75 Hilarious Quotes About Dads and Being a Father

75 Hilarious Quotes About Dads and Being a Father
(Getty/Barry Brecheisen/Stringer)

All fathers have stories about something funny, absurd or absolutely insane their kids have done. It’s nice to have the occasional reminder that we’re not alone in this. All of the things so crazy you think no one else could possibly be dealing with, we’re ALL facing! So we’ve compiled a collection of funny thoughts and stories from some of our favorite famous dads.

1. “I would say that the hardest thing about being a parent is these goddamned kids.” -Andy Richter

2. “You know what it’s like having a fourth kid? Imagine you’re drowning, then someone hands you a baby.” -Jim Gaffigan

3. “A father carries pictures where his money used to be.” -Steve Martin

4. “Having children is like living in a frat house – nobody sleeps, everything’s broken, and there’s a lot of throwing up.” -Ray Romano

5. “In the ‘looks of disappointment’ department, my cat has picked up where my father left off.” -Tom Papa

6. “I think every kid thinks their dad is goofy. Even Johnny Depp’s kid must be like, “Oh my god, my dad with those freakin’ scarves. This isn’t a pirate ship; it’s a Costco, dad.” -Judd Apatow

7. “I have a friend who has no kids but he has tattoos, and he talks about them like they are his kids. He says things like, ‘This is my oldest—it’s my favorite. This one was a result of a long night of drinking. This one came out darker than I expected.’ And so on.” -Keith Alberstadt

8. “My daughter got me a ‘World’s Best Dad’ mug. So we know she’s sarcastic.” -Bob Odenkirk

9. “You don’t need drugs when you have a [baby]. You’re awake, you’re paranoid, you smell bad… it’s the same thing.” -Robin Williams

10. “On our 6 a.m. walk, my daughter asked where the moon goes each morning. I let her know it’s in heaven visiting daddy’s freedom.” -Ryan Reynolds

11. “There should be a children’s song: ‘If you’re happy and you know it, keep it to yourself and let dad sleep.’” -Jim Gaffigan

12. “My daughter said, ‘Why are you yelling at us?’ and I said, ‘I’m trying to discipline you!’ And then she looked up at me with her tear-stained eyes and said, ‘This is how you teach children, by making them cry.’ And it was such a clenching reminder — she won not only the argument, but she won life with that statement. I just burst out laughing, and I think they were so surprised that I burst out laughing, that they did too.” -Stephen Colbert

13. “We see a McDonald’s. We got so excited. We started chanting, ‘McDonald’s, McDonald’s, McDonald’s!’ And my dad pulled into the drive thru and we started cheering. And then, he ordered one black coffee for himself… and kept driving. My dad is cold-blooded.” -John Mulaney

14. “When I was eight years old, I was called into the principal’s office and my father was looking very solemn. And he said, ‘We gotta go, it’s Grandma.’ We got in the car and I said, ‘What’s wrong with Grandma?’ And he said, ‘Nothing, we’re going to the movies.’” -Sam Rockwell

15. “You can tell what was the best year of your father’s life, because they seem to freeze that clothing style and ride it out.” -Jerry Seinfeld

16. “When I was a boy of 14, my father was so ignorant, I could hardly stand to have the old man around. But when I got to be 21, I was astonished at how much the old man had learned in seven years.” -Mark Twain

17. “How come my 3-year-old son can remember every species and genus of dinosaur and I can’t even remember my own phone number?” -Taye Diggs

18. “When you got more than one kid, you just wake up angry.” -Kevin Hart

19. “I rescind my early statement, ‘I could never fall in love with a girl who regularly poops her pants.’ I hadn’t met my daughter yet.” -Dax Shephard

20. “I was told that I needed to check her temperature through the rectum. I was like, ‘No. Can’t be.’ There’s a mouth, there’s an armpit, there’s got to be something [else] … The doctor was like, ‘No, no, no, just have one of you guys distract her, and the other one do it. She’ll be fine’ … It all went well though. I didn’t lose it. It came back out.” -Ryan Reynolds

21. “My father had a profound influence on me. He was a lunatic.” -Spike Milligan

22. “The more boring a child is, the more the parents, when showing off the child, receive adulation for being good parents — because they have a tame child-creature in their house.” –Frank Zappa

23. “Kids are hilarious. They say the darndest things, but that’s just because they don’t know what they’re saying and that just makes much more funniness happen.” -Kenan Thompson

24. “I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.” -Rodney Dangerfield

25. “The worst part about being a parents is when one of your kids farts and you have to pretend it wasn’t cool.” -Rob Delaney

26. “I’m probably the most uncool guy that [my daughters] know—as far as they are concerned anyway—‘cause I’m Dad. I mean dads just aren’t cool—especially when I dance! They don’t want me to dance.” -Tim McGraw

27. “I would rather drink a piping hot bowl of liquid rabies than get on a plane with my two children. At 2 years old they just have to rip all their clothes off and introduce themselves to everyone on the plane, it’s just like, ‘Please can we land in a farmer’s field?’” -Ryan Reynolds

28. “Everybody thinks their dad’s jokes are corny.  I don’t get a free pass on that. In fact, [my daughter] said to me once, ‘Most of your stuff isn’t funny at all. But I’m always surprised you make it work.’ I thought that was a pretty sophisticated way of attacking me.” -Judd Apatow

29. “For fatherhood advice, try to look your child in the eye… get to know their name; that becomes important when you want something. And remember to feed them. That’s about all you need.” -Will Ferrell

30. “I feel like you don’t realize what it means to be a parent until you become a parent of your own. Then you feel this tremendous guilt and have this urge to apologize to your father. You just don’t realize what you’re doing to your parents in every aspect of life.” -Max Greenfield

31. “My daughter is going to be forced to go out into the ruins and be a slave to Thundra, The Spear Mistress and she’ll resent me the whole time. She’ll be like, ‘Oh, thanks a lot, Dad. What amazing life safety skills you taught me: Scooter riding and Blade Runner trivia? Thanks.’” -Patton Oswalt

32. “If you’re not yelling at your kids, you aren’t spending enough time with them.” -Mark Ruffalo

33. “When your wife is pregnant and you’re expecting, everyone is like, ‘It’s incredible. Get ready, it’s magic. It’s the most life-changing experience you’ll ever have. Brace yourself for heaven.’ And then the second the baby comes everyone is like, ‘WELCOME TO HELL.’” -Andy Samberg

34. “The older I get, the smarter my father seems to get.” -Tim Russert

35. “A 2-year-old is like having a blender, but you don’t have the top for it.” -Jerry Seinfeld

36. “When humans started to call me ‘Dad.’ That’s the word that gets me. Because you’re famous to a billion people, but only three people call you ‘Dad.’” -Dana Carvey

37. “I mean, everything can be a great moment as a dad, especially when I’m gone as much as I am. I work a lot so, man, those weekends at home with [my son] are the greatest. I took him on a zombie cruise last year which was fun. And all he wanted to do was get zombie makeup put on. And so he he looked in the mirror at the reflection and he fainted! We probably won’t do realistic zombie makeup again for a little while, but it was a heck of an experience and we still giggle about it.” -Jeffrey Dean Morgan

38. “It’s a very LSD-trip phase of my life. My daughter is obsessed with Peppa Pig. This is my life. There’s three women who voice the character of Peppa Pig. And she’s a pig. Hello? And I’m so deep down into that crevasse right now that I have opinions on which actress is the best Peppa.” -Alec Baldwin

39. “It is so embarrassing how I went from a person who did not care about anyone’s children. Then you have them, and you brag about the same stuff that you never cared about. And you tell people, ‘he’s got four teeth,’ like they care.” -Seth Meyers

40. “Kids are creepy. What happens if I wake up in the middle of the night, look over and my child is standing in the doorway? Do I run? Which direction do I run? Towards it? Away from it?” -Jordan Peele

41. “If anyone else [deprived you of this much sleep], you’d have them up at The Hague for war crimes.” -Tom Hardy

42. “I thought I’d never be that annoying person [who shares pictures of his kids], but as soon as Winnie was born, I was showing iPhone snaps to a cab driver.” -Jimmy Fallon

43. “You have to be adaptable because they consistently keep changing. They’ll do something that blows your mind and then they’ll spit all their food on the carpet.” -Neil Patrick Harris

44. “My daughter, Hannah, my 7-year-old, lost her first tooth and the tooth fairy came. And then the next day we were taking a video, ‘Hey Hannah, the tooth fairy came, oh my gosh,’ and our 4-year-old—I panned down to her, ‘Hey Harper, the tooth fairy came!’ And she goes, ‘Someone was in our house?’ And I go, ‘The tooth fairy was in our house,’ and she’s like, ‘Someone was in my room? While I was sleeping? And you guys are cool with this.’” -Bill Hader

45. “He’s looking for danger at all times. We’re just trying to keep him alive.” -Jason Sudeikis

46. “There’s no real class. They don’t check to make sure you’re prepared. I had to go through more training to drive the car home [from the hospital] than I did to have a baby for the rest of my life.” -Colin Hanks

47. “Never raise your hand to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.” -Red Buttons

48. “He tells me to park around the corner, and then he gets out and he walks to school. So he did it to me the other day, after doing it about five times on the trot. So I’m driving around, and he’s just walking in his school, and I open the window said, ‘Brooklyn! I love you!’ And, you know, obviously it didn’t go down very well.” -David Beckham

49. “The doctor asked about a name and I don’t know why I said it [but] I looked at the doctor and I said, ‘We’re going to call her Beyoncé.’ My wife did not think that was funny. Then a nurse went to the other side of the room and started filling out a form with the name Beyoncé and I had to go over to her and go, ‘Uh, excuse me, there is only one Beyoncé.’” -James Cordon

50. “Everybody usually wants to be famous so they can rock nice jewelry and all that. Man, I already got a macaroni necklace. I got valuable shit.” -Dave Chappell

51. “12 weeks old: when your kid is young enough to fall asleep on your chest yet long enough to kick you in the nuts at the same time.” -Lin-Manuel Miranda

52. “Booking plane tickets for a family trip is a fun little test to see if I still remember all my kids’ birthdays and genders.” -Ken Jennings

53. “I do like a proper hug and snuggle but it’s tough getting it from the kids. You can get it when they first wake up and they’re disoriented; then it’s a possibility. But other than that, they’re always moving, they’re dipping, they’re slipping, they’re embarrassed, and running away.” -Mark Wahlberg

54. “My wife and I don’t understand couples where the woman is pregnant and they don’t want to know the sex of the baby. ‘Oh, we want it to be a surprise.’ It’s a surprise when they show you the ultrasound! I mean you have caller ID but don’t want to know what’s popping out of your vagina?” -Andrew Ginsburg

55. “Raising kids is part joy and part guerilla warfare.” -Ed Asner

56. “Men should always change diapers. It’s mentally cleansing. It’s like washing dishes, but imagine if the dishes were your kids, so you really love the dishes.” -Chris Martin

57. “I would define the new aspects of fatherhood like this: It is 75% amazing and 25% demoralizing. I think any new parent can understand exactly what I’m talking about.” -Daniel Bryan

58. “My daddy? He was somewhere between God and John Wayne.” -Hank Williams, Jr.

59. “Having one child makes you a parent. Having two kids makes you a referee.” -David Frost

60. “You can’t spell ‘parentry’ without ‘try.’ Of course, you’ll make a few mistakes. The important thing is that the mistakes you make with your kids are the same ones your parents made with you. At least you know how those turn out.” -Stephen Colbert

61. “Being a parent involves an unnecessary amount of fake enthusiasm around little kids’ poo being in a toilet.” -Jim Gaffigan

62. “A baby crying is a weird thing. During the daytime you can listen to it and think that it’s endearing and cute. At 3 a.m. it’s like having the inside of your skull sandpapered by an angry viking.” -Matt Coyne

63. “A child enters your home and for the next twenty years makes so much noise you can hardly stand it. The child departs, leaving the house so silent you think you are going mad.” -John Andrew Holmes

64. “A child, like your stomach, doesn’t need all you can afford to give it.” -Frank A. Clark

65. “I used to say to [Blake], ‘I would take a bullet for you.’ And the second I looked into that baby’s eyes, I knew in that exact moment that if we were ever under attack, I would use my wife as a human shield to protect that baby.” -Ryan Reynolds

66. “When you’re young you think your dad is Superman. Then you grow up, and you realize he’s just a regular guy who wears a cape.” -Dave Attell

67. “Dad always thought laughter was the best medicine, which I guess is why several of us died of tuberculosis.” -Jack Handey

68. “I don’t have a kid, but I think that I would be a good father. Especially if my baby liked to go out drinking.” -Eugene Mirman

69. “When I was a kid, I said to my father one afternoon, ‘Daddy, will you take me to the zoo?’ He answered, “If the zoo wants you, let them come and get you.” -Jerry Lewis

70. “My dad used to say, ‘Always fight fire with fire.’ Which is probably why he got thrown out of the fire brigade.” -Harry Hill

71. “Whenever one of my children says, ‘Goodnight, Daddy,’ I always think to myself, ‘You don’t mean that.’” -Jim Gaffigan

72. “Sometimes I am amazed that my wife and I created two human beings from scratch yet struggle to assemble the most basic of IKEA cabinets.” -Greg Kinnear

73. “Fatherhood is great because you can ruin someone from scratch.” -Jon Stewart

74. “Just taught my kids about taxes by eating 38% of their ice cream.” -Conan O’Brien

75. “My dad always tries to get me to fix his computer when I’m home. He’s like, ‘You’re really good at computers, you should be a computer programmer.’ I’m like, ‘You’re so bad at computers, you should be a caveman.’” -Mike Birbiglia

Be sure to check out our other list of heartwarming quotes about dads and being a father.

Rumored: Marvel Developing Wolverine Series For Disney+

Wolverine Series Disney+
(Marvel Comics)

The Marvel Cinematic Universe has been put on hold, at least until this summer, but the Marvel Televised Universe – or should it be the Marvel Streaming Universe? – is going strong on Disney+.

So far we’ve gotten WandaVision, are smack dab in the middle of Falcon and the Winter Soldier, and have Loki on deck – with a whole slew of other shows in development. Much of the excitement about these shows revolves around their connections to the MCU, especially in terms of introducing new characters into the firmament.

Among the most speculated about characters are the X-Men, and WandaVision fueled that fire in a variety of ways. Unfortunately, Magneto didn’t materialize, and Quicksilver’s appearance was proven to be a tease. But that doesn’t mean the X-Men aren’t coming soon.

A new rumor from That Hashtag Show suggests they may be coming very soon, in the guise of the most famous mutant of all: Wolverine.

According to THS, Marvel is currently developing a new series based around the hirsute, adamantium-clawed, borderline immortal mutant. The show is purported to be an anthology series that tackles a different storyline each season, with the first season tackling Project X. Future seasons could potentially tackle the acclaimed Japan storyline, and perhaps Old Man Logan, both of which have been touched upon one way or another in the Fox film series.

The big question any time a new Wolverine project is discussed is the question of casting, and unfortunately, these rumors have no such tidbits. This hasn’t stopped the internet from throwing names into the mix, like The Boys’ Anthony Starr and Karl Urban, Rocketman’s Taran Egerton, and more.

Obviously, Marvel is the standard for superhero stories, and everyone is dying for their takes on Wolverine and the other X-Men. The first few Fox movies were good, and Logan was great, but the MCU has a shot to Trump them all. But would they start on TV?

Frankly, the idea of Marvel introducing one of the marquee characters on Disney+ instead of on the big screen seems a bit unlikely to me, but the dominance of streaming, especially over the past year, has changed the game. Anything is possible.

Except Danny DeVito getting the role. Unfortunately.

Kevin James To Play Saints Coach Sean Payton in Netflix Movie

The King of Beating Altanta
(Twitter/Saints)

We are currently in the middle of the NFL’s off-season, and most of the conversations around the league are about the upcoming draft. But in his latest Football Morning In America column, well-known NFL writer Peter King dropped a bomb: they’re making a movie about Saints coach Sean Payton.

Payton has been the head coach of New Orleans since 2006, and his team is undergoing some major changes this off-season after longtime QB Drew Brees announced his retirement. Together, Brees and Payton won the city’s first and only Super Bowl back in the 2009 season, which you’d think might be the subject of the movie. But no. It’s actually about Payton’s job coaching… his son’s 6th-grade team?

The movie is called “Home Team” and will focus on the 2012 season when Payton was suspended for Bountygate and spent his off-time coaching his son’s team. The movie will air on Netflix and is being produced by Adam Sandler’s production company Happy Madison. The kicker? Payton will be portrayed by Sandler crony and former King of Queens Kevin James.

James is best known for his starring role on the aforementioned King of Queens sitcom and is most mocked for his role as Paul Blart: Mall Cop, in which he plays an overweight, Segway riding mall security guard. Legendary NFL journalist Peter King pointed out that he’ll need to “drop a few pounds” to play Sean Payton, but let’s be serious here: Payton isn’t about to return kicks or make any tackles. He stands on the sideline with a headset and a clipboard, I’m sure James will be fine.

He should also fit in quite well with kids, being that he has plenty of experience starring with Sandler in the Grown-Ups movies and other less-than-Oscar friendly fare that is perfect for juvenile sensibilities. It probably won’t be too goofy, though, since king reported that payton was able to read the script and suggest some changes.

Filming hasn’t started yet, but the trash talking has, as evidenced by tweets from the Saints and Falcons official team accounts.

The Falcons mocked the casting using a familiar poster:

And the Saints fired back:

Hopefully, the movie is as entertaining as the Saints/Falcons rivalry!

New York State Trooper Finds Missing Toddler on Mountain, “She Wouldn’t Let Go”

New York state trooper finds missing toddler on mountain
(YouTube/CBS New York)

When a child goes missing, time is of the utmost importance. With each passing minute, kids are exposed to more potential danger as they stray father away from safety. No parent should have to find themselves in a situation like this – but if they do, hopefully, they have a brave and experienced team like the New York State Troopers on their side.

On a Saturday in late March, the Ontario County Sheriff’s Office received a chilling call. A 2-year-old girl had gone missing, and in all likelihood, she had slipped out of her house and wandered off. The girl’s home was just half a mile from a nearby mountain, and streams and ponds punctuated the space in between.

“These missing kids, it can go really bad. It’s time-sensitive depending on the time of year, so although it was a nice day the temperature was dropping,” New York State Trooper Brian Hotchkiss told Rochester First.

At first, Hotchkiss and the other law enforcement agents knocked on doors in the girl’s neighborhood hoping that somebody had seen the toddler in her bright pink shirt. But as the minutes ticked by, Hotchkiss and two fellow troopers made a decision – they were going to climb the nearby mountain.

In reality, it was a long shot. An entire mountain to search with only three people was a huge undertaking, and it seemed unlikely a 2-year-old could climb a mountain that took three adults an hour to climb – but the troopers were determined to leave no rock unturned.

After reaching the top, the troopers’ search continued. They scanned the tree-filled mountain top, a dense green and brown collage. Suddenly, a small splash of pink caught Hotchkiss’s eye.

“I followed the stream and I located the child,” Hotchkiss recalled. “She was lying on her stomach on a rock, and I ran over as quick as possible and I saw her arm move and I knew she was alive and my heart just dropped. I was so excited, I ran up she hugged me immediately, she wouldn’t let go.”

One of the heroic troopers wrapped the shivering girl in his uniform, and before long, the 2-year-old was safe under the care of a local hospital.

“I still can’t get that out of my head, her turning over and looking at me and throwing her hands up in the air. I’ll never forget that.”

LeVar Burton: ‘No One Is Better Suited Than Me To Be Next Jeopardy Host’

Van Dyke Backs LeVar Burton
(Change.org)

“Jeopardy” continues to move through its interim hosts as the search continues for a permanent replacement for legend Alex Trebek. We’ve seen the favorite, Ken Jennings, we’ve seen a producer who wants the big job, and we’ve even seen an NFL quarterback. There’s one person the internet has been DEMANDING gets a shot, and it’s astonishing Jeopardy hasn’t yet listened: LeVar Burton.

It started as a petition to get the “Reading Rainbow” star a chance as an interim host, and it’s started to gain traction after Burton shared the petition himself. Then Hollywood royalty and all-around good guy Dick Van Dyke shared it. Now, Burton is actively campaigning for the spot, telling Entertainment Weekly he knows he’s the best choice.

“I don’t believe there is anyone out there who is better suited for this job than me, and I will go to my grave believing that,” he said. “I think my whole career is an advertisement for being the host of Jeopardy.”

Burton is emboldened by the overwhelming support from fans online, as more than 200,000 have signed the petition. And he rattled off his credentials to EW and honestly, it’s hard to argue against him. He cited his lifelong fandom of the show, as he started watching even before Alex Trebek was even the host. He watched the show almost every night of his life, he dominated celebrity Jeopardy when he got his shot in the 90s.

Not only is he a huge Jeopardy fan, but he is a tremendous advocate for learning and curiosity. And he brings fans from multiple demographics, from Gen X to millennials. Burton is getting more vocal about wanting a shot, saying he believes producers have to be paying attention.

“And I hope they weigh this campaign as a factor in my favor.”

Even the New York Public Library endorsed him in his bid.

With a groundswell of support behind him, there’s only one question for the Jeopardy powers that be that is unaccompanied by the traditional answer-first: What are they waiting for?

Looking For a Great Co-Op Game? ‘It Takes Two’ Is the Best Of the Best

(Electronic Arts/Hazelight Studios)

The only video game my wife and I play together is World of Warcraft.  I’ll play pretty much anything, but she’s very particular.  Trying to convince her to play something different has always been a challenge… that is until a little game called ‘It Takes Two‘ graced us with its presence.

If you haven’t heard of it, It Takes Two is a breath of fresh air and one of the best co-op games you’ll ever play.  The story features some heavy themes, but it’s also really funny, heartwarming, and feels real… even when you’re being chased by giant microphones that act like snakes.

It Takes Two begins with Cody and May in the process of getting a divorce.  They can’t get along like they used to and unfortunately, they have to break the news to their daughter Rose.  Rose acts like it’s fine, but sneaks off to the tool shed.  There, she brings out this “Book of Love” she found, written by Dr. Hakim, the “world-wide bestseller and famous expert on love”.  She pleads and cries on hand-made dolls that look like her parents, asking for them to stay together.  Her tears fall onto the dolls and something magical happens.  Cody and May fall asleep, only to reawaken as the dolls.  Terrified, confused, and just wanting to get back into their real bodies, The Book of Love (which is now very much alive) explains that they have to fix their relationship to break the spell.  This is where the fun begins.

As Cody and May, you make your way through different areas around your home.  You’ll climb the massive tree in the yard and even go through a giant toy castle that Cody built with his daughter.  Working together is everything in this game, and trust me when I say that you’ll be working together.  It Takes Two is literally built from the ground up for co-op.  Everything you do requires two players, making it impossible to beat this game by yourself.  Each puzzle is cleverly designed and you’ll be talking things out with your partner, constantly trying to figure things out.

Yep, I’m flying the underpants plane and that’s my wife fighting a squirrel (Electronic Arts/Hazelight Studios)

The variety of different gameplay and genres you’ll come across is also pretty staggering.  It Takes Two features platforming, fighting, flying, swimming, Diablo-style gameplay, and there’s even a nod to Mario Kart’s Rainbow Road. One minute you’re riding on top of frogs across a pond, next, you’ll be flying a plane made out of Cody’s underpants while May has to battle a squirrel on top in a full-blown Mortal Kombat fight.  Seriously, it’s as ridiculous as it sounds, and it’s one of the best things I’ve ever had to do in a video game.  My wife and I couldn’t stop laughing and I was so zoned out watching her fight the squirrel, I crashed the plane the first time it happened.

If you do happen to crash the plane as I did, the nice thing about It Takes Two is there are no “lives”.  If you happen to lose all your health, you just come back right away.  If both of you fall at once though, you’ll have to start from the previous checkpoint.  The checkpoints are pretty frequent and this really helps take away some of the stress and frustration, allowing you to enjoy the gameplay and story.

The writing is fantastic throughout and the story isn’t as cut and dry as you’d expect.  It Takes Two deals with real situations and feelings, like losing interest in your favorite hobbies or the stress of raising a family and being happy.  Even though Cody and May are working together, they still mention that once it’s all over they’ll be able to get divorced.  You’re rooting for them to stay together, but at the same time, maybe it’s better if they separate?  The game asks questions like this throughout, and even though you are traveling from one magical and crazy set piece to the next, it keeps you engaged with these characters.  Trust me when I say you won’t want to stop playing until you find out if they really do live happily ever after.

If you’re looking for a new game and a fun co-op experience to play with your spouse or whoever you play games with, It Takes Two is the very best of the best.

It Takes Two is now available on PS4, PS5, Xbox One, Xbox Series X/S, & PC

Adoption Ad for Chihuahua Described as a ‘Chucky Doll in a Dog’s Body’ Goes Viral

Adopt Dog that is chuckie
(Twitter/HLMongoose)

My kids are desperate for a dog.

Like anyone with a heart, they’ve always loved man’s best friend, but over the course of the pandemic, their desire for a furry friend has reached a fever pitch. I am reluctant, not because I dont want a dog – I’d love a dog! – but because I know the dog will become my sole responsibility.

And because we could end up with a dog like Prancer, a chihuahua that his owner is desperately attempting to get someone to adopt. After a fruitless search for a new owner, the dude decided to get brutally honest about Prancer, and the resulting post has gone viral, for good reason.

Prancer is “literally the Chihuahua meme that describes them as being 50% hate and 50% tremble.” Apparently, he was “raised” wrong by his original owner and is now a neurotic mess who has his family in the grips of a “demonic Chihuahua hellscape.”

The owner goes on to describe Pancer in the best/worst way:

“I was excited to see him come out of his shell and become a real dog. I am now convinced at this point he is not a real dog, but more like a vessel for a traumatized Victorian child that now haunts our home.”

It seems Prancer prefers women to an extreme extent: “He hates men more than women do, which is saying something.” She even uses The Office to describe the dog’s feelings towards him, “But you know that episode of The Office where Michael silently whispers ‘I’ll kill you’ to Toby? That’s Prancer having to begrudgingly coexist with everyone when I’m around.”

Oh, and don’t even ask about children. “Prancer wants to be your only child.”

The last portion of the post lists some of Prancer’s traits, but admits that “finding someone who wants a chucky doll in a dog’s body is hard, but I have to try.”

I might read this post to my kids just to scare them off getting a dog.

Check out the full posting on Twitter, and swing by New Jersey’s Second Chance Pet Adoption League if you want to take a chance on Prancer!

Playstation Exclusive ‘Days Gone’ Announced For PC With New Trailer

Days Gone Trailer
(Sony Interactive Entertainment)

While fans of the open-world zombie game are still wishing and waiting for Days Gone 2, Sony has announced the next best thing.

Days Gone, which was only available on PS4, will be making its way to PC on May 18th, 2021.  You can pre-order it now on Steam and Epic Games Store for $49.99 USD.

New features to the PC version include 21:9 ultra-wide monitor support, unlocked framerate, 1st, and 3rd party controller support, mouse and keyboard and much, much more.  You can check it all out in the new trailer down below.

If you haven’t played Days Gone, it’s a pretty great zombie game… now.  When Days Gone launched back in 2019, it had some major technical and gameplay issues.  Developer Bend Studio would put time and effort into updates to really polish it since then, turning it into something that you should definitely try out.  Days Gone drew comparisons to The Last of Us but it is very much its own beast.  Days Gone features an open-world where you can pick and choose your missions.  You can travel by motorcycle, and you actually need to worry about putting gas in it too.  Also, the zombies are called “Freakers” and dozens of them can appear on screen and attack you in a massive horde, making for a pretty intense experience.

I think it’s great that we’re continuing to see Sony release their exclusives to PC.  Horizon Zero Dawn was the first and Days Gone means they’re not stopping anytime soon.  Xbox has committed themselves to delivering their games across multiple platforms, so if Sony wants to keep up, this is definitely the best way.

Tom Brady Was Paid ’20 Cents’ to Autograph Rookie Card That Sold For 2+ Million

Brady Rookie Card .20 cents
(Instagram/Tom Brady Twiter/WCVB)

Tom Brady is an athletic anomaly. He’s nearing his mid-40s and is coming off a Super Bowl MVP season, despite moving to a new team. The GOAT is also breaking records in the offseason, as one of his autographed rookie cards sold for a record $2.25 million, shattering a previous record held by Patrick Mahomes (whose card sold for one-third that amount). And it’s tough for Brady to even enjoy it because he was paid ’20 cents’ to put his name on that card.

He was giving a long-ranging interview to Good Morning America’s Michael Strahan (a former NFL star in his own right) about his career, motivation, family, and more. But one of the most interesting parts was when Strahan asked about the rookie card selling for more than 2 million.

“It’s surreal and it makes me want to go check all my cards that I have stored again; there’s got to be one [more] in there somewhere,” Brady jokes. “I kept all these cards for all these years.”

Brady said when he was starting out (long before he was a starter and Super Bowl champion) his agent got him a trading card deal to sign 1000 cards for like ’20 cents a card.’ Brady said he was elated at the time.

“I definitely should have kept some of them,” he said, “but I think it all worked out pretty good.”

Brady has been in full dad mode in the offseason, as they took a family vacation to Costa Rica, the Middle East, and…of course, to Disney (every dad has gotta take his kids at least once, it’s a Dad law).

 

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A post shared by Tom Brady (@tombrady)

He also said he hopes his kids learn from his work ethic and can stay grounded.

“They’re gonna have to work hard and I don’t want them to take things for granted,” he said. “I want them to make the impact in the world they’re gonna make, but they’re gonna make it in their way.”

It’s gotta be weird to be the kid of the greatest football player ever, but as you can tell from his Instagram, Brady loves being a dad just as much as he does being a championship-caliber quarterback.

And if I was one of his kids, I’d be looking through the attic to track down one of those rookie cards.

Toddler Standing on Dad’s Head Sparks Thread of Parents Mourning Personal Space

Parents share videos toddlers standing on faces
(Twitter/9bills,_BraceYaself)

Until you have kids, it’s impossible to know how wrong you were about what it’s like to actually be a parent. The boundaries you imagined setting for your future kids are laughable, naive dreams of someone who’s never had to calm a 2-year-old scream-crying because they aren’t a dinosaur. You used to whisper about the toddler having a nuclear meltdown in the middle of an Olive Garden, fully believing that your child would never. It’d be funny now, it would definitely be funny if you weren’t so exhausted.

Another fun surprise that comes with parenting is the complete lack of personal space, something you probably anticipated to a degree – but not like this. Twitter user 9bills recently shared a video that captured the adorably stifling phenomenon perfectly, so much so that it led to parents all over the world sharing their own experiences. In the video that’s been viewed over 1.2 million times in just two weeks, a clearly exhausted dad lays down with his toddler. And by “lays down with his toddler,” we mean dad is laying down, the toddler is standing directly on dad’s face. Obviously.

Before long, parents were sharing their very own hilarious videos featuring their own kids’ complete disregard for personal space.

You know what they say, when you fall off dad’s face, just gotta get right back on

It’s so easy to laugh when there’s no toddler standing on your face

Have kids, they said

That balance is honestly impressive

I’m so tired

Fortunately, other parents are always there to reassure you that everything is going to be ok.