The Story Of The Sideline – An Investigative Report

(Flickr/Thomson20192)

Ever wonder why there are so many random dudes on the sidelines at football games? Ever think, “What the hell are they all doing? Do each of them have a job? Are they ALL on the payroll?” Well, concerned sports fans, the answer is yes, and I’m here to make sure you’re aware of some of these vital roles.

(Sean Simmer/The Patriot)

Hype Director-$52,000 per season

After years of studying other forms of entertainment, Big Football noticed hip-hop performances had something special going for them. What do they have? They have the guy who’s always there, who’s going to rep you no matter what and keep things exciting — the hype guy. That’s Ted’s job. Need someone to be overly enthusiastic on the sideline, maybe even doing the worm? That’s Ted, and he’s so, so happy to be here. Thanks for keeping it flippity fly, T-money.

 

(Getty/Justin K. Aller)

Hair and Makeup Artist-$78,000 per season

Helmet hair is brutal. And with all the cameras around, it can be distracting for players to imagine tuning into ESPN the next day only to see a picture of them not looking their best. That’s why they don’t go anywhere without guys like Julio on deck. Julio’s out there with the hair gel, the moisturizer, the brow liner, making sure their overall “image” is maintained throughout the game. That way they look stunning for interviews, sideline shots, and on-field photos. Hello, Sports Illustrated cover!

 

(AP Images/Andy Lanis)

Contemplation Coordinator-$68,000 per season

Some people would suggest we shouldn’t support college and pro sports. On top of being a huge money-suck, they are believed to promote aggression, division, and the injuries can be life-altering. Well, the football overlords want you to know they have their eyes on the issue, and they’ve hired guys like Terry (all the way on the left there) to contemplate the purpose of all this. Terry’s always there, absorbing everything. Just look at that intense reflection. Keep your chin up, Terry.

 

(via ESPN)

Director of Vibes-$74,000 per season

When the game becomes taxing and the outcome is uncertain, guess who takes on a lot of that stress — the coach. The camera’s on him, the owner is looking down deciding whether or not to maybe fire him after this season, the pressure is crazy. Our guy Dave in the white shirt is responsible for emergency, stress-reducing hugs. These keep the coach focused and relaxed. Mmmm… lovely. Thank you, Dave.

 

(Bettina Hansen/The Seattle Times)

Team Poet-$46,500 per season

Football is an art. It requires skill, poise, and grace; but a lot of times we can get caught up in the aggression and perceived baseness of it all. That’s why they’ve hired Michal. Michal’s sideline job is to write beautiful prose during the game. He then reads it to the players to make sure they remain grounded in the art of the sport. You think Cam Newton cries all the time because he’s just emotional about the game? No, that’s Michal working his poetic magic.

 

(via WCVB)

Trevor and Dad-$89,000 per season

Ever see some teenager on the sideline and wonder what on earth are they doing there? Well, a lot is happening at any given moment. Most of it legal, some of it maybe not. Football organizations have hired teams such as Trevor and his dad for incidences straying into the latter. They’re the experts. If legal action needs to be taken, Trevor will make the call and will inform you that his dad is “gonna sue your ass.” Good work, legal team.

 

(Brian Spurlock/US PRESSWIRE)

Hands-On Seamstress-$51,500 per season

We’ve all seen the guy on the sideline who pats the players’ butts when they come off the field. Who is that guy, what’s his deal, is he trying to cop a feel? Of course not. That’s Jim, and his job is to check the seams on players’ tights to be sure there are no accidental, embarrassing splits. Don’t believe me? Look below to see just one example of Jim saving the day. He’s proud of his work and insists it’s not gay at all. Not that he minds the gays, because he doesn’t; in fact, his ex-wife used to know one.

(via SBNation)

 

So, next time you’re watching, give a little tip of the hat to our guys on the front line. They do it all for you. Oh, and I say guys because remember, folks. The only way a woman is getting on that sideline is if she’s wearing a tiny, sparkling outfit and dancing in unison with the rest of her kind.

Artist Wife Illustrates The Drastic Ways Her Husband’s Life Changed After Kids

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Chen Weng, an illustrator who goes by the name The Messycow, has created a series of comics showing just how much things change when one becomes a father.

Which do you relate to most?

(Facebook/MesscowComics)
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(Facebook/MesscowComics)

Check out more from this series on The Messycow’s Facebook page and website.

Dad Dinosaur: Prehistoric Reunion

Dad Dinosaur’s high school reunion is fast approaching, but will he be able to win the big dance contest – or are his moves stuck in the past?

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Father Figures: Risky Business

“As the garage door closed behind me, I heard a muffled whimper.

“What is that?” I wondered. Another whimper and I noticed eight fingers on the lid of one of the garbage cans in the corner. I spy a set of eyes, then a nose and finally my oldest son’s face.

“I’m sorry, I’m so sorry, I didn’t mean it.”

“What happened? Where is your brother?” No answers, just sobbing.

He moped toward the door and I followed him into the kitchen. I half-expected to see CSI investigators hovering over a chalk outline.

We walked around the corner by the refrigerator, and only then did I see his brother and allow myself to take my first breath. Then I saw a hole in the drywall the size of a young boy’s torso.

They had been running & sliding, in their stocking feet, across the marbled kitchen floor. Obviously a bit too exuberantly! I was relieved that they were both okay, but I still mustered enough anger to quash any future escapades.

Each blamed the other, of course. I used to say I couldn’t always tell when my kids were lying, but I could always tell when they were telling the truth.

If that makes any sense to you, I’m guessing you’ve raised at least two boys.”

  • Ron Fuller

Want to share a story about fatherhood? Email fatherfigures@thedad.com

Son Surprises Ailing Dad With Tickets To College World Series

Father’s Day is a special time to celebrate your old man, and show him how much you appreciate the role he’s played in your life all these years. Especially since, as we get older, our dads do too, and they may not have many Father’s Days left.

Matt Lea recognized that this Father’s Day, and so went out of his way to make it a memorable one, for both him and his father, both former college baseball players who bonded over the game as Matt was growing up.

Matt’s father Billy suffers from Alzheimer’s Disease, and the symptoms have been accruing rapidly. But that doesn’t mean there isn’t time for more memories, and Matt used the latest Father’s Day as an opportunity to do just that. The 36-year-old drove 12 hours, from Florida to Mississippi, and surprised his parents at their doorstep on Sunday.

He was bearing gifts as well, bringing his dad the jersey of his favorite baseball team, Mississippi State. But that wasn’t all. Matt brought tickets too, to see the College World Series in Omaha in person.

In video of the exchange that Matt posted on Twitter, his dad was clearly taken by surprise.

“I figured it’s probably not good enough just for us to watch the game here,” Matt says in the video as he produces the tickets. “How about we go to Omaha? Do you want to go up to Omaha and watch the College World Series together?”

“Golly,” an emotional Billy responds. “You’re gonna break my heart, here.”

Matt’s gift for his dad received a rapturous response from Twitter, where it’s been liked 46,000 times and retweeted 11,000 times.

Matt seemed as surprised by the response as his dad was by the gift, as everyone who celebrated Father’s Day yesterday knows, there’s nothing better than sharing meaningful memories with your dad, which is exactly what Matt did. An article on Omaha.com details Billy’s baseball past, the initial diagnosis of his Alzheimer’s, the VIP experience Matt treated him too over the weekend.

Matt’s Twitter account showcased the rest.

Happy Father’s Day!

Amazing Street Artist Uses Everyday Objects As His Canvas

(Twitter/tombobnyc)

Artist Tom Bob doesn’t see the world like other people. Where you and I might see sewer grates or metal pipes, he sees ghosts and saxophone players.

Check out some of the amazing ways he’s transforming parts of New York City into works of art.

(Twitter/tombobnyc)
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(Twitter/tombobnyc)
(Twitter/tombobnyc)

Check out more of Tom Bob and his unique artwork here.

Father Figures: Heroes

“On February 2, 2011, my daughter was born. The whole thing started pretty normally about 2:30 am or so, my wife woke me up and said, ‘Honey, it is time to go,’ so we went to the hospital in a snowstorm.

That was the easy part.

When they put the belly monitor on her they noticed that the babies heart rate would drop to low whenever my wife would have a contraction. She needed emergency C-section, but the doctor could not make it due to the storm, and when he finally arrived it was rush rush rush!
Well when my daughter Emily did arrive, she had internal bleeding throughout her body, which included two grade 4 brain bleeds. We could not touch her because she would bruise and start bleeding.
They had to life-flight her to the university, where she spent 5 1/2 weeks in the NICU, which left her (you may want to sit down) deaf/blind, with hydrocephalus, a shunt, cerebral palsy, and seizures (at age 6, she needed a baclofen pump because her CP got too bad to handle without it). She is doing great today. She is happy, loves life, and everyone who meets her says that she makes their day and she is beautiful.
To pay back our little community, I became a first responder, mostly a firefighter, but I did help with EMS. Never got my certification, but that is where I found out that in the U.S. we do not have any training for first responders to deal with children with special needs.
I have made it my personal mission to teach first responders about kids with special needs.
I have taken to Emily to every EMS/Fire station in the five counties around me. I have taken her to the police and sheriff’s departments to train them, and now I have a waiting list to get trained.
I don’t know if I am the hero here, but I needed to tell the story.”

– Mike Kuyper

Want to share a story about fatherhood? Email fatherfigures@thedad.com

Low Cost Cosplay Guy Makes The World A Better Place

(Facebook/Lowcostcosplay)

Anucha “Cha” Saengchart, the genius behind “Low Cost Cosplay,” has amassed millions of followers with his incredible reimaginings of famous fictional characters.

Whether you’re planning on portraying your favorite anime character or a Marvel superhero, this guy can show you how to do it effectively and on a string budget.

(Facebook/Lowcostcosplay)
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(Facebook/Lowcostcosplay)
(Facebook/Lowcostcosplay)
(Facebook/Lowcostcosplay)
(Facebook/Lowcostcosplay)
(Facebook/Lowcostcosplay)
(Facebook/Lowcostcosplay)

Can’t get enough? Check out more creative cosplay on his Facebook page.