It feels like the holidays happened a lifetime ago until I look at my bank account and realize I’m still feeling the aftershocks of purchasing exorbitantly priced chunks of plastic branded with characters I hate, many of which I’ve hurt myself stepping on by now. Sure, Christmas morning was magic, but there’s nothing magic about hearing me scream, “I’LL THROW THIS SHIT IN THE GARBAGE IF IT’S STILL ON THE FLOOR WHEN I GET BACK.” Maybe next time, instead of throwing away a bunch of money on obnoxious trash, I’ll try the knockoff of whatever piece of crap was advertised to them the most on YouTube. Maybe, just maybe, the knockoff is just as good. Maybe…
Harry Potter, Obama, and Sonic the Hedgehog are the new Three Musketeers. Screw my kids, I need this. Goodbye briefcase, hello timeless style.
From the creators of Toy Jam 1 and Boy Story 2, we present Space Boys 3 featuring Oaky the space cowboy who for some reason has giant hands.
When they decided to rip off Guess Who, suggested names included “Gary, Is That You,” “Guess Whom,” and “Who The Fuck Is That?”
Your favorite hero besides Batman is here to save the world, one bowl of hot liquid food at a time!
Bust my buffers, these engines are about to cause confusion and delay. Those dirty diesels better watch their cabooses.
Who doesn’t love sharing the sci-fi fantasy capable of uniting generations with their kids? Surely Star Wars falls under the umbrella of the larger Universal War, featuring beloved characters like some alien guys, bad weather trooper, dark invader, and I guess the Tin Man?
Listen, kids. Daddy isn’t angry at you, he is just ill-tempered about waking up at 5 A.M. to the sound of cereal being poured all over the kitchen floor.
Everyone remembers Shrek’s famous line to Donkey, “You won’t like me when I’m angry.”
While you and your friend argued over who would be Mario and who would be Luigi, some smart kid with cash to spare enjoyed taking on the role of forgotten Japanese/Italian cousin Super Mariano.
Classic God Jesus coming through with flowers. I’m not sure what this knocks off. I guess God and/or Jesus, but I feel strongly it’s a better value than any other version on the market.
New Style Mutant Ninja Tortoise,
New Style Mutant Ninja Tortoise,
Tortoise in a half-price shell!
Ah yes, Bear of the Interest. From the 100-Acre Outdoor Space, with friends like Boy of the Interest, Pig of the Interest, and little Roo of the Interest.
This isn’t Jesus, it’s Manny! Do NOT confuse these very popular action figures!
If you feel like Barbie is problematic, Benign Girl has good news for you and your daughter. Give her a call on this phone.
The game for when Sorry just isn’t cutting it. My family likes to follow it with a game of Please, Sharon, You Know I Didn’t Mean It and wrap the evening up with Fine, I’ll Sleep On The Couch.
Well, I can’t say the knockoffs knocked my socks off. Imagine how detached from reality you’d have to be to give your kids Souperman action figures believing it’s truly the thought that counts. I guess deep down, the material possessions aren’t meaningful, but my willingness to bend to their will is. For now I’ll be sticking to my kids’ Amazon wish list but good luck to any of you brave enough to venture into the realm of the generic. Let me know how it goes.