10 Funniest Dad Tweets of the Week

Each week, the dads of Twitter give us a heaping helping of highly-relatable laughs and dad jokes. Whether they’re sharing funny puns, their kids’ most hilarious quips, or questionable parenting moments, we simply cannot get enough. Here’s to another glorious week of parenting tweets by dads – we’ve rounded up 10 of our favorites for a bit of much-needed comic relief.
April 23, 2021
Now featuring “What’s That Smell” and “Where’s the Advil”
I’ve recorded a new album about parenting some of the songs include
Mmm, that’s interesting
Maybe later
Just two more spoonfuls
After you eat your dinner
Your shoes are where you left them
It’s 5am, it’s not morning
Because I said so— threetimedaddy (@threetimedaddy) April 19, 2021
Don’t answer, it’s a trap
Wife [walking into kitchen]: DID YOU GIVE THE KIDS CAKE FOR DINNER?
Me [looking at the kids eating cake for dinner]: I feel like you already know the answer to this.
— Rodney Lacroix (@RodLacroix) April 19, 2021
Cool, so same thing as last night?
[dinner time]
ME: what would you like to stare at for twenty minutes and then throw away?
KIDS: whatever is the hardest to make
— *sigh*clops (@aotakeo) April 19, 2021
That’s not even talent, that’s some sort of magic
My 10-year-old cooked bacon on her own.
She splattered exactly zero hot grease on herself.
She's officially more of an adult than me.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) April 21, 2021
This is what they mean when they talk about cars being powerful machines
I had to drive my teen daughter’s red convertible beetle the last couple days and I have to admit…I’m feeling kinda cute.
— Shade 5 🎬 (@Shade510) April 20, 2021
Not sure if that’s concerning or impressive
My son is 6’2” and he just said loudly from another room “god I can smell my feet from here and I’m standing up” so yes, I will be burning those shoes
— Crockett🍀 (@CrockettForReal) April 15, 2021
Walked right into that one
me: could you be anymore annoying?
8: YES
me: that wasn't a real qu-
8: [annoying intensifies]
me: dammit.
— Dadman Walking (@dadmann_walking) April 21, 2021
And when you get to the recipe part, the whole site crashes
Kids at bedtime are like a nine page food blog for a simple ramen noodle recipe
— Vinod Chhaproo (@Chhapiness) April 20, 2021
If Sloppy Joes every night means he’ll eat dinner without a struggle every night, Sloppy Joes it is
Asked my son on Sunday what he wanted for dinner this week. "Sloppy Joes!" he exclaimed, so I made them last night & he was thrilled. This morning he said he couldn't wait for Sloppy Joes tonight. He thought his answer applied to EVERY dinner this week. My bad for not clarifying.
— Henpecked Hal (@HenpeckedHal) April 21, 2021
There’s really no coming back from that
Blew my nose in front of my daughter and her friends today. Please respect her privacy during this difficult time.
— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) April 18, 2021
April 16, 2021
Things used to be so simple
“Do you like dinosaurs? Yes or no?”
My 5yo, speed dating at the playground
— Dad and Buried (@DadandBuried) April 10, 2021
Listen, everyone else was thinking it
"Are you fucking kidding me?!"
–my 2yo, clear as a bell, in the middle of PetSmart, upon seeing a snake in real life for the first time
— Austin J. Clements (@ClementsAustinJ) April 11, 2021
He’s too young to have lost all of his serotonin already
My kid was pouting so I asked why he’s feeling sad and he said, “I don’t know, dad. Maybe I’m just awake.”
— Abam (@AdamBroud) April 11, 2021
Is that a threat? No, seriously. I have no idea
“When I’m 59 I’m going to be bigger than you!”
– my 4 year old, angry at me because he has to go to bed
— threetimedaddy (@threetimedaddy) April 13, 2021
And then when she gets bored, it’s dinner
My kid’s new favorite toy is an unopened box of Frozen themed mac and cheese. She’s been busy playing with it all day and only cost me $1.29, best investment I’ve ever made
— Average Dad (@Average_Dad1) April 13, 2021
[Hagrid voice] Should not have said that
You think you're a risk taker? My 5yo just said he wanted a new mom for his upcoming birthday
— Xennaissance Dad (@XennDad) April 13, 2021
Not sure if I’m glad or embarrassed that they’re not better at this
my kids figured out the password to my wife's computer and have been sending me these texts as if they were from her pic.twitter.com/dmrSZmTSsV
— michael cruz kayne 🇵🇭 (@CruzKayne) April 13, 2021
What the hell do you mean by – ah. Right
Welcome to parenthood. You're not as chill as you think, not even fucking close.
— Henpecked Hal (@HenpeckedHal) April 12, 2021
We’ve been trying to reach you
Kids talking at bedtime are like robocalls from numbers which you’ve blocked multiple times
— Vinod Chhaproo (@Chhapiness) April 13, 2021
A proud day
Started a second coffee can full of useless old nuts, washers and bolts in case anyone wants tips on how to achieve the coveted Premium Dad Level status.
— NicholasG (@Dad_At_Law) April 11, 2021
April 9, 2021
Maybe we should start celebrating Easter by hanging out alone in a cave for three days
I'm sure 4 kids fighting about who found the most eggs at 7 AM is exactly what Jesus had planned for today.
— Rodney Lacroix (@RodLacroix) April 4, 2021
Leave it to someone who just mastered walking to tell you you’re doing things wrong
Help me, but not like that. But help me, no.
-toddlers
— Dadman Walking (@dadmann_walking) April 5, 2021
If you’re not buying underwear in bulk, what are you even doing?
One day, when your kids have an “accident” you’ll have to dig deep and make a real tough decision: is their underwear worth trying to save?
— threetimedaddy (@threetimedaddy) April 6, 2021
”Kids are so much smarter than we realize” oh really
My 3 year old is SCREAMING because a car just like my wife's passed us on the freeway and she wants to tell her hi. Did I mention that we just dropped my wife off at work? Did I mention that we are in my wife's car?
— Henpecked Hal (@HenpeckedHal) April 7, 2021
And to think, some people have that exhibit in their own home
We went to a museum and I fell in love with my kids all over again after seeing an obnoxious exhibit called other kids
— Vinod Chhaproo (@Chhapiness) April 7, 2021
And when it’s time for dinner, stick the last two somewhere obvious
If you hide 48 eggs and tell your kids there are 50 you can get a little nap in.
— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) April 4, 2021
Where do I sign
Discussing First Communion and 9 announces, “We drink the wine because God wants us to be happy” in case anyone is looking for a cult leader.
— NicholasG (@Dad_At_Law) April 7, 2021
Predictable, but somehow it still gets you every single time
A parent's autobiography called "But I Just Sat Back Down" and all the chapters start with "Ugh."
— Frankzulla (@frankzulla) April 7, 2021
I wish Big Casino all the best
When my kid was 6 he told his teacher to call him Big Casino. His teacher called and asked if we knew why. I told her to take it up with Big Casino.
— Adam (Severedthumb) (@thumbhook) April 2, 2021
My kid once cried because he only had two feet
Reasons my toddler cried today:
– I didn’t let her wear two pairs of pajamas
– I brought her some more chicken after she asked for more chicken
– My face wasn’t purple— Average Dad (@Average_Dad1) April 7, 2021
April 2, 2021
Trick question, you can’t afford to waste towels
Kids math word-problems should be more realistic, like:
Your car is worth $3000 on a trade-in but you still owe $3700 on it. Then your “check engine” light comes on and the service department says you need a $4600 transmission.
Question: How many towels should you throw in?
— Rodney Lacroix (@RodLacroix) March 28, 2021
The only thing you dream about anymore is sleeping
Have reached the stage of newborn parenting where 3 consecutive hours of sleep feels like 12
— Dan Pfeiffer (@danpfeiffer) March 29, 2021
I hope they like tofu
“Dad isn’t it weird that the word chicken can mean an animal or a type of food?”
– my kid, on the verge of making a horrific realization
— Average Dad (@Average_Dad1) March 29, 2021
”Just buy more groceries then,” spoken like someone without kids
Gone in 60 Seconds is a documentary about my kids eating the groceries.
— Shade 5 🎬 (@Shade510) March 28, 2021
I know I’m old by the number of times I Google “Urban Dictionary” plus whatever word I don’t know
I spent most of this weekend with my 9-year-old watching his favourite YouTubers
So now I have to spend this week re-learning the English language
— Stewie Loves Coffee ☕ (@stewiecoffee) March 29, 2021
Fingers crossed he starts doing dishes any time he’s mad at you so you don’t get to do it
“That’s it! No doing the dishes after you tuck us in! You do NOT wash the dishes tonight!” My angry 3 year old who, apparently, believes that washing dishes is a beloved hobby that I look forward to each and every night
— Henpecked Hal (@HenpeckedHal) March 29, 2021
Now you know why all of her friends’ parents are giving you weird looks
My kid tried to explain to one of her friends when she was 4 what I did for a living as “I think he pets old people like himself” and that may be the best description for a massage therapist
— 🧙♂️Nostradadmass🧙♂️ (@bigpoppadrunk) April 1, 2021
Can’t ask questions when your mouth is filled with chocolate glue
People keep asking me for parenting advice like I haven’t sent my 4 year-old away with a jar of Nutella and a spoon just so she’d stop asking me so many questions.
— NicholasG (@Dad_At_Law) March 31, 2021
A Batman sticker is worth a thousand words
Glad we spent $7.99 on the birthday card and argued about what to write in it. I can tell this 5 year old really appreciated it.
— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) March 28, 2021
For how much kids cost, there’s really no excuse for not including a personal trainer feature
My current idea of cardio is running across the house to click Skip Ad on a video while my 4yo yells at me
— Kevin The Dad (@kevinthedad) March 31, 2021
March 26, 2021
I don’t remember signing up for a roast
3 year old: what are those?
me: pills
3 year old: you take them cause you’re sick?
me: I take them cause I’m old
3 year old: I don’t think they’re working
— Henpecked Hal (@HenpeckedHal) March 23, 2021
Harsh but fair
9: you learn a lot about adults being a kid.
Me: really, like what?
9: they’re not very smart.— Mike Reynolds (@EverydayGirlDad) March 22, 2021
Hit ‘em with a “sup dudes” to remind them how much you’ve had to learn over the years
Apparently yelling, “yasss queen” is not cool anymore and also I’m no longer allowed to talk in front of my daughter and her friends.
— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) March 22, 2021
I’m sure they say, “that’s not how daddy does it” just as much, right? Right…?
ME: *exists*
KID: that’s not how mommy does it
— mark (@TheCatWhisprer) March 25, 2021
She will never know the joy of finding the last copy of Addams Family Values on the shelf
Just explained to my 10-yr-old how I used to rent movies from Blockbuster Video and she responded with, “I’m glad I’m not old like you”
— Jonesy The Beautiful Idiot 🇨🇦 (@VikingJonesy) March 20, 2021
Walls, the cat – nothing is safe
Fuck them walls.
-A toddler with a sharpie
— A Bearer Of Dad News🇬🇾 (@HomeWithPeanut) March 23, 2021
I’m not mad, I’m just disappointed
My son couldn’t finish his nachos so….. he…. he just…. HE JUST THREW THEM AWAY
I…. I’m going to need a minute here
— Robert Knop (@FatherWithTwins) March 23, 2021
You laugh now, wait until you see the electric bill
My son told me he used “air conditioner” in the shower so now I guess he has…cool hair.
— Xennaissance Dad (@XennDad) March 23, 2021
Well, that’s terrifying
My 3 year old told me he can’t sleep at night because his favourite cuddly toy spends all night crying about its missing leg and I can’t hear it because I’m too old
And
Well
What if it’s actually true?
— threetimedaddy (@threetimedaddy) March 24, 2021
Really makes you question who’s in charge
Toddlers will really demand specific songs and foods and then just roast your physical defects while eating the breakfast you just made.
I was just told my forehead wrinkles were like cracks in the street and we’d have to hold hands to cross them.
— Jason Goldman (@goldman) March 25, 2021
March 19, 2021
Talk about a crappy situation
Today my youngest brought me a rock, said he loved it & wanted me to keep it safe. I held the rock for a few minutes before noticing a terrible smell from my hand. Turned out to be a piece of dry dog shit.
Have kids they said.
— A Bearer Of Dad News🇬🇾 (@HomeWithPeanut) March 14, 2021
Both of us can only hope
6-year-old: Can I stay up late tonight?
Me: If you’re good all day.
6: You can just say no.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) March 13, 2021
When I said I needed motivation to exercise, this isn’t what I had in mind
Nobody learns to parkour faster than a parent chasing a toddler with a sharpie.
— NicholasG (@Dad_At_Law) March 14, 2021
Unless you’re talking about something they’re not supposed to hear
Things that command kids attention, in order from strongest to weakest:
1. tv
2. airplane flying by
3. chocolate
4. anything they know they’re not supposed to play with
5. bubbles
6. dirt
7. their parent’s voice— Average Dad (@Average_Dad1) March 18, 2021
Maybe you can rent it out?
Good news everyone. We now have an extra bedroom since my 3 yo is “never gonna go to sleep!”
— Xennaissance Dad (@XennDad) March 18, 2021
It’s all downhill from here
Parenting achievement unlocked: got my first “Dad, just give me the controller and I’ll do it for you” from the 6yo today
— Brian Wecht (@bwecht) March 13, 2021
I didn’t know parenting came with an archenemy
Last St. Patrick’s Day a kid in my 3rd grader’s class told everyone the leprechaun brought him a Nintendo Switch and I hate his parents so much.
— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) March 17, 2021
It’s a tough job, but someone’s gotta do it
Kids thrive on routine which is why I need to ask them over and over to do the same things every single morning
— Rodney Lacroix (@RodLacroix) March 17, 2021
Not sure whether to be concerned or ask to borrow $5
8 is counting up his birthday money like some kind of drug lord. pic.twitter.com/DsEsTAq5P7
— Dadman Walking (@dadmann_walking) March 17, 2021
Off-putting yet accurate
4 year-olds are the loudest and sweatiest creatures on earth. Just perpetually damp megaphones.
— 🍀Yukon Gold🍁 (@GrahamKritzer) March 17, 2021
March 12, 2021
This is your chance to relax for 5 minutes so they think they’re doing a great job
Playing hide and seek with my 2yo is fun because she just stands in the corner of the room covering her eyes with her hands and loudly announcing “I HIDING”
— Average Dad (@Average_Dad1) March 9, 2021
ctrl+z CTRL+Z
wife: I’d scream like a little girl
7: you’re not a little girl!
wife: I am a girl
7: no. you’re a GIANT girl!
me: ohshitwhathaveyoudone
— Dadman Walking (@dadmann_walking) March 5, 2021
Fortunately, they’ll forget by the time they realize it didn’t work
My 6yo ate the chocolate off an Almond Hershey kiss and planted the leftover nut in the backyard
One one hand that was silly
But on the other, a chocolate-covered almond tree sounds delicious
Either way he gets major points for optimism!
— Richard Dean (@dad_on_my_feet) March 6, 2021
The car isn’t big enough for an actual weekly shop
Dad of 3 here.
Done our weekly shop – should last until tomorrow.
— threetimedaddy (@threetimedaddy) March 7, 2021
They, uh, sure showed you
Our youngest is giving us the silent treatment so it’s nice to remember what quiet is like.
— Rodney Lacroix (@RodLacroix) March 8, 2021
Saves you a lot of money on ‘sink dentist’ bills
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
— Vinod Chhaproo (@Chhapiness) March 8, 2021
Can we even enforce the “one-of-whatever-you’re-making” dad tax if we didn’t help?
10-year-old: *makes brownies by herself* I didn’t even need you, Dad.
Me: Who do you think bought those ingredients?
10: Mom.
She didn’t even need me.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) March 9, 2021
This girl is going places – or is she going times?
My 4-year-old asked if we could watch a movie and I said no, it was too late tonight. She said, “just start the time over.”
Productivity hack!
— Andrew Knott (@aknott21) March 9, 2021
This part takes 10x as long as the actual folding
The daily struggle of folding laundry and holding up an item trying to figure out if it belongs to my 3 year old, my 4 year old, or my wife.
— Henpecked Hal (@HenpeckedHal) March 10, 2021
When you forget you’re playing hide-and-go-seek and your kid finally comes and finds you
Me: My wife was like “You gonna be OK without me for a whole weekend?” but keeping 2 kids happy and fed has been easy
Friend: Don’t you have 3 kids?
Me: Oh no
— Dr Pessimus Prime – Lockdown is tough edition (@BigJDubz) March 10, 2021
March 5, 2021
Have multiple kids, they said. They’ll keep each other busy, they said
7 is currently upset at 6 for breathing while they try to clean their room together. Kids are wonderful.
— Dadman Walking (@dadmann_walking) February 28, 2021
Not sure which is less likely, forgetting to feed the kids or remembering to do the dishes
I always get suspicious when I don’t see dishes in the sink like, wait, did I remember to feed the children?
— Crockett🍀 (@CrockettForReal) March 3, 2021
You will never live this down
asked my 5-year-old what she wanted for dinner and she said “not a burned quesadilla” bc in the summer of 2019 I overcooked one side of her quesadilla
— todd dillard (@toddedillard) March 3, 2021
They should tell us the exact time our kid is graduating, they have the technology
changing my last name to aaron because I refuse to watch other people’s kids parade around a graduation stage for two hours
— mattewe (@mattewe02) February 28, 2021
”Maybe” is reasonable doubt, they know what they’re doing
I didn’t see my hand moving to hit him so it must be an accident. Maybe.
-My 5-year-old providing THE worst alibi ever
— A Bearer Of Dad News🇬🇾 (@HomeWithPeanut) February 28, 2021
But that’s impossible
I don’t mean to boast but I just played a board game with my three kids and only ONE of them cried!
— 🇬🇧 Dr. Nerd 🇨🇦 (@hermanntrude) February 28, 2021
The blankets are coming from … inside the house?
I didn’t realize having a wife and daughters would involve owning this many blankets.
— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) March 2, 2021
Really out-dadded yourself there (nice)
The kids have made the basement their playroom. It’s now a whine cellar.
— Son of Dad (@ThugRaccoons) March 1, 2021
”But I’m not allowed to play in the mud??”
My wife put on a beauty mask and gave my 3yo a system error.
— Xennaissance Dad (@XennDad) March 1, 2021
May need to revisit some talks about what “giving back” looks like
My 5YO lost her first tooth and is very certain that the tooth fairy will give it to an old lady who really needs it
— Vinod Chhaproo (@Chhapiness) March 4, 2021
February 26, 2021
It’s both impressive and terrifying
Sitting at the table, my toddler attempts to shove even more trachea-sized pieces of food into her tiny mouth, as if to spit in the face of natural selection
— Average Dad (@Average_Dad1) February 22, 2021
Or as Dads call it, “home #2”
dads like to punish their kids by taking them to lowe’s & home depot.
— Dadman Walking (@dadmann_walking) February 22, 2021
Well, let the month-long celebration begin
Dear parents of 3 year olds,
Do not tell them it’s their birthday soon unless it’s their birthday tomorrow
— threetimedaddy (@threetimedaddy) February 19, 2021
You have to take full advantage before they learn to tell time
Me: 10 minutes till bed time
Kid: can we have 15?
Me: sure, but I’m setting a timer
*sets timer for 8 minutes*
— No Pants Pineapple 🚫👖🍍 (@pantless_papple) February 20, 2021
Shop smarter, not more accurately
Listen, I want my kids to have the absolute best of everything in this world, but if I can save a few dollars buying them something that was actually designed for a dog their size I will.
— Henpecked Hal (@HenpeckedHal) February 22, 2021
There’s no answer, but now I need to know
Have kids so you too can receive thought-provoking questions such as, “If Goofy & Pluto are both dogs then why does only Goofy talk??”
— A Bearer Of Dad News🇬🇾 (@HomeWithPeanut) February 24, 2021
They’re not ready for Twister yet if they can’t even handle Tornado
me: we should play Tornado
my kids: i think you mean Twist-
me: *throws a cow*— Ordinary (@OrdinaryAlso) February 23, 2021
If someone let me watch TV like that, I wouldn’t get down either
My darling child, please, do you need to watch television like this? Your father. He is so tired. pic.twitter.com/2vaNq6GRlK
— Eric Smith (@ericsmithrocks) February 23, 2021
It’s a feature, not a glitch
I love how my 5-year-old can do anything unless it’s something I specifically asked her to do.
— mark (@TheCatWhisprer) February 25, 2021
Close enough
Me: Say that again?
9: Babies come from the egg and whatever that is, the squirm, I guess.
Me: Yep, about sums it up. Good talk.
— NicholasG (@Dad_At_Law) February 22, 2021
February 18, 2021
How do all kids know to play by these rules?
The rules of literally every game my kids make up to play together:
1) Run around the house.
2) Be as loud as humanly possible.
3) Make sure somebody cries.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) February 15, 2021
With your cords combined, you could have a full (useless) set
Just found a box full of cords in my daughter’s room so I guess she is ready to be a dad.
— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) February 16, 2021
They might as well learn early
Me: Go back to bed, school was cancelled because of icy road conditions.
Kids: Then why are you leaving?
Me: Work doesn’t care if you die.
— Rodney Lacroix (@RodLacroix) February 16, 2021
Everyone wins
Took my kids sledding because it’s the only way I can legally throw them down a hill
— Jonesy The Beautiful Idiot 🇨🇦 (@VikingJonesy) February 15, 2021
You don’t get chocolate unless you know the cocoadword
My son found a chocolate wrapper this morning and started interrogating me about it. I realized my wife and I basically run an underground speakeasy from 8-11 every night and we’re trying not to get caught by our two toddler landlords.
— Scott Reintgen (@Scott_Thought) February 15, 2021
Fake it until they’re legally adults
If children knew how much their parents were winging it, the whole system would topple.
— dADDisms (@Beagz) February 13, 2021
No more Hell’s Kitchen until they learn to make their own dinner
i’m tired of eating dinner with tiny mean ass food critics every night
— Dadman Walking (@dadmann_walking) February 16, 2021
Stop that right meow
my son has started acting like a cat for the sole purpose of annoying my dad and it’s glorious
— Village Person (@SvnSxty) February 17, 2021
What’s the mathy way of saying “all of it?”
PARENTING MATH PROBLEM:
One 4 year old attempts to fill a 10 ounce cup with water from the fridge. How many gallons are spilled in the process?— Henpecked Hal (@HenpeckedHal) February 17, 2021
Daniel Tiger is about to get wrecked
This morning my son was playing and he had his Daniel Tiger toy fighting his Darth Vader toy and I was just awestruck by his imagination. His sense of wonder. His complete disregard for their disparate power levels cmon dude Daniel Tiger doesn’t know shit about lightsaber combat
— jon drake (@DrakeGatsby) February 17, 2021
February 12, 2021
It’s never too early to teach them to Google
no one told me when I became a parent that one day I’d have to be a walking webster’s dictionary. i’m too dumb for this.
— Dadman Walking (@dadmann_walking) February 6, 2021
Maybe they just wanted your face to stay warm? Maybe
My 3-year-old just told me to keep the hoodie on my head because it’s better for my face, if you’re wondering what kids do for your self-esteem.
— A Bearer Of Dad News🇬🇾 (@HomeWithPeanut) February 10, 2021
Well, time to move
My daughter made this at school and it lives in my house now. pic.twitter.com/2HxUUKKxnu
— Richard Harland Smith (@RHarlandSmith) February 5, 2021
But with the righteous indignation of a 40-year-old
My daughter turned 5 today. She is currently having a meltdown bc she “still looks 4”
— *sigh*clops (@aotakeo) February 7, 2021
How many more of these until she becomes the dad?
Driving around with the family, talking about sick horses (don’t ask) and my daughter quietly says, “better take them to the horsepital.” Never been more proud of her.
— Jeff Lyons (@usedwigs) February 6, 2021
[Nervously reading “Gushers” ingredients]
Kids will go from laughing to crying to screaming at you all in the span of 30 seconds. If I didn’t know better I’d think they were drunk all the time
— Average Dad (@Average_Dad1) February 8, 2021
Things like this need a “want to feel old?” content warning
KID: oh cool, this stylus has a line tracker
ME: t-that’s a pen— Bison (@FunnyBison) February 1, 2021
It’s just part of the ritual at this point
There needs to be a scientific study on why kids complain about having to take a shower and then spend three hours in there.
— Rodney Lacroix (@RodLacroix) February 8, 2021
Next time you leave for the airport 4 hours early, remind them of this incident
My children wanted to play airplane rides and are very upset because I told them my flight is fully booked
— Vinod Chhaproo (@Chhapiness) February 8, 2021
Just occasional pauses for food and sleep
Once kids start talking they don’t stop talking huh?
— JB’s Dad (@Dadof1crazykid) February 8, 2021
They’ve been learning about this all month – how?
8yo: I learned that George Washington Carver used to plant cotton but it ruined the soil so he started planting penises.
Me: Peanuts.
8yo: Oh. … Okay. That makes a LOT more sense to me. Thanks Daddy.— Elie Mystal (@ElieNYC) February 10, 2021
It’s good to have goals
8-year-old: I know what I want to be when I grow up.
Me: What?
8: A construction worker.
Me: That’s great.
8: Or a wizard.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) February 10, 2021