75 Hilarious Quotes About Dads and Being a Father

75 Hilarious Quotes About Dads and Being a Father
(Getty/Barry Brecheisen/Stringer)

All fathers have stories about something funny, absurd or absolutely insane their kids have done. It’s nice to have the occasional reminder that we’re not alone in this. All of the things so crazy you think no one else could possibly be dealing with, we’re ALL facing! So we’ve compiled a collection of funny thoughts and stories from some of our favorite famous dads.

1. “I would say that the hardest thing about being a parent is these goddamned kids.” -Andy Richter

2. “You know what it’s like having a fourth kid? Imagine you’re drowning, then someone hands you a baby.” -Jim Gaffigan

3. “A father carries pictures where his money used to be.” -Steve Martin

4. “Having children is like living in a frat house – nobody sleeps, everything’s broken, and there’s a lot of throwing up.” -Ray Romano

5. “In the ‘looks of disappointment’ department, my cat has picked up where my father left off.” -Tom Papa

6. “I think every kid thinks their dad is goofy. Even Johnny Depp’s kid must be like, “Oh my god, my dad with those freakin’ scarves. This isn’t a pirate ship; it’s a Costco, dad.” -Judd Apatow

7. “I have a friend who has no kids but he has tattoos, and he talks about them like they are his kids. He says things like, ‘This is my oldest—it’s my favorite. This one was a result of a long night of drinking. This one came out darker than I expected.’ And so on.” -Keith Alberstadt

8. “My daughter got me a ‘World’s Best Dad’ mug. So we know she’s sarcastic.” -Bob Odenkirk

9. “You don’t need drugs when you have a [baby]. You’re awake, you’re paranoid, you smell bad… it’s the same thing.” -Robin Williams

10. “On our 6 a.m. walk, my daughter asked where the moon goes each morning. I let her know it’s in heaven visiting daddy’s freedom.” -Ryan Reynolds

11. “There should be a children’s song: ‘If you’re happy and you know it, keep it to yourself and let dad sleep.’” -Jim Gaffigan

12. “My daughter said, ‘Why are you yelling at us?’ and I said, ‘I’m trying to discipline you!’ And then she looked up at me with her tear-stained eyes and said, ‘This is how you teach children, by making them cry.’ And it was such a clenching reminder — she won not only the argument, but she won life with that statement. I just burst out laughing, and I think they were so surprised that I burst out laughing, that they did too.” -Stephen Colbert

13. “We see a McDonald’s. We got so excited. We started chanting, ‘McDonald’s, McDonald’s, McDonald’s!’ And my dad pulled into the drive thru and we started cheering. And then, he ordered one black coffee for himself… and kept driving. My dad is cold-blooded.” -John Mulaney

14. “When I was eight years old, I was called into the principal’s office and my father was looking very solemn. And he said, ‘We gotta go, it’s Grandma.’ We got in the car and I said, ‘What’s wrong with Grandma?’ And he said, ‘Nothing, we’re going to the movies.’” -Sam Rockwell

15. “You can tell what was the best year of your father’s life, because they seem to freeze that clothing style and ride it out.” -Jerry Seinfeld

16. “When I was a boy of 14, my father was so ignorant, I could hardly stand to have the old man around. But when I got to be 21, I was astonished at how much the old man had learned in seven years.” -Mark Twain

17. “How come my 3-year-old son can remember every species and genus of dinosaur and I can’t even remember my own phone number?” -Taye Diggs

18. “When you got more than one kid, you just wake up angry.” -Kevin Hart

19. “I rescind my early statement, ‘I could never fall in love with a girl who regularly poops her pants.’ I hadn’t met my daughter yet.” -Dax Shephard

20. “I was told that I needed to check her temperature through the rectum. I was like, ‘No. Can’t be.’ There’s a mouth, there’s an armpit, there’s got to be something [else] … The doctor was like, ‘No, no, no, just have one of you guys distract her, and the other one do it. She’ll be fine’ … It all went well though. I didn’t lose it. It came back out.” -Ryan Reynolds

21. “My father had a profound influence on me. He was a lunatic.” -Spike Milligan

22. “The more boring a child is, the more the parents, when showing off the child, receive adulation for being good parents — because they have a tame child-creature in their house.” –Frank Zappa

23. “Kids are hilarious. They say the darndest things, but that’s just because they don’t know what they’re saying and that just makes much more funniness happen.” -Kenan Thompson

24. “I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.” -Rodney Dangerfield

25. “The worst part about being a parents is when one of your kids farts and you have to pretend it wasn’t cool.” -Rob Delaney

26. “I’m probably the most uncool guy that [my daughters] know—as far as they are concerned anyway—‘cause I’m Dad. I mean dads just aren’t cool—especially when I dance! They don’t want me to dance.” -Tim McGraw

27. “I would rather drink a piping hot bowl of liquid rabies than get on a plane with my two children. At 2 years old they just have to rip all their clothes off and introduce themselves to everyone on the plane, it’s just like, ‘Please can we land in a farmer’s field?’” -Ryan Reynolds

28. “Everybody thinks their dad’s jokes are corny.  I don’t get a free pass on that. In fact, [my daughter] said to me once, ‘Most of your stuff isn’t funny at all. But I’m always surprised you make it work.’ I thought that was a pretty sophisticated way of attacking me.” -Judd Apatow

29. “For fatherhood advice, try to look your child in the eye… get to know their name; that becomes important when you want something. And remember to feed them. That’s about all you need.” -Will Ferrell

30. “I feel like you don’t realize what it means to be a parent until you become a parent of your own. Then you feel this tremendous guilt and have this urge to apologize to your father. You just don’t realize what you’re doing to your parents in every aspect of life.” -Max Greenfield

31. “My daughter is going to be forced to go out into the ruins and be a slave to Thundra, The Spear Mistress and she’ll resent me the whole time. She’ll be like, ‘Oh, thanks a lot, Dad. What amazing life safety skills you taught me: Scooter riding and Blade Runner trivia? Thanks.’” -Patton Oswalt

32. “If you’re not yelling at your kids, you aren’t spending enough time with them.” -Mark Ruffalo

33. “When your wife is pregnant and you’re expecting, everyone is like, ‘It’s incredible. Get ready, it’s magic. It’s the most life-changing experience you’ll ever have. Brace yourself for heaven.’ And then the second the baby comes everyone is like, ‘WELCOME TO HELL.’” -Andy Samberg

34. “The older I get, the smarter my father seems to get.” -Tim Russert

35. “A 2-year-old is like having a blender, but you don’t have the top for it.” -Jerry Seinfeld

36. “When humans started to call me ‘Dad.’ That’s the word that gets me. Because you’re famous to a billion people, but only three people call you ‘Dad.’” -Dana Carvey

37. “I mean, everything can be a great moment as a dad, especially when I’m gone as much as I am. I work a lot so, man, those weekends at home with [my son] are the greatest. I took him on a zombie cruise last year which was fun. And all he wanted to do was get zombie makeup put on. And so he he looked in the mirror at the reflection and he fainted! We probably won’t do realistic zombie makeup again for a little while, but it was a heck of an experience and we still giggle about it.” -Jeffrey Dean Morgan

38. “It’s a very LSD-trip phase of my life. My daughter is obsessed with Peppa Pig. This is my life. There’s three women who voice the character of Peppa Pig. And she’s a pig. Hello? And I’m so deep down into that crevasse right now that I have opinions on which actress is the best Peppa.” -Alec Baldwin

39. “It is so embarrassing how I went from a person who did not care about anyone’s children. Then you have them, and you brag about the same stuff that you never cared about. And you tell people, ‘he’s got four teeth,’ like they care.” -Seth Meyers

40. “Kids are creepy. What happens if I wake up in the middle of the night, look over and my child is standing in the doorway? Do I run? Which direction do I run? Towards it? Away from it?” -Jordan Peele

41. “If anyone else [deprived you of this much sleep], you’d have them up at The Hague for war crimes.” -Tom Hardy

42. “I thought I’d never be that annoying person [who shares pictures of his kids], but as soon as Winnie was born, I was showing iPhone snaps to a cab driver.” -Jimmy Fallon

43. “You have to be adaptable because they consistently keep changing. They’ll do something that blows your mind and then they’ll spit all their food on the carpet.” -Neil Patrick Harris

44. “My daughter, Hannah, my 7-year-old, lost her first tooth and the tooth fairy came. And then the next day we were taking a video, ‘Hey Hannah, the tooth fairy came, oh my gosh,’ and our 4-year-old—I panned down to her, ‘Hey Harper, the tooth fairy came!’ And she goes, ‘Someone was in our house?’ And I go, ‘The tooth fairy was in our house,’ and she’s like, ‘Someone was in my room? While I was sleeping? And you guys are cool with this.’” -Bill Hader

45. “He’s looking for danger at all times. We’re just trying to keep him alive.” -Jason Sudeikis

46. “There’s no real class. They don’t check to make sure you’re prepared. I had to go through more training to drive the car home [from the hospital] than I did to have a baby for the rest of my life.” -Colin Hanks

47. “Never raise your hand to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.” -Red Buttons

48. “He tells me to park around the corner, and then he gets out and he walks to school. So he did it to me the other day, after doing it about five times on the trot. So I’m driving around, and he’s just walking in his school, and I open the window said, ‘Brooklyn! I love you!’ And, you know, obviously it didn’t go down very well.” -David Beckham

49. “The doctor asked about a name and I don’t know why I said it [but] I looked at the doctor and I said, ‘We’re going to call her Beyoncé.’ My wife did not think that was funny. Then a nurse went to the other side of the room and started filling out a form with the name Beyoncé and I had to go over to her and go, ‘Uh, excuse me, there is only one Beyoncé.’” -James Cordon

50. “Everybody usually wants to be famous so they can rock nice jewelry and all that. Man, I already got a macaroni necklace. I got valuable shit.” -Dave Chappell

51. “12 weeks old: when your kid is young enough to fall asleep on your chest yet long enough to kick you in the nuts at the same time.” -Lin-Manuel Miranda

52. “Booking plane tickets for a family trip is a fun little test to see if I still remember all my kids’ birthdays and genders.” -Ken Jennings

53. “I do like a proper hug and snuggle but it’s tough getting it from the kids. You can get it when they first wake up and they’re disoriented; then it’s a possibility. But other than that, they’re always moving, they’re dipping, they’re slipping, they’re embarrassed, and running away.” -Mark Wahlberg

54. “My wife and I don’t understand couples where the woman is pregnant and they don’t want to know the sex of the baby. ‘Oh, we want it to be a surprise.’ It’s a surprise when they show you the ultrasound! I mean you have caller ID but don’t want to know what’s popping out of your vagina?” -Andrew Ginsburg

55. “Raising kids is part joy and part guerilla warfare.” -Ed Asner

56. “Men should always change diapers. It’s mentally cleansing. It’s like washing dishes, but imagine if the dishes were your kids, so you really love the dishes.” -Chris Martin

57. “I would define the new aspects of fatherhood like this: It is 75% amazing and 25% demoralizing. I think any new parent can understand exactly what I’m talking about.” -Daniel Bryan

58. “My daddy? He was somewhere between God and John Wayne.” -Hank Williams, Jr.

59. “Having one child makes you a parent. Having two kids makes you a referee.” -David Frost

60. “You can’t spell ‘parentry’ without ‘try.’ Of course, you’ll make a few mistakes. The important thing is that the mistakes you make with your kids are the same ones your parents made with you. At least you know how those turn out.” -Stephen Colbert

61. “Being a parent involves an unnecessary amount of fake enthusiasm around little kids’ poo being in a toilet.” -Jim Gaffigan

62. “A baby crying is a weird thing. During the daytime you can listen to it and think that it’s endearing and cute. At 3 a.m. it’s like having the inside of your skull sandpapered by an angry viking.” -Matt Coyne

63. “A child enters your home and for the next twenty years makes so much noise you can hardly stand it. The child departs, leaving the house so silent you think you are going mad.” -John Andrew Holmes

64. “A child, like your stomach, doesn’t need all you can afford to give it.” -Frank A. Clark

65. “I used to say to [Blake], ‘I would take a bullet for you.’ And the second I looked into that baby’s eyes, I knew in that exact moment that if we were ever under attack, I would use my wife as a human shield to protect that baby.” -Ryan Reynolds

66. “When you’re young you think your dad is Superman. Then you grow up, and you realize he’s just a regular guy who wears a cape.” -Dave Attell

67. “Dad always thought laughter was the best medicine, which I guess is why several of us died of tuberculosis.” -Jack Handey

68. “I don’t have a kid, but I think that I would be a good father. Especially if my baby liked to go out drinking.” -Eugene Mirman

69. “When I was a kid, I said to my father one afternoon, ‘Daddy, will you take me to the zoo?’ He answered, “If the zoo wants you, let them come and get you.” -Jerry Lewis

70. “My dad used to say, ‘Always fight fire with fire.’ Which is probably why he got thrown out of the fire brigade.” -Harry Hill

71. “Whenever one of my children says, ‘Goodnight, Daddy,’ I always think to myself, ‘You don’t mean that.’” -Jim Gaffigan

72. “Sometimes I am amazed that my wife and I created two human beings from scratch yet struggle to assemble the most basic of IKEA cabinets.” -Greg Kinnear

73. “Fatherhood is great because you can ruin someone from scratch.” -Jon Stewart

74. “Just taught my kids about taxes by eating 38% of their ice cream.” -Conan O’Brien

75. “My dad always tries to get me to fix his computer when I’m home. He’s like, ‘You’re really good at computers, you should be a computer programmer.’ I’m like, ‘You’re so bad at computers, you should be a caveman.’” -Mike Birbiglia

Be sure to check out our other list of heartwarming quotes about dads and being a father.

Scientists Baffled By Toddler Who Woke At 4am, Refused Nap, “Seems to be growing more powerful”

(Getty/puhhha)

A 2-year-old in Cincinnati is defying everything we thought we knew about the science of sleep.

Despite waking for the day at 4am, she refused her afternoon nap and is now too wired to fall asleep at bedtime. Defying all laws of science, logic, God, and man, the child continues to refuse sleep. She has also been making noise nonstop for a record-breaking 16 hours.

“It doesn’t make any sense,” says leading sleep scientist Meredith Rischmann. “With the extremely early wake time and no nap, she should be MORE tired than usual, but it seems like she’s only getting more powerful. She’s in perpetual motion, working indefinitely without an energy source, and we can’t explain it.”

“I can barely keep my eyes open,” states her dad, “We’re getting desperate. There seems to be no end in sight.”

Scientists are unable to explain how the child has not passed out and refuses to settle down, despite being read 3 bedtime stories and given a drink of water. People from the community are rallying around the family, with one neighbor suggesting lavender essential oils, to little avail.

“We tried putting a drop of lavender oil on her pillow, and it’s almost like the nice smell had no effect on her at all!” says her dad.

In a shocking exclusive interview, the toddler in question was asked when she planned to sleep and she screamed, “NEVER!” The child then began levitating and glowing with blinding white heat in a state of pure, uncontrolled energy.

Her exhausted mother was unable to comment, as she had fallen asleep on the couch despite the extremely loud conditions.

This Just In…is The Dad Faking News. Despite being completely plausible to parents, it’s satire and intended for entertainment purposes only. For more stories like this one click here.

Retiring Pilot Ends Final Flight By Pinning His Wings On Toddler With Down Syndrome

(Joe Weis | American Airlines)

An American Airlines pilot retired earlier this month after more than three decades, and his final flight was one he will never forget. On his Miami-bound flight, Captain Joe Weis was in the cockpit for the final time, while his wife was in the cabin, making friends with a mother and young child.

The child was a 2-year-old boy with Down syndrome, and he was making the return journey of his very first plane trip. When Joe heard about the boy’s special trip happening on his final flight, he invited the boy into the cockpit (after landing, he’s not breaking any rules on his final flight) and pinned his official captain wings onto the toddler.

“It’s so amazing what he did. The whole thing was so cool,” the boy’s mother told the Orlando Sentinel on Friday.

The boy smiled, clapped and said “thank you” in sign language after Captain Joe pinned his wings on him. His mother said she still talks about the moment and Weis’ former employer, American Airlines, said in a statement they were touched by Captain Joe’s actions.

For his part, Weis said he would never forget it.

“Since it was my last flight, and his first, we wanted to make it special,” he wrote on Facebook.

 

 

Redditors Share The Daddest Things Their Dads Have Ever Done

(Wikimedia Commons | Reddit)
Has your dad cracked a dad joke during a Seger song? Maybe blocked the thermostat with a New Balance sneaker? These Redditors weigh in on the daddest things they’ve ever witnessed their dads do.

1. An alternative to turning this car around.

2. If you’re hungry, he’s Austria.

3. Roasted. Er, sorry, baked.

4. God bless servers for dealing with our dads…

5. …and cashiers…

6. …and imaginary telemarketers.

7. This one might take a second.

8. Father knows your hot dog cravings best.

9. Checkout lines are like open mic workshops for dads.

 

Check out the full list here. Tell us about the daddest thing you’ve ever seen (or done!) at [email protected]. Include a pic or a video and we may feature you so that the whole world can share in your cringe.

Doctor Delivers Baby While Dressed As The Joker

(JUSTIN SELPH)

Having a baby is a pretty scary thing. And that’s before you even consider the physical toll of going through labor! Adding a tiny, helpless creature to your life, one that you’re entirely responsible for on every conceivable level for at least the next two decades of your life is a pretty harrowing event.

It’s important that you have the support you need, both during and after pregnancy. A caring, helpful, knowledgeable doctor and healthcare team that you trust is paramount. Knowing you and your baby are in good hands is essential to managing stress and surviving labor and the first few weeks post-delivery.

A sense of humor helps too. Especially if you go into labor on Halloween.

That’s what happened to Brittany Selph, who had a due date of November 5th but didn’t quite make it. Instead, she found herself at the hospital, being assisted in her delivery by… The Joker?

Thankfully, it wasn’t the actual Batman villain but was her physician, Dr. Paul Locus, an obstetrician at the Henry County Medical Center in Paris, Tennessee who was fully decked out in Heath Ledger’s Joker look when he delivered Brittany’s daughter Oaklyn.

“My wife’s due date was Nov. 5, but that obviously didn’t happen. She woke up Halloween morning to her water leaking,” Brittany’s husband, Justin Selph, told PEOPLE. When they arrived at the hospital, they saw their doctor in costume as DC’s iconic supervillain. Luckily, they weren’t so serious.

Knowing full well it was a little odd, Dr. Locus was more than prepared to shed his costume and deliver the Selph’s baby in a more traditional outfit, but the couple was comfortable with him, and assured him it was fine. In fact, instead of being bothered, the couple was actually enthusiastic, and totally down to clown!

“We found it very humorous and a little excited that we would have a baby delivered by The Joker.”

The delivery went off without a hitch, and now the couple has one heck of a story, and some insane photos to go with it!

“There my wife is, staring the Joker straight in the eyes while delivering our baby, what a sight!” Justin says. “I was holding her leg up, and snapping pictures! I was going to go Facebook Live, but the nurse cut me off!”

“[Dr. Locus] was a great sport about the whole situation, and took photos with our family,” Justin adds. He even swung by the next day and delivered a congratulations card. He signed it, “Dr. Joker.”

Some men just want to cut the umbilical cord.

Pixar’s Onward Trailer Showcases a Sentimental and Strange New Tale

Pixar has tackled a lot of strange stuff over the years. Toys that come to life when humans aren’t looking. An elderly widower who attaches balloons to his house and flies to South America. Cars that talk.

Like Disney, the animation studio is also no stranger to sentiment and grief. The Toy Story toys are stricken by their owner’s increasing maturity. Nemo is infused with the fear and sadness of loss. The first ten minutes of UP are legendarily tear-jerking. Even Cars has… okay, maybe not Cars.

Onward, Pixar’s latest movie, features the voice talents of Star Lord and Spider-man themselves, and while it looks like a fun, and funny, supernatural romp, it also looks weird as hell and sad AF.

Before we even get to the weird stuff, there’s weird stuff. Chris Pratt and Tom Holland voice brothers who appear to be elves, or trolls, who live in the modern world? Or something? And there’s magic, but not as much as there used to be? It’s a little confusing. Then we learn that the boys’ dad passed when the brothers were too young to remember him, and on the youngest’s 16th birthday, they get a gift from him: his wizard staff. Because apparently he was a wizard. And he left a spell too, that allows his kids to resurrect him, but only for a day.

This is where the sentiment comes in, because if Tom Holland’s delivery of “I’m gonna meet dad?” is any indication, this movie is gonna be dusty.

The boys set off to use the spell to conjure up their dad, but something goes awry. And this is where the weird comes in: they only manage to resurrect his legs. I told you it was weird!

The trailer shows the brothers on a quest to conjure the rest of their dad as they encounter a whole world of magic that they never knew existed. It’s like Weekend at Bernie’s crossed with Harry Potter.

Here’s the synopsis:

Two teenage elf brothers, Ian and Barley Lightfoot, go on a journey to discover if there is still a little magic left out there in order to spend one last day with their father, who died when they were too young to remember him.

And here’s the trailer!

World-Class Violinist Volunteers to Play Music for Shelter Dogs

(ASPCA)

Just because man’s best friend can’t read music, doesn’t mean they don’t enjoy it.

Professional violinist Martin Agee has played in world-renowned concert halls during his career, from Carnegie Hall to the Sydney Opera House, but lately, he’s been spending his time entertaining an audience of the four-legged variety. Every few weeks, he brings his violin to American Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals’ Adoption Center in New York City and the effect it has on the dogs is incredible.

“The instant the bow hits the string, you get a reaction like, ‘What just happened?’ It’s stunning to see,” he told the TODAY show.

Agee started volunteering at the ASPCA more than two-and-a-half years ago as a way to cope after losing his greyhound rescue, Melody. In light of the joy Melody brought into Agee’s life, he signed on as an adoption coordinator at his local shelter.

During his time, he became more and more interested in the ASPCA’s storytelling program, where volunteers would sit down and read to dogs as a way to help calm and facilitate rehabilitation for animals who had been abused.

(ASPCA)

“I almost jokingly said to some people, ‘Well, maybe I’ll play my violin for the dogs when I’m there,’” he recalled. “Little did I realize that that would become a reality.”

The reaction to the music was immediate and amazing. Energetic dogs settle down in order to listen. Shy dogs dare to wander closer to the front of their enclosures to see. It’s almost as if it brings these animals to a calm equilibrium.

“It’s really incredible to watch the impact his music has on the dogs and how quickly they respond,” Kris Lindsay, senior director at the ASPCA, told TODAY.

(ASPCA)

The only hard part is that Agee gets attached to many of the dogs through his music, making it harder to say goodbye when they finally get adopted, but he knows that finding new, loving homes is always the primary goal.

“And maybe there will be music there as well,” he said with a smile.

Gordon Ramsay Admits He Fainted During Son’s Birth

(Instagram/gordongram)

Beloved chef and professional rage monster Gordon Ramsay is officially a father again. Welcoming his fifth child, Oscar, into the family, the fiery-tempered Masterchef host admitted that this one wasn’t just another trip to the hospital. Yes, this potty-mouthed bad boy of the culinary world finally met his match when the sight of his newborn son actually caused him to faint.

“Tana didn’t want to see me there for previous births, she said ‘I don’t want you to see me in this state so get out.’ This time around, I was there and I absolutely shit my pants. I fainted. I literally dropped on the floor,” Ramsay recalled on the Jonathan Ross Show.

“I was sat there and Oscar popped out through the sunroof and then they sort of throw you on him and he’s screaming and I fell back, the nurse grabbed me.”

For a man so accustomed to screaming, you wouldn’t think hearing it from an infant would affect him so strongly.

Even the soothing soundtrack of Ed Sheeren in the background wasn’t enough to keep Ramsay calm and conscious.

“I put Ed on to calm everybody. I put Ed on then I blacked out, I fainted like an idiot. Have you ever been in the [operating] theatre where there is so much commotion, so much going on? And then bang. I’ve never fainted in my life, by the way, that was the first time.

 

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The hardass chef then confessed that he simply doesn’t have what it takes to deliver babies (besides the obvious reasons): “It’s scary, it’s full on also they are experts [the doctors] and I’m a control freak so I was like ‘Get me the hell out of here, please.'”

Ramsay miraculously survived the daring experience of watching someone else give birth though, and he’s finally kicking back and relaxing with his new, terrifying bundle of joy.

“He is six months, it’s extraordinary, also for the rest of the kids it’s just a welcome bundle of joy. And boy, does that take you back!”

Congrats, Chef. Just try and leave the pants-shitting to him from now on. Okay, big guy?

Just in Time For Spooktober, Family Basement Fills With Blood

(YouTube/WHO-HD)

Owning a home is a milestone. For many, it’s a lifelong dream. The American dream, some might say. I don’t know own one myself, and while I sometimes dream of it, there are things that give me pause. The constant maintenance seems like a hassle, and I’ve seen friends deal with troublesome repairs and renovations. When I hear about that stuff, the benefits of having a landlord to handle it all seems better than ever.

And then I read a story like this one, and I’m never more excited to be able to move apartments at will. Because if this happened to my home, my instinct would be to burn it to the ground!

The funny thing is, the family in the story was already preparing to sell their home. I imagine this incident will merely accelerate their timeline. It’s not like anyone is itching to stay in a house that occasionally fills up with blood.

That’s right, Nick Lestina and his wife and five children live in Bagley, Iowa, and the other day they opened the door to their basement and saw that the room was filled with blood. Somehow they are not several states away, but have instead been the subject of dozens of news stories. If it bleeds it leads, especially during Halloween season!

Thankfully, the source of the blood isn’t a pair of elevators that go down to the basement, or anything else Stephen King related, but a meat processing company that is next door to the Lestiva’s home and shares some pipes with the family. They’ve lived next door for ten years and never had an incident, but this time something went awry.

Lestiva reported it immediately and Iowa’s Department of Natural Resources confirmed that it was indeed animal blood, fat, and bones, which Dahl’s Meat Locker had been pouring down a floor drain that’s connected to the family’s pipes. Unfortunately, the business has not exactly been cooperating with its neighbors.

“They haven’t reached out at all. In fact, they haven’t taken any accountability for it,” Lestina told KTIV. “They say it’s not their fault and told me ‘good luck.’ If I want to do anything about it, it’s on my dime and my schedule.”

Yikes. Talk about a horror movie. Probably easier to just burn the place to the ground!

Watch the footage below, if you can stomach it!

Father Figures: Could Not Be Happier

“My wife and I spent the first 2.5 years of our marriage assuming that when we were ready we would be able to get pregnant without issue.

When we first started trying, tests and attempts came back discouraging time and time again. Finally after months of trying we were pregnant. We went to the doctor and they confirmed our prayers had been answered. Shortly after our appointment, our excitement was crushed. We woke up in the middle of the night knowing something was wrong. We went to the ER and found out we were having an ectopic pregnancy and lost our precious baby.

A couple months after that we suffered a miscarriage as well. Feeling completely dejected and beaten down we started losing hope.

We then went to an amazing reproductive endocrinologist to help with our journey. Fast forward about a year later, Ford Michael Dietrich was born and we could not be more in love. Being a dad is the best thing ever and I could not be happier.”

– Mike Dietrich

Want to share a story about fatherhood? Email [email protected]

Check out the previous editions of Father Figures here.