75 Hilarious Quotes About Dads and Being a Father

75 Hilarious Quotes About Dads and Being a Father
(Getty/Barry Brecheisen/Stringer)

All fathers have stories about something funny, absurd or absolutely insane their kids have done. It’s nice to have the occasional reminder that we’re not alone in this. All of the things so crazy you think no one else could possibly be dealing with, we’re ALL facing! So we’ve compiled a collection of funny thoughts and stories from some of our favorite famous dads.

1. “I would say that the hardest thing about being a parent is these goddamned kids.” -Andy Richter

2. “You know what it’s like having a fourth kid? Imagine you’re drowning, then someone hands you a baby.” -Jim Gaffigan

3. “A father carries pictures where his money used to be.” -Steve Martin

4. “Having children is like living in a frat house – nobody sleeps, everything’s broken, and there’s a lot of throwing up.” -Ray Romano

5. “In the ‘looks of disappointment’ department, my cat has picked up where my father left off.” -Tom Papa

6. “I think every kid thinks their dad is goofy. Even Johnny Depp’s kid must be like, “Oh my god, my dad with those freakin’ scarves. This isn’t a pirate ship; it’s a Costco, dad.” -Judd Apatow

7. “I have a friend who has no kids but he has tattoos, and he talks about them like they are his kids. He says things like, ‘This is my oldest—it’s my favorite. This one was a result of a long night of drinking. This one came out darker than I expected.’ And so on.” -Keith Alberstadt

8. “My daughter got me a ‘World’s Best Dad’ mug. So we know she’s sarcastic.” -Bob Odenkirk

9. “You don’t need drugs when you have a [baby]. You’re awake, you’re paranoid, you smell bad… it’s the same thing.” -Robin Williams

10. “On our 6 a.m. walk, my daughter asked where the moon goes each morning. I let her know it’s in heaven visiting daddy’s freedom.” -Ryan Reynolds

11. “There should be a children’s song: ‘If you’re happy and you know it, keep it to yourself and let dad sleep.’” -Jim Gaffigan

12. “My daughter said, ‘Why are you yelling at us?’ and I said, ‘I’m trying to discipline you!’ And then she looked up at me with her tear-stained eyes and said, ‘This is how you teach children, by making them cry.’ And it was such a clenching reminder — she won not only the argument, but she won life with that statement. I just burst out laughing, and I think they were so surprised that I burst out laughing, that they did too.” -Stephen Colbert

13. “We see a McDonald’s. We got so excited. We started chanting, ‘McDonald’s, McDonald’s, McDonald’s!’ And my dad pulled into the drive thru and we started cheering. And then, he ordered one black coffee for himself… and kept driving. My dad is cold-blooded.” -John Mulaney

14. “When I was eight years old, I was called into the principal’s office and my father was looking very solemn. And he said, ‘We gotta go, it’s Grandma.’ We got in the car and I said, ‘What’s wrong with Grandma?’ And he said, ‘Nothing, we’re going to the movies.’” -Sam Rockwell

15. “You can tell what was the best year of your father’s life, because they seem to freeze that clothing style and ride it out.” -Jerry Seinfeld

16. “When I was a boy of 14, my father was so ignorant, I could hardly stand to have the old man around. But when I got to be 21, I was astonished at how much the old man had learned in seven years.” -Mark Twain

17. “How come my 3-year-old son can remember every species and genus of dinosaur and I can’t even remember my own phone number?” -Taye Diggs

18. “When you got more than one kid, you just wake up angry.” -Kevin Hart

19. “I rescind my early statement, ‘I could never fall in love with a girl who regularly poops her pants.’ I hadn’t met my daughter yet.” -Dax Shephard

20. “I was told that I needed to check her temperature through the rectum. I was like, ‘No. Can’t be.’ There’s a mouth, there’s an armpit, there’s got to be something [else] … The doctor was like, ‘No, no, no, just have one of you guys distract her, and the other one do it. She’ll be fine’ … It all went well though. I didn’t lose it. It came back out.” -Ryan Reynolds

21. “My father had a profound influence on me. He was a lunatic.” -Spike Milligan

22. “The more boring a child is, the more the parents, when showing off the child, receive adulation for being good parents — because they have a tame child-creature in their house.” –Frank Zappa

23. “Kids are hilarious. They say the darndest things, but that’s just because they don’t know what they’re saying and that just makes much more funniness happen.” -Kenan Thompson

24. “I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.” -Rodney Dangerfield

25. “The worst part about being a parents is when one of your kids farts and you have to pretend it wasn’t cool.” -Rob Delaney

26. “I’m probably the most uncool guy that [my daughters] know—as far as they are concerned anyway—‘cause I’m Dad. I mean dads just aren’t cool—especially when I dance! They don’t want me to dance.” -Tim McGraw

27. “I would rather drink a piping hot bowl of liquid rabies than get on a plane with my two children. At 2 years old they just have to rip all their clothes off and introduce themselves to everyone on the plane, it’s just like, ‘Please can we land in a farmer’s field?’” -Ryan Reynolds

28. “Everybody thinks their dad’s jokes are corny.  I don’t get a free pass on that. In fact, [my daughter] said to me once, ‘Most of your stuff isn’t funny at all. But I’m always surprised you make it work.’ I thought that was a pretty sophisticated way of attacking me.” -Judd Apatow

29. “For fatherhood advice, try to look your child in the eye… get to know their name; that becomes important when you want something. And remember to feed them. That’s about all you need.” -Will Ferrell

30. “I feel like you don’t realize what it means to be a parent until you become a parent of your own. Then you feel this tremendous guilt and have this urge to apologize to your father. You just don’t realize what you’re doing to your parents in every aspect of life.” -Max Greenfield

31. “My daughter is going to be forced to go out into the ruins and be a slave to Thundra, The Spear Mistress and she’ll resent me the whole time. She’ll be like, ‘Oh, thanks a lot, Dad. What amazing life safety skills you taught me: Scooter riding and Blade Runner trivia? Thanks.’” -Patton Oswalt

32. “If you’re not yelling at your kids, you aren’t spending enough time with them.” -Mark Ruffalo

33. “When your wife is pregnant and you’re expecting, everyone is like, ‘It’s incredible. Get ready, it’s magic. It’s the most life-changing experience you’ll ever have. Brace yourself for heaven.’ And then the second the baby comes everyone is like, ‘WELCOME TO HELL.’” -Andy Samberg

34. “The older I get, the smarter my father seems to get.” -Tim Russert

35. “A 2-year-old is like having a blender, but you don’t have the top for it.” -Jerry Seinfeld

36. “When humans started to call me ‘Dad.’ That’s the word that gets me. Because you’re famous to a billion people, but only three people call you ‘Dad.’” -Dana Carvey

37. “I mean, everything can be a great moment as a dad, especially when I’m gone as much as I am. I work a lot so, man, those weekends at home with [my son] are the greatest. I took him on a zombie cruise last year which was fun. And all he wanted to do was get zombie makeup put on. And so he he looked in the mirror at the reflection and he fainted! We probably won’t do realistic zombie makeup again for a little while, but it was a heck of an experience and we still giggle about it.” -Jeffrey Dean Morgan

38. “It’s a very LSD-trip phase of my life. My daughter is obsessed with Peppa Pig. This is my life. There’s three women who voice the character of Peppa Pig. And she’s a pig. Hello? And I’m so deep down into that crevasse right now that I have opinions on which actress is the best Peppa.” -Alec Baldwin

39. “It is so embarrassing how I went from a person who did not care about anyone’s children. Then you have them, and you brag about the same stuff that you never cared about. And you tell people, ‘he’s got four teeth,’ like they care.” -Seth Meyers

40. “Kids are creepy. What happens if I wake up in the middle of the night, look over and my child is standing in the doorway? Do I run? Which direction do I run? Towards it? Away from it?” -Jordan Peele

41. “If anyone else [deprived you of this much sleep], you’d have them up at The Hague for war crimes.” -Tom Hardy

42. “I thought I’d never be that annoying person [who shares pictures of his kids], but as soon as Winnie was born, I was showing iPhone snaps to a cab driver.” -Jimmy Fallon

43. “You have to be adaptable because they consistently keep changing. They’ll do something that blows your mind and then they’ll spit all their food on the carpet.” -Neil Patrick Harris

44. “My daughter, Hannah, my 7-year-old, lost her first tooth and the tooth fairy came. And then the next day we were taking a video, ‘Hey Hannah, the tooth fairy came, oh my gosh,’ and our 4-year-old—I panned down to her, ‘Hey Harper, the tooth fairy came!’ And she goes, ‘Someone was in our house?’ And I go, ‘The tooth fairy was in our house,’ and she’s like, ‘Someone was in my room? While I was sleeping? And you guys are cool with this.’” -Bill Hader

45. “He’s looking for danger at all times. We’re just trying to keep him alive.” -Jason Sudeikis

46. “There’s no real class. They don’t check to make sure you’re prepared. I had to go through more training to drive the car home [from the hospital] than I did to have a baby for the rest of my life.” -Colin Hanks

47. “Never raise your hand to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.” -Red Buttons

48. “He tells me to park around the corner, and then he gets out and he walks to school. So he did it to me the other day, after doing it about five times on the trot. So I’m driving around, and he’s just walking in his school, and I open the window said, ‘Brooklyn! I love you!’ And, you know, obviously it didn’t go down very well.” -David Beckham

49. “The doctor asked about a name and I don’t know why I said it [but] I looked at the doctor and I said, ‘We’re going to call her Beyoncé.’ My wife did not think that was funny. Then a nurse went to the other side of the room and started filling out a form with the name Beyoncé and I had to go over to her and go, ‘Uh, excuse me, there is only one Beyoncé.’” -James Cordon

50. “Everybody usually wants to be famous so they can rock nice jewelry and all that. Man, I already got a macaroni necklace. I got valuable shit.” -Dave Chappell

51. “12 weeks old: when your kid is young enough to fall asleep on your chest yet long enough to kick you in the nuts at the same time.” -Lin-Manuel Miranda

52. “Booking plane tickets for a family trip is a fun little test to see if I still remember all my kids’ birthdays and genders.” -Ken Jennings

53. “I do like a proper hug and snuggle but it’s tough getting it from the kids. You can get it when they first wake up and they’re disoriented; then it’s a possibility. But other than that, they’re always moving, they’re dipping, they’re slipping, they’re embarrassed, and running away.” -Mark Wahlberg

54. “My wife and I don’t understand couples where the woman is pregnant and they don’t want to know the sex of the baby. ‘Oh, we want it to be a surprise.’ It’s a surprise when they show you the ultrasound! I mean you have caller ID but don’t want to know what’s popping out of your vagina?” -Andrew Ginsburg

55. “Raising kids is part joy and part guerilla warfare.” -Ed Asner

56. “Men should always change diapers. It’s mentally cleansing. It’s like washing dishes, but imagine if the dishes were your kids, so you really love the dishes.” -Chris Martin

57. “I would define the new aspects of fatherhood like this: It is 75% amazing and 25% demoralizing. I think any new parent can understand exactly what I’m talking about.” -Daniel Bryan

58. “My daddy? He was somewhere between God and John Wayne.” -Hank Williams, Jr.

59. “Having one child makes you a parent. Having two kids makes you a referee.” -David Frost

60. “You can’t spell ‘parentry’ without ‘try.’ Of course, you’ll make a few mistakes. The important thing is that the mistakes you make with your kids are the same ones your parents made with you. At least you know how those turn out.” -Stephen Colbert

61. “Being a parent involves an unnecessary amount of fake enthusiasm around little kids’ poo being in a toilet.” -Jim Gaffigan

62. “A baby crying is a weird thing. During the daytime you can listen to it and think that it’s endearing and cute. At 3 a.m. it’s like having the inside of your skull sandpapered by an angry viking.” -Matt Coyne

63. “A child enters your home and for the next twenty years makes so much noise you can hardly stand it. The child departs, leaving the house so silent you think you are going mad.” -John Andrew Holmes

64. “A child, like your stomach, doesn’t need all you can afford to give it.” -Frank A. Clark

65. “I used to say to [Blake], ‘I would take a bullet for you.’ And the second I looked into that baby’s eyes, I knew in that exact moment that if we were ever under attack, I would use my wife as a human shield to protect that baby.” -Ryan Reynolds

66. “When you’re young you think your dad is Superman. Then you grow up, and you realize he’s just a regular guy who wears a cape.” -Dave Attell

67. “Dad always thought laughter was the best medicine, which I guess is why several of us died of tuberculosis.” -Jack Handey

68. “I don’t have a kid, but I think that I would be a good father. Especially if my baby liked to go out drinking.” -Eugene Mirman

69. “When I was a kid, I said to my father one afternoon, ‘Daddy, will you take me to the zoo?’ He answered, “If the zoo wants you, let them come and get you.” -Jerry Lewis

70. “My dad used to say, ‘Always fight fire with fire.’ Which is probably why he got thrown out of the fire brigade.” -Harry Hill

71. “Whenever one of my children says, ‘Goodnight, Daddy,’ I always think to myself, ‘You don’t mean that.’” -Jim Gaffigan

72. “Sometimes I am amazed that my wife and I created two human beings from scratch yet struggle to assemble the most basic of IKEA cabinets.” -Greg Kinnear

73. “Fatherhood is great because you can ruin someone from scratch.” -Jon Stewart

74. “Just taught my kids about taxes by eating 38% of their ice cream.” -Conan O’Brien

75. “My dad always tries to get me to fix his computer when I’m home. He’s like, ‘You’re really good at computers, you should be a computer programmer.’ I’m like, ‘You’re so bad at computers, you should be a caveman.’” -Mike Birbiglia

Be sure to check out our other list of heartwarming quotes about dads and being a father.

Father Figures: Not For Riches

“Recently, Disney movies have been getting under my skin. Partially because I have a daughter that just turned four years of age and she’s always looking to emulate them.

She loves to play dress-up and put on her princess dresses, and she tells me that she wants to be a princess. She then proceeds to do her nails and put on make up and pretend that she is a princess waiting for her prince. Granted, not all of the stories form Disney are antiquated, more recent movies like Mulan and Brave show how a woman is capable of more than just sitting back and waiting for a prince to rescue her and provide her with riches.

This past week we celebrated her birthday and over the weekend we had a party with all of her family and friends. But on Monday night, I decided to take her out on a date (just she and I) and show her how a gentleman ought to act. I picked up flowers before coming home and I put on a suit and tie (like she always asks me to do). As we were walking out of the car and I go to open her door and sit her in her car seat, she told me, “Daddy, I want to get married!”

I was shocked to hear those words out of my little princess. I was caught off guard and my first response was to say, “Ok, baby.” I fastened her into her seat and walked around the car, but before I got in I took a moment to take a deep breath and think about how I wanted to respond. I got in the car and told her that she would make a beautiful bride – when she turns 45. I figured that would buy me time to address the bigger issue!

When we arrived at the restaurant (her favorite Italian place), she wanted to bring her flowers inside with her. We ordered her favorite meal (spaghetti with meatballs) and at the end of our dinner I surprised her with a dessert, complete with a candle and another rendition of ‘Happy Birthday!’ (Thanks to the waiter at Maggiano’s!)

It was then that I realized that if I do my job as her daddy – love, protect, encourage, and challenge her when appropriate – she would know what a gentleman should do. She would grow to be a strong and educated woman and when she does fall for her ‘Prince Charming’ it will be for love and not for the riches.”

– Manuel Carrera

Want to share a story about fatherhood? Email [email protected]

Check out the previous editions of Father Figures here.

Marvel’s Animated Comedy M.O.D.O.K. Coming to Hulu With Hilarious Cast

M.O.D.O.K. Coming to Hulu
(Marvel)

Over the next few years, there will be a ton of Marvel content coming to screens both big and small.

Most of it will be an explicit part of the Marvel Cinematic Universe, in the form of countless sequels to existing superhero franchises (Dr. Strange, Thor, Captain Marvel, etc.), origin stories for characters yet to have their own film (Black Widow), new franchises being launched (The Eternals, Shang-Chi). Much of it will be related to the MCU, via movie characters getting their own shows on Disney+ (Loki, Falcon and the Winter Soldier, WandaVision), and some of it will be one-off stuff, like, Disney+’s What If series and M.O.D.O.K., a newly-announced show to air on Hulu.

News of M.O.D.O.K (which stands for Mental Organism Designed Only for Killing) came fast and furious the other day when the cast began tweeting about their involvement. Their voice-only involvement, as M.O.D.O.K will be an animated series. And what a cast it is, full of comedic stars of various renown.

The cast includes stand-up comic Patton Oswalt, Parks and Rec star Ben Schwartz, Brooklyn 99 star Melissa Fumero, Veep star Sam Richardson, Wendi McLendon-Covery of The Goldbergs and Bridesmaids, Beck Bennett from SNL, and more. Oswalt leads the series as M.O.D.O.K, a Marvel supervillain hellbent on taking over the world but suddenly beset by familiar and career-based challenges, i.e., a midlife crisis.

Certainly, a different style of Marvel property than we’re used to seeing on screen, but one that sounds like it has a lot of fun potential, especially with that cast of comedy vets. Showrunner Jordan Blum is excited for the show, saying, “I’m blown away by our insanely talented and hilarious voice cast, who have all brought their specific kind of magic to this weird and wonderful corner of the Marvel Universe.”

Jean-Ralphio himself, Ben Schwartz, is equally amped about his role as M.O.D.O.K’s son who will be, hopefully, flush with cash.

The show is slated to air later this year on Hulu.

6-Yr-Old Raises $250k for Australian Bushfires Making Clay Koalas

Owen Colley raising money for Australian Bushfires
(GoFundMe)

While fires continue to burn in Australia, stories of those around the world trying to find ways to help have become commonplace on the evening news. After hearing the number of homes and lives impacted by the tragedy, Six-year-old Owen Colley was ready to help.

Owen’s father, Simon Colley, is Australian. While that was likely a strong motivation for Owen to want to lend a hand, his mother Caitlin says it was the animals that finally flipped the switch for her young son.

Upon finding out just how many different animals were impacted, Owen immediately wanted to join the fight. But how could a young boy living in Massachusetts help those still suffering halfway around the world?

Undeterred, Owen began crafting tiny koalas out of clay, offering family members their very own for making a donation to Wildlife Rescue South Coast, an organization on the ground in Australia. Word spread quickly, and soon Owen was offering anyone who made a $50 donation one of his tiny clay creations.

(GoFundMe)

News outlets picked up the story, and during an interview, his mother confessed they were blown away by the outpouring of support after raising over $1200. With the newly received publicity, the family raised his goal to $5,000. After seeing Owen and his koalas on affiliates across the nation in the video below, you can probably guess what happened next.

As of today, Owen’s GoFundMe page has raised a whopping $264,848. That’s quite a few koalas, but fortunately many donated just to help with the cause. His parents posting an update:

“Thank you ALL for helping a little boy do a BIG thing – Owen wishes he could send a clay koala to everyone in the world! We are so proud of this little boy and his kind heart.”

Owen reminding us all that one person can truly make a difference, and that people absolutely love tiny koalas.

Dad’s Post on Work-Life Balance a Reminder to All Parents

Daniel Maloney's post on work-life balance
(LinkedIn/Daniel Maloney)

As a parent, finding the perfect work-life balance can often seem impossible. Worse, it’s typically only after we miss out on one of our kid’s special moments that this truly hits home.

This was the case for father Daniel Maloney who recently shared a post on LinkedIn that has since made its way around the web. In it, the marketing professional shares a lesson you’d typically expect to find on Facebook and not a site focused on business. However, it’s business that almost made the successful CEO overlook a simple but important meeting that would forever change his perspective.

Maloney has held positions at top tech companies like Google and AOL, but a recent epiphany has proven much more valuable than many of the things he learned along the way. It’s about that work-life balance and how as dads, we can often overlook simple opportunities to truly connect with our kids. Something as simple as reading a book.

“My daughter’s pre-K class has ‘Chapter time’ where parents can read to the class for 20-30 minutes as they settle in for their nap. My wife went a couple times already this school year, but I never thought to sign-up,” Maloney shared. It’s a common occurrence for many dads who still see themselves in the roles their own fathers occupied — often putting work before all else.

It wasn’t until his daughter entered an “I don’t want to go to school” phase that Maloney decided to take action. “I signed up to see if I could help turn that ship around.” When the day arrived, Maloney was shocked by the reaction — both from his daughter as well as the entire class. “When I walked in, the teacher who introduced me made a point of emphasizing: ‘Kate’s DAD is here to read to us.’ The kids looked stunned,” adding “My daughter put her mat right up front and had a huge smile on her face the whole time.”

Turns out not many dads come in for storytime. “I just looked at the signup sheet for the month. 17 moms so far; no other dads,” Maloney shared. “I’m sad/ashamed that I didn’t get involved sooner, but will definitely sign up again. It was a great experience.”

Several other parents, many CEOs themselves, chimed in with their own experiences, applauding Maloney and anyone else who’s able to find ways to be as present as possible.

(LinkedIn)
(LinkedIn)
(LinkedIn)

Maloney ending his post with an important mantra for all parents to remember:
“Work will be there when I get back to the office.”

Fans Excited at News of National Treasure 3

National Treasure 3
(Disney)

There are a lot of sequels coming down the pike.

The Skywalker Saga may have ended, but we still have all the Marvel flicks (Black Panther 2, Captain Marvel 2, Dr. Strange 2, Thor 4, Guardians 3, etc., etc.), another Fast and Furious coming along, the next Wonder Woman, Venom 2, the new Bond comes out in April. The list never ends. Even Bad Boys is rumored to be getting a fourth entry after the third movie’s recent success.

Plus, there are surely movies out there that many of us wish would have sequels but never will, like Back to the Future 4 (sorry, Christopher Lloyd) and Goonies (let it go, people).

And then there are the sequels no one asked for. Like National Treasure 3.

Look, I’m not bashing the National Treasure movies, which are like Indiana Jones crossed with Dan Brown, only somehow more stupid and with Nicholas Cage. My 9-year-old loves those movies. And who isn’t a sucker for a treasure hunt, complete with booby traps and puzzles and Jon Voight? But you can’t tell me you aren’t surprised to hear that a third movie is in the works.

Well, surprised or not, it’s coming, at least according to The Hollywood Reporter, which was actually breaking the news of the aforementioned Bad Boys 4 when they also let slip that Chris Bremner, the writer of Bad Boys for Life and it’s just announced sequel is also under contract to write the next National Treasure flick for Disney.

Benjamin Gates will be back, despite director Jon Turtletaub’s previous lamentations that Disney wasn’t willing to pony up the $80 million needed to get a third movie off the ground, despite everyone’s desire to do it.

“It’s a no,” Turteltaub had told ComicBook.com. “I would love there to be. Nic is like, in wardrobe right now. Jerry Bruckheimer is ready to go. We would love to.”

Apparently, Disney+ is raking in the bucks, because Disney changed their tune. There are literally no details about the movie beyond Bremner’s involvement, and it’s eventual appearance at a multiplex – or a streaming service – near you is far from assured. But that didn’t stop fans from losing their minds with excitement online.

Where do you stand?

Mr. Peanut Dies, Gets Roasted on Twitter

RIP Mr. Peanut
(YouTube/The Estate of Mr. Peanut)

Planters announced tragic news this week when they revealed Mr. Peanut has passed away. It’s the end of everyone’s favorite peanut-based mascot, at least when considering those who wear a top hat and monocle.

The company revealed Mr. Peanut died in an attempt to save his friends Wesley Snipes and Matt Walsh in the aftermath of a terrible car accident. This is all part of an upcoming Super Bowl commercial, so just go along with it, OK?

“It’s with heavy hearts that we confirm Mr. Peanut has passed away at 104 years old,” a Planters brand manager at Kraft Heinz said in a statement. “He will be remembered as the legume who always brought people together for nutty adventures and a good time.”

We can all choose how we want to remember him. For those with terrifying peanut allergies, they probably remember him as a harbinger of danger, a sign of their mortality and the fleeting nature of life. They are probably celebrating this day with an abundance of joy. Others may be confused, and I’m sure someone somewhere will be sad about the loss of this icon (?).

If you need time to mourn, Planters has a third-quarter Super Bowl commercial featuring his funeral. The company says this will all make more sense after we have a chance to process it.

The internet is not a place that waits to withhold judgment.


No everyone was quick to crack jokes – a few other brands paid their respects.

I guess we should stay tuned, but one thing I think we can all agree on: Mr. Peanut should’ve been the one to sacrifice himself if anyone had to go. This entire car accident was his fault. Wesley Snipes and Matt Walsh were enjoying a fun trip when the driver just freaked out and plunged them over the cliff.

Was Mr. Peanut under the influence? Let’s hope a full investigation is conducted and justice is served for all affected.

Was the Original ‘Duel of the Fates’ Script For Star Was IX Better Than ROS?

Star Was IX Duel of the Fates
(YouTube/THE BURNETTWORK)

It’s probably safe to say that if you haven’t seen The Rise of Skywalker by now, you’re not exactly clamoring to. Maybe you don’t care about spoilers, maybe you’re not a big Star Wars fan, maybe you just heard it stinks and would rather wait for it to it Disney+.

Regardless of your reasons, if you do care about spoilers, turn back now. Because while we’re here to talk about a version of TROS that doesn’t exist, we can’t do that without talking about the one that does. And yes, to many people, that one sort of stinks.

The controversy surrounding the production of a Star Wars film isn’t exactly new. Rogue One was largely reshot, Solo ditched directors midway through, etc. Similarly, the divisiveness of Star Wars movies isn’t new. For every person who loves the Ewoks and hates midichlorians, there are two that feel the opposite way. For all the people that love The Last Jedi, there’s a petition asking it to be stricken from the record.

The Rise of Skywalker has been plagued by both issues. The original writer/director, Jurassic World’s Colin Trevorrow, was dumped before filming began and replaced with JJ Abrams, and the movie hasn’t been met with the same acclaim, or booming box office, the studio surely anticipated for the final film in the Skywalker Saga.

But it turns out things could have been different. At least, according to an early version of the script, a review of which originally appeared on YouTube and was soon followed by a breakdown on Reddit. Shortly thereafter, the AV Club verified that the script was indeed Trevorrow’s draft that was jettisoned when he was booted off the flick. (The script was written before Carrie Fisher’s death, so there’s no telling how much that would have impacted its storylines.)

Robert Meyer Burnett reviews an early draft of Star Wars’ 9th episode entitled DUEL OF THE FATES from r/StarWarsLeaks

There are many significant changes, starting with the title, Duel of the Fates (fans may remember that this is the name of the song that scores the Darth Maul fight at the end of Phantom Menace). Rose, The Last Jedi’s most polarizing character, has a bigger role, again teaming up with Finn, this time to light a beacon to restore communications the First Order has cut off to stunt the Resistance’s… resistance. Poe and Chewy accompany Rey on a mission to a distant planet, where she wrestles with her, and the Jedi’s, future, while Kylo Ren is tortured by Luke’s force ghost while on the hunt for an evil Holocron.

As for the Emperor? In what is perhaps the biggest difference between the two movies, the original Big Bad does show up, but only as a hologram who tells Kylo to seek out his old master, an enormous “Lovecraftian” monster who trains Kylo and further seals his fate as a Sith, despite Luke, Leia’s and Rey’s attempts to redeem him.

There are a lot more differences – from other Jedis actually appearing as force ghosts rather than just in voice-over, the reveal that Kylo had killed Rey’s parents on Snope’s orders, etc. – and whether they’re better than the movie they made is in the eye of the beholder.

At the very least, the Reddit breakdown makes for an interesting read – at the very least, the opening crawl is better – and adds fuel to the fire to any fans who want to start another petition.

A Non-Verbal Boy With Autism Found His Voice Thanks to Iron Man Mask

Boy With Autism Helped by Iron Man Mask
(YouTube/Ellen)

Autism isn’t one thing, instead, it’s a spectrum with many different characteristics found in those impacted. Often impeding communication and social skills, it can make otherwise simple interactions nearly impossible. For some, being completely non-verbal is a reality they and their loved ones deal with every day.

So was the case for 6-year-old Vincent Arambula and his family. That is until an unexpected miracle came into their lives in the form of a real-life Marvel superhero. His parents purchased an official Iron Man helmet as a present, but they never imaged that they’d all be receiving a much greater gift in the end. That’s because after not speaking a word, after putting on the helmet, Vincent’s dad Andy said his son “was a different child.”

The family shared their story on a special Episode of Ellen in which Robert Downey Jr. was guest hosting. “The mask grounded him and allowed him to feel confident,” his dad told Downey. Vincent, now 10-years-old, said of not being able to express himself “it was painful.” But everything changed with that simple gift. “I got an Iron Man helmet and it helped me talk and imagination play,” Vincent proudly shared. “It helped me talk and it helped me hide my identity from the world.”

Downey was moved by the story, telling viewers the thing he’ll miss most about playing Iron Man is “being able to talk to moms and dads and young folks and see how this had a positive impact,” adding “it just makes all these last years of working on it worthwhile.”

Stories like Vincent’s are an inspiration as well as a reminder that real-life superheroes are all around us in the form of doctors and researchers working each and every day to understand more about Autism, hopefully allowing more kids to find their voice in the years to come.

Watch the full clip below:

Move Over Pineapple, Kiwi Is Here to Polarize Pizza Lovers

Kiwi on Pizza
(reddit/nre1313)

I’m not here to cast aspersions on anyone or to throw stones or to question your judgment. That said: if you put pineapple on your pizza yes you deserve to die and I hope you burn in hell!

I kid, I kid. I’ve actually done the Hawaiian pizza thing once or twice, not by choice, obviously – I’m not a monster! – and it was surprisingly okay. I would never do it again in a million years but I suppose I can see the appeal. But that’s as far as I’m willing to go. Truth be told, I don’t like to mix fruit and meat, so take your Hawaiian pizza and your prosciutto-wrapped melon and get out of my face!

Clearly, not everyone agrees, as not only does pineapple on pizza have its supporters, there’s a new game in town, one that laughs in the face of your pineapple and ups the ante in ways most normal people couldn’t even imagine.

A user took to Reddit to share the pizza he’d ordered from a Danish restaurant, and if you thought pineapple pizza is an abomination, wait til you get a load of this bright green disaster.

Kiwi pizza from a Danish pizzeria, an unholy abomination from r/shittyfoodporn

That’s right, it’s a Kiwi pizza! And it looks exactly the way your vomit will look after you eat it!

There’s something incongruous about a Scandinavian country like Denmark, a region of white snow and blonde hair, concocting a pizza pie so bizarre and bright and, presumably, disgusting! It’s like someone googled “pizza” and only got as far as “round,” “cheesy,” and “toppings” and decided to throw caution to the wind and throw whatever TF they wanted on there.

In fact, according to LadBible, Scandinavia has a reputation for going way off the beaten path with their pizza toppings. Click this link at your own risk.

They were so preoccupied with whether or not they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should.

The comments underneath the Reddit post are a mixture of, “eh, I’ll try it,” and “WHAT IS LIFE!?!” At least one brave user is wide-open to the idea of a Kiwi-topped pizza, having explored many fruity pizzas before.

“A pizzaria in my hometown had some really unique toppings including apples and oranges. It sounds really gross, but apples, oranges, and pepperoni was straight up one of the best pizzas I ever had. I’d give this weird fruit pizza a go.”

To which a less insane Redditor replied: “So, you’re a monster.”

So the debate over fruit-topped pizza rages on, and suddenly pineapple has some competition. Where do you stand?