14 Generic Grocery Brands Sure To Bring Shame To Your Family

(oola)

Every father knows part of being a good parent is embarrassing the hell out of your kids. If you’re worried you aren’t doing enough in the humiliation department, we’ve got a short cut for you: Buy generic anything.

Make your children suffer unspeakable turmoil by buying exactly the same thing in a box with the wrong cartoon character on it. Revel in their despair as you greedily count the stacks of nickels you’ve saved by not giving in to their pleas to buy the cool normal stuff Aiden’s family has in their pantry.

We’re on your side here. That’s why we scoured the web in search of the most ridiculous generic grocery products we could find. Let’s take a look at 15 products guaranteed to make your kids roll their eyes and scoff “oh my god dad why did you even buy this!?”

(awesomeinventions)

Panburger Partner, Hamburger Helper, Potburger Pal, Barbecueburger Bro, Skilletburger Sidekick… who cares, as long as your dinner in a box is supportive.

(the epoch times)

I need some laundry detergent for my mind after thinking “get a load of those Tids.”

(mybrands)

Nut Scooters is what happens when you take a ride on your kid’s Razor after too many drinks and fall on to the handlebars.

(can it go bad)

A strong arm representing a cleaning/baking product? Reasonable enough I suppose. A hatchet? Uh, maybe calm down?

I guess if you think about it hard enough a hammer is on the intense side too considering the typical uses for baking soda. Is there a baking soda where a severed arm isn’t yielding a weapon? Because I might be interested in that.

(flickr)

Why do the dew when you can go mountain shoutin’?!

My perfect weekend? Pounding a crisp caffeinated soda and biking up steep rocky terrain with my buds, finally reaching the mountain summit where we just shout until we lose our voices. Nothing makes me feel alive like Mountain Shoutin’.

(laelwilcox)

Life, Live It Up! Flavor it with cinnamon! Save on living it up when you use your club card! Live It Up to the max by sticking to your grocery budget! Live It Up by taking the time to use one of those free sanitizing wipes on your grocery cart to prevent the spread of germs!  Live It Up by ensuring you eat a balanced meal before shopping so you’re not making decisions based on hunger!

(complex)

Prongles: Once you open, you can’t stop hopin’ (dad never buys this creepy board sport pig brand again).

(Smosh)

I love that Dr. Pepper doesn’t have any flavor descriptors so how do you describe it? Doctor flavored bubble juice? Essence of doctor? Tongue tickling doctor water? “Honey, at the grocery store today just get me any soda by a doctor.”

(viralcraze)

0 out of 5 dentists recommend Crust.

(andwhatsnext)
(G3)

I Can’t Believe It’s Not Butter! Could it be butter? You’d Butter Believe It! Talk about an emotional rollercoaster. For me the exclamation point is the selling point on this. My kids ask me a million questions a day, I don’t need to take questions from my butter alternative.

(fizx)

I had a dog named Cocoa and there is no way I’m putting any Cocoa Drops in my mouth, sorry.

(mutually.com)

My grandma buys off brand Oreos and they’re all horrible but at least these have the redeeming quality of x-rated innuendo. Sorry Grandma, for both parts of that sentence.

(oola)

Silly Racoon, Pranks are for underprivileged children embarrassed to have friends sleep over because what if they expect to eat name brand cereal in the morning?

——-

Your kids may groan and call you cheap, but you’ll be laughing your way to the Coinstar to cash in your spare change.

Pee-Wee Football Player Gets Pumped Up on the Sidelines

Jim Gaffigan Has Something to Say About Beer

(Getty/master1305/Tom Briglia)

A general rule of thumb when making small talk: Don’t talk about religion, politics, or beer preferences.

All three are bound to erupt into heated debates. In the dad community beer in particular tends to be an extremely touchy subject. Everyone seems to have an opinion on what makes a beer amazing or downright sacrilegious, and comedian Jim Gaffigan is no different.

You’re either in full agreement with Jim’s purist perspective or cracking your knuckles to write a scathing comment touting your superior craft beer palate.

But that’s the great thing about beer, nay… America. We all have individual tastes. Just because some guy doesn’t share your affinity for a specific brew, that doesn’t mean he’s wrong (even though he is!) It just means you get to connect with someone with a differing perspective, while drinking beer!

So, if you see Jim in a bar, don’t make fun of him for his taste in beer. Instead, buy him a round, and make fun of his age – like an adult.

Cheers, Jim!

Back To School Photo Fails

(Facebook.com/DaveHannem)

Parents love to capture the moment on the first day back to school, but sometimes that moment isn’t what we envisioned. Check out these hilarious back to school photo fails from The Dad community.

(Instagram.com/cheeksmagee)
(Facebook.com/KellySmith)
(Instagram.com/abbyjmccoy)
(Instagram.com/instagramycohen)
(Facebook.com/DaveHannem)
(Instagram.com/JoyScribner)
(Instagram.com/bullitt.with.a.name)
(Facebook.com/KristenMadral)
(Instagram.com/heatherdtomlinson)

Dad Grades – Hal from Malcolm in the Middle

(Photo Credit: 20th Century Fox)

Years before his dark turn as meth kingpin Heisenberg, Bryan Cranston starred as Hal on the criminally under-appreciated sitcom, Malcolm in the Middle. While his sadistically overbearing wife, Lois, was perpetually at wits end with their four mischievous sons, the much more care-free Hal happily took the passenger seat in their parenting roles.

DAD STRENGTHS

(Photo Credit: 20th Century Fox)

Hal is a loving husband and father. He shows Lois affection through raw animalistic passion and utter dependence. He even admits to it, once telling Lois that he and their boys are not smart enough to function without her, and in return can only offer his total obedience.

He takes a much calmer, more sympathetic approach to parenting than Lois. She has a short fuse, at the end of which is a barrel of dynamite eager to ground someone for the rest of their life. Hal, conversely, seizes any opportunity to bond with his boys by having a sit-down and doling out fatherly words of wisdom.

(Photo Credit: 20th Century Fox)

He’s far more lenient, but will raise his voice and put his foot down when necessary. He’s often creative in his punishments. For example, when Malcolm told him “[bleep] you,” Hal sat him down in the backyard and forced him to look him in the eyes and read aloud a comprehensive list of every vile swear words, teaching him their power.

His biggest strength, however, is his laid-back, often immature attitude. It serves as a refreshing palate cleanser for Lois’ incessant shouting. He is truly the yin to her yang.

DAD WEAKNESSES

He’s more permissive than his wife. In one episode, Hal surprises the boys by letting them skip school to accompany him at some stock car races.

Hal’s lax approach to parenting is, regrettably, his biggest weakness. His spontaneity and often childish behavior sets a bad example for his sons. Case in point: the steamroller. After winning some money on a scratch-off, Hal secretly rents a steamroller.

(Photo Credit: 20th Century Fox)

When Dewey catches him, Hal agrees to let him steamroll over Reese’s bike. Ultimately, Hal goes mad with power and Dewey must talk him down from steamrolling a row of cars. Surely this gave Dewey license to misbehave in the future. His impulsive nature is typically harmless, but still sets precedent for the delinquency of his kids.

VERDICT

Despite shortcomings at the cost of his need to be the parent his sons actually like, Hal is a great father. Sure, all four of his sons are rambunctious hellions, disobedient and destructive at every turn, but that’s predominantly the result of their stubborn, temperamental mother. He’s a big-hearted working stiff, determined to provide for his family however dysfunctional they may be.

FINAL DAD GRADE: A-

Dancing Dad Embarrasses Daughter at Baseball Game [VIDEO]

Being a dad involves a lot of anxiety, drudgery, and stress. Sometimes you get to enjoy the perks of parenting, like embarrassing your children on television. Or in the stands at a Cubs game.

Or both!

This dad knows what’s up. He ignores his daughter’s attempts to get him to stop dancing and then doubles down on the silly moves.

Father Figures: Be Positive

“My twin girls (Faye and Felicia) are both autistic.

Felicia was diagnosed before she was three; she’s non verbal and loves life in her own wee bubble. Once she lets you in, it’s amazing. That’s her circle of trust.

Faye is her total opposite, always singing and chatting up a storm. Once they started preschool, we found out that Faye was showing signs of autism that we perhaps overlooked because she was so advanced.

My wife and I, with the assistance of Faye’s teachers, pushed hard to get her assessed, reassessed and diagnosed. Faye is very smart and fooled the specialist in the first assessment regarding extra help in school. We were very lucky when she was diagnosed, because the specialist ASD doctors could still recognize her traits.

It’s been a long journey and no two days are alike. Through it all we’ve learned that Faye is just a younger, female version of her older brother. From her diagnosis, we were able to recognize the ASD traits in Jordan. He is now beginning the diagnostic process.

But long story short, both our girls now attend an autism unit in a special school. It’s a God send and they are both doing great! They turned 6 in August and Jordan will be 11 this December.

Be positive and always make sure your child gets all they need. Raising a child with special needs definitely puts into perspective what’s important in life!

Everything for the kids!”

– Nic Young

Want to share a story about fatherhood? Email fatherfigures@thedad.com

8-Year-Old Girl Stuns Crowd at Harlem Globetrotters Game [VIDEO]

(YouTube/Harlem Globetrotters)

When the Harlem Globetrotters called Samaya Clark-Gabriel onto the court at halftime of their game, the crowd at Madison Square Garden wasn’t sure what to expect. But at this stage in a Globetrotters game it would certainly take a lot to impress them.

First she just started dribbling.

But then she started dribbling two basketballs at once. And then she started dribbling two basketballs at once while wearing a blindfold. And then she started dribbling two basketballs at once while wearing a blindfold and DOING A SPLIT.

Wow. Did they sign her yet?

Big Dad Rides Small Bike as a Tribute to Late Daughter

(JustGiving/Peter Williams)

Peter Williams of Penzance, England is showing incredible strength after the loss of his daughter. On Friday at 10am, he began a 211-mile ride to raise money for The Brain Tumour Charity.

In 2015, Peter lost his 7-year-old daughter, Ellie, to a rare form of brain cancer, only six months after she was diagnosed.

To honor his daughter he decided to begin his ride at Bristol Children’s Hospital where Ellie was treated. He’s also making the entire trip on her little pink bike, which is only 20″ high. Given Peter is 6 feet tall, that’s going to make for an additional challenge, but he’s up for it.

Aside from a small modification to the bike’s seat, he’ll be riding the bike as-is. “My knees clear the handlebars by about half an inch so it’s going to be really tight, but it’s a great bike,” he told the BBC. When he factors in his unique mode of transportation Peter estimates the ride from Bristol to Land’s End will take him a week to complete.

Ellie loved cycling and impressed her dad at age three, when she was able to ride without training wheels.

(JustGiving/Peter Williams)

The bike he’ll be riding was her pride and joy – a present she received for her last Christmas.

So far Peter has raised £23,349 (roughly $30K US) through his JustGiving campaign, already doubling his £10,000 target.

What a guy! What a dad! Go, Peter, go!

If you’d like donate to Peter’s campaign, visit his JustGiving page.

If you want to learn more about where the money is going, check out The Brain Tumour Charity.