They’re either insane or brilliant and so is anyone who buys it

There are a lot of things in which I’d happily bathe myself. Dark chocolate, coconut-scented shampoo and/or conditioner, coffee, beer, blue cheese, garlic, bourbon. The list goes on and on. What about ranch dressing, you ask? But of course! Who wouldn’t want to bathe themselves in ranch dressing?

The problem is, where would I even get enough delicious ranch dressing with which to fill my bathtub?

ENTER HIDDEN VALLEY.

via GIPHY

As an American man, I’m no stranger to dangerous excess, especially when it comes to food.

This is a country with a pop star named Meatloaf. A different pop star who wore a meat-dress. A sandwich that replaces bread with meat. A movie called Midnight Meat Train. I going to stop talking about meat now. (P.S. Pour one out for bacon.)

The point is, we don’t do anything small. We go big or we go home, preferable to a really big home with a really big fridge that can store our really big container of Ranch Dressing that Hidden Valley recently released because they know what their customers want: HEART DISEASE!

And also ranch dressing.

You can buy your own Mini Ranch Keg on Flavour Gallery.

Or you could, before it was sold out, because ‘MURICA! But don’t worry, while you’re waiting for them to restock, the description of the mini keg should hold you over:

• It isn’t a party unless the Hidden Valley® Ranch is flowin – Well shit. Apparently I’ve never actually been to a party.
• Height is 9.7 inches and Diameter is 6.3 inches and stackable – IT’S STACKABLE. In case you need TWO kegs of fucken Ranch.
• Special inside coating meets FDA specifications and keeps the ranch tasting fresh – I really wish it didn’t say it keeps the ranch tasting fresh. I’d prefer it actually be fresh. I want to die from eating too much fresh ranch, not from eating spoiled ranch! MY BODY, MY LIFE.
• Includes a year supply of Hidden Valley Ranch! – Okay, wait. Are they talking about what’s in the keg? Or do they give you a year’s supply on TOP of the keg?
• Refrigerate keg after ranch is included. – Everything about this line frightens me. The ranch isn’t included. Does that mean I have to fill the keg myself? Do I have to fill it with ranch? Do I have to fill it at all? Are there people who will buy an empty Hidden Valley Ranch mini keg for decorative use? And last but not least: DO PEOPLE NOT UNDERSTAND THAT RANCH NEEDS TO BE REFRIGERATED. Hidden Valley is going to kill a lot of people.

via GIPHY

I’m getting carried away. The point of the Hidden Valley Mini Keg… The important thing isn’t that people may die if they eat too much ranch dressing, it’s that people can buy that much ranch dressing because LAND OF THE BRAVE. If, again, it weren’t sold out.

But don’t worry, it’s only “temporarily sold out,” so you’ll (presumably) have another chance to buy and dip into and drink from and bathe in your very own vat of ranch dressing. Just as God intended.

“It’s funny how one day you’re you, thinking about what’s best for yourself and partner, moving along in a mostly straight line. Then next day you’re a parent and nothing else matters.

It’s been 5 days since she’s been born and she’s all we can think about. You’re heart moves at a different level. That straight line you’re on now diverts to where can it take her. You want to give her the world while protecting her from it.

We still have work and the same old responsibilities as before but at the end of the day all we want to know is how she’s doing. Nothing else matters.

As for my wife, there has to be a better word than endurance for what she went through. And through it all she smiles and the happiness just flows from her.

Women are truly amazing and we hope to raise an amazing one.”

– Carlos Menendez

Want to share a story about fatherhood? Email [email protected]

Check out the previous editions of Father Figures here.

GREENSBORO, NC – Having ran into his screaming son’s bedroom in a panic, local father Oscar Molina assessed the situation and realized there was nothing for his child to worry about, as he reassured his boy that the monster in the closet wasn’t as scary as the one under the bed.

“When I heard my son, Jonathan, crying, I feared the worst. But when he claimed that he was worried about the monster in his closet I made sure to comfort him and say, ‘Kid, you’ve got bigger problems than that,’” said Oscar, pointing under Jonathan’s bed in the direction of the heinous creature that posed a greater risk to his son and especially any of his friends should they ever sleep on the floor during a sleepover.

To prove to his son that there was nothing to fear, Oscar walked into the closet and emerged unscathed, but then as he approached the bed again, he was bitten pretty badly on the toe and had to run out of the room to grab a bandage.

“Sleep tight, and remember, don’t let your arm dangle off the bed,” said Oscar as he turned off the lights and shut the door, content that he had put his son’s concerns at ease.

While Jonathan continued to cry throughout the night, Oscar knew that his son was still perfectly fine, considering that if the monster under the bed got to him then there would be total silence.

This Just In…is The Dad Faking News. Despite being completely plausible to parents, it’s satire and intended for entertainment purposes only. For more stories like this one click here.

Exhausted parents, unite!

If you’ve recently welcomed a new addition, chances are someone has already gifted you several books with plenty of advice on raising kids. But what about a little levity? A lighthearted and honest look at what being a new mom or dad is really like. Something with a little fucking truth to it.

Well fear not, as we announced last week, author Adam Mansbach has returned with a brand new story that’s perfect for unwinding after a long day. A follow up to Mansbach’s first adult storybook, the New York Times Bestseller Go the F—- to Sleep, F-ck, Now There Are Two of You shares the author’s honest and curse-filled take on raising not one, but two children.

According to the book’s publisher F—k, Now There Are Two of You is a loving monologue about that new addition to the family, addressed to a big sibling and shot through with Adam’s trademark profane truth-telling.”

Like his first two books, Mansbach has lined up a celebrity to read the audiobook version to be released in conjunction with the new book. His first book was aptly voiced by Samuel L. Jackson, a fitting choice for such material.

Ah yes, there’s something about Jackson laying down an F-Bomb that just hits right.

Mansbach’s follow up, You Have to F-cking Eat, was read with class by Breaking Bad star Bryan Cranston.

But now everyone’s favorite old curmudgeon takes the reigns for the latest in Mansbach’s foul languaged follies. Seinfeld co-creator and all-around funnyman Larry David has agreed to lend his pipes to the new audiobook, releasing the following clip from the recording set to debut next month.

David, looking comfortable as ever, perfectly encapsulates lines such as “What the fuck did we sign ourselves up for,” and “Soon you won’t be the focus of all our attention, chances are, that will make you a dick.”

The audiobook will be available October 1st on Audible, Apple iTunes and anywhere else audiobooks are sold. The print edition of the book is available now for preorder on Amazon for $14.99.

Just a heads up, if you buy stuff using the provided links, The Dad may collect a small commission.

Say what you want about Marvel’s takeover of the multiplex, and their future plans to continue doing so. Maybe you’re sick of superhero movies, maybe you never enjoyed them in the first place, maybe Bill Bixby is your one true Bruce Banner, it’s all good. But no one can deny that what Kevin Feige, Marvel Studios, and the Avengers pulled off wasn’t impressive.

23 films over the course of eleven years, many of them standalone and all of them at least nominally connected in the service of a large, epic story-line that culminated this year with Avengers: Endgame, which already stands as the most successful movie of all time.

The feat is even more impressive in the face of poor attempts to duplicate the masterful universe-building like whatever is happening with the Warner Bros DC Extended Universe. Warner Brothers attempted to reverse engineer their universe, starting with a premature team-up in the poorly-received Batman vs. Superman, rather than meticulously build it from the ground-up the way Marvel did.

All that said, it’s easy to look back on Marvel’s success and assume it was all the plan from the beginning. But was it?

As a matter of fact, it seems to have been! According to a deleted version of the post-credits stinger in Iron Man, the entry that launched the entire MCU, features Samuel L. Jackson’s Nick Fury making references to both Spider-man and the X-Men.

This newly-released ‘never-before-seen’ deleted alternate scene from 2008’s #IronMan reveals Nick Fury mentioning “radioactive bug bites” and “mutants” in his Avengers Initiative dialogue!

(via @SaturnAwards) pic.twitter.com/n75fGeQB4S

— MCU Direct (@MCU_Direct) September 14, 2019

Fury, speaking to an off-screen Iron Man, says, “As if gamma accidents, radioactive bug bites, and assorted mutants weren’t enough, I have to deal with a spoiled brat who doesn’t play well with others and wants to keep all his toys to himself.”

What’s insane about this is the forethought. Sure, in the comics, both Spider-man and the X-Men have been featured players within the Avengers, but at the time of Iron Man, this didn’t seem possible in the film world. Thanks to rights issues, the webhead didn’t even join the MCU until Homecoming hit theaters some 9 years later, and Professor X’s mutants hadn’t even been whispered as potential additions to the MCU until recently, thanks to Disney’s recent acquisition of Fox.

Feige shared the scene at the Saturn awards, fueling speculation that the rumored mutants will soon be on the scene, and perhaps making Spider-Man’s recent exit that much more disappointing.

Is it outright planning or impressive dreaming? Either way, one can’t help but have faith in Kevin Feige and the MCU’s future.

I just wanna know who’s gonna play Wolverine – will it be Keanu or Danny DeVito?

Back to school season is often a time of excitement for both kids and parents, however, like many of life’s milestones, can often be accompanied by stress and anxiety.

With fresh faces all around and new challenges being presented each day, children can sometimes need a little extra reassurance that things will be alright. School Bus driver, Isabel Lane, is all too familiar with first day jitters, so when kindergartener Axel Johnson’s excitement turned to anxiousness, the Wisconsin native knew just what to do.

Reaching back, Lane took Axel’s hand, a silent reminder that things will be ok. Axel’s mom, Amy, capturing a photo of the exchange. The Augusta Police Department sharing it to their Facebook page, acknowledging Lane and all the staff who work with the community’s children each and every day.

“The compassion we see every day in our teachers, bus drivers, custodians, administration, food service staff, and paraprofessionals is truly admirable,” the post said. “We are so fortunate to be able to partner with these people!”

The photo has since gone viral, with hundreds commenting on the simple, yet powerful gesture. Lane, however, telling news affiliate WEAU it was simply the right thing to do. “I think it kind of goes for anyone—if you see someone maybe struggling, just to do something as simple as reaching out a hand and showing that you are there.”

As for Axel, his anxiety has long since subsided and he now looks forward to the morning bus ride, all thanks to Lane’s small act of compassion. “The day after that he was waiting at the bus stop all by himself, he got on all smiles and talking to me the whole time so he is doing much better now,” Lane added.

The photo and story, a reminder of how small acts can make a huge difference. The bus driver sharing a final piece of advice we should all take to heart: “You don’t have to say anything, but just to show someone you are there makes a big difference in someone’s day.”

Catching an alligator at any age is a serious feat, but taking down a whopping 14-foot-long and 700-pound monster at only 14-years-old is downright astonishing.

Shelby Snelson definitely has bragging rights after she and her dad, Derrick, bagged the biggest gator in Georgia state history on September 1st. The father-daughter duo made the catch on Lake Eufaula, where they were accompanied by a team from Lethal Guide Service, a hunting guide business.

“To be honest with you, we were just happy to see how big it was,” Snelson told CNN. “I ain’t never caught anything like that before, it was just amazing.”

The catch was made during Georgia’s official gator-hunting season, which runs from August 16 to October 7, and was initiated to help manage the reptiles’ flourishing population. Hunters can only bag one gator each, and the Snelson’s clearly wanted to get their money’s worth.

Incredibly, this was Shelby’s first time hunting alligators and only her father’s second outing. She says the hunt was exhilarating but also pretty frightening considering the massive gator almost knocked her into the water.

“[The boat] was rocking back and forth, and a few times [the gator] hit the side of the boat with its tail,” the teen recalled.

But it wasn’t enough to stop her from doing what needed to be done in order to get the grab. In fact, she said she’d “jump in the truck right now” if she had the opportunity to go gator hunting again.

“We’ll have it ‘life-size’ mounted,” Derrick said. “I guess I’ll have to build a house around it. It’s going to be a monster laying on the living room floor for a while!”

From the way he likes to include his daughter, we wouldn’t be surprised if Shelby gets to be an associate contractor on that job, too.

There’s some big effing news for parents and lovers of literary expletives. Author Adam Mansbach has released another follow up to his New York Times Bestseller “Go the F—- to Sleep,” and parents everywhere will undoubtedly relate and rejoice.

Illustrated once again by the talented Owen Brozman, the author’s new “adult bedtime story” highlights the struggles and headaches of transitioning from one child to two. “So, ‘F–k, Now There Are Two of You,’ is very much my reality,” Mansbach shared in a press release for his new book, adding in that “somehow, two is a million more kids than one,” something any parent will attest is true.

 

View this post on Instagram

 

A post shared by Adam Mansbach (@adammansbach) on Dec 17, 2018 at 2:15pm PST

According to the publisher “Fuck, Now There Are Two of You is a loving monologue about the new addition to the family, addressed to a big sibling and shot through with Adam’s trademark profane truth-telling.” An audiobook will also be released with Seinfeld creator Larry David narrating, which honestly seems spot on. David telling Entertainment Weekly “As the second-born child, I’m sure my parents experienced feelings similar to those of the narrator in this book,” adding “Is it any wonder I’m so fucked up?”

Manbach’s first book, ‘Go the F–k to Sleep,’ was recorded by Samuel L. Jackson.

While Breaking Bad Star Bryan Cranston lent his voice to Mansbach’s 2014 ‘You Have to F—ing Eat.’

Since finishing his new release, the already exhausted author has welcomed a third child. While Mandbach may release another book, the author says there’s currently no plan to further expand his family, joking in a statement “I’ll probably leave a few copies at the doctor’s office when I go in for my vasectomy.”

While it’s likely not suitable reading for your little ones, this title is sure to find it’s way onto slightly-out-of-reach bookshelves in homes across America.

‘F–k, Now There Are Two of You’ will be released on October 1st. It will be in stock on Amazon on September 23 and you can currently pre-order it for $14.36.

Just a heads up, if you buy stuff using the provided links, The Dad may collect a small commission.