Let’s face it: mowing ballpark-level stripes into your lawn is out. I mean, what’s the reaction you’re expecting with those? Oh my, is this your front yard or did I wander onto Wrigley Field on Opening Day? Give me a break. Pop off that shirt and mount that Craftsman 6-speed, or do it virtually, because we’ve got this summer’s five hottest lawn mowing patterns for you.
1. The Quitter
This will get the neighbors talking. Why did Dave suddenly stop mowing? Did his mower break? Did he run over one of his kid’s toys? Did he finally come to grips with the futility of existence? Congrats, you just became the talk of dinner.
2. The Lush
There’s no simpler way to telegraph your affinity for day-drinking than with this trendy new cut. The Lush is one of the few modern lawn motifs that makes a statement, and that statement is “I’m comfortable with the neighborhood seeing me cut grass in a bathrobe.”
3. The Silencer
Sick of making small talk with the neighbor on your morning trip to the recycling bin? Cut this pentagram in your backyard and watch as “we really needed that rain” turns into an apprehensive stare through the living room blinds.
4. The Pleader
Did you put a bowl in the sink without rinsing it? Forget your anniversary again? Watch the next episode of Stranger Things without her? We recommend using this purely functional template to apologize in the event she’s currently on a plane to Maui.
5. The Brazilian
You know exactly what this means.