♪ Come with me
And you’ll be
In a wooorld where we take dads and grade them ♪

Welcome to the Dad Grades for the two dads from Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory.

HENRY SALT

Meet Mr. Salt. Mr. Salt has a daughter, nay, a demon named Veruca. She is demanding, greedy, and impatient. You’re probably thinking, but wait, isn’t that most kids? Okay. Listen. We’re sure your toddler is a handful in the toy aisle, but we’re talking unprecedented levels of entitlement here. Observe:

Amazing. She was such an unlikable child that she plummeted into a furnace and no one showed an iota of concern. How did she get this way? Look no further than the register in the back of daddy’s checkbook.

Henry Salt is quite possibly the biggest pushover ever committed to film stock. He’s a man of wealth, fully convinced that a child’s love can and should be purchased. He owns a nut factory, although this is initially unclear, as the workers are instead tasked with unwrapping thousands of Wonka Bars until a golden ticket is found.

We’ve yet to see paternal incompetence of this nature. Frank Costanza may shout, and Thanos may halve humankind with the snap of a finger, but we’ve yet to see a dad compromise his own livelihood in order to briefly sate his insatiable brat of a daughter. As he says in the book:

“As soon as my little girl told me that she simply had to have one of those Golden tickets, I went out into the town and started buying up all the Wonka bars I could lay my hands on. Thousands of them, I must have bought. Hundreds of thousands!”

Pathetic. We’re big advocates of keeping your kid happy, but a spoiling of this magnitude can bring about significant developmental issues, including social isolation and low self-esteem. Put the checkbook down and learn to braid hair or something, pal.

SAM BEAUREGARDE

Also along for the tour is Sam Beauregarde. Sam is a local politician and car dealership owner. Clearly an upstanding member of his community. His daughter is a disrespectful know-it-all named Violet. She’s obsessed with chewing gum.

Her insolence eventually gets the best of her when, despite Wonka’s half-hearted objection, she takes and chews a piece of experimental gum. Mr. Beauregarde then watches in abject horror as his daughter rapidly transforms into a human blueberry.

We’d love to chalk this bizarre fate up to shitty parenting, but we can’t. From what we see of Sam Beauregarde, he appears to be a friendly, generally likable man. This affability could be disingenuous given his background as both a politician and used car salesman, but we’ll let that slide for now. I mean, what other dad is this encouraging about career ambitions in gum-chewing?

None. No dad is excited about that because that’s not a career anyone goes into. Or exists. It’d take a pretty solid dad to entertain such foolish aspirations for so long. This is a guy who loves seeing his kid happy, and he doesn’t have to leverage his wealth to do so. That fact alone makes him the superior Wonka Tour Dad.

FINAL GRADES

MR. BEAUREGARDE: D
MR. SALT: B

Check out our previous edition where we graded George McFly from Back to the Future.

As any father worth his salt will tell you, there are some things they want their children to experience that their spouse probably wouldn’t be too thrilled about. It might be something small like buying some candy on the way home or something major like pulling them out of school to attend a baseball game.

They’re moments that build bonds and create meaningful memories, and usually, it’s the secretive nature of them that makes them so special.

Reddit user HumblePlatypus recently asked dads for their best “Don’t tell mom” stories and with over 800 comments, there were some real beauties.

Get ready for some wholesome dad secrets, and most importantly… DON’T TELL MOM:

1. When you’re raising a little narc

2. Technically, the truth

3. Too much of a good thing

4. Player 2 has entered the game

5. The most important meal

6. Salty and sweet

7. Fingers crossed they showed up to the same safety course

8. You know we’re married, right?

9. It was… inevitable

10. The perfect remedy

11. He’s lovin’ it

12. Always get your stories straight

13. Just another day of driving with a head injury

14. Start them young

15. Oh, FUN is against the law now?

16. Oh no… IT’S A SETUP, BOYS

Self-confidence can be a challenge for people at any age. And that may be why so many people were taken by the video of a New York City toddler walking to school, repeating a positive affirmation his mom taught him the year before.

“I am smart, I am blessed, I can do anything!” the toddler exclaimed as he walked down the sidewalk, carrying a banana.

 

View this post on Instagram

 

I taught Ayaan this positive affirmation on his 2nd Birthday last year. In hopes that he would one day memorize it, understand it and use it as a motivational tool whenever he needed it. Well he shocked me this morning. Out of no where he started repeating it, so I pulled out my phone. He ended (with enthusiasm lol) once we made it to our destination💙. So proud of the little boy he is growing into. #BlackBoyJoy #MorningAffirmation #PositiveAffirmation #Baby360Style #FroBaby #3YearOld #BoyMom #ToddlersOfInstagram

A post shared by @ alissa360style on Oct 1, 2019 at 5:29am PDT

His mom posted the short clip to Instagram, as a parent is wont to do, and his positivity has spread around the globe, quickly wracking up more than 6 million views.

That’s it…I’m having kids. pic.twitter.com/1ueRWpkmPO

— Yashar Ali 🐘 (@yashar) October 7, 2019

To prove that he really can do anything, Ayaan boarded a plane to LA, watched Toy Story (again), and met with Ellen DeGeneres.

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Thank you to @theellenshow for having our family on as guests this week. What you have done and continue to do to spread the message of love & positivity, to help so many people and at the end of the day, to be the change that we need to see in this world, is something that I will always love, cherish and appreciate about you.💙 Thank you for blessing my family in such a huge and thoughtful way. We are so extremely grateful! 🙏🏾 Thank you to @midget_giraffe for realizing how important it was for me that my family represent our culture on this day, and to provide me with such a beautiful vest to wear on such short notice. Special thank you to @sisi_nike for making the connection between us. 🇸🇳🇧🇧 Thank you to our family and friends who continue to pour into us with love, prayers and well wishes. We are so thankful for the village that we have. God Bless you all. #EllenDegeneres #TheEllenShow #EllenTube #BeKindToOneAnother #Blessing #Baby360Style #BlackBoyJoy #SmartBlessedAnything #A➰A #Ankara #AfricanPrint #MidgetGiraffe #AfricanFashion #StyledBy360

A post shared by @ alissa360style on Oct 17, 2019 at 4:56am PDT

There’s not enough positivity on the internet, so when we have something this pure, it’s important to prop it up and truly enjoy it. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’ve gotta go to the bathroom to repeat this affirmation in the mirror so I can make it through my next meeting without falling asleep.

When it comes to movies, I’m not easily scared. All October long, my wife and I indulge in “Spooktober” and watch as many horror movies as we can in preparation for Halloween. We watch classics like The Shining and Rosemary’s Baby, we’ll watch some slashers like Halloween and A Nightmare on Elm Street, and we watch the latest in so-called “elevated horror” like Hereditary.

Give or take a few moments, I remain unbothered. I’ve seen too many!

But news recently broke of a project in the works that may finally test my resolve. And yours…

They’re making a Barney movie!

That’s right, the giant purple dinosaur that haunted many of our childhoods is getting his own movie. And somehow Get Out star Daniel Kaluuya is involved? I’m getting chills just writing about it.

Mattel Films is partnering with Kaluuya’s production company to make a live-action version of the kids’ television show in which a giant dinosaur sings that annoying song and plays games with children.

“Barney was a ubiquitous figure in many of our childhoods, then he disappeared into the shadows, left misunderstood,” said Kaluuya. “We’re excited to explore this compelling modern-day hero and see if his message of ‘I love you, you love me’ can stand the test of time.”

How this expands into a 90-minute-plus movie is beyond me, but apparently they have some ideas involving a “new approach” to “subvert” expectations?

“Working with Daniel Kaluuya will enable us to take a completely new approach to Barney that will surprise audiences and subvert expectations,” added Mattel Films’ Robbie Brenner, via the Hollywood Reporter. “The project will speak to the nostalgia of the brand in a way that will resonate with adults, while entertaining today’s kids.”

I have no idea what that means but I’m hoping velociraptors are involved.

The project joins live-action versions of Hot Wheels, He-Man, and Barbie – with Margot Robbie! – that are also in the works. None of them sound particularly promising, but Barney sounds downright horrifying!

“Barney is a dinosaur from our imagination, and we can’t wait to get ‘I love you, you love me’ stuck in heads everywhere, yet again,” said Carrico of Valparaiso Pictures.

The man is a monster!

Puns are at the heart of every good dad joke. And, not coincidentally, every terrible dad joke. Which perhaps makes them even more impressive. What else could get you so much mileage towards both entertaining, and embarrassing, your children? As always, The Dad is here to assist in this grand endeavor! We’ve compiled a list of 101 of the best puns out there, ready to be released whenever your kids need a laugh. Or just when you do.

1. I saw an ad for burial plots, but that’s the last thing I need.

2. Did you hear about the silk worm race? It ended in a tie.

3. I got fired from the calendar factory, just for taking a day off.

4. Q: What’s the best thing about Switzerland? A: Well, the flag is a big plus.

5. Clones are people two.

6. I wanted to learn how to drive a stick shift, but I couldn’t find a manual.

7. Napoleon may not have designed his coat, but he did have a hand in it.

8. I put up a high-voltage electric fence around my house. My neighbor is dead against it.

9. What are windmills’ favorite genre of music? They’re big metal fans.

10. The past, present, and future walk into a bar. It was tense.

11. Shopping centers, you’ve seen one, you’ve seen the mall.

12. My ceiling isn’t the best, but it’s up there.

13. I love whiteboards. They’re re-markable.

14. Which country’s capital has the fastest-growing population? AIreland. Every day it’s Dublin.

15. The machine at the coin factory just suddenly stopped working. It doesn’t make any cents.

16. I tried to make a belt out of watches. It was a waist of time.

17. I went to a new mechanic. They came highly wreck-a-mended.

18. What’s the difference between a hippo and a Zippo? A hippo is really heavy, and a Zippo is a little lighter.

19. Yesterday a clown held the door open for me. It was such a nice jester.

20. Why can’t you run through a campground? You can only ran, because it’s past tents.

21. Becoming a vegetarian is a big missed steak.

22. Why can’t Harry Potter tell the difference between his potion pot and his best friend? They’re both cauld ron.

23. An atom lost an electron. It really should keep an ion them.

24. What’s the best time on a clock? 6:30, hands down.

25. Please don’t make my funeral too early. I’m not really a mourning person.

26. I got fired from the bank. A man asked me to check his balance, so I pushed him over.

27. Why did the lizard say he named his baby “Tiny?” Because he’s my newt.

28. Someone stole the police station’s toilets. They have nothing to go on.

29. Having sex in an elevator is wrong on so many levels.

30. What’s the difference between a poorly dressed man on a bicycle and a nicely dressed man on a tricycle? Attire.

31. What does C.S. Lewis keep in his wardrobe? Narnia business.

32. I put all my cash into an origami business. It folded.

33. I was worried about being in a long-distance relationship. But so far so good.

34. I suffer from kleptomania. But I take something for it.

35. I’m afraid of negative numbers. I’ll stop at nothing to avoid them.

36. Acupuncture is a jab well done.

37. Two antennas got married. The ceremony wasn’t much, but the reception was excellent.

38. I quit my job at the donut factory. I was fed up with the hole business.

39. I once ate a watch. It was time consuming.

40. RIP boiling water. You will be mist.

41. Why did the monk refuse novocaine when he had his tooth pulled? He wanted to transcend dental medication.

42. Just found out sticks float. They would.

43. My boat was cold, I tried to make a fire but it sank. I guess you can’t have your kayak and heat it too.

44. I went to that new restaurant, Karma. There’s no menu, you just get what you deserve.

45. Why do cows have bells? Because their horns don’t work.

46. You can’t trust atoms, they make up everything.

47. I met a criminal with a bounty on his head. That was a weird place to keep paper towels.

48. A psychic tried to sell me information on my past lives. I hate used karma dealers.

49. I’m reading a book about anti-gravity. It’s impossible to put down.

50. I met my wife on a dating site. We just clicked.

51. I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.

52. Thanks for explaining the word “many” to me. It means a lot.

53. My roommates suspect I’m stealing their kitchen utensils. But that’s a whisk i’m willing to take.

54. I’m going to try velcro instead of shoe laces. Why knot?

55. I decided to get rid of my spine. It was holding me back.

56. Long fairy tales have a tendency to dragon.

57. Knowing how to pick locks has opened a lot of doors for me.

58. No matter how kind you are, German children are kinder.

59. Architects are good at coming up with concrete plans.

60. I should have been sad when my flashlight batteries died, but I was delighted.

61. Who designed King Arthur’s round table? Sir Cumference.

62. What happened when the semi-colon broke grammar laws? He was given two consecutive sentences.

63. I recently took a pole and found out 100% of campers were angry when their tent collapsed.

64. I couldn’t remember how to throw a boomerang. Eventually it came back to me.

65. A friend said he didn’t understand cloning. I told him that makes two of us.

66. I had a pun about amnesia, but I forget how it goes.

67. Santa Claus’s elves are subordinate clauses.

68. I’m designing a reversible jacket. I’m excited to see how it turns out.

69. A man went to the hospital with eight plastic horses in his stomach. His condition is stable.

70. To the guy who invented Zero, thanks for nothing!

71. There’s a new type of broom out. It’s sweeping the nation.

72. I tried to draw a circle, but it was pointless.

73. Getting paid to sleep would be my dream job.

74. There’s a fine line between numerator and denominator.

75. Velcro… what a rip-off.

76. I gave away my dead batteries, no charge.

77. One-fifth of people are just too tense.

78. After the birth of your child, your role in life will become apparent.

79. A backwards poet writes inverse.

80. Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.

81. My kid swallowed some coins, the doctor told me to just wait. No change yet.

82. My friend’s bakery burned down. Now his business is toast.

83. You should wear glasses while doing math. It improves division.

84. I’m glad I learned sign language. It’s really handy.

85. Bad gardeners are rough around the hedges.

86. A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.

87. This girl thought she recognized me from vegetarian club, but I’ve never met herbivore.

88. Why can’t you explain puns to kleptomaniacs? They always take things literally.

89. Did you hear about the man who lost his left side? He’s all right now.

90. I make apocalypse puns like there’s no tomorrow.

91. A cartoonist was found dead. Details are sketchy.

92. I removed the shell from my racing snail to make it faster. It just got more sluggish.

93. Life as a professional yo-yoer has its ups and downs.

94. I don’t trust stairs. They’re always up to something.

95. My wife told me to stop speaking in numbers. But I didn’t 1 2.

96. I failed my Braille class. It’s a touchy subject.

97. I used to hate facial hair, but it grew on me.

98. The shovel was a ground-breaking invention.

99. My leaf blower doesn’t work, it just sucks.

100. Need an ark? I Noah guy.

101. A plateau is the highest form of flattery.

When you’ve finally had enough of jokes for dads, how about checking out these fantastic funny quotes written by some?

While obviously not the case across the board, quite a few dads and husbands get called out for their lack of attention to detail. Sure, we overlooked the socks on the floor, but only because we were busy thinking about whether or not today is trash day, how we’re going to fix the dishwasher, and whether we can make it to and from the kids’ various sports practices in time. We’re big-picture guys.

Nowhere has an example of a “big-picture dad” been so perfectly illustrated than when Sara Smith stuck a Cheez-It to her father’s wall.

The epic tale starts on November 26, 2015, when Sara decided to tack an actual Cheez-It to the wall. You see, not only did her dad not notice the orange cracker, but he was completely oblivious to it… for years.

Little did Sara know that this little cracker would turn into her online legacy.

Weeks passed without so much as a word from her dad, and it’s not like it was hidden away in some obscure location. It was literally right at eye-level. Above a framed painting. Bright as a traffic cone.

And it just keeps getting better.

Roughly four months into this charade, Sara’s dad decides to rearrange the furniture. The man moves a bookshelf directly in front of the Cheez-It. Just… how?

Sara, clearly a woman of science, decides to move the cracker to a new painfully obvious location in the room, preserving the integrity of her experiment.

Fast-forward about a year-and-a-half later. Has Sara’s dad discovered the Cheez-It?

Of course not. She simply needed to replace the cracker since they were never made to withstand such hilarious conditions. In fact, this was the second time she had to replace the cheesy bite.

Two years after she originally tacked the Cheez-It to the wall, Sara actually ended up moving out of her dad’s place, but she was determined to keep the experiment going. Literally thousands were following this hilarious escapade now.

She received regular updates from her stepmom about the cracker’s status and she even trolled her dad one year with a box of Cheez-Its.

Just look at that adorable, oblivious face.

At the end of December 2018, over three years from the original Cheez-It hanging, Sara decided to once again swap out the old cracker for a new one. She even posted a comparison shot to show just how much they change over time.

However, on October 6, 2019, the great Cheez-It experiment ended as abruptly as it had begun 1,140 days prior—not because Sara’s dad suddenly realized there was a bright orange cracker on his wall, but due to a simple slip-up from her brother-in-law.

Sara explained that her brother-in-law noticed the Cheez-It missing from the wall and assumed it had finally been discovered. When he asked Sara’s dad about it, though, he still had no idea what he was talking about.

It had simply disintegrated from the tack and fallen to the floor by itself.

In a subsequent tweet, Sara explains her frustration that she “will never know just how unobservant my dad is.” Though, going 1,140 days was probably overkill as it is.

Personally, I’m just surprised a dad was unable to sense an unclaimed snack in his house to begin with.

For all the different types of comic book and superhero movies we’ve been getting during the last decade-plus of the genre’s dominance at multiplexes, there has only been one franchise that delivers the R-rated goods, and that’s Deadpool.

The first movie was a passion project from hilarious dad Ryan Reynolds, who spent years attempting to get a do-over for the character he was clearly born to play after his first appearance in the abominable X-Men Origins: Wolverine movie. When he finally got that do-over, it was a huge success, spawning a sequel featuring hilarious dad Rob Delaney, and that one was a success too.

Now Deadpool seems to be getting a third entry. At the very least, one is being written as we speak, according to the film’s co-writer. Paul Wernick told Den of Geek that he and Rhett Reese were moving ahead with a script, despite some turbulence in the aftermath of the Disney/Fox merger.

“There’s a lot to be sorted out, like how Deadpool fits into the Marvel Universe with the other characters of the MCU. Then it’s, do the X-Men get in there at some point? Fantastic Four? There’s a lot to be sorted out and I think we’re all getting a much needed rest from Deadpool – Ryan and us and everybody.”

If and when Deadpool finds his way into the MCU is yet to be seen – not sure the foul-mouthed merc is a fit with the decidedly family-friendly Avengers, but at least he won’t have goody two-shoes Steve Rogers to butt heads with – but for now the character should remain R-rated.

“I think the party line and truth is we’re all still figuring it out,” Wernick told Entertainment Weekly. “Marvel has promised to continue to let us play in the R-rated Deadpool universe, and the hope is that they will also let us veer into the MCU [Marvel Cinematic Universe] a little bit as well and play in that sandbox. Our feeling and Ryan’s feeling is that it’s got to be the right idea, it’s got to be great.”

As for Deadpool himself, he’s having fun with the merger into Marvel.

Auditioned for the role of “Anthony Stark”. Didn’t come even remotely close, but the nice man with the taser escorted me to the ground. pic.twitter.com/1bwFDGdMOj

— Ryan Reynolds (@VancityReynolds) October 14, 2019

“At the time when I was in the Navy, I wanted nothing more than to get out of the Navy.

I was ready to get out into the civilian world and be able to do what I wanted. The biggest thing I couldn’t have prepared for was the loss of my sense of purpose. With the military you know exactly what is expected of you, what your mission is and what you need to do. Then when I got out I lost that sense of purpose. I met my wife while serving and she is what held me together.

We lost our son early on in pregnancy, and then went through IVF to fill the hole that was missing. On our last transfer, with our last embryo we were blessed with our sweet girl Skylar Rayne.

As soon as I saw her, that sense of purpose returned. I knew that no matter what, I had to provide for that sweet little girl and protect and provide for her at all costs.

Fast forward two years and we were just blessed again with our daughter Shelby Lee. I couldn’t imagine my life without these two in it. I love watching them hit all these incredible milestones and watching them grow and helping mold them.

Being a dad has been more rewarding than I could’ve ever imagined. And never has a pair of New Balance shoes looked better to me.”

– Ryan Catoe

Want to share a story about fatherhood? Email [email protected]

Check out the previous editions of Father Figures here.