it, comes in at 37 feet long and 13 feet high, and is expected to go for a whopping 6 to 8 million dollars when bids are placed next month.

Somebody is going to walk away with one hell of a Halloween decoration.

Check out the video:

Denver Broncos Fills Stands With Cardboard Cutouts of the Entire Town of South Park

Denver Broncos fill stadium with South Park characters
(Twitter/Broncos)

Oh my god, they built Kenny!

You know, out of cardboard. In fact, the Denver Broncos made the entire town of South Park out of cardboard and filled their stadium seats in the coolest possible way. The Denver Broncos are far from the first team to get creative with their empty stadiums, trying to fill the void left by formerly packed arenas and energetic crowds. They aren’t even the first to jump on the cardboard cutout train, but they took a different (*ahem* cooler) route than many other teams.

No matter where you live, South Park is iconic. Going into season 24, Trey Parker and Matt Stone have created one of the most consistently funny animated shows in the history of TV. What really sets South Park apart is that it somehow manages to weave complex social issues in with poop jokes, and it works.

Trey Parker and Matt Stone grew up in Colorado, even meeting and coming up with the idea for South Park while attending the University of Colorado. Both are big fans of their home team, throwing Denver Bronco references into their hit show on a fairly regular basis.

Now, it’s the Denver Broncos’s turn to make a South Park reference – and they freaking nailed it.

“Gang’s all here,” the Broncos tweeted with an incredible video panning the stands. They even created the South Park backdrop for full effect.

South Park tweeted out a message of support for their favorite team, taking a clip from season 3 episode “Spontaneous Combustion,” where a priest leads his congregation in a prayer for the Broncos. This time, they wove in clips of the cardboard South Park characters as if they were all praying for the Broncos to defeat the Tampa Bay Buccaneers on Sunday.

The only small detail amiss is that Randy is fully clothed and not trying to start a fight – though maybe that’s only a little league baseball thing.

Netflix Teases Their ‘Resident Evil: Infinite Darkness’ Animated Series

Resident Evil Teaser
(Netflix)

Recently, Netflix announced that they were entering the Resident Evil business.

We shared the news that the streaming platform was developing a new Resident Evil TV show that would feature an original story set within the Resident Evil world, an eight-episode series that will take place over two timelines.

But before we see frame one of that, we’re getting an entirely new Resident Evil movie, but not with Mill Jovovich. Unless she lends her voice. Because this new Resident Evil movie is an anime one, and you can see a trailer.

There’s not much to it, and there is precious little info about it, but the movie, Resident Evil: Infinite Darkness, features Resident Evil 2 protagonists Claire Redfield and Leon Kennedy.

“[Resident Evil: Infinite Darkness] is scheduled for a global launch in 2021 exclusively on Netflix. Three years after 2017’s CG film Resident Evil: Vendetta, technology has further evolved, creating the groundwork for a new series in unprecedented full 3DCG animation,” Netflix said about the original series in a new statement. “Since the first game was released in 1996 on Sony PlayStation, the Resident Evil series is nearing its 25th anniversary. With the series continuing to evolve even now, a new title carves itself into the series’ history. This series is entitled RESIDENT EVIL: Infinite Darkness.”

The movie is set to hit Netflix in 2021. Check out the trailer:

Woman Tries to Kidnap Joe Montana’s Grandchild, Must Have Forgotten His Nickname

Joe Thwarts Kidnapping
(Getty/Thearon W. Henderson)

It’s been a while since Joe Montana was keeping his cool on the field while leading the 49ers to 4 Super Bowls in the 80s, but after some harrowing events over the weekend, it’s clear the most celebrated QB of the 80s hasn’t lost his edge.

During Sunday’s football games, news broke of a bizarre story involving Joe Cool himself, in which a home intruder broke into the Montana’s house and attempted to snatch up their grandchild. It happened on Saturday when a 39-year-old woman walked through an unlocked door right into the Montana’s Malibu, California home.

The woman found the Montana’s 9-month-old baby in a playpen and just picked her up. Joe and his wife Jennifer confronted the woman and tried to keep things calm, asking for the child back. A scuffle ensued, according to TMZ, and Jennifer was able to pull her grandchild free.

The woman took off but was quickly apprehended.

Joe Montana posted an update on Twitter, thanking everyone for their concern.

Quite the bizarre story, and thankfully the baby is safe. It seems pretty clear that some of Joe’s steely nerves must have rubbed off on his wife, and together they were the wrong couple to mess with. Turns out Joe’s a Hall of Fame grandfather too.

Let’s see Tom Brady do that.

Father Figures: Bond, Amazing Bond

“I was a teenage single mom. My son’s father walked away shortly after he was born.

I met my husband when my son was three years old. He stepped up and became that man my son loved to look up to. They’re best friends and have an amazing bond.

In 2017, my husband adopted him. We gave my son the option to keep his last name or to have my husband’s. He’s very proud to be a Gleason.

We now have another son as well and I caught my oldest telling his baby brother when he was born ‘our dad is pretty cool, you’ll like him.’

To all the dads that stepped up when another walked away, we truly appreciate and love you.”

– Megan Gleason

Electrician Helps Elderly Woman Rebuild Home, Sparks Movement

Electrician Helps Elderly Neighbor Rebuild Her Home and Sparks a Movement
(Facebook/Gloria's Gladiators)

It was a seemingly ordinary day for Massachusetts dad and electrician John Kinney when he received a call from a woman named Gloria Scott. Scott, a 72-year-old woman living alone in her home contacted Kinney because one of her light fixtures was popping and sparking. Upon arriving at the elderly woman’s house, Kinney realized that the sparking light was just one of a laundry list of issues inside of Scott’s deteriorating house. Kinney fixed the light and left, but the kindhearted electrician couldn’t stop thinking about Scott’s living conditions. It wasn’t long before Kinney made his decision – he was going to help make this 72-year-old’s house livable.

“I knew she needed help and I knew she wasn’t going to ask for it,” Kinney told CNN.

The problems lurking within the home of this elderly woman were not only unpleasant, they were downright dangerous. There were holes in her ceiling where wild animals were living, Scott left her water turned off for days at a time because her kitchen sink would spray boiling-hot water – the only shelter the 72-year-old had was unsafe.

Kinney returned to Scott’s house the following week and got to work, without asking for anything in return. In fact, some of Kinney’s friends stepped up as well to help their elderly neighbor with her yard work. Though Kinney was willing to work for free, the materials needed for the repairs were expensive. Instead of asking Scott to cover the costs, Kinney turned to his community.

He started a fundraising page, asking for support to help his struggling neighbor who was quietly living in unsafe conditions.

Kinney explained on the fundraiser’s Facebook page, “Last week, I met a nice old woman that lives all alone in Woburn. She has no internet or cell phone. When sparks started shooting out of her light fixture, she went to a neighbor, and they gave her my number. When I arrived at her house I discovered that the electrical was in very bad shape. Half her lights were out, she had no stove, and her refrigerator was plugged into an extension cord. I fixed her immediate electrical hazards and got her lights and air conditioning on.”

Gloria's Gladiators
(Facebook/Gloria's Gladiators)

The post continued, “When all the lights came on, I saw that her ceilings were falling apart, her kitchen sink was broken, and that the place was filthy. She told me that critters often got in the house. The outside was no better. Gutters were falling down and it was surrounded by a jungle. She has no family, and money is tight. I got some volunteers together and we went in there and did a ton of yard work and cleanup. Everyone did an amazing job, and this nice old woman was very grateful. It’s simply just not enough though.”

Kinney stated that he was looking only for enough funds to cover the cost of materials, as he had a network of professionals willing to help with the labor for free. It wasn’t long before the community stepped up, bigger and louder than Kinney ever anticipated. In just over a month, the fundraiser collected over $100,000.

Outside of the financial support, volunteers showed up to help. Restaurants donated meals. Complete strangers contributed materials for the multitude of projects that needed to be done within Scott’s home. An entire community banded together to help a complete stranger, generously giving both time and money to make sure Gloria Scott had a safe place to live.

Gloria's Gladiators
(Facebook/Gloria's Gladiators)

From the beautiful outpouring of support, Gloria’s Gladiators was born. Kinney created the group to fight for community members who are unable to fight for themselves, and in the short duration of the group’s existence, it’s accumulated over 6,000 members.

“We are a group of professional tradesmen and volunteers that can be called upon to help out any elderly person in need,” the group’s Facebook Page states.

Gloria Scott was one of many elderly individuals living in less-than-ideal conditions, and like many, she had nobody to turn to when she needed help. Kinney hopes that Gloria’s Gladiators will amp up support for people just like her around the country, ensuring that none of our elderly neighbors will be forced to endure dangerous living conditions.

“She reminds me of my grandmother,” Kinney told CNN. “My daughter has bonded with her, my wife has bonded with her. It doesn’t stop here. Gloria is a part of my life.”

Gloria's Gladiators
(Facbook/Gloria's Gladiators)

One light fixture sparked an entire movement, and the energy and behind Gloria’s Gladiators is so powerful, so tangible – it’s almost electric.

Yippee Ki-Yay, Motherf*ckers! We Ranked Every Die Hard

(20th Century Fox)

It’s no secret we’re fans of the greatest movie (and Christmas movie) ever made, aka Die Hard. Heck, we’re even willing to keep an open mind about the forthcoming Disney Die Hard reboot.

Given Die Hard 2 just turned 30 years old on July 4th, we thought it’d be nice to look back at the franchise that birthed a whole new sub-genre of action flicks. There’s a reason you’ll hear a movie like Air Force One described as “Die Hard on a plane.”

So to commemorate the 30th anniversary of Die Hard 2, here is our ranking of all five movies in the series.

5. A Good Day To Die Hard

(20th Century Fox)

This one’s a no-brainer. Save for a handful of decent action sequences (this car chase has its moments!), the fifth and final Die Hard installment is a massive misfire. The story is uninspired, the exposition is tedious, and the John McClain character we know and love is nowhere to be found. He’s just sort of… Bruce Willis. Easily the worst entry in the franchise. Skip it.

4. Die Hard 2

(20th Century Fox)

Remember how Air Force One was basically Die Hard on a plane. Well, technically Die Hard 2 is Die Hard on a plane. Kinda similar to the original, but still a really solid action flick, with no shortage of big fiery explosions and McClain’s brutal one-liners. Plus you get to see him in a cardigan this time! A great movie that doesn’t deserve to be touching #5 on this list.

3. Live Free Or Die Hard

(20th Century Fox)

Many fans wrote off the fourth Die Hard as being too over-the-top and outlandish, but that is precisely what makes it so damn entertaining. Launching cars at helicopters midair, dodging missile fire from fighter jets while commandeering semi trucks under crumbling freeway infrastructure… this is why we have movies, gang. Likable supporting characters and a never-ending supply ludicrous stunts make Live Free is a really fun and slept-on entry in the franchise.

2. Die Hard With A Vengeance

(20th Century Fox)

We’re pretty sure the third Die Hard is so phenomenal in part because it’s the one time we get to see our hero in his natural element. Despite being an NYPD detective, this is the only movie where we get to see John McClain in New York City. He uses this familiarity to his advantage, and it’s nothing short of breathtaking watching him and Zeus (Samuel L. Jackson) race across Manhattan to intercept explosives planted on a Brooklyn-bound subway. Every bit as fun as the first one. Which brings us to…

1. Die Hard

(20th Century Fox)

The first one. The movie that inspired a whole flavor of movie. SpeedWhite House DownThe Rock—hell, even Paul Blart: Mall Cop—all owe a debt of gratitude to what’s widely regarded as the single greatest action movie ever made. The script is ingenious. Every seemingly innocuous thing from the first act, from the plane passenger who suggests he not hesitate to get barefoot at the hotel, to Holly’s maiden name, to the fact that it’s Christmas and on Christmas there is an abundance of tape

No action is wasted, no dialogue is unnecessary. Everything you see matters. Flawless cast, jaw-dropping practical stunts, endlessly quotable. It’s a truly perfect movie, and for that reason it’s forever cemented its rank as #1.

Do you disagree with our ranking? Drop your top 5 in the comments!