The Story Of The Sideline – An Investigative Report

(Flickr/Thomson20192)

Ever wonder why there are so many random dudes on the sidelines at football games? Ever think, “What the hell are they all doing? Do each of them have a job? Are they ALL on the payroll?” Well, concerned sports fans, the answer is yes, and I’m here to make sure you’re aware of some of these vital roles.

(Sean Simmer/The Patriot)

Hype Director-$52,000 per season

After years of studying other forms of entertainment, Big Football noticed hip-hop performances had something special going for them. What do they have? They have the guy who’s always there, who’s going to rep you no matter what and keep things exciting — the hype guy. That’s Ted’s job. Need someone to be overly enthusiastic on the sideline, maybe even doing the worm? That’s Ted, and he’s so, so happy to be here. Thanks for keeping it flippity fly, T-money.


 

(Getty/Justin K. Aller)

Hair and Makeup Artist-$78,000 per season

Helmet hair is brutal. And with all the cameras around, it can be distracting for players to imagine tuning into ESPN the next day only to see a picture of them not looking their best. That’s why they don’t go anywhere without guys like Julio on deck. Julio’s out there with the hair gel, the moisturizer, the brow liner, making sure their overall “image” is maintained throughout the game. That way they look stunning for interviews, sideline shots, and on-field photos. Hello, Sports Illustrated cover!


 

(AP Images/Andy Lanis)

Contemplation Coordinator-$68,000 per season

Some people would suggest we shouldn’t support college and pro sports. On top of being a huge money-suck, they are believed to promote aggression, division, and the injuries can be life-altering. Well, the football overlords want you to know they have their eyes on the issue, and they’ve hired guys like Terry (all the way on the left there) to contemplate the purpose of all this. Terry’s always there, absorbing everything. Just look at that intense reflection. Keep your chin up, Terry.


 

(via ESPN)

Director of Vibes-$74,000 per season

When the game becomes taxing and the outcome is uncertain, guess who takes on a lot of that stress — the coach. The camera’s on him, the owner is looking down deciding whether or not to maybe fire him after this season, the pressure is crazy. Our guy Dave in the white shirt is responsible for emergency, stress-reducing hugs. These keep the coach focused and relaxed. Mmmm… lovely. Thank you, Dave.


 

(Bettina Hansen/The Seattle Times)

Team Poet-$46,500 per season

Football is an art. It requires skill, poise, and grace; but a lot of times we can get caught up in the aggression and perceived baseness of it all. That’s why they’ve hired Michal. Michal’s sideline job is to write beautiful prose during the game. He then reads it to the players to make sure they remain grounded in the art of the sport. You think Cam Newton cries all the time because he’s just emotional about the game? No, that’s Michal working his poetic magic.


 

(via WCVB)

Trevor and Dad-$89,000 per season

Ever see some teenager on the sideline and wonder what on earth are they doing there? Well, a lot is happening at any given moment. Most of it legal, some of it maybe not. Football organizations have hired teams such as Trevor and his dad for incidences straying into the latter. They’re the experts. If legal action needs to be taken, Trevor will make the call and will inform you that his dad is “gonna sue your ass.” Good work, legal team.


 

(Brian Spurlock/US PRESSWIRE)

Hands-On Seamstress-$51,500 per season

We’ve all seen the guy on the sideline who pats the players’ butts when they come off the field. Who is that guy, what’s his deal, is he trying to cop a feel? Of course not. That’s Jim, and his job is to check the seams on players’ tights to be sure there are no accidental, embarrassing splits. Don’t believe me? Look below to see just one example of Jim saving the day. He’s proud of his work and insists it’s not gay at all. Not that he minds the gays, because he doesn’t; in fact, his ex-wife used to know one.


(via SBNation)

 

So, next time you’re watching, give a little tip of the hat to our guys on the front line. They do it all for you. Oh, and I say guys because remember, folks. The only way a woman is getting on that sideline is if she’s wearing a tiny, sparkling outfit and dancing in unison with the rest of her kind.

Mario Kart Mobile Game Announced So You Can Pwn Your Kids on the Go

(Nintendo)

Grab your banana peels and variously-colored turtle shells—Mario Kart is coming to your mobile phone!

Nintendo made the announcement on Twitter in late January and ‘Kart’ fans everywhere are buzzing.

The game company tweeted:

The checkered flag has been raised and the finish line is near. A new mobile application is now in development: Mario Kart Tour! Releasing in the fiscal year ending in March 2019.

Unfortunately, the company recently delayed the game for a summer 2019 release “in order to improve quality of the application and expand the content offerings after launch,” but it is still most definitely on its way.

So far, Nintendo’s foray into the mobile gaming scene has been pretty hit-or-miss.

Its first mobile Mario title, Super Mario Run, launched in December 2016 and broke serious records with over 200 million downloads; however, according to analytics company App Annie, the very few paid the $10 it cost to access to the full game.

Other mobile Nintendo titles include Fire Emblem Heroes (2017), Animal Crossing: Pocket Camp (2017), and Dragalia Lost (2018), and an upcoming Dr. Mario title is expected to release for iOS and Android devices by mid-2019, just in case destroying them in virtual kart races isn’t enough.

Imagine pwning your kids at Mario Kart on mobile while inside a Mario World theme park? I can’t wait for the future!

The Gang Is Back for One Last Adventure in Toy Story 4 [WATCH TRAILER]

Toy Story 4 Trailer
(YouTube/Diney Pixar)

It’s hard to remember now, but there was a time when Pixar wasn’t a thing. There was a time when there wasn’t a new animated blockbuster emanating from the computer-animation studio every year or so to delight kids, impress adults, and basically make everyone cry. Nowadays, Pixar’s movies are among the most anticipated releases every summer, and this summer is no different.

Almost 25 years after their debut, Woody, Buzz and the gang are back for their final adventure in Toy Story 4.

The first Toy Story kicked off Pixar’s unprecedented run of animated blockbusters, which went on to include beloved flicks like Monsters Inc., Up, Inside Out, and the two Incredibles movies. And now the original cast of characters is back!

Last time around, the toys said goodbye to their beloved Andy, who grew up and went to college in Toy Story 3. The crew narrowly avoided a sinister daycare and a terrifying incinerator and safely landed in little Bonnie’s room. But the new movie finds them separated and embark on a road trip to reunite.

But does Woody want to?

Spurred on by Bonnie’s new toy, an arts and crafts creation/abomination named Forky, Woody ends up in an amusement park, loaded with rides, games, and countless kids every single day. And this time, tempted by old friend Little Bo Peep, Woody might not want to leave. But Buzz and friends are determined to bring their pal back.

Check out the full-length trailer, and try not to cry:

Super Dad Transforms Daughter Into Captain Marvel [WATCH]

(Josh Rossi Photography)

With Captain Marvel opening with a whopping $455 million worldwide, it’s no surprise that the superpowered heroine has some serious fans. The biggest of them all, however, just might be a 5-year-old named Nellee Rossi.

“Once she saw the trailer for Captain Marvel, she became obsessed and started acting out scenes,” Josh Rossi, Nellee’s father told HuffPost.

Ever since the first trailer, Nellee has been recreating scenes as the blonde badass so Josh wanted to surprise his daughter with a special photo project.

“I’ve been wanting to portray her as a strong little girl and [help her] be able to feel empowered, so whenever there is a superhero that she connects with, I do a shoot with her,” he explained, adding that Captain Marvel is “the baddest of them all.”

(Josh Rossi Photography)

Josh commissioned a near perfect replica of Captain Marvel’s uniform from designer Julie Whiteley and then did his best to recreate epic scenes from the various trailers.

And it didn’t stop there. Josh worked with movie theater employees to briefly replace the Captain Marvel poster with their ‘Captain Nellee’ poster for the ultimate ‘cherry on top’ after the movie.

“When Nellee came out, she was in shock,” Josh said. “It was the cutest thing ever.”

The poster now hangs in Nellee’s bedroom, an inspiring reminder of how strong she is.

“I hope little girls feel empowered from these and can connect to the character. I’d love to inspire dads to spend more time with their daughters as well,” he told HuffPost.

“We get so busy with work sometimes and forget to spend time with our kids when they are young. Then, when they get older and things slow down, they have their own lives and friends,” he added. “I’m just so happy that these photo shoots have allowed me to spend quality time with my kids.”

(Josh Rossi Photography)

Make sure to scroll down and check out some of the amazing photos from this super shoot:

(Josh Rossi Photography)
(Josh Rossi Photography)

(Josh Rossi Photography)
(Josh Rossi Photography)

(Josh Rossi Photography)

 

Michael J. Fox’s Foundation Donates $24 Million to Parkinson’s Researchers

Michael J. Fox
(michaeljfox.org)

Beloved Canadian actor, Michael J. Fox recently announced that his foundation is giving away more than $24 million in grants for the research and treatment of Parkinson’s disease.

The actor, who is best known for his starring roles in movie classics like Back to the Future and Teen Wolf, as well as Spin City and a more recently, a recurring role on the TV show, The Good Wife,  was diagnosed with young-onset Parkinson’s disease in 2000.

That same year, he launched the Michael J. Fox Foundation for Parkinson’s Research, which has since become the world’s largest nonprofit for Parkinson’s research. Since 2000, The Michael J. Fox Foundation has funded more than $800 million in Parkinson’s research.

Michael J Fox Foundation Logo
(michaeljfox.org)

The new donation is being distributed in the form of 127 grants for projects seeking to understand, diagnose, treat, and study the progression of the disease. “All of our funding is focused on our mission to find a cure for Parkinson’s and to improve quality of life for those living with the disease today.” reads the official statement from the foundation’s announcement.

Parkinson’s Disease is a progressive disease of the nervous system and its symptoms include tremors, muscular rigidity, and slow, imprecise movement, and mostly affects middle-aged and elderly people. Early warning signs include tremors while resting, a loss of smell, or dizziness. For a full list, check out Parkinson.org

Associate professor of molecular science Justin O’Sullivan, at the University of Auckland and his team are one of the grant recipients. He said, “For us, this grant is an amazing opportunity to investigate a disorder that has a huge impact on people. We hope to make insights that ultimately make a real difference to patients.”

Stand-up Dad of the Week: Nate Bargatze [WATCH]

Stand-up Dads: Nate Bargatze
(YouTube/Link TV Instagram/natebargatze)

Every week we showcase a talented stand-up comedian whose jokes clearly indicate that he’s married… with children.

Usually, you try very hard to keep your baby from crying. Parents often have Vietnam-esque flashbacks to the days of hour intervals of sleep punctuated by the piercing screams of a newborn. But, there is one time you want your baby to cry.


Comedian Nate Bargatze is one of the best comedians you (maybe) haven’t heard of. He cut his teeth in New York, both his comedy albums (Yelled at by a Clown/Full Time Magic) were in the Billboard top ten, but the Nashville comedian is best known for his Netflix half-hour special and his late night performances on Conan and The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon.

 

Both of his albums are terrific, as is his Netflix half-hour. Check them out, find him at a live show, like him on Facebook and make yourself happier by filling your life with more laughter.

This late night set on The Tonight Show about running into his wife’s ex-boyfriend, taking his daughter to Disney World, helping with homework, and going back in time is an outstanding place to start.

Son Gives Dad Kidney to Save His Life, Tweets Updates

Chance and David Horner
(Twitter/chancehorner)

There’s no real way to repay your parents for the years of sacrifice and hard work they put into raising you and for spending the better part of their lives working to provide for you and your whole family.

You can’t put a dollar value on it, and that’s even before you include the intangibles they provide like unconditional love and support.

But one son is doing his best to give something back to his ailing father. He’s giving him a kidney.

Chance Horner is a photographer at WFAA in Dallas, and his dad is a 63-year-old high school coach with his own trophy business outside of the city. His high blood pressure and diabetes were manageable problems, but his kidney failure was a new wrinkle, and the three days of dialysis a week was hard on him.

So his son made him an offer: one of his kidneys.

“Now I had to talk him into just trying it. Because he didn’t want me to do it,” Chance told WFAA.

“I worry about if something happens to him later in life, you know,” his father said, hesitant to accept his son’s offer. But Chance was adamant.

“He just said it’s gonna happen,” David Horner said. “It’s gonna happen. So I figured I helped bring him into the world somehow and he’s gonna help me stay in the world a lot longer, you know.”

“I think if you have the ability to help somebody you should,” Chance explained. “I’ve gotta do this, because I don’t know how to not do it.”

The day before the transplant, Chance tweeted out his intentions, along with a thread explaining the history behind his decision.




He said the months of preparation for the procedure forced he and his dad to become healthier than ever.

He updated just before and after the procedure.


The surgery was a success, and father and son were up and… shuffling!


Cheers to this father and son team, here’s to many more years together!

Dad Loses Rap Battle to Infant Son, Rematch Pending [WATCH]

Dad Loses Rap Battle With Infant Son
(Facebook/thatshowitbdoe)

Every family learns how to settle conflict differently, and some better than others.

Recently, one unique father and son duo decided to finally settle what appears to be a lifelong feud with a head-to-head, no holds barred style rap battle. The tension in the room is almost palpable as dad (aka ‘B-doe’) steps up to his opponent and son, Quintin (aka ‘San Quintin’).

What follows is a ruthless competition of wits, rhymes, and insatiable laughter?

“He messin’ with me,” B-doe says, as Quintin laughs defiantly in his father’s face.

Okay, so maybe this face-off isn’t quite as brutal as I made it out to be, but rather a near-lethal injection of joy straight into our frickin’ hearts. Quintin’s laugh is so amazing and pure, and he’s clearly thrilled to be getting all of this undivided attention from his fire-spitting father.

Even B-doe, who obviously has a background in the rap battle scene, couldn’t keep his composure while being blasted by such unadulterated cuteness.

“He definitely got in my head lol,” B-doe says in the comments. “I was trying to stay with it. I got bodied fam.”

The video, posted on February 21, has garnered over 10 million views and been featured on countless morning and talk shows. People can’t seem to get enough. It appears unanimous who took home the ‘W,’ though.

“The youngest MC to battle and win w/o saying a word,” one viewer wrote, “You already lost when you stepped up to that adorableness!”

According to a recent update from B-doe, he and Quintin are going head-to-head once again in a video that will be released sometime soon on his YouTube channel.


Hopefully, B-doe comes more prepared this time because when you step back into the ring with the champ*, you’re likely to just get knocked out** again.

*adorable baby boy

**bowled over by cuteness

Lay’s Beer Cheese Chips Will Pair Perfectly With Beer

(Getty/PeteerS/Lays)

Beer cheese is something close to a sacrament in the midwest. Thought to have originated in Kentucky, the famous dairy concoction has a consistency varying between that of nacho cheese and thick cream cheese, and has traveled far and wide across the region, gathering a cult-like fanbase who swear by specific ingredients and methods that make it “perfect.”

Now, in what will surely cause an uproar of either joy or disgust, Lay’s is releasing this unique cheesy experience as their newest flavor in their line of kettle cooked chips.

The sharpness of the cheese is tampered by the slight bitterness of the distinct beer flavor, much like how the dairy balances our sour cream & cheddar-flavored chips, creating a distinct flavor that is all its own.

Will some beer cheese purists scoff at such sacrilege? Of course.

Will beer enthusiasts take issue with it? Probably not.

It’s beer, cheese, and chips: the three primary food groups of any self-respecting person with high cholesterol. It’s hard to stay mad at something as delicious as that.

Check out this shining review by Andy Kryza over at Thrillist:

“Lay’s has created something close to magic here, and the chip would easily crack the top five all-timers were it a permanent addition to the roster. The cheese is sharp, but that sharpness mellows out quickly, much in the way the Cheddar & Sour Cream flavor tamps down its fake cheese notes with some cool dairy powder. But this somehow tastes less processed, with the beer flavor adding a slight hint of bitterness that makes this one of the most unique and addictive of the offerings. This should be a permanent fixture in the chip aisle.”

Sounds like I’ll need to pick up a six-pack.

Lays Beer Cheers Kettle Chips
(Lays)

Chicago River Dyed “Green Screen” Green and Twitter Took Advantage [WATCH]

(Twitter/kintarasu/TwoClawsMedia/ParkerMolloy)

As per tradition, the winding Chicago River was dyed green for St. Patrick’s Day, but whoever is in charge of the emerald dye really upped the ante this year. It was so green, in fact, that anyone with some decent video editing chops could transform the body of water into whatever their goofy mind could come up with.

People on Twitter did their best to outdo one another regarding what bizarre things they could key onto the liquidy green screen and the results were pretty damn great.