Tweet Round-Up: 10 Funny Tweets To Share This Mother’s Day

By The Dad

Ah, Mother’s Day. The flowers. The breakfast in bed. The horde of panicked, forgetful men staring helplessly at the Walgreens card rack. This weekend, celebrate the woman who brought you into this world with these hilarious Mother’s Day tweets we found.

For full effect, use really inconsistent capitalization.

This Mother’s Day, get back at her by writing “I love you!” in all caps right on her Facebook wall where all her friends can see it.

— Alex Baze (@bazecraze) May 8, 2016

Nothing says “I love you” like twenty minutes of uninterrupted clanging.

Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.

— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) May 10, 2015

The good news: all of your fifth-cousins are doing great.

just got off the phone with my mom from last mother’s day

— jhon rules (@dearjhonletter) May 9, 2016

[finishes listening to voicemail from mom] Oh cool, 7% battery left.

I hope the Mother’s Day flowers I sent my Mom last at least as long this voicemail she’s leaving after I declined her call.

— Bryan Donaldson (@TheNardvark) May 11, 2013

The appropriate way to end a mom phone call.

Mom: Thanks for calling.
Me: Thanks for giving me life. One upped your weak-ass compliment. Happy Mother’s Day.

— Logan (@PlagueLovers) May 9, 2016

Do not, repeat, do not just leave her on the curb like your neighbors do.

[boxes up mom and puts her in the attic beside the christmas decorations until next mother’s day]

— Don Nichols (@TheDairylandDon) May 15, 2017

This is roughly the equivalent of fifty bouquets of flowers.

A peaceful poop.

My mother’s day wish.

— Marl (@Marlebean) May 11, 2014

Pitch this million dollar idea to Hallmark ASAP.

The best Mother’s Day card would have a little schmutz on it that needed to be wiped off with a lil mom spit™

— Aparna Nancherla (@aparnapkin) May 10, 2015

Genius save.

Rite Aid was out of Mother’s Day cards pic.twitter.com/oL5YOoWboO

— Aaron Chewning (@AaronChewning) May 10, 2015

In retrospect, we all made pretty terrible first impressions.

Happy Mother’s day to a special lady who still loves me even though I pooped my pants for over a year after we first met.

— Mike Primavera (@primawesome) May 10, 2015

Crocs Just Released High-Heels And People Are Losing It

By Jordan Stratton

18 hours ago

Love them or hate them, Crocs are a staple of the dad community and won’t be going anywhere anytime soon.

However, in a recent turn of events, the infamous clog company released a surprising new model of footwear: the high-heel.

Attempting to balance comfort and sophistication, the shoe looks about as glamourous as it can while still retaining the traditional Croc characteristics, and people are very split on whether or not they should exist.

Despite harsh reviews from critics and fashionistas as well as the steep $55 price tag, the newest version of Crocs are already selling out all over the place!

“Get all the fashion without sacrificing the comfort. Dress them up or down, and enjoy wherever the day takes you!” Crocs claims about the radical new heel. What do you think? Do these belong in a flaming dumpster fire or are you already eagerly buying early Christmas gifts?

The new ‘Cyprus V Heel’ is selling fast.

Some versions already selling out!

And opinions vary quite a bit.

Spent a long time looking for a particular style of high heel, finally find them and… they're made by Crocs. They're technically high-heeled Crocs. Can I do that to myself? I feel like I'd burst into flames the moment I put them on.

— Rebecca Spelman (@RebeccaSpelman) July 13, 2018

Just heard this world has produced/released “high heel crocs” I’m out. 🙄🤦🏻‍♂️

— Luke Friend (@LukeFriendMusic) July 13, 2018

About to rock tf out of some high heel crocs

— arwen undómiel (@Amandagenevi) July 14, 2018

There are so many sad things going on in the world right now. We didn’t need to add high heel crocs to the list. #crocs pic.twitter.com/8PdWE15YaC

— StilettoNinja (@bonheurchasse) July 12, 2018

Grab a pair here now while you still can! Or do your best to erase this knowledge from your memory forever.

You know, either/or.

Father Figures: Timeless Toys

By Mike Julianelle

20 hours ago

“At the ages of 8 and 10 years, my two boys became immersed in Cartoon Network’s “Hot Wheels Battle Force 5.”

They asked if I had the same cartoon/action figure fun when I was their age and I was happy to say yes.

I shared with them my 1980’s memories of MASK and how close the two toys lines followed each other. Our journey started there.

The three of us were able to return to my childhood home and venture through the attic storage, and we found the 80’s treasure right where I left them 25 years ago. We brought the collection home and cleaned the items up by hand, using the internet as a resource to match each character with his vehicle.

The journey continued as I watched the boys blend the two generations of toys together in their own universe, fueled by imagination. We were also able to find the DVD versions of MASK and HWBF5 and still sit down together to watch.

I couldn’t think of a better way to spend time with my boys and blend the two generations together.”

– William Phillips

Want to share a story about fatherhood? Email fatherfigures@thedad.com

Custom Watermelon Slicer Looks So Terrifyingly Awesome

By Jordan Stratton

2 days ago

If a guy with a missing finger told you he built a custom watermelon slicer that includes over a dozen massive kitchen knives, would you try it?

Are you kidding? No way.

What if that guy is your dad?

Oh, then absolutely. Here, let the kids try it first.

Wife’s dad built this watermelon slicer. from gifs

15 Hilarious Photos That Prove Kids Can Sleep Anywhere

By Jordan Stratton

2 days ago

Not only are kids spoiled rotten with their near endless opportunities to nap, but most of them have the innate ability to fall asleep anywhere.

Seriously. ANYWHERE.

Here are 15 amazing photos of kids who just couldn’t wait to start counting those sheep.

A whole new meaning to "layover."

What kind of masochistic napper is this??

To be fair, those White House chairs are super comfy.

When you're so tired, even stopping to lay down is too much work.

Let's be honest. If any of us could fit on a dog like this, we'd sleep there too.

The tranquilizing effects of retail.

Eating yourself to sleep? That's the dream, kid.

Don't eat the meatballs.

The vampire snoozer.

So close, yet...

Either he's exhausted or that window smells amazing.

Sometimes you don't even have the energy to take your shoes off.

You've heard of a "bed & breakfast," but have you ever tried a "sleep & shower"?

Have you tried sleeping at a 90 degree angle? It's all the rage with the kids.

I mean, it's not like anyone else was using it.

As Seen On TV

By Aaron Alvarez

3 days ago

Tweet Roundup: 10 Hilarious Tweets About Taking Your Family To The Beach

By The Dad

3 days ago

Sunshine. Seagulls. Fifteen-minute walks to the nearest toilet. Nothing like a day in the sand with your family. Tuck that wallet in those sneakers, here are 10 of the funniest tweets about taking your family to the beach.

Ahh, the beach.

[God creating the ocean]
GOD: Just put water friggin everywhere.
ANGEL: Nice, that way if they’re thirsty, they—
GOD: Make it undrinkable.

— style rat (@themiltron) June 8, 2015

Great for spending quality time with the kids.

Took my kids to the beach and tried to release them like I’ve seen sea turtle parents do, but they just stood there and asked me for snacks.

— The Real American Dadass (@R_A_Dadass) July 12, 2018

But be sure to schedule this trip wisely…

Shark week is actually the safest time to go to the beach because all the sharks are busy being on TV

— Big Duddy (@EricThomas_311) July 24, 2017

and pack accordingly.

No one is full of more false hope than a parent bringing a chair to the beach.

— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) June 28, 2018

Now that you’re settled in, why not build a sandcastle?

Let’s be real, dads who build elaborate sandcastles. You’re only doing it for yourself and your moat is fucking pathetic.

— Zoë Klar (@zoeklar) November 20, 2012

Or make some new friends?

ME: Here’s the situation, all the Dads are going to reenact the beach volleyball scene from top gun

DAUGHTER: plz dad no

— Your BFF (@iLikeCatShirts) June 18, 2018

Maybe bury a loved one in the sand?

My daughter loves being buried up to her neck in sand at the beach. Her little face lights up when I come back to get her the next day.

— Ryan Reynolds (@VancityReynolds) July 16, 2017

If they’re busy, a family pet will suffice.

The kids got bored at the beach. pic.twitter.com/jw4n7Zqp2e

— Ken Jennings (@KenJennings) September 15, 2017

If you’re gonna take a dip, safeguard your belongings.

[at the beach, about to get in the ocean]

“but i don’t want my stuff stolen”

*covers it with towel*

“ok now it’s safe”

— The Hype (@TheHyyyype) July 11, 2017

And finally, always leave with a souvenir.

Just got back from the beach with my family if anybody knows any other beaches that need more sand.

— mark (@TheCatWhisprer) May 22, 2016

10 Times Baby Monitors Captured The Creepiest Things Ever

By Jordan Stratton

3 days ago

In theory, baby monitors are a great idea. You get to move about your house freely while keeping a watchful eye on your little bundle of joy.

But technology isn’t perfect. Between the grainy black and white night vision cameras and finicky audio channels that randomly pick up other frequencies, you’re bound to witness some creepy and, occasionally, inexplicable footage.

Here are 10 moments caught by baby monitors that totally creeped us out.

It's time to play "Is That A Bundle of Blankets Or The Ghost of Long Dead Infant?"

Spines are supposed to bend that way, right?

Ok. Ummm, nope forever.

He gets his black, soulless eyes from his mother.

Is this a lulluby or exorcism situation?

this is my 1st time babysitting & idk where i went wrong but my niece is currently asleep on her head

do i call the parents or the exorcist pic.twitter.com/bGaTCFSiCz

— Mikaela (@MikaelaLong) October 9, 2016

The weirdest part is mom casually referring to her child as "stink bottom."

Oh, what beautiful eyes you have, possessed infant.

Please tell me he has a twin... please tell me he has a twin...

This is fine.

His four demon eyes aren't weird. They're "unique."

#1 DAD: NIGHTMARE

By The Dad

When I had a nightmare my dad always made IT alright.

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Father Figures: Driving Lessons

By Mike Julianelle

“I’m a terrible driver.

No testament to my grandpa, who taught me how to drive – he was a teacher through and through, both by trade and by soul. He was forever clipping articles out of the paper that he thought would teach us something, and that got passed down to my dad naturally.

Neither were overly emotional men, preferring to demonstrate how much they loved us through teaching us things, rather than simply stating it. Just as valuable, not as obvious.

One day my dad and I were sitting in the driveway in his Honda Pilot, ready for a driving lesson (my grandpa was busy that day). He tried to calm me but I was nervous. I mixed up the gas and brake pedals and – in slow motion yet also at lightening speed – drove straight through our garage door.

Yeeeeeah.

The splinters and beams rained down around us, I think I was screaming, my mom came rushing out of the house. My dad got out of the car, calmly took my hand and led me down to our basement, where we sat on the couch and hugged and he told me it was okay. For this minute, it was just us in the basement and nothing outside mattered and everything was going to be okay.

Fifteen years later, my marriage had fallen apart. I was living in another city and unreasonably petrified to face my parents and talk it through. Pulling in their driveway, it probably really was slow motion as the tears started to roll down my cheeks at the thought of rebuilding my life and having to explain to them what went wrong.

My dad met me in the driveway, wordlessly unbuckled my daughter from the car seat, handed her to my mom, took my hand and led me to the basement.

‘It’s okay,’ he said, voice wavering slightly. My eyes spilled over and I sobbed into his chest as he rocked me the way he had so many years ago.

‘It’s okay. Right now, it’s just us down here. Nothing out there matters. It’s going to be okay.’

Nothing I expected, everything I needed. I love you Dad.”

– Liz Vetrano

Want to share a story about fatherhood? Email fatherfigures@thedad.com

For full effect, use really inconsistent capitalization.

Nothing says “I love you” like twenty minutes of uninterrupted clanging.

The good news: all of your fifth-cousins are doing great.

[finishes listening to voicemail from mom] Oh cool, 7% battery left.

The appropriate way to end a mom phone call.

Do not, repeat, do not just leave her on the curb like your neighbors do.

This is roughly the equivalent of fifty bouquets of flowers.

Pitch this million dollar idea to Hallmark ASAP.

Genius save.

In retrospect, we all made pretty terrible first impressions.

The new ‘Cyprus V Heel’ is selling fast.

Some versions already selling out!

And opinions vary quite a bit.

A whole new meaning to "layover."

What kind of masochistic napper is this??

To be fair, those White House chairs are super comfy.

When you're so tired, even stopping to lay down is too much work.

Let's be honest. If any of us could fit on a dog like this, we'd sleep there too.

The tranquilizing effects of retail.

Eating yourself to sleep? That's the dream, kid.

Don't eat the meatballs.

The vampire snoozer.

So close, yet...

Either he's exhausted or that window smells amazing.

Sometimes you don't even have the energy to take your shoes off.

You've heard of a "bed & breakfast," but have you ever tried a "sleep & shower"?

Have you tried sleeping at a 90 degree angle? It's all the rage with the kids.

I mean, it's not like anyone else was using it.

Ahh, the beach.

Great for spending quality time with the kids.

But be sure to schedule this trip wisely…

and pack accordingly.

Now that you’re settled in, why not build a sandcastle?

Or make some new friends?

Maybe bury a loved one in the sand?

If they’re busy, a family pet will suffice.

If you’re gonna take a dip, safeguard your belongings.

And finally, always leave with a souvenir.

It's time to play "Is That A Bundle of Blankets Or The Ghost of Long Dead Infant?"

Spines are supposed to bend that way, right?

Ok. Ummm, nope forever.

He gets his black, soulless eyes from his mother.

Is this a lulluby or exorcism situation?

The weirdest part is mom casually referring to her child as "stink bottom."

Oh, what beautiful eyes you have, possessed infant.

Please tell me he has a twin... please tell me he has a twin...

This is fine.

His four demon eyes aren't weird. They're "unique."

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