MEMPHIS, TN – Imposing a Halloween candy tax on your children is something every father does, and most dads get away with both metaphorically and literally fudging the numbers. But 44-year-old Evan Black is currently embroiled in a scandal that all parents hope to avoid, as he’s been audited by the Internal Candy Service amid accusations of candy tax fraud.

“Okay, maybe I let a few Snickers go unaccounted for, but is that so terrible a crime?” pondered Evan aloud, seemingly unaware that the ICS takes these matters very seriously and recently fined another dad in the neighborhood a hundred grand worth of 100 Grand for failing to report the precise number of Skittles that he took from his children last year.

While she initially wanted to give Evan the benefit of the doubt, his wife Debbie was shocked to hear that he had been failing to accurately report his candy tax levy even before they had children of their own, as Evan had been collecting 10-20% of the candy from his nieces and nephews as far back as a decade ago.

“Don’t worry, I have a secret Twix stash in my sock drawer and we can dip into that if we need to account for lost wrappers,” exclaimed Evan, hoping that his unmaliciously deceitful ways would ultimately be forgiven.

As Evan tallied up every old empty candy bar wrapper stashed away in his office’s desk drawer, he briefly considered going on the run and assuming a new identity, as Halloween would be the perfect time to don a disguise. However, he ultimately decided that it would be unfair to impose this burden on his family and promised to make things right with the ICS even if it meant spending time behind candy bars.

Despite being completely plausible to parents, THIS JUST IN is satire and intended for entertainment purposes only. For more stories like this one click here.

PROVIDENCE, RI – With Halloween in full swing, kids are out and about trying to hit as many houses as they can to load up on candy and eat way too much of it over the coming week. However, one trick-or-treater will have to wait outside for a few minutes, as this local dad just sat back down in his recliner after already having gotten up moments ago to answer the door for the previous trick-or-treater.

“Another one? I should’ve just left a bowl on the porch…” muttered an achy and tired 53-year-old Henry Milner, who, whether it was an intentionally low-effort Halloween costume or not, was acting a lot like Archie Bunker as he sank into his comfy chair further and further.

As the doorbell continued to ring several times due to the growing group of trick-or-treaters gathering on his porch, Henry attempted to get up but in doing so accidentally shifted his body into an even more comfortable position, meaning those kids would have to wait another five minutes at minimum before receiving their chocolate.

“Don’t you all look adorable, here take ten candies apiece,” said Henry upon finally answering the door, not realizing that it was actually a dream and he was currently passed out in his recliner while in real life an impatient bunch of trick-or-treaters were outside egging his house.

About an hour later Henry was awoken from his nap by the doorbell incessantly ringing yet again. But this time Henry felt rested enough to stand up, go to the door, and shut off the porch light so he could pretend like it wasn’t Halloween and go back to sleep.

Despite being completely plausible to parents, THIS JUST IN is satire and intended for entertainment purposes only. For more stories like this one click here.

SACRAMENTO, CA — Local father Dan Benedict is doing deep-dive research on Zillow’s real estate listings to guarantee his children take a Trick-Or-Treat course that “yields the absolute best candy”.

“Halloween is about dressing up, getting spooky, and filtering out the tightwad houses handing out Laffy Taffy bullshit,” Benedict said. “Finding the houses with dense, high-quality chocolate — that’s the Halloween spirit.”

In addition to Zillow, Benedict so far has gone deep into Google Maps, social media photos, and public tax records.

Benedict’s wife had asked him to get the kids into their costumes and ready to go out. Instead, he has created a “war room” with charts, print-outs, and multiple computers and tablets. His daughters, aged 8 and 5, have been watching silently in the corner.

“We’re creating a “Likely Candy Profile” for each household and using that to generate the ideal itinerary, right girls??” Benedict asked excitedly. His daughters murmured that he was correct.

So far, the process has already produced results. For example, Benedict’s daughters wanted to stop by their friend Stacey’s house, but he nixed that idea based on his projections for Stacey’s block.

“Based on the regression analysis I ran, it’s not worth it to spend time on Templeton Street,” he said. “Best to get right to Oakview and hope for some high-value yield.”

Benedict said he regrets not checking his neighbor’s trash for evidence of what candy they bought but will do so next year.

Despite being completely plausible to parents, THIS JUST IN is satire and intended for entertainment purposes only. For more stories like this one click here.