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Dad Grades: The Dads From Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory

By The Dad
(Paramount)

♪ Come with me
And you’ll be
In a wooorld where we take dads and grade them ♪

Welcome to the Dad Grades for the two dads from Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory.

HENRY SALT

(Paramount)

Meet Mr. Salt. Mr. Salt has a daughter, nay, a demon named Veruca. She is demanding, greedy, and impatient. You’re probably thinking, but wait, isn’t that most kids? Okay. Listen. We’re sure your toddler is a handful in the toy aisle, but we’re talking unprecedented levels of entitlement here. Observe:

Amazing. She was such an unlikable child that she plummeted into a furnace and no one showed an iota of concern. How did she get this way? Look no further than the register in the back of daddy’s checkbook.

(Paramount)

Henry Salt is quite possibly the biggest pushover ever committed to film stock. He’s a man of wealth, fully convinced that a child’s love can and should be purchased. He owns a nut factory, although this is initially unclear, as the workers are instead tasked with unwrapping thousands of Wonka Bars until a golden ticket is found.

We’ve yet to see paternal incompetence of this nature. Frank Costanza may shout, and Thanos may halve humankind with the snap of a finger, but we’ve yet to see a dad compromise his own livelihood in order to briefly sate his insatiable brat of a daughter. As he says in the book:

“As soon as my little girl told me that she simply had to have one of those Golden tickets, I went out into the town and started buying up all the Wonka bars I could lay my hands on. Thousands of them, I must have bought. Hundreds of thousands!”

Pathetic. We’re big advocates of keeping your kid happy, but a spoiling of this magnitude can bring about significant developmental issues, including social isolation and low self-esteem. Put the checkbook down and learn to braid hair or something, pal.

SAM BEAUREGARDE

(Paramount)

Also along for the tour is Sam Beauregarde. Sam is a local politician and car dealership owner. Clearly an upstanding member of his community. His daughter is a disrespectful know-it-all named Violet. She’s obsessed with chewing gum.

Her insolence eventually gets the best of her when, despite Wonka’s half-hearted objection, she takes and chews a piece of experimental gum. Mr. Beauregarde then watches in abject horror as his daughter rapidly transforms into a human blueberry.


We’d love to chalk this bizarre fate up to shitty parenting, but we can’t. From what we see of Sam Beauregarde, he appears to be a friendly, generally likable man. This affability could be disingenuous given his background as both a politician and used car salesman, but we’ll let that slide for now. I mean, what other dad is this encouraging about career ambitions in gum-chewing?


None. No dad is excited about that because that’s not a career anyone goes into. Or exists. It’d take a pretty solid dad to entertain such foolish aspirations for so long. This is a guy who loves seeing his kid happy, and he doesn’t have to leverage his wealth to do so. That fact alone makes him the superior Wonka Tour Dad.

FINAL GRADES

MR. BEAUREGARDE: D
MR. SALT: B

Check out our previous edition where we graded George McFly from Back to the Future.

Dad Gets Tattoo to Match Son’s Open-Heart Surgery Scar

By Mike Julianelle
Dad Gets Matching Scar Tattoo
(YouTube/Children's Heart Surgery Fund)

Parenthood requires sacrifice, forcing us to give up things that used to make us happy, from free time and peace of mind to gym time and going to the movies.

It also makes us do some pretty drastic things, from spending a fortune on daycare to catching vomit with your hands, and we do most of them with a smile. Even if it’s a begrudging one.

At the end of the day, the most important thing is our kids’ happiness and well-being.

One dad in England is showing just how much he cares for his son with an act of touching solidarity.

Joey Watts, from Beverly, East Yorkshire, is just 6 years old, and he recently underwent life-saving heart surgery. Joey’s dad, Martin, told the BBC that after the surgery, his son was upset and understandably scared. Like any parent, Martin wanted to reassure his son and make him feel better.

So he offered to get a tattoo matching the fearsome-looking scar Joey has on his chest as a result of the operation, so they “could go through it together.” Martin wanted to show his son that “there was nothing to be ashamed of.”

Joey has something called supravalvular aortic stenosis, which required open-heart surgery to make it easier for the blood to travel from his heart to the rest of his body. Such a condition and procedure are not easy things for anyone to face, especially not a kid as young as six, and Martin wanted his son to know that he should “be proud of what [he’s] come through.”

Sadly, Joey’s younger brother has the same condition and will also require the surgery, but hopefully, his family’s matching scars will make things a little easier to bear. The Watts are supporting Children’s Heart Surgery Fund, which is encouraging people to share photos of their scars online.

Minnesota Man Uses Dad Bod to Put New Spin on the Bottle Cap Challenge

By Devin Holdraker
(Facebook/Devin Lusk)

Unless you’ve managed to avoid all social media for the past few weeks, chances are you’ve seen at least a few videos tagged #BottleCapChallenge. The original clip was posted by actor and all-around bad ass Jason Statham, but has since spread across the web with everyone from celebrities to average joe’s all putting their own spin on this trend.

Inside Edition recently shared a clip featuring several well-known athletes putting their own unique twist on Statham’s post.

Entertainment Tonight also shared a mashup of celebrities taking the challenge:


Rad dad Ryan Reynolds even ended up giving it a go:

But what about someone a little more relatable? What about a guy with a body that screams “I’m a dad, but I still got this.” Well, fear not! Devin Lusk has heeded the call and posted this amazing video on Facebook.


Bask in the glory as the latest in slow motion technology captures every fantastic frame. Soak in the sounds of Lusk skating by the bottle –his belly gently kissing the cap– freeing it from atop the bottle placed ever so close to the edge of their kitchen countertop.

The Dad reached out to Lusk to get the full story behind this viral sensation.

After arriving home from work, Lusk’s says his wife casually brought up the bottle cap challenge, asking if he’d seen Kylie Jenner or Jason Statham’s videos. “ I laughed like no I don’t keep up with that I could care less about a new challenge,” but always looking for the laugh, Lusk told her “Screw it let’s make one.”

While their two children, ages two and five, finished their dinner, Lusk says his wife grabbed her phone and he grabbed a Little Debbie snack cake and his skateboard, setting out to simply to make his family and friends laugh. What happened next is now part of internet history.

When he woke the next morning, his short, 10-second post had already been viewed over 2,200 times. “Later that day I left work at 7,000, did a 40-minute drive home and it was at 18,000.” The views continued to climb, now sitting at over 10,000,00 in just five days. The post, with over 230k shares and over 16k comments, took Lusk completely by surprise. “I was blown away,” adding “this is just awesome to me.”

What’s truly awesome to us is when regular dads set out to do extraordinary things. Things that remind us all that no matter our age or physique, we still got this.

There’s a Petition to Help Dad Get Spider-Man on 4-Yr-Old Son’s Headstone

By Devin Holdraker
(Facebook/Lloyd Jones)

Lloyd Jones’ son, Ollie, passed away after the 4-year-old lost his battle with a rare genetic disease.

His family celebrated Ollie’s life with a Spider-Man themed sendoff, complete with a horse-drawn carriage decorated in red and blue balloons. Wanting to further honor his brave little boy, Lloyd planned on having the superhero’s likeness etched onto Ollie’s headstone. The grieving father requested permission from the local council who then pointed him to the copyright owner – Disney.

“I felt sure they would allow it,” Lloyd told British newspaper Metro.

So when the media giant denied his request, citing their desire to preserve the “innocence and magic” of their characters, the UK dad was both disappointed and shocked.

The company responded in an email, telling the family: “We follow a policy that began with Walt Disney himself that does not permit the use of characters on headstones, cemetery or other memorial markers or funeral urns.”

Instead, the company offered to send the family a hand-painted, personalized drawing, with a message of thanks to Ollie for being a fan. “Although we cannot grant the family’s request, we would be pleased to commemorate your nephew with a hand-inked, hand-painted, personalized cel that recognizes his love for Spider-Man, which will read: ‘For your ——- (nephew’s name), Thank you for letting us share in the magic of your life.”

Lloyd’s brother, Jason, who had written the original request on behalf of his nephew, said the family was devastated. “This meant everything to us. My brother’s life has been shattered, it has shattered the whole family,” adding “We can’t move on until we have his headstone done – Spider-Man was Ollie’s entire life. He loved it so much.”

A Maidstone Borough Council spokeswoman said they would continue to do everything they could to assist the family in making their wish a reality, however, their hands are tied when it comes to issues such as this. “Sadly, these types of stones have to adhere to copyright and while we understand this is a very emotional time for the family we have made contact with Marvel to ensure the family are complying with their terms and conditions.”

An online petition has been started, with 72,000 individuals already signing support.

Level-Up Your Hygiene With Xbox Body Wash and Deodorant

By Devin Holdraker
xbox body wash
(Microsoft)

Even if you’re a serious gamer, chances are you haven’t been looking for a console-themed line of personal care products that truly represents your love of both gaming and personal hygiene.

Yet here they are.

Throw down those controllers and prepare to bask in the glory of Unilever’s new Xbox inspired body wash and deodorant. From the brand behind Axe body spray comes this fresh, yet somehow familiar line of neon green toiletries, sure to make you “pop” with swagger.

Unwind and relax with a bouquet of “pulsing green citrus, featuring top notes of kaffir lime and winter lemon, aromatic herbal middle notes of mint and sage, and woody bottom notes of patchouli and clearwood.” I know, you were wondering if it had patchouli, but rest assured these scent scientists knew exactly what gamers would want in a shower gel. The packaging even includes the tagline “Lift your game,” which is a sure-fire way to reassure its users that these bad boys are for real gamers only.

These sleek, yet somehow also toxic looking substances, are the result of a very real partnership between Microsoft and Unilever brands. “We see Xbox fans achieve incredible things every day, and we wanted to celebrate that elevated skill, passion and determination by creating something truly special,” said Tania Chee, business group lead for Xbox Australia.

The campaign has quite literally left video game aficionados speechless.


Before you go walking upstairs from the basement to ask your parents for an advance on your allowance, just slow your roll. These mean green cleaning machines are only available in Australia for the time being, so fans in the US will just have to shower with generic products that clearly stifle gaming performances.

Woody Harrelson Serves up an Impressive Performance at Wimbledon

By Mike Julianelle
Woody at Wimbledon
(Twitter/TylerRuinsTV)

Over the weekend, Wimbledon was the site of a legendary finals match between Roger Federer and Novak Djokovic. The five-set nail-biter culminated in an outrageous 13-12 tiebreaker, with Djokovic emerging victorious.

But the longest match in Wimbledon history wasn’t the most outrageous spectacle at the storied tennis center. That honor belongs to one of America’s most beloved celebrities, who attended the men’s doubles final on Saturday and captured the attention of the internet, merely by sitting, drinking, watching, and even at one point waiting to go back to his seat.

Woody Harrelson, of “Cheers,” White Men Can’t Jump, Natural Born Killers, The Hunger Games and countless more roles over the course of his 30+ year career, was in the stands Saturday, and social media couldn’t get enough of him.

At first, it was just exciting to see him there.


And then it was about his reactions to the match.


Soon, though, it became about the drinks he was enjoying as he watched.


There was even a bit of controversy when Woody left his seat mid-match and when he returned, the usher held him back as as not to distract the players.

Drama ensued!


Eventually, he made it back:


And all was right with the world. Although maybe not with Woody’s tongue?


For many, Woody was the primary reason to watch Wimbledon.

A good time was had by all. Hopefully even by Woody! Even after he learned of the online ruckus he’d caused.

Snoop Dogg Commits a 187 on the Bottle Cap Challenge

By Mike Julianelle
Snoop Dogg on the Bottle Cap Challenge
(Instagram/snoopdogg)

Every few weeks, some new fad takes over social media, whether it’s everyone jumping on the same meme, or taking videos dancing to the same song, or filming themselves flipping bottles.

Inevitably, these trends bubble up to the celebrity level and the next thing you know, everyone on social media is ooh-ing and aah-ing over Justin Bieber and the Kardashians doing the same stupid thing their anonymous friend did the week before.

Thankfully, not every celebrity falls prey to these insipid fads.

The latest such craze is the so-called bottle cap challenge, in which a bottle is placed in the foreground of a shot and someone – John Mayer, Mariah Carey – does some elaborate move before their foot swings over and swipes the cap off to open the bottle, all in slow motion. The trend has sucked everyone in.

 

View this post on Instagram

 

you asked for it @haileybieber …

A post shared by Kendall (@kendalljenner) on

Everyone except Snoop Dogg, who took to his own Instagram not to film a bottle cap challenge, but to trash the trend in an epic rant.

 

View this post on Instagram

 

New challenge.

A post shared by snoopdogg (@snoopdogg) on

He exclaims that he’s “sick of this fucking bottle shit…Quit fucking kicking tops off of bottles, you goofy motherfuckers. Who the fuck making up these dumbass challenges?”

The eternally cool rapper is clearly having fun with his rant, betraying his mood with a few sneaky smiles, before wrapping things up by suggesting a new challenge and then laughing as he turns off the video.

“Here’s the new challenge: Pick up a motherfucking phone and say ‘shut the fuck up, biuch.’ That’s the new challenge, motherfuckers. *Giggles*”

Somebody call the cops. The bottle cap challenge just got got.

Rare First Edition Harry Potter Expected to Fetch $40,000 at Auction

By Mike Julianelle
Rare 1st Edition of Harry Potter
(Hansons/SWNS)

Pro Tip: the next time your wife wants to drag you to a neighborhood yard sale on some lazy Saturday afternoon, maybe suck it up and go. It could net you a small fortune!

That’s what’s happening to a 54-year-old office worker who, some twenty years ago, was perusing someone’s yard sale and decided to spend a dollar or two on a book he thought might make a good summer read. The book was J.K. Rowling’s “Harry Potter and the Philosopher’s Stone,” the first installment in the Harry Potter series (the title was changed to “the Sorcerer’s Stone” in the United States), and it turns out it was one hell of an investment.

Turns out that his yard sale purchase is expected to net him some $37,000 at an auction this month.

The book was a first edition hardcover copy of the novel, which includes misspellings and typos, and is one of just 500 original copies that were printed in 1997. Jim Spencer, an expert on rare books for Hanson Auctioneers, who are handling the sale, called it “the Holy grail of Harry Potter books.”

“I thought nothing of it at the time,” said the current owner of the book. “I read the book… and then put it away in a cupboard for years. It’s so exciting to think that a holiday read could be worth so much now.”

Even in worn-out shape, the book is priceless to fans of the franchise. Unfortunately for the original seller, they didn’t realize what they had on their hands. Luckily, the 54-year-old office worker did.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I have some yard sales to get to.

Twitter Rallies Around Single Dad Who Asked Daughter for Fashion Advice

By Mark Chalifoux
#TwitterDad
(Twitter/saville_carliii)

Jeff Saville, a 56-year-old single dad in Texas had been looking forward to his big date all week. In an effort to look his best, he asked his 19-year-old daughter Carli for advice on what to wear. Jeff texted her some selfies showcasing a few outfit options, he was just looking for a little feedback – unaware he would find viral fame too.

Because unbeknownst to him, Carli had posted their text exchange on Twitter.


As it turns out Carli’s fashion advice was all for nothing. Jeff arrived at the restaurant but his dining companion never did. Sadly, he realized he had been stood up. Once his daughter learned about the date that wasn’t, she showed her dejected dad the groundswell of support that was building for him on Twitter.

Soon, he had thousands of well-wishers and dozens of date requests, as Twitter users everywhere tried to slide into his DMs to hook up their moms.


As #TwitterDad (yes, he has his own hashtag too) began gaining more steam, he even set up his own account and seems to be relishing his newfound internet fame and taking his dating mishap in stride.

Jason Momoa Gets Mocked for Having a Dad Bod That Clearly Isn’t One

By Mike Julianelle
Jason Momoa's Supposed "Dad Bod"
(Twitter/Kimclar21535869)

Last month, we shared a story about the popularity of dad bods. Based on a poll conducted by Planet Fitness, not only are men comfortable with having a dad bod, women seem to appreciate them. The poll even suggested that many women prefer a little paunch to a six-pack.

The results of the poll seemed dubious, but an incident that occurred last week perhaps sheds some light on what those women are thinking. Because I’m not sure the phrase dad bod means what everyone thinks it means. Like the time Tom Brady got called out for having a dad bod.

Well, you’ve heard of Jason Momoa, right? Khal Drogo, Conan the Barbarian, Aquaman? The dude is a hunk, there are no two ways about it. And in those roles, he has what one might understatedly refer to as the exact opposite of a dad bod. But he was recently spotted on vacation, taking a well-deserved break from inciting drool wherever he goes, and it seems he’s completely let himself go. I mean, just take a look at the once buff movie star having gone to vacation-based seed, and sporting his brand new dad bod.


Some people on the internet were not happy with his less-than-chiseled physique.

Quite obviously, those people are insane, and not only don’t know what a dad bod is – the dude might not have Aquaman’s abs, but he’s still in enviable shape – but they are engaging in harmful body shaming. That’s right, men aren’t immune to it either.

Thankfully, common sense prevailed and the rest of social media defended the star.



Promoting unrealistic expectations for how someone should look is harmful to both physical and psychological health. Something tells me that Momoa is unfazed, as he enjoys a relaxing vacation with wife Lisa Bonet, but that doesn’t mean it’s okay. Especially not when most of the people doing the mocking probably have no idea what it takes to maintain an action star physique.


Sometimes, the internet can leave a bad taste in your mouth. Thankfully there remain heroes who can succinctly end the conversation with one well-considered comment: