Satire

Dad Passes Out Just Half a Beer Into Virtual St. Paddy’s Pub Crawl

By     Mar 17, 2021

Dad Passes Out During Virtual Pub Crawl
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Credit: Getty/tacojim

ST. LOUIS, MO – While often the last man standing during his friend group’s annual St. Patrick’s Day pub crawl, local father Mitchell Rice showed just how much his alcohol tolerance has taken a hit during quarantine, as he passed out just half a beer into this year’s virtual Zoom pub crawl.

“Is he snoring? Put him in a breakout room,” muttered Mitchell’s friend Hugh, who had organized the virtual event at Mitchell’s insistence that they had to keep the tradition alive. Unfortunately, Mitchell was the binding force of the friend group, leaving the rest no choice but to make awkward small talk until he hopefully woke up ready to drink some more.

While Mitchell is understandably exhausted having been confined to his home with two young children for the last year of quarantine, even the world’s biggest lightweight would tell you that half a beer is nothing. Mitchell passing out so early is especially frustrating when you consider that Hugh had gone through the trouble of rounding up a dozen beers from several local breweries that were now sitting on the counter in Mitchell’s kitchen next to an untouched plate of corned beef.

“May the luck of the Irish be with you!” shouted Mitchell as he briefly awoke from his slumber, only to take a big swig of the now warm IPA he had been clutching for the last thirty minutes before slamming his head back down on the desk and passing out yet again.

While nobody expected Mitchell to fall asleep so early, there were still elements of this annual tradition that were successfully kept alive. Irish ballads were sung, a virtual toast was conducted using green-dyed beer, and for the twelfth straight year in a row, an extremely drunken Mitchell soiled his pants.

Despite being completely plausible to parents, THIS JUST IN is satire and intended for entertainment purposes only. For more stories like this one click here.

Father Figures

Jonathan Philp: So Many Memories

By     Aug 1, 2021

Jonathan Philp: So Many Memories
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“This is my dad, two weeks before being diagnosed with stage four kidney cancer, and eight months before leaving us much too soon.

This was the second day of an epic mountain bike trip he, my brother, and I took. His diagnosis less than a few weeks later left us all reeling. My dad was my best friend in so many different ways, and although he missed meeting his three grandkids by a few months, we know he would have been their hero too.

It’s been three years since his passing, and I think about this trip daily. We lost a husband, a father, a grandfather, a friend, and a mentor in the span of a few short months. But this trip brings nothing but smiles to our faces.

This, and so many other memories, are what we have to remember what a truly special guy he was. We miss him everyday, but the days we got with him are what we’ll hold on to forever.”

– Jonathan Philp

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Good News, News

After an Engine Failure, Teenager Lands Plane “Perfectly” on a Bridge in Traffic

By     Jul 30, 2021

Bridge Landing
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Credit: YouTube/Eyewitness News ABC7NY

An 18-year old pilot had some engine trouble and was able to, unbelievably, land the plane on a busy bridge in New Jersey. The stakes couldn’t be higher, and the kid nailed it. A perfect landing. 10/10. Not a single injury to himself or the plane. Truly incredible.

Landon Lucas was the teenager flying a banner plane for an aerial advertising company. Once the engine started having trouble, so he quickly dropped the banner in the ocean and headed for the airport. After realizing he might not get there, he spotted a gap in traffic on the 9th Street bridge and went for it.

This was in the middle of the day. Lunch hour. And he landed a plane in traffic. An Ocean City spokesman said “the pilot successfully landed with no damage to the plane and no injury to himself or any motorist.”

An eyewitness who happened to also be a pilot watched the landing from a boat and said it’s “really a challenge. I’m very proud of him, it’s really phenomenal he was able to do this safely.”

 Another witness called it a “perfect landing.” But Lucas? Couldn’t have been more nonplussed by the whole thing. He told a newspaper reporter that “it was just another day at work, but not an ideal one.”

And he broke it down very simply: “It was either water or bridge. There was a gap in traffic, and I went in. Being scared does nothing.” When asked how big the gap in traffic was, he responded “big enough.” Mic. Drop.

This kid is gonna go places, and wherever they are, he’s in for a smooth landing. 

Dad Shoes, Fashion, News

New Balance’s Next-Level Dad Shoes Come Pre-Stained With Dirt and Ketchup

By     Jul 30, 2021

New Balance Father's Day Stained Shoes
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Credit: hbx.com

Dads and their New Balances go together like peanut butter and jelly, like a toddler and any toy that makes noise. Attempting to make the archetypal dad kicks even more “daddish” feels like a challenge to science itself – but the shoe geniuses at New Balance aren’t backing down. As a late Father’s Day celebration, New Balance released their newest 57/40 Sneakers as an homage to dedicated dads.

These 57/40s are a nod to the classic white New Balances, the sneakers we’ve lovingly worn until they can no longer legally be considered shoes. Rather than the sleek white finish waiting to be marked with memories of yard work and barbecues past, the 57/40s come pre-stained. It’s essentially a paint by numbers, but for all of the marks these shoes will inevitably earn.

New Balance may be a bit late with the Father’s Day release, but for the holy grail of dad shoes, every day is Father’s Day. It’s not just the classic style and reasonable price tag that makes NB’s the dad shoe, it’s their utility. The days of buying clothes and shoes for aesthetics only are long gone – we can’t afford to wear things that don’t serve a purpose.

With cargo shorts storing everything from fruit snacks to emergency toys and some well-loved New Balances laced up tight, we’re as prepared as we possibly can be to leave the house with our kids. The folks at New Balance know how much dads appreciate them, and now they’re showing their appreciation for dads with their newest 57/40s.

These next-level dad shoes feature subtle dirt stains along the shoe’s familiar clunky sole, and a few more smudges on the classic white leather. That’s right, these shoes are stained intentionally for the sake of style, which means that each and every one of us is basically an artist. The formerly-white laces as well as the bold New Balance “N” are stained with red and yellow spatters, symbolizing the ketchup and mustard of barbecues past, present, and future.

You can find these celebratory New Balances for $147 at select retailers.

Movies and TV

Yippee-Ki-Yay, No More ‘Die Hard’ Prequel

By     Jul 30, 2021

Bruce Willis in Three Different Die Hards
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Credit: Rotten Tomatoes

Looks like we’re getting an early Christmas present this year! For a while there have been plans for a sixth Die Hard movie. This one was set to be John McLane’s “origin story.”  More on why that’s stupid later. But fortunately, it looks like the last few sequels and an Autozone commercial have squeezed every ounce of juice from the franchise. We will be spared -for now- watching a once-beloved character dragged out onto the stage and forced to dance for us as we barely look up from our phones. In other words, now that Disney has acquired Fox, the project has just died easy.

“Yeah, no, It’s not happening,” producer Lorenzo di Bonaventura said during a press junket for the new GI Joe prequel, Snake Eyes. The scrapped idea, which was at least a little different than the typical reboot, was to include Willis as the modern-day McLane. “What was interesting about our idea was it allowed you the ability to meet the young John McClane and use Bruce,”. “So it was really interesting in that way. So you sort of got to see both versions of him. A bit [like The Godfather Part 2].”

Yeah, I’m sure it was gonna be just like The Godfather Part 2.

So I say:  Good Riddance! The whole point of the first Die Hard was that McClane was just a regular guy. We learned everything we needed to know about him.  He was a cop, he was estranged from his wife, he hated technology. We don’t need more than that to inform his Nakatomi Plaza adventure.  It’s easy to think we’re going overboard with prequels and remakes lately, but it should also be said that not everything needs the superhero treatment.

Movies and TV

35+ ‘Breaking Bad’ Quotes That Are The Very Epitome Of The Show

By     Jul 30, 2021

breaking bad quotes
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Credit: High Bridge Productions

One, maybe twice, in a lifetime, a network will happen upon a show that is pure genius. A good show will hook its claws into viewers from the very first episode, much like shows like Friends or Mad Men did. It’ll offer something relatable but also offer an escape. Breaking Bad was just that show. On the surface, it was a about a dude named Walter White (Bryan Cranston) cooking meth. Something most Americans can’t relate to and probably look down on. In the very first episode, though, we met a very different man. We met a middle-class science teacher with cancer, crushing debt, with a healthcare system and government not keen on helping him. We met a man who only wanted to provide a decent life for his family and not be a burden. Now that is definitely relatable.

From there, we watched Walt learn to utilize the scientific knowledge he already had and use a connection with a hoodlum named Jesse (Aaron Paul). Soon, Walt was running a drug empire. Did he do some seriously sketchy shit? Yes, sir. But, he did it in the name of love… and survival. (Uh… mostly.) Who can fault a guy for that? Breaking Bad was a raging success and when it ended, many viewers were left absolutely crushed. Years later, we’re still talking about those final moments.

And, of course, years later we’re still quoting the show. If you’re looking to go down memory lane, these are some of our favorite quotes from Breaking Bad.

Perfect Breaking Bad Quotes From Walter White Himself

1. “I have spent my whole life scared, frightened of things that could happen, might happen, might not happen, 50-years I spent like that.”

2. “Finding myself awake at three in the morning. But you know what? Ever since my diagnosis, I sleep just fine.”

3. “What I came to realize is that fear, that’s the worst of it. That’s the real enemy. So, get up, get out in the real world and you kick that bastard as hard as you can right in the teeth.” –

4. “Well, technically, chemistry is the study of matter. But I prefer to see it as the study of change.”

5. “Is this just a genetic thing with you? Is it congenital? Did your… did your mother drop you on your head when you were a baby?”

6. “You clearly don’t know who you’re talking to, so let me clue you in. I am not in danger, Skyler. I am the danger. A guy opens his door and gets shot, and you think that of me? No! I am the one who knocks!”

7. “I mean, it’s just… it’s the constant, it’s the cycle. It’s solution, dissolution, just over and over and over. It is growth, then decay, then transformation. It is fascinating, really.”

8. “Right now, what I need is for you to climb down out of my ass. Can you do that? Will you do that for me, honey? Will you please, just once, get off my ass? You know? I’d appreciate it. I really would.”

9. “Walter Jr., you’re my big man. There are going to be some things that you’ll come to learn about me in the next few days. But just know that no matter how it may look, I only had you in my heart. Goodbye.”

10. “I did it for me. I liked it. I was good at it. And, I was really… I was alive.”

11. “I have lived under the threat of death for a year now. And because of that, I’ve made choices.”

12. “Jesse, you asked me if I was in the meth business or the money business… Neither. I’m in the empire business.”

13. “We tried to poison you. We tried to poison you because you are an insane, degenerate piece of filth and you deserve to die.”

14. “Say my name.”

15. “There is gold in the streets just waiting for someone to come and scoop it up.”

16. “We’re done when I say we’re done”

17. “If you don’t know who I am, then maybe your best course would be to tread lightly.”

18. “Fuck you and your eyebrows.”

19. “Smoking marijuana, eating Cheetos, and masturbating do not constitute plans in my book.”

Breaking Bad Quotes From Jesse Pinkman… Bitch!

20. “Did you know that there’s an acceptable level of rat turds that can go into candy bars? It’s the government, jack.”

21. “Ah, like I came to you, begging to cook meth. Oh, hey, nerdiest old dude I know, you wanna come cook crystal? Please. I’d ask my diaper-wearing granny, but her wheelchair wouldn’t fit in the RV.”

22. “We’re all on the same page. The one that says, ‘If I can’t kill you, you’ll sure as shit wish you were dead.’”

23. “Some straight like you, giant stick up his ass, age what, 60? He’s just gonna break bad?”

24. “Even the government doesn’t care that much about quality. You know what is okay to put in hot dogs? Huh? Pig lips and assholes. But I say, hey, have at it bitches ’cause I love hot dogs.”

25. “Yeah, Mr. White! Yeah, Science!”

26. “This is my own private domicile and I will not be harassed… bitch!”

Our Favorite Saul Goodman Quotes From Breaking Bad

27. “Scientists love lasers.”

28. “Congratulations, you’ve just left your family a second-hand Subaru.”

29. “Sending him on a trip to Belize.”

30. “I once told a woman I was Kevin Costner and it worked because I believed it.”

31. “Hey, I’m a civilian! I’m not your lawyer anymore. I’m nobody’s lawyer.”

32. “I’m not saying it’s not bad. It’s bad. But it could be worse.”

33. “The fun’s over. From here on out, I’m Mr. Low Profile. Just another douche bag with a job and three pairs of Dockers. If I’m lucky, a month from now, best-case scenario, I’m managing a Cinnabon in Omaha.”

34. If you’re committed enough, you can make any story work.”

More Breaking Bad Quotes From Everyone Else

35. “The moral of the story is…I chose a half measure when I should have gone all the way. I’ll never make that mistake again. No more half measures, Walter.” – Mike Ehrmantraut

36. “You are not the guy. You’re not capable of being the guy. I had a guy, but now I don’t. You are not the guy.” – Mike Ehrmantraut

37. “Just because you shot Jesse James, don’t make you Jesse James.” – Mike Ehrmantraut

38. “This kicks like a mule with its balls wrapped in duct tape!” – Tuco Salamanaca

39. “You know what Walt? Someone needs to protect this family from the man who protects this family.” – Skyler White

News, Sports

Olympian Says She Felt Her Late Dad’s Presence During Medal-Winning Race

By     Jul 29, 2021

Dad Inspired Bronze
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Credit: Instagram/kzaferes6

Winning a medal at the Olympics is a dream come true, but it must be hard if you have a Dad-sized hole in your life. Katie Zaferes represented the United States well in the women’s triathlon, as she made the podium with a bronze medal finish. Maybe more than the medal, what made the moment special was feeling her late dad’s influence during her race.

She told reporters after the event that she made it midway through the triathlon when she saw a rainbow above her in the sky. To her, she knew what it was.

 

“I just gave a little, ‘Hi, Dad.’ I just feel  like that was him. I felt him,” she told reporters after the event. “I feel like he’d be so happy.”

Of course he would. He would be thrilled! Or is thrilled, wherever he is now. Before he was a rainbow in the sky helping his daughter win an Olympic medal, Bill Zaferes was responsible for introducing his daughter to the sport. He recently passed away in April. Zaferes said she had trouble in her competitions after he died, but that she definitely felt his presence during her race.

On Father’s Day, she posted a tribute to her late dad and his influence on her life. She said Father’s Day was the first time she ever did a triathlon, and it was something she did with him.

“I thought I was doing it for my dad, only to find out many years later it was all a scheme to get me interested in the sport,” she wrote.

 

View this post on Instagram

 

A post shared by Katie Zaferes (@kzaferes6)

The two ended up doing many more triathlons together, culminating in Katie representing the US on the podium. But she will always remember running events with her dad. “He always had fun and came out with a story no matter what the scenario. He made me so proud.”

There is no doubt that she made him even prouder.

Fashion, News, Sports, Trending

Hospital Turns Newborns Into Tiny Olympians

By     Jul 29, 2021

Gold Medal babies
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Credit: Facebook/SaintLukesEastHospital

The Olympics are all what you make of it. If you get really into watching them, whether it’s for a specific sport (hockey! Gymnastics! Curling!?!), or just the thrill of the event, it can be a memorable experience. Of course, some people take it to the next level, like St. Luke’s Hospital in Kansas City.  These medical pros had a much-deserved laugh when they broke out the crocheted medals and Olympic attire for the babies born during the games.

Take anything relevant culturally and add it to cute newborns and you have a hit on your hands. Every parent probably feels like their newborn deserves a gold medal anyway. Although with our third, it’s my wife who deserves the medal, since that baby was pretty much a bowling ball.

A nurse said they planned to do this in order to bring some joy to families giving birth during the pandemic, and when the games were postponed, they held onto the idea. “I hope this is something families and babies can look back on over the years as something that made their delivery during the pandemic even more special and brought hope and encouragement,” she wrote.

Delivery is an emotional time, so honestly, everyone involved probably deserves a gold medal. That includes the dad because even the coaches get medals in team sports.

Gaming, Movies and TV, News

Ryan Reynolds Hosts First Xbox NPC Awards to Promote ‘Free Guy’

By     Jul 29, 2021

Xbox Game Pass NPC Awards
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Credit: Youtube/Xbox

Video game NPCs (Non-Player Characters) rarely get the love and attention they deserve.  They provide us with story, items, and are just there if we want to find directions.  When you think about it, a video game would feel pretty empty without them.

In honor of those that await us to return quest items to them, Xbox and Ryan Reynolds are hosting the first (and according to Reynolds, probably last) Xbox Game Pass Non-Player Character Awards in association with Reynolds new film Free Guy.  The movie releases in theaters on August 13th and is all about an NPC named Guy who realizes he’s actually in a video game.  If anyone should be an advocate for all those NPCs that don’t get enough recognition, it’s Reynolds.

Among the video game NPC nominees are Parvati Holcomb (The Outer Worlds), Samuel Hayden (Doom Eternal), Chief Trader Mollie (Sea of Thieves), and Guy (Free Guy) himself.  The polls close on August 3rd, so if you’re interested in showing your support for all those lovely NPCs, you can vote down below.

Movies and TV, Trending

Hawkeye Meets Hawkeye in First Look at Next Live Action Marvel Series

By     Jul 29, 2021

Hawkey First Look
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Credit: Entertainment Weekly

It’s clear now the MCU is going to use Disney+ content to expand their universe, and introduce the next wave of Avengering. Loki revealed Jonathan Majors as the next big bad (or rather, a “varient” of him), while the upcoming  What If…? series will likely have more to say about the new Infinity Stone level “thing” – the multiverse.

EW has given us the official first look at Jeremy Renner and Hailee Steinfeld in Hawkeye, debuting this fall. The series is about Clint Barton, aka Hawkeye, and Kate Bishop, the young, gifted fan of the archer who wants to follow in his footsteps. (And their dog.)

Kate Bishop is a fan favorite character from a comics, and fans have been eager to see her appear ever since we saw a clip of Clint training a young woman in the first Endgame trailer. That turned out to be his blipped daughter, but after years of rumors and hints, Disney finally confirmed Steinfeld will indeed take on the mantel of the Young Avenger.

“[Kate is] a 22-year-old kid and she’s a big Hawkeye fan,” Renner said. “She has a wonderfully annoying and equally charming manner about her, because she’s such a fangirl of Hawkeye. The relationship grows from that, but the biggest problem for Clint is Kate Bishop and the onslaught of problems that she brings into his life.”

No word yet on the full plot of Hawkeye, but *SPOILER ALERT FOR BLACK WIDOW INCOMING*  we do know that Florence Pugh’s Yelena, the new Black Widow, might be on the hunt for her sister’s best buddy. While we wait to find out more, Renner is busy getting his young costar acclimated to the Marvel universe.

“Outside of acting in the thing, I was protecting her and giving her the CliffsNotes on how it goes with this kind of filmmaking: Green screen, superhero life, all that stuff,” Renner says. “I just wanted to protect her, because there’s a lot of physical stuff. She’s a wonderful actress, a wonderful human, and I can’t wait to see all the cool stuff that she’s able to do.”

Neither can we! Hawkeye premieres on Disney+ on November 24th.