They’re either insane or brilliant and so is anyone who buys it
There are a lot of things in which I’d happily bathe myself. Dark chocolate, coconut-scented shampoo and/or conditioner, coffee, beer, blue cheese, garlic, bourbon. The list goes on and on. What about ranch dressing, you ask? But of course! Who wouldn’t want to bathe themselves in ranch dressing?
The problem is, where would I even get enough delicious ranch dressing with which to fill my bathtub?
ENTER HIDDEN VALLEY.
As an American man, I’m no stranger to dangerous excess, especially when it comes to food.
This is a country with a pop star named Meatloaf. A different pop star who wore a meat-dress. A sandwich that replaces bread with meat. A movie called Midnight Meat Train. I going to stop talking about meat now. (P.S. Pour one out for bacon.)
The point is, we don’t do anything small. We go big or we go home, preferable to a really big home with a really big fridge that can store our really big container of Ranch Dressing that Hidden Valley recently released because they know what their customers want: HEART DISEASE!
And also ranch dressing.
You can buy your own Mini Ranch Keg on Flavour Gallery.
Or you could, before it was sold out, because ‘MURICA! But don’t worry, while you’re waiting for them to restock, the description of the mini keg should hold you over:
- It isn’t a party unless the Hidden Valley® Ranch is flowin – Well shit. Apparently I’ve never actually been to a party.
- Height is 9.7 inches and Diameter is 6.3 inches and stackable – IT’S STACKABLE. In case you need TWO kegs of fucken Ranch.
- Special inside coating meets FDA specifications and keeps the ranch tasting fresh – I really wish it didn’t say it keeps the ranch tasting fresh. I’d prefer it actually be fresh. I want to die from eating too much fresh ranch, not from eating spoiled ranch! MY BODY, MY LIFE.
- Includes a year supply of Hidden Valley Ranch! – Okay, wait. Are they talking about what’s in the keg? Or do they give you a year’s supply on TOP of the keg?
- Refrigerate keg after ranch is included. – Everything about this line frightens me. The ranch isn’t included. Does that mean I have to fill the keg myself? Do I have to fill it with ranch? Do I have to fill it at all? Are there people who will buy an empty Hidden Valley Ranch mini keg for decorative use? And last but not least: DO PEOPLE NOT UNDERSTAND THAT RANCH NEEDS TO BE REFRIGERATED. Hidden Valley is going to kill a lot of people.
I’m getting carried away. The point of the Hidden Valley Mini Keg… The important thing isn’t that people may die if they eat too much ranch dressing, it’s that people can buy that much ranch dressing because LAND OF THE BRAVE. If, again, it weren’t sold out.
But don’t worry, it’s only “temporarily sold out,” so you’ll (presumably) have another chance to buy and dip into and drink from and bathe in your very own vat of ranch dressing. Just as God intended.