Every father knows part of being a good parent is embarrassing the hell out of your kids. If you’re worried you aren’t doing enough in the humiliation department, we’ve got a short cut for you: Buy generic anything.
Make your children suffer unspeakable turmoil by buying exactly the same thing in a box with the wrong cartoon character on it. Revel in their despair as you greedily count the stacks of nickels you’ve saved by not giving in to their pleas to buy the cool normal stuff Aiden’s family has in their pantry.
We’re on your side here. That’s why we scoured the web in search of the most ridiculous generic grocery products we could find. Let’s take a look at 15 products guaranteed to make your kids roll their eyes and scoff “oh my god dad why did you even buy this!?”
Panburger Partner, Hamburger Helper, Potburger Pal, Barbecueburger Bro, Skilletburger Sidekick… who cares, as long as your dinner in a box is supportive.
I need some laundry detergent for my mind after thinking “get a load of those Tids.”
Nut Scooters is what happens when you take a ride on your kid’s Razor after too many drinks and fall on to the handlebars.
A strong arm representing a cleaning/baking product? Reasonable enough I suppose. A hatchet? Uh, maybe calm down?
I guess if you think about it hard enough a hammer is on the intense side too considering the typical uses for baking soda. Is there a baking soda where a severed arm isn’t yielding a weapon? Because I might be interested in that.
Why do the dew when you can go mountain shoutin’?!
My perfect weekend? Pounding a crisp caffeinated soda and biking up steep rocky terrain with my buds, finally reaching the mountain summit where we just shout until we lose our voices. Nothing makes me feel alive like Mountain Shoutin’.
Life, Live It Up! Flavor it with cinnamon! Save on living it up when you use your club card! Live It Up to the max by sticking to your grocery budget! Live It Up by taking the time to use one of those free sanitizing wipes on your grocery cart to prevent the spread of germs! Live It Up by ensuring you eat a balanced meal before shopping so you’re not making decisions based on hunger!
Prongles: Once you open, you can’t stop hopin’ (dad never buys this creepy board sport pig brand again).
I love that Dr. Pepper doesn’t have any flavor descriptors so how do you describe it? Doctor flavored bubble juice? Essence of doctor? Tongue tickling doctor water? “Honey, at the grocery store today just get me any soda by a doctor.”
0 out of 5 dentists recommend Crust.
I Can’t Believe It’s Not Butter! Could it be butter? You’d Butter Believe It! Talk about an emotional rollercoaster. For me the exclamation point is the selling point on this. My kids ask me a million questions a day, I don’t need to take questions from my butter alternative.
I had a dog named Cocoa and there is no way I’m putting any Cocoa Drops in my mouth, sorry.
My grandma buys off brand Oreos and they’re all horrible but at least these have the redeeming quality of x-rated innuendo. Sorry Grandma, for both parts of that sentence.
Silly Racoon, Pranks are for underprivileged children embarrassed to have friends sleep over because what if they expect to eat name brand cereal in the morning?
Your kids may groan and call you cheap, but you’ll be laughing your way to the Coinstar to cash in your spare change.