TUSCALOOSA, AL – Confident that one particular athlete’s abilities would propel his fantasy team to victory, albeit in a league that did not yet exist, local father, John Levine revealed that he would theoretically select himself 1st overall in a fantasy lawn mowing league.
“I’ve seen my neighbors’ lawns and they’re only capable of amassing twenty, maybe thirty points a week, whereas my lawn is worth a solid fifty,” claimed John, basing his comments on a fantasy scoring system that only he seemed to know and understand.
While John was disappointed to learn that ESPN’s fantasy sports page offered no lawncare-based leagues, he was still insistent that he would be the consensus number one pick, though conceded that Rick Henderson’s lawn was nice enough that some GMs would foolishly choose Rick first and that their teams would be doomed because of it.
“I know that my bye week comes at an inopportune time since we’re visiting the in-laws Labor Day weekend, but my lawn would get me so many points before I leave that my team would already be out to a massive lead,” said John, further stating that the bye week would help him rest up for the lawn mowing playoffs later in September.
As John went on and on about his fantasy lawn mowing prowess, he once again neglected to set his fantasy baseball lineups for a league where, due to his poor managerial skills, he currently sits in last place.
This Just In…is The Dad Faking News. Despite being completely plausible to parents, it’s satire and intended for entertainment purposes only. For more stories like this one click here.