Heads-up! The following post contains no End Game spoilers but does reference Infinity War. 

We made it, baby. After 22 Marvel movies, we’ve finally reached end game. Not just any end game. Marvel’s The Avengers: End Game. The antagonist of which is the one dad we’ve been so anxious to take our fat red marker to: Thanos.

SPOILER NON-WARNING: Relax. This edition of Dad Grades will only contain plot points from Avengers: Infinity War. We assume you’ve seen this. There are no End Game spoilers within.

Onward. Thanos. Purple guy.

STRENGTHS

“Strength” is a funny word. Sometimes it can mean finding the courage to admit to a loved one you have a gambling problem. Maybe strength is pulling the trigger on that swimsuit photo you’ve always wanted to post. Sometimes strength is punching really hard. Thanos is the third thing.

Gamora’s dad is capable of great strength. He stands at a hulking 8 feet. That’s almost as tall as the Hulk! According to the Marvel Dictionary, Thanos is at least Class 100 strength, enabling him to lift over 100 tons. Blue whales weigh 115 tons, and that’s the largest mammal to ever exist. It doesn’t get much stronger than that. One would assume, however, Thanos is the kind of dude who grunts and drops the blue whale.

With your knees, Thanos!

Oh, and lest we forget that whole Infinity Stone glove shit. Wiping out half the population with a mere snap of the fingers? Major strength. Cheating, but a strength nonetheless.

However, this is The Dad, so we’re seeking out strengths of non-physical nature. How does Thanos stack up against other fictional dads in terms of paternal instinct? Is he a good provider? Does he lead by example? Is he patient? Ope, he just threw his daughter off a cliff.

WEAKNESSES

Alright. Welp. That about wraps it up for this edition of Dad Grades. Really no recourse for this guy, having done that. We’re gonna give a hard and fast “no” to throwing your kid off a cliff, even if a stipulation for procuring an Infinity Stone is the sacrifice a loved one.

Nope, not even if you shed a tear afterward.

You just don’t do that, pal.

We could easily make light of this. Sure, we could allude his cameo in the first Avenger’s credits and joke about him not showing up until the very end of young Gamora’s piano recitals.

We could probably get in a shot or two at this pathetic excuse for a dad chair.

Or maybe said something to the effect of,

“And you thought it was scary when your parents snapped at you.”

But we’re taking the high ground here. Flinging your child off some big pointy rock is never okay. We’re done here.

VERDICT

You were probably expecting us to find some silly, roundabout way of heaping praise upon this guy, huh. Think again. We already gave Homer Simpson, beloved TV icon and verifiable child-strangler, our lowest grade possible. But a simple F isn’t enough for the unforgivable act of chucking your daughter to her rocky death. We’re gonna have to go much cruel than F.

FINAL GRADE: THE AVENGERS (THE BAD 1998 ONE)

Check out our previous Dad Grades when we ranked the best and worst fathers on Game of Thrones.

It’s official – A Wisconsin city has made it illegal to throw snowballs.

“No person shall throw or shoot any object, arrow, stone, snowball or other missile or projectile, by hand or by any other means, at any other person,” states the municipal code in Wausau.

Wisconsin town has outlawed throwing snowballs https://t.co/toCv5c9xVJ pic.twitter.com/B91Ut5Z2VL

— New York Post (@nypost) December 4, 2019

That’s right. Snowballs are officially on par with stones, arrows, and missiles when it comes to lethality, folks. To really make sure there are no grey areas, the ordinance goes on to specify that snowballs cannot be thrown “at, in or into any building, street, sidewalk, alley, highway, park, playground or other public place within the city.”

I guess that means this classic scene from the Christmas classic, Elf (2003), should come with a trigger warning now:

“It’s really in the interest of public safety,” Wausau Mayor Robert B. Mielke told WCCO in regards to the ruling, which he actually introduced years ago. “A lot of it is just consideration and common sense. You don’t throw stuff at people, period.”

Well, you also don’t call people “buttholes,” so I guess every single 8-year-old deserves to go to jail, too.

Look, tossing snowballs in the wintertime is about as wholesome as it gets. Hell, I’d put my money on it being displayed in a Norman Rockwell painting somewhere. I’m all about keeping people safe, but this is, coincidentally, not cool at all.

We can only assume Mayor Rob was the victim of a brutal snowballing sometime during childhood and has made it his life goal to put an end to it once and for all.

Thankfully, the local police cannot recall any arrests due to rogue snowball throwing so it seems like Mayor kill-joy might be the only one on his anti-snowball campaign. So, if you find yourself in Wausau, Wisconsin, pack in a nice, round ball of snow and sling it at someone you care about. Show the local establishment that we won’t stand for this blatant attack on fun.

Not sure if you’ve heard (like, a jillion times), but the holidays are coming. No pressure or anything, but finding the perfect gifts for your kids is kinda important this time of year. Luckily, we’ve put together a dad-approved list, so you can get in, get out, and be the holiday hero.

Here are some of our (and more importantly, our kids’) faves:

Toys

GUND Peek-A-Boo Teddy Bear

Remember Teddy Ruxpin? This is like his softer, cuddlier, way-less-creepy cousin. This bear not only raises his arms and actually peek-a-boos, but he also talks! Babies and toddlers are fascinated — which means you have time for a game or two of Madden.

$19.99 AT AMAZON

Magna-Tiles Clear Colors 100 Piece Set

Jesse Pinkman’s favorite toy is a classic, 100-piece set, featuring 3D magnetic building tiles that let kids create all sorts of shapes and structures, and spark imaginative play. Best of all for you, they don’t hurt like hell when you step on them. “Yeah, bitch! Magnets!” 

$19.95 AT AMAZON

Dyson Toy Vacuum

It’s never too early to teach ’em to clean up after themselves (or to fall in love with things that go vroom). As an added bonus, this miniature Dyson replica actually works on tiny messes.

$26.99 AT AMAZON

WowWee Pinkfong Baby Shark Official Song Puppet

We know, we know. Baby Shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo, drives you to drink, doo doo doo doo doo doo. But the kids love the freaking thing, and this puppet actually sings the song when you move its mouth. Pro tip: the faster you move your hand, the faster it sings…and the faster it’s over.

$14.88 AT AMAZON

Mansalee Coin Stealing Panda Piggy Bank

This bank encourages kids to save their money. (Or to not trust pandas. Both are useful tips.) Every time they place a coin on the circle, that darn panda pops up and grabs it. Maybe his dad never told him money doesn’t grow on bamboo trees.

$13.98 AT AMAZON

Little Tikes TotSports Easy Hit Golf Set

Golfing with your kid is one of those iconic joys of fatherhood. Here’s a good way to plant the seed early. This mini-sized set is perfect fore the next generation of PGA stars.

$21.99 AT AMAZON

Frozen Disney Elsa, Anna, & Olaf Deluxe Fashion Doll Set

Just when you thought it was time to Let It Go…Frozen 2 is here, and it’s starting all over again. These Anna and Elsa dolls are wearing dresses from the sequel, and our boy Olaf is there too. That little weirdo is always there.

$59.99 AT AMAZON

LeapFrog Scoop & Learn Ice Cream Cart

Your toddler’s probably screaming anyway, so at least now you can pretend they’re screaming for ice cream. This interactive ice cream cart teaches colors and numbers and plays music to dance to.

$29.82 AT AMAZON

 

Skyrocket Blume Doll

$9.88 AT AMAZON

LEGO Harry Potter Hogwarts Kit

150 points for Gryffindor when your little Muggles assemble this Hogwarts LEGO set. It comes with 800+ pieces to build the Great Hall, and 10 of their favorite characters, including Harry, Ron, Hermione, Draco, Hagrid, Dumbledore, and Nearly Headless Nick. It’s LEGO, so of course, all pieces also come with a Crucio spell (immense pain) when you step on them.

$99.95 AT AMAZON

Untamed T-Rex by Fingerlings

Will dino-obsessed kids love having this tiny T-Rex attached to their finger all day long? You bet Jurassic they will.

$14.99 AT AMAZON

Outdoor Games

Spikeball 3 Ball Kit

You’ve seen this at the beach and been like WTF is that, right? Spikeball is a super-fun 2-on-2 indoor/outdoor game that’s sort of live volleyball on a trampoline. Or something like that. The kids will love it.

$59.99 AT AMAZON

WisToyz Kids Toys Hover Soccer Ball Set

Because they can never get enough soccer, this indoor LED-light up floating ball glides easily over any smooth surface, like low-pile carpet or hardwood. Bonus: You don’t have to sit on the sidelines with those screaming maniacs for 2 hours!

$25.95 AT AMAZON

Nerf N-Strike Elite Trilogy DS-15 Toy Blaster

This Trilogy blaster fires 3 darts at once (get it? Trilogy?) with a pump-action, so there’s no need for batteries.

$34.88 AT WALMART

Games & Puzzles

Catan Junior

Catan Junior has everything that grown-ups love, but it’s slightly less complicated for kids. Prepare for swashbucklers, hideouts, a Spooky Island, and a mysterious Ghost Captain. (And don’t forget to let the kids play!)

$23.99 AT AMAZON

ThinkFun Gravity Maze Marble Run Logic Game

This combination logic game, marble run, and STEM toy helps kids develop spatial reasoning and planning skills. It’s got 60 challenges from beginner to expert, a game grid, 9 towers, 1 target piece, and 3 marbles.

$29.95 AT AMAZON

Ravensburger Children’s World Globe 

This 3-D globe puzzle is the perfect introduction to world geography for little explorers. Each continent piece is chunky and easy for little hands to grasp, and it helps convince them early on that learning can actually be fun!

$16.49 AT AMAZON

Activity Kits

VTech DigiArt Creative Easel

A digital easel is way cooler than the original — and way easier to clean. This fun gadget comes with a special pen that helps kids learn their alphabet, numbers, and shapes through light up features on the board. There are over 100 objects to draw, with super-helpful instructions. 

$61.98 AT AMAZON

NATIONAL GEOGRAPHIC Mega Crystal Growing Lab

Crystals are just always cool. This STEM chemistry kit lets your kid magically grow their own formations in 8 different colors, while instilling a love of science.

$29.99 AT AMAZON

ALEX Discover My Giant Busy Box

With play dough, stickers, and craft supplies (and other stuff too) this preschool box is an imagination-filled way to keep kids entertained for a while. They’ll totally make a mess, but it’s worth it.

$19.35 AT AMAZON

Tech

Nintendo Switch

The Nintendo Switch is an amazing on-the-go gaming system that can also be used at home. It switches between handheld, table mode, and TV mode (just dock it in its station), and even has a touch screen. Technically, it’s for kids…but whatever.

$299.00 AT AMAZON

SISIGAD Hoverboard

Our Back To The Future dreams are starting to come true! This light-up LED hoverboard comes with a built-in wireless speaker, too, so how far away can self-drying jackets be?

$147.99 AT AMAZON

LEGO Boost Creative Toolbox

LEGO + robots = 🤯🤯🤯. This set comes with 800+ pieces that can be turned into five different robotic toys, including Vernie the Robot, Frankie the Cat, Guitar 4000, and Auto Builder. They have sensor technology and motor capabilities, and there’s a handy step by step guide — in case your motor capabilities can’t figure out how to put ’em together.

$159.95 AT AMAZON

BONAOK Wireless Bluetooth Karaoke Microphone

This rose gold karaoke mic is compatible with BlueTooth devices, so an iPhone, Android, iPad, etc. can all function as a speaker. Old Town Road never sounded so good. 🙄

$31.99 AT AMAZON

Osmo – Creative Kit for iPad

OK, imagine drawing a monster or something…and then animating it! That’s what kids can do with Osmo’s creative kit. Osmo is known for its line of STEM activities for kids at different levels of development, and this is one of the most fun ones in the whole collection.

$149.95 AT AMAZON

Clothes, Accessories & Home Decor

Star Wars Chewbacca Mittens

Well, Wookie what we have here! Warm, fuzzy, Chewbacca-themed mittens that look great, and keep their hands toasty — even on a trip to Hoth. [Insert Chewie roar]

$12.95 AT AMAZON

Star Wars BB-8 Reversible Beanie Hat for Kids

This BB-8 beanie will keep your kiddo warm, while looking cool. Poe and Rey’s little droid buddy has the perfect shape to fit on any kid’s head, and the hat is reversible so when it (inevitably) gets stained, you can just reverse it to look good as new.

$14.95 AT AMAZON

Orolay Child Hooded Down Coat

OK, maybe clothing isn’t at the top of your kid’s list, but this coat should be. These super-warm down-filled jackets are made of windproof and water-resistant fabric and feature a warm fleece-lined hood. Perfect for sledding, snow angels, skiing, or any other winter fun they’re into.

$129.99 AT AMAZON

Cinema Light Box with Letters

This vintage-cinema-style lightbox is a great way to let your kid decorate their space in a unique, personal way. Comes with 192 letters, numbers, symbols, and 35 popular emojis. Maybe just be prepared for at least one version that says STAY OUT DAD ☠️.

$21.99 AT AMAZON

Books

D Is For Dad: An ABC Book For Kids…And Dads

THIS is the ABC he wants to read to the kids. C is for Cargo Shorts, F is for Finger Pulling, and O is for Oil checks. You may like it even more than they do.

$18.00 AT AMAZON

Laugh-Out-Loud Jokes for Kids

Let’s be honest, if they want to hear a joke, they should just come to the master. But if they’ve heard all of your gems about a million times, this book has a few alternatives — like 120+ pages of jokes that are appropriate for kids of all ages. It’s sold over three million copies so they must be almost as funny as all of yours.

4.99 AT AMAZON

The Wonderful Things You Will Be

OK, let’s end on a tearjerker. This classic children’s book belongs in every kid’s library, because it encourages them to be bold, yet kind, and nurture even the smallest things in life. It’s a loving read you can enjoy together, but it might get dust in your eyes or make your allergies act up.

10.29 AT AMAZON

“>Being a father has been the most trying and rewarding thing I’ve ever had the pleasure of doing. 

I first became a father quite young, just began college. My wife – girlfriend at the time – was in her senior year of high school. I struggled to keep up with raising a son, going to school and working to support our newborn son.

My dad has always been the strong silent type, if he spoke you better listen. I recall when I was freaking out about telling my parents I was dropping out of college to work full-time to support my family. My dad told me exact words, “This is life altering shit, take care of your family, there is no shame in doing that.”

I later went back and finished my degree, now, almost 19 years later my son is in his freshman year of college. It is so difficult to raise a well-adjusted kid to become an independent responsible adult. You get used to having them in the house and then they grow up and leave.

But, no worries, with 6 kids, yes 6, ranging from 18-3 years, two sets of twins. It’s rarely a dull moment, we all work together; I’d be lost on my own.

Parents ask me for tips, and I kinda got to think, okay what can I remember from some parenting book and honestly, never read any!

Seriously: just relax, kids just want you to be there, listen, make them laugh when they feel like crying. Basically, fake it ’til you make it! Kids are all different, what works for one will not work for all.

Biggest thing is to never give up on your kids, show them hard work pays off, family comes first.”

– Allen Vaughan

Want to share a story about fatherhood? Email [email protected]

Check out the previous editions of Father Figures here.

It was a simple photo of a sweet moment, and it went viral the moment it was shared. It was a simple tribute to a grandfather:

“My grandfather passed away today. Last night all he wanted to do was to have one last beer with his sons.”

My grandfather passed away today.

Last night all he wanted to do was to have one last beer with his sons. pic.twitter.com/6FnCGtG9zW

— Adam Schemm (@AdamSchemm) November 21, 2019

We shared it here at The Dad, and so did nearly 35,000 other people. The tweet was liked more than 300,000 times, as the moment resonated with people around the nation.

87-year old Norbert Schemm passed away from stage 4 colon cancer and the poignant photo was shared by his grandson Adam. He told USA Today the moment was too good not to share with the world.

“It just seemed like a really good family moment and you can kind of see the look and the smile on his face,” he said. “I can tell my grandfather’s smiling, at least trying to. They all are accepting what’s going to happen but they really cherish this last moment that meant a lot to them.”

He said he didn’t expect the crazy response to the photo and that he’s enjoyed talking about his grandfather, who has been described as a kind, strong, hardworking, and loving person. The tweet has generated dozens of responses from other people sharing similar stories of their sweet last moments with loved ones.

One of his sons told a Wisconsin newspaper that it was a fitting end for his dad.

“Everybody that he touched, that knew him, he left an impact,” he said. “And being able to go out this way, it’s just unbelievable.”

OK, fellas, this is our time to shine. Your wife shops for everyone else on the list, so it’s our job to make sure she’s getting what she wants! From gadgets to jewelry to beauty to kitchen stuff (🚨 ALERT 🚨: Do NOT just give kitchen stuff) we’ve pulled together a guide that’ll keep her feeling merry and bright. Go ahead and pretend it was all your idea. Your secret’s safe with us.

Tech

Apple AirPods With Charging Case

AirPods are tiny, super sleek, and pack a powerful punch. These wireless wonders are the perfect accessory for commutes, workouts, or just tuning out the thousands of requests she gets every day.

$144.00 AT AMAZON

Tapology Wine Ventilator

If you know a mom who likes to get her drank on, this is a great gift. It’s an aerator that brings out a wine’s full flavors, and it fits a full bottle of wine, so there’s enough for her to share with you. Or maybe not.

$79.99 AT TARGET

Ring Video Doorbell with HD Video

Ring is the doorbell we imagined when we watched the Jetsons. It’s a motion sensor, a video camera, a microphone and a speaker, and can be accessed from phones, tablets, and other devices. It even has infared night vision — which just sounds so badass. Ring can even be connected to Alexa so she can tell visitors to go away if the kids are sleeping!

$99.00 AT AMAZON

Wellness

23andMe DNA Testing Kit: Ancestry and Health

Sure, as far as you’re concerned, she fell out of heaven — but maybe she wants to learn more about where she really came from. 23andMe’s DNA testing kit traces ancestry (and health history) so it’s a fun way to learn about your history, and a wellness reminder.

$99.00 AT AMAZON

Renpho Shiatsu Foot Massager With Heat

There’s nothing like a foot massage. This splurge-worthy gadget is a powerful deep-kneading massager, but it’s quiet enough to use while she’s reading or binge-watching. There are customizable settings and a remote control, too. Plus, you get all the credit, without having to actually touch her feet! Unless that’s your thing.

$109.99 AT AMAZON

HemingWeigh Natural Himalayan Salt Lamp

Ladies love lights and candles. It’s a proven scientific fact.* A Himalayan salt lamp’s warm, soft glow is an iconic symbol of tranquility and supposedly decreases stress. That’s why it’s a staple of spas all over the world.

*More of a sweeping generalization, actually, and not at all a proven scientific fact

$44.99 AT AMAZON

Brita 20 Ounce Premium Filtering Water Bottle

It’s 2019 and no one’s interested in tossing more plastic into landfills. That’s why all earth-friendly moms need a Brita filtrating water bottle. A single filter can replace up to 300 standard-size plastic bottled waters, and it looks pretty great, too. Sustainability has never been so stylish.

$34.99 AT AMAZON

SLIP Silk Pillowcase

Silk pillowcases are super trendy right now. Regular ol’ cotton cases can scratch and tug at skin and hair, creating premature stretching, sleep creases, and bedhead, but silk cases reduce split ends, hydrate facial skin, and even help make blowouts last longer. (Not the diaper kind. The other one.)

$85.00 AT SEPHORA

Home

Gold Cocktail Shaker Set

Cocktails, anyone? This bright and trendy shaker is gold with a weighted bottom, making it not just functional, but beautiful. So please don’t try the throw-it-behind-the-back-like-Tom-Cruise-in-Cocktail thing when she’s not around. At least not too often.

$16.99 AT AMAZON

Wine Glass Baby Mama Shark Needs a Drink Novelty Glass

This f*cking song. It drives us all to drink (do, do, do, do, do, do) anyway, so she might as well be able to get a laugh out of it.

$12.95 AT AMAZON

Ceramic Pineapple Essential Oil Diffuser

Essential oils are having a moment right now, and if a stressed-out mom is going to diffuse some calming scents, she should do it in style. This pineapple-shaped beauty diffuses a more fine, uniform mist, and it also cycles through seven soothing colors and has an automatic shut-off, so that’s one less thing for her to think about.

$34.99 AT AMAZON

OTOTO BLADE Knife Sharpener

Whether you’re on board for Tesla’s new futuristic Cybertruck or think it’s just laughably weird, people can’t seem to stop talking about it. It’s been the subject of jokes, memes, and thousands of internet searches, and now it’s even somewhere you probably didn’t expect: Goldeneye 007 for the Nintendo 64.

YouTuber Graslu00 shared gameplay of the classic N64 shooter and thanks to a little modding magic, Bond stumbles across both the Cybertruck and Tesla CEO Elon Musk (we still aren’t quite sure what Elon was doing on the streets of St. Petersburg at this time of night but he seems to be holding his own).

Booting up the ‘Streets’ level, the player casually strolls over to where the tank usually sits and instead finds Elon accompanied by the Cybertruck in all her low-polygonal glory. The best part is that it all kind of works. Sure, the Tesla CEO’s face is all sorts of distorted (like all faces in the game) but the Cybertruck looks pretty spot-on for what we thought a high-tech car from the future would look like back in the ‘90s.

Hell, Bond even takes damage through the car just like he would if he drove the actual “bulletproof” stage model from Tesla’s unveiling event. Realistic!

But who needs bulletproof windows when you can launch tank shells during a leisurely drive through the city, right? Maybe Tesla should take a page out of this modder’s handbook and add some MI6-level firepower to their electro-truck.

Late-night host Jimmy Kimmel has added another title to his entertainment resume: children’s author. Kimmel wrote and illustrated a children’s book, The Serious Goose, which is on sale now. And Kimmel had a good reason behind his literary foray: he’s donating all the proceeds to children’s hospitals across the country.

“I thought writing a children’s book would be a very easy thing. I look through them, there are, like, 13 words in the whole book. What’s hard about this? But I also decided to illustrate it,” Kimmel told People Magazine. “What really took more time than anything was the lettering. As I was writing the word ‘goose’ for the thousandth time in a row, I regretted that.”

The story is about a Serious Goose that needs help from kids to cheer up. Kimmel said the inspiration came from trying to cheer up his daughter when she was younger. Donating the proceeds was an easy decision for Kimmel, who wanted to give back to hospitals like the one who cared for his son when he had to have multiple heart surgeries in his early months.

Kimmel told Entertainment Weekly that he wanted to do something big for the hospitals.

“Those hospitals, the work they do, and how under-appreciated they are, is actually shocking to me. It’s great to raise awareness and money. No matter what side you’re on, [who] doesn’t support donating to children’s hospitals?” he said.

And if you really need a review, at least his kids like The Serious Goose.

My new book #TheSeriousGoose comes out TODAY, so we hid cameras in my office and I read it to my kids… All the money I make goes to children’s hospitals so buy it here! #GivingTuesday https://t.co/ukeXOxIMPM pic.twitter.com/P0CLNg2XOB

— Jimmy Kimmel (@jimmykimmel) December 3, 2019

You can grab a copy of the book here.

Just a heads up, if you buy stuff using the provided links, The Dad may collect a small commission.

Before the new trilogy was born, before the prequels were released, before Greedo shot first and ruined our childhoods, the most maligned aspect of the beloved Star Wars universe was probably the Ewoks.

Those cuddly teddy bears who suddenly found themselves key players in a galactic civil war seemed a tad out of place, and to the more cynical among us, felt like a blatant play for merchandising. Not that Lucasfilm needed any help in that department.

The new trilogy, shepherded by Kathleen Kennedy and JJ Abrams, is no stranger to merchandising (Star Wars mascara, anyone?), and has had its share of cutesy characters, from BB-8 to The Last Jedi’s porgs. But despite bringing back nearly every other beloved character from the original trilogy, including C-3P0, R2D2, Admiral Ackbar (Rest In Power), and Lando Carlissian, it has thus far been devoid of Wicket and his Endor friends.

Until now. Maybe.

In the new behind the scenes featurette teasing The Rise of Skywalker’s release,and the end of the saga that started 40+ years ago, eagle-eyed viewers can spot actor Warwick Davis in full costume as Wicket the Ewok, leading many to speculate that the adorable forest dwellers will return. Maybe they’ll once more play an integral part in dismantling the evil Empire’s (sorry, First Order) grip on the galaxy!

It’s not exactly definitive; Davis might have been dressing as Wicket for any number of reasons, but it’s enough to get the rumor mill churning.

Take a look, and let us know: Do you want the Ewoks to return? Should Disney+ give Wicket his own show? Is it time for an Ewok Jedi?

“Episode 9 will be the conclusion of a story over 40 years in the making.” See #StarWars: #TheRiseOfSkywalker in theaters December 20. pic.twitter.com/i7658f5iFs

— Star Wars (@starwars) November 29, 2019

For years, I’ve been training my children to regard advertisements as lies. “They’re just trying to trick you,” I tell them. They don’t see quite as many as we used to, thanks to streaming, but despite streaming’s workarounds and their fealty to my teachings, they still occasionally fall prey to a slick ad. But even they know those new Peloton ads are bullshit. And so does everyone else.

Peloton makes indoor exercise bikes with built-in TV screens so you can experience the joys of having a personal trainer yell at you from the comfort of your own home. The company has already been widely mocked for their commercials featuring their $2000 bikes being situated in luxurious, impractical locations inside enormous, impractical homes, and now their latest ad is being trashed all across social media.

Love putting my Peloton bike in the most striking area of my ultra-modern $3 million house

— Clue Heywood (@ClueHeywood) January 28, 2019

In the commercial, it’s before dawn on Christmas morning, and the camera moves through a house as a voice can be heard admonishing someone for thinking Christmas was a day off of exerc– wait, I’m sorry, it’s a different Christmas Peloton ad that is causing the uproar. That’s the other Peloton ad I hate. at least that one isn’t sexist, it’s just obnoxious as all get-out.

The ad in question features a young, obviously thin and clearly fit woman waking up on Christmas morning to learn that her beloved husband has gifted her the high-end exercise bike because she could still afford to lose a couple of pounds? The ad goes on to show the subservient wife’s gratefulness for her husband’s gift, and for the motivation he’s provided her towards improving her life by getting into shape.

“5 days in a row, can you believe it?” As a matter of fact, I can believe it, because it’s blatantly obvious that you work out ALL the time! I mean, you have a child and you’re thinner than the guy who got cursed by a gypsy in that movie.

As the ad continues, she documents her journey with the bike on social media, and then shows her husband a video diary she made of her experience with the Peloton, telling him she “didn’t realize how much this would change [her].” Over the course of the thirty-second ad, she has gone from being ridiculously model-thin to being ridiculously model-thin, slightly more sweaty, and even more subservient to her smug, silent husband.

Check it out:

Blessed be the fruit!

The backlash, decrying the ad as sexist – guys, don’t buy your girl an exercise machine -and promoting unhealthy body image, was swift and intense. Some reports suggest the company’s stock price fell as much as 10%, and a piece on Unilad claims they lost $942 million in one day!

As you might have guessed, the social media takes have been brutal.

The only way to enjoy that Peloton ad is to think of it as the first minute of an episode of Black Mirror

— Jess Dweck (@TheDweck) December 2, 2019

Clue Haywood, the Twitter user who made his name mocking the company’s last ad campaign, even felt obligated to chime in:

Look I don’t want to be “The Peloton Ad Guy” anymore but the newest commercial about the vlogging 116 lb woman’s YEARLONG fitness journey to becoming a 112 lb woman who says “I didn’t realize how much this would change me” is just ri-god-damn-diculous. Come on.

— Clue Heywood (@ClueHeywood) November 25, 2019

It’s clear that the commercial, intended to promote a “wellness and fitness journey” didn’t quite hit the mark. And it’s safe to say that the general holiday vibe wasn’t what most viewers took away.

A Peloton ad has made clear
Just what it can do in a year.
The Pelaton wife
Has a beautiful life
And a general aura of fear.

— Limericking (@Limericking) December 3, 2019

Comedian Eva Victor gets the last word with her note-perfect rendition of how such a gift would really go down:

when my husband gets me a Peleton for Christmas …….. pic.twitter.com/Z2d3ewMhPu

— Eva Victor (@evaandheriud) December 2, 2019