You have to admire the creators of crazy bootleg toys. Sure, they could make near-perfect replicas of popular toys to sell on the streets and in discount stores, but instead, they make bold, bizarre choices that are left completely unexplained.
For instance, making Thomas the Tank Engine a different color might have been good enough, but no… he’s also a giant Transformer with cannons for arms now because of course he is.
Yes, we could have given you a fun list of all the nostalgic retro toys you know and love, but why would we do that when we could show you the…
1. NEW STYLE NINJA TORTOISE
Stop playing with those old-fashioned Ninja Turtles and grab yourself the NINJA TORTOISE.
Sure, a tortoise is a land-dwelling creature and will probably be completely useless in the New York sewer system, but these guys have a rad ‘S’ on their belts, which obviously stands for “Style” (which is “new,” if you missed that up top).
Collect all four:
- Blue mask – “Leonar-nope”
- Purple mask – “Don’t-atello”
- Red mask – “Rafa-hell-no”
- Orange mask – “Maya Angelou”
2. “MR. T” MIGHTY CAR
I love it when a plan comes together to create a Frankenstein-like vehicular monstrosity featuring Mr. T.
Yes, you’ll need 3 “C” batteries to get this alternate universe A-Team star up and running, but be careful. He’s armed to the actual human teeth with both a submachine gun and a battle ax so you’re a target at any distance.
“I pity the fool who made me,” he says, most likely referring to Sid from Toy Story.
You ever wonder what would have happened if the infamous ocean liner Titanic hadn’t sunk?
Would we even know about it today? What would all of those people done with the rest of their lives? And, most importantly, how would the Autobots utilize the ship in their fight against the Decepticons?
Wonder no longer, friends.
This bad boy actually floats in its boat form and, in its robot form, wields two pickaxes roughly the size of a city block—perfect for getting sweet, sweet revenge on a certain iceberg in the North Atlantic.
With all the different Spider-Man reboots over the years, a big change was expected sooner or later. This, however, was something we did not anticipate.
Spader-Man—presumably played by the illustrious James Spader—was a bold move by Marvel’s development team. It’s hard to know how exactly they plan on roping the casting change into the ongoing story; not to mention how the hell 58-year-old James Spader is going to fit in a red and blue spandex suit made for a high school student.
Not for us to know, I suppose…
5. BATBOT CHANGER
It’s ridiculous how much money Bruce Wayne wasted on boring projects when he could have been turning the Batmobile into a freaking Transformer.
He could be speeding down the highway and, at the press of a button, WHAM. He’s suddenly ready to fight Voltron or Godzilla or the Power Rangers’ Megazord.
Yes, we know none of those characters have ever attacked Gotham to begin with, but look at his knees! He has MISSILES on his KNEES, people. Who wouldn’t want that?!
6. ADVENTURE MAN
Look, I get that this guy is taking a page out of Rambo’s playbook with the whole “bazooka, bandana, and shirtless” vibe. But look at those eyes. He’s clearly seen some shit.
7. STAR KNIGHT
I’m all for making sure the police are adequately equipped to serve and protect their communities but I have yet to hear about a single precinct that requires a Sith Lord to fight crime.
First of all, slicing off limbs and choking people with your mind is always going to be considered police brutality. Not to mention, Darth Vader has a pretty long track record of killing his subordinates. Name one commissioner who would want to deal with that loose cannon.
Keep the “Force” out of the police force, please.
8. SPECIAL MAN
Superman is awesome. His long list of superpowers makes him one of the most powerful heroes in comic book history and he’s the poster child for “truth, justice, and the American way.”
Special Man, however, while sharing the general look and iconic suit, is clearly a downgrade from the Man of Steel. His sad bubble cast packaging and cheaply painted ‘S’ only suggest mediocrity in all the other areas, too.
Does he have super strength? No, but he’s, like, super strong emotionally. Can he fly? Not by himself, but he’s a Delta Diamond Medallion member. Can he freeze things with his breath? No, but he made a damn good batch of popsicles yesterday.
9. NIGHTMARE FREDDY
Compared to all of the other bootleg toys on this list, you might think ol’ Nightmare Freddy looks pretty good—solid packaging, nice artwork, relatively accurate design.
Look closer, though, and you see the cracks.
First, this Freddy must be raking in some serious cash with those clawed fingers because his leather razor glove is apparently gold now? And why is Freddy wearing a short-sleeved sweater in the artwork? I didn’t even realize that was a thing.
And to top it all off, the guy is wearing women’s loafers?!
All in favor of rebranding this guy “Fashion-Nightmare Freddy,” say aye.