The Story Of The Sideline – An Investigative Report


Ever wonder why there are so many random dudes on the sidelines at football games? Ever think, “What the hell are they all doing? Do each of them have a job? Are they ALL on the payroll?” Well, concerned sports fans, the answer is yes, and I’m here to make sure you’re aware of some of these vital roles.

(Sean Simmer/The Patriot)

Hype Director-$52,000 per season

After years of studying other forms of entertainment, Big Football noticed hip-hop performances had something special going for them. What do they have? They have the guy who’s always there, who’s going to rep you no matter what and keep things exciting — the hype guy. That’s Ted’s job. Need someone to be overly enthusiastic on the sideline, maybe even doing the worm? That’s Ted, and he’s so, so happy to be here. Thanks for keeping it flippity fly, T-money.


(Getty/Justin K. Aller)

Hair and Makeup Artist-$78,000 per season

Helmet hair is brutal. And with all the cameras around, it can be distracting for players to imagine tuning into ESPN the next day only to see a picture of them not looking their best. That’s why they don’t go anywhere without guys like Julio on deck. Julio’s out there with the hair gel, the moisturizer, the brow liner, making sure their overall “image” is maintained throughout the game. That way they look stunning for interviews, sideline shots, and on-field photos. Hello, Sports Illustrated cover!


(AP Images/Andy Lanis)

Contemplation Coordinator-$68,000 per season

Some people would suggest we shouldn’t support college and pro sports. On top of being a huge money-suck, they are believed to promote aggression, division, and the injuries can be life-altering. Well, the football overlords want you to know they have their eyes on the issue, and they’ve hired guys like Terry (all the way on the left there) to contemplate the purpose of all this. Terry’s always there, absorbing everything. Just look at that intense reflection. Keep your chin up, Terry.


(via ESPN)

Director of Vibes-$74,000 per season

When the game becomes taxing and the outcome is uncertain, guess who takes on a lot of that stress — the coach. The camera’s on him, the owner is looking down deciding whether or not to maybe fire him after this season, the pressure is crazy. Our guy Dave in the white shirt is responsible for emergency, stress-reducing hugs. These keep the coach focused and relaxed. Mmmm… lovely. Thank you, Dave.


(Bettina Hansen/The Seattle Times)

Team Poet-$46,500 per season

Football is an art. It requires skill, poise, and grace; but a lot of times we can get caught up in the aggression and perceived baseness of it all. That’s why they’ve hired Michal. Michal’s sideline job is to write beautiful prose during the game. He then reads it to the players to make sure they remain grounded in the art of the sport. You think Cam Newton cries all the time because he’s just emotional about the game? No, that’s Michal working his poetic magic.


(via WCVB)

Trevor and Dad-$89,000 per season

Ever see some teenager on the sideline and wonder what on earth are they doing there? Well, a lot is happening at any given moment. Most of it legal, some of it maybe not. Football organizations have hired teams such as Trevor and his dad for incidences straying into the latter. They’re the experts. If legal action needs to be taken, Trevor will make the call and will inform you that his dad is “gonna sue your ass.” Good work, legal team.


(Brian Spurlock/US PRESSWIRE)

Hands-On Seamstress-$51,500 per season

We’ve all seen the guy on the sideline who pats the players’ butts when they come off the field. Who is that guy, what’s his deal, is he trying to cop a feel? Of course not. That’s Jim, and his job is to check the seams on players’ tights to be sure there are no accidental, embarrassing splits. Don’t believe me? Look below to see just one example of Jim saving the day. He’s proud of his work and insists it’s not gay at all. Not that he minds the gays, because he doesn’t; in fact, his ex-wife used to know one.

(via SBNation)


So, next time you’re watching, give a little tip of the hat to our guys on the front line. They do it all for you. Oh, and I say guys because remember, folks. The only way a woman is getting on that sideline is if she’s wearing a tiny, sparkling outfit and dancing in unison with the rest of her kind.

Big Dad Rides Small Bike as a Tribute to Late Daughter

(JustGiving/Peter Williams)

On Friday at 10am, Peter Williams of Penzance, England began his 211-mile ride to raise money for The Brain Tumour Charity.

In 2015, Peter lost his 7-year-old daughter, Ellie, to a rare form of brain cancer, only six months after she was diagnosed.

He decided to begin his ride at Bristol Children’s Hospital where Ellie was treated. He’s also honoring his daughter by making the entire trip on her little pink bike, which is only 20″ high. Given Peter is 6 feet tall, that’s going to make for an additional challenge, but he’s up for it. He estimates the ride from Bristol to Land’s End will take him a week to complete.

Aside from a small modification to the bike’s seat, he’ll be riding the bike as-is. “My knees clear the handlebars by about half an inch so it’s going to be really tight, but it’s a great bike,” he told the BBC.

Ellie loved cycling and impressed her dad at age three, when she was able to ride without training wheels.

(JustGiving/Peter Williams)

The bike he’ll be riding was her pride and joy – a present she received for her last Christmas.

So far Peter has raised £22,499 (roughly $30K US) through his JustGiving campaign, already doubling his £10,000 target.

What a guy! What a dad! Go, Peter, go!

If you’d like donate to Peter’s campaign, visit his JustGiving page.

If you want to learn more about where the money is going, you can visit The Brain Tumour Charity.

Father and Son Escape Burning Truck in the Nick of Time

(News Channel Nebraska)

When 19-year old Minnesota man Kobe Sammons drove 500 miles to visit his family in Nebraska he thought he was leaving the heat from his welding job behind. When he arrived he told to his father, Jeremy, that his ride just wasn’t running right. So his dad hopped in the truck and the two went for a drive in hopes of discovering what the problem was.

A short while later they pulled over when Jeremy noticed smoke had entered the cabin of the truck. The smoke quickly turned to heat and it became apparent the engine compartment was on fire.

That’s when both men attempted to open their doors but they would not unlock.

The father wondered if this would be their final moments together.

“I told him he would have to break the glass or kick the door open. I couldn’t help him.” the elder Sammons told News Channel Nebraska.

But eventually Kobe was able to kick the door open.

“It was in those moments. Just when it had to open, the door opened.” Kobe’s dad said.

By the time firefighters arrived the truck was completely engulfed in flames. Authorities on the scene considered that the fire may have caused the doors’ unlocking mechanism to malfunction.

The truck can easily be replaced, the important thing is that this father and son duo escaped unharmed.

75-Year-Old Volunteer Literally Takes Catnaps at Animal Shelter

(Facebook/Safe Haven Pet Sanctuary Inc.)

If you’re a cat lover you’ll probably agree that 75-year-old Wisconsinite Terry Lauerman is living the dream. He spends most days volunteering at his local animal shelter snoozing with cats.

Lauerman begins his day at Safe Haven Pet Sanctuary where he brushes any cat that needs it, then ends up catching a few z’s with his feline friends. The cats and staff at the shelter love the service Lauerman provides and so do thousands of others because of a viral Facebook post about him.

Elizabeth Feldhausen, the founder of Safe Haven Pet Sanctuary, told The Huffington Post that Lauerman never signed up to be a volunteer but just showed up one day, armed with a cat brush and dream to help some kitties.

“He just walked in and started brushing,” Feldhausen said. “So eventually we told him he was an official volunteer and had him fill out our volunteer form.”

(Facebook/Safe Haven Pet Sanctuary Inc.)

Safe Haven is a cage-free, no-kill shelter aimed at rehabilitating cats with special needs who would likely be euthanized elsewhere. Feldhausen says Lauerman usually comes in for about three hours every day—he’ll start by brushing a cat but usually ends up dozing off.

“He sleeps for about an hour, then he’ll wake up and switch cats,”

The cats aren’t the only ones benefitting from his visits, though. “He said, [the brushing is] as great of an experience for him, as it is for them,” said Feldhausen.

(Facebook/Safe Haven Pet Sanctuary Inc.)

The post about Lauerman has received tons of positive attention and according to Feldhausen, they’ve received about $20,000 in donations since the post went viral.

While Lauerman is happy to have brought so much attention to Safe Haven, he wants people to know that there are plenty of other volunteers that put in hours of hard work to make sure the cats are loved and cared for.

Unlike them, however, Lauerman can do it in his sleep.

Father Figures: So Be It

“My money is tight living here in Silicon Valley.

My daughters are both really smart and take advanced classes, which takes a shit load of money for tests, materials and such. I too play the ‘money is tight’ card around holidays and birthdays, but I work my ass off and find side jobs. As many as I can to make sure they have the best day possible on those special occasions.

If that means not buying myself anything for the rest of my life, so be it.

They always come first, and I believe they will appreciate the struggles later on in life, and they’ll be better off for it.”

– Mauro Hernandez

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Dad’s Panoramic Photo of Daughter Goes Horribly Wrong and Viral


With new phones constantly boasting advancements in camera technology, it’s no wonder some people have trouble keeping up—dads in particular.

Just ask 21-year-old Twitter user Simran. She recently came to terms with the fact that her father is a bit more technologically-challenged than she realized.

Here’s how Simran appears when she’s directing the photo shoot:

While on vacation her dad attempted to snap a unique picture of her. He insisted on trying out his iPhone X’s panoramic photo mode. As you probably expect, the photo didn’t turn out quite as planned.

“My dad told me to stand by the apples because he said he discovered a new way to take pano pics vertically,” Simran told Mashable. “I agreed to it and this was the result.”

“When he saw them he said ‘they look great’ and then I saw them and completely lost it. I mean, are you kidding me? I look like an Alien,” she said.

A number of people chimed in and made fun comparisons to some pretty unflattering images.

Clearly, Simran has been a good sport and we commend her dad for a bold attempt at harnessing advanced photo technology. But perhaps he should stick with the old fashioned point-and-shoot method from now on?