Write Good Lyrics, My Ass (I Won’t Write Good Lyrics) – The All-Time Best Worst Country Lyrics

(Twitter/BunkiePerkins)

In November, country music star Neal McCoy released a pretty high profile political song called “Take a Knee, My Ass (I Won’t Take a Knee)”. Now, I’m not going to talk about my personal politics on this because this is meant to be a lighthearted take on things, and I am merely an idiot who writes stupid things on the internet.

What I AM going to do is talk about the lyricism of this song. Grammatically it is all over the place, and there are many, many good takes on the grammar of this all over the internet if you want to have a laugh with that.

But more important to me, is that, yet again, Country and Western proves itself to have the best* song lyrics. Country musicians have this insane ability to take a heartfelt message and talk about it in a completely nonsensical way, using bizarre similes and odd language throughout.

*you can replace best with almost any adjective and it remains a true statement

So here are some of my favorite country titles, with some of my favorite lyrical content.

“How Can I Miss You If You Won’t Go Away” – Dan Hicks and His Hot Licks

This one has something of a poignant message, I think. It’s about the way in which the closeness of a relationship can strangle a person and make them feel suffocated. All Dan Hicks and His Hot Licks want is a little space, is that too much to ask?!

Of course, I’m no country music star, and I don’t quite have the same way with words as Dan Hicks or His Hot Licks. He puts it so beautifully when he says:

“Your never ending presence really cramps my style

I dream that it won’t always be the same

At first I was attracted but after a while

Have you ever heard of the hard-to-get game?”


Ah, young love.

“I’ve Got Tears In My Ears From Lying On My Back Cryin’ Over You” – Homer & Jethro


Country is kind of weird when it comes to emotional vulnerability. We live in a world where men are not encouraged to feel their feelings, and certainly not to openly talk about sadness, heartbreak, and despair. Yet, country finds a way to openly talk about those feelings.

Look at this title. Homer & Jethro are not scared to talk about their feelings, and, frankly, good on them. Lyrically this song is shit, but that doesn’t matter! It’s honest! Yeah, it’s peppered with angry rejection, but it’s real!

“And the tears in my ears, they’re off the beaten track

Since you said “It’s goodbye, we are through”

So if I should get water on the brain

You will know you’re the one who is to blame”

Oh, Homer! Oh, Jethro!

“My Head Hurts, My Feet Stink, And I Don’t Love Jesus” – Jimmy Buffett

This one is all about the title, and there is a lot to unpack in this. Ok, Jimmy, your head hurts, sure. Your feet stink? Umm… Ok pal. Hmm? What’s that? You don’t love Jesus? Are you alright, Jim?

Basically, Jimmy has a hangover. A bad one. His head hurts (like the title!) so much that he doesn’t love Jesus today (like the title!). I’m not sure why his feet stink because of that but sure, why the heck not?

The story goes like this: Jimmy goes down to the snake pit to drink a little beer (just a little one!) and he ended up playing country music with his mate ol’ Joe Bones, and he had a few too many. He was at a bar and he kept breaking strings on his “ol’ guitar” and he needed a cab home. He asked someone to call a cab, then he asks some random woman to pay for it for him, and now he’s in bed drinking orange juice.

“(You Dun Stomped) On My Heart” – John Denver

Now this, this right here, this is a real country song. John Denver is sad. John Denver is mad. And John Denver is using weird vernacular to let us know just how sad and mad he is. The woman he loves has left him. How sad.

Some of the lyricism on this song is sensational. He calls her feet “cold busting stompers.” When he hopes that one day she too might feel the sting of a relationship ending he says he hopes she gets “them low down blues.” And obviously he uses the phrase “honky-tonk,” which I honestly don’t have a clue what it means.

But let’s talk about the chorus. We’ll go line by line.

“You dun stomped on my heard and you mashed that sucker flat.” Let’s stop and consider this. She “mashed” his heart. Mashed. Jesus Christ that is some aggressive imagery.

“You just sorta stomped on my aorta.” I’m done. Guys, I’m done. It’s just too good.

“You’re The Reason Our Kids Are So Ugly” – Conway Twitty & Loretta Lynn

This is a kind of cute song, in some ways. The message is that Conway and Loretta love each other, despite being fundamentally awful for each other. The end of every verse goes “looks ain’t everything, and money ain’t everything, but I love you just the same.” Awwww.

But let’s look at some of the other lyrics.

The structure of the verses is good. Conway says something mean. Loretta says something mean. And then they both say at the same time that they are the reason the kids are ugly. Firstly, if I was their kid I would be raging, but whatever.

“I’m Kissing You Goodbye” – Ray Stevens

What’s this? A normal song title? A normal song about normal people doing normal things like breaking up, right?

Wrong. This song is fucking weird.

Ray Stevens is trying to break up with his partner, because they have been lying, somehow. He doesn’t tell us what they’ve done, but there are some clues. “You just can’t be true dear, you’re spreading it around” gives the impression there has been something extra-curricular going on.

Some of the things he wants gone are great “get your dog outta my dog house, your cat outta my tree, get your bird outta my bird cage, I’m settin’ you free.” How many animals do they have?!

But the real gold in this one is the chorus. “Get your tongue outta my mouth cause I’m kissing you goodbye.” Essentially, he’s trying to give the boot, and they won’t stop trying to seduce him. Here is the full chorus in all its glory:

“Get your tongue outta my mouth – and wipe off that silly grin

Get your tongue outta my mouth – ain’t no telling where it’s been

Get your tongue outta my mouth – don’t try that again

Get your tongue outta my mouth

Get your tongue

Git yer tongue outta my mouf!”

How the hell was Bob Dylan the first songwriter to win the Nobel prize for literature?!

“Drop Kick Me Jesus” – Bobby Bare

Last, but by absolutely no means least, is Drop Kick Me Jesus by Bobby Bare. Now, when I first saw this song title I thought it must be a joke. It sounds like a call to see Jesus’ very popular WWE Finishing Move. But when you read the lyrics, it seems pretty sincere. There is a lot about religion in there (“Make me, oh, make me, Lord, more than I am / make me a piece in Your master game plan”), as you might expect, but, once again, the real gold is in the nonsense. I’m not even going to write anything about it. I’m just going to write the chorus, and leave it as that.

“Dropkick me, Jesus, through the goal posts of life

End over end, neither left nor to right

Straight through the heart of them, righteous up rights

Drop kick me, Jesus, through the goal posts of life.”

Oregon Girl Hosts Carwash Fundraiser for Dad’s New Prosthetic Leg

Summer and Doug Bell
(Facebook/Echo Marie Bell KEZI 9 ABC News)

Summer Bell isn’t spending her summer just sitting around. The Creswell, Oregon girl is on a mission to raise money for a cause that’s near and dear to her heart.

Summer’s dad, Doug Bell, has had health difficulties since early childhood. According to the family, Doug has struggled with diabetes for many years — his kidneys failing back in 2017. Most recently, he was hospitalized due to a serious infection that cost him the bottom portion of his leg. Since being released, Doug has been unable to walk on his own and will now need a robotic prosthesis. The cost of a prosthetic leg ranges widely depending on several circumstances, but many can run $5,000-$15,000 or more. It’s a cost that would exceed the means of many families, but Summer isn’t wasting any time by waiting around.

Summer’s mom, Echo, has five other children to care for and is currently working two jobs herself, so the enterprising little lady decided to pitch-in by holding a community car wash in her hometown. Point S Tire & Auto Service agreed to host the event, which is now scheduled to take place this weekend.

Echo posted her daughter’s handmade sign in a Facebook post, sharing details of the event as well as her sentiments on the gesture. “I’m so proud of her. She’s such a caring little human,” adding “how did we get so lucky?”

In addition to the car wash, Summer and her mom have set up a GoFundMe page to help raise enough to eventually get Doug moving once again. A link to the page can be found here.

Would You Have Believed Any of These Fake Nintendo Facts?

#FakeNintendoFacts
(Twitter/swhammerhead)

In the early days of video gaming, rumors about hidden secrets and glitches were rampant. Seemingly every day, some kid on the playground would tout his knowledge about how to attain the rarest of items or beat a certain difficult boss in one hit. Of course, since the introduction of the internet, current rumors can quickly be debunked with a couple of taps on a smartphone.

But there was something special about these alternative game facts. They caused us to question the scope and possibilities a single game could provide, making these simple virtual worlds seem more complex, vibrant, and mysterious.

Thanks to @HashtagRoundup, folks over on Twitter have been reminiscing about this golden era with the hashtag #FakeNintendoFacts and while some of them are just plain ridiculous, others have the exact same flavor of the rumors we heard on the playground. Would you have fallen for any of these?

Take a look at the entire collection of tweets by clicking #FakeNintendoFacts.

Father Figures: My Motivation

“I had a lot of preconceived notions about what type of type of dad I thought I’d be if I were ever to have a son, all those notions went right out the window the second you opened your eyes at me for the first time.

Everything I thought I knew and would be a professional at as a dad gave way to the emotion and pure joy I felt just watching you do even the smallest of things in life .

I used to say one day my son is going to be a football player like I was and score a bunch of touchdowns, he’s going to be tough and relentless and make me so proud. Looking back now as the father I am today, I finally get the silliness of that old cliche. The reality is my son makes me proud by finishing his juice box, sharing with his friends, being polite to a waitress or simply tying his shoes correctly.

I understand now that regardless of what this little man chooses to do in life, whether it’s playing a flute or winning the world’s strongest man competition someday, I’m going to be right there in the front row overflowing with pride and happiness for my boy.

As a father I get it now, more focus on raising young men of value and love is needed more than ever in today’s world and my son is 100% joining those ranks. Accolades and trophies come and go, but kindness, compassion, and a good heart will stay with him forever. Embrace this world with an open heart and a thirst for adventure my son, never stop dreaming, and thank you for making me feel like the luckiest man alive each and every day.

Watching you grow and learn and enjoy life the way you do has been nothing short of amazing and I’ve already learned more by raising you in 8 short years then I did my entire previous 30. You are my motivation and reason for everything in life and without you I wouldn’t be even half the man I am today.”

– Adam Gauthier

Want to share a story about fatherhood? Email fatherfigures@thedad.com

Check out the previous editions of Father Figures here.

Teen Allegedly Tweets From Smart Fridge After Devices Get Confiscated

Teen Allegedly Tweets From Fridge
(Twitter/thankunext327 LG)

Raising a teenager is universally understood to be the hardest part of parenting, for good reason. Babies change your lives and disrupt your sleep, toddlers are chaos machines, elementary school kids are challenging but at least they’re still cute.

Teenagers are independent and rebellious, smart and self-conscious, lazy and sarcastic, and they know everything! (Insert sarcasm font.) Every kid is different, of course, but as your kids get older and more fully-formed, keeping a handle on them gets harder and harder. Especially when they’re so damn resourceful!

Never has then been more apparent than in the case of a Twitter account named Dorothy, @thankunext327, an Ariana Grande stan who recently found herself in conflict with her mother. Dorothy is 15 years old, and apparently, like many 15-year-olds these days, is quite reliant on her phone and social media. So much so that when her mother confiscated her phone and other electronics, she couldn’t let that stand. She needed to tweet!

First, her mother took her phone.


Then, after realizing her clever teen was also able to tweet from her Nintendo DS, she took that away too.


Then she used her Wii because this teen can’t stop won’t stop tweeting.


The teen’s saga went viral, with the hashtag #FreeDorothy cementing her status as a legend…

…and that was before she found yet one more way to manipulate 2019 technology to get what she wanted after her mom took everything away again. Her smart fridge.

At this point, you almost expect her mom to reply with a gif of Ron Burgundy telling his dog he’s not even mad, just disappointed. Except, despite LG – the maker of her fridge – confirming to the Guardian that some of their models have social media capabilities, the teen’s story was starting to seem fishy.

The paper consulted Igor Brigadir, a computer researcher at University College Dublin, who combed through metadata and confirmed that while the Nintendo tweets were legit, the fridge tweet was not. “The LG fridge was definitely manually created,” he said.

Also manually created? The thousands of new followers Dorothy’s Twitter account gained over the course of her viral escapade. Whether she actually tweeted from her fridge or not, she definitely got the attention she was looking for!

Pitcher Strikes out Friend and Skips Celebration to Console Him

Koehn Consoles Kocon After Strike Out
(Twitter/Cut4)

As kids get older, sporting events seem to get more and more intense. With such fierce competition driving passions higher and higher, sportsmanship can often be the first casualty. Fortunately, this isn’t’ always the case though, as two high school baseball players in Minnesota exemplified after the climax of their game.

Not exactly a nail-biter, Mounds View led Totino-Grace, 17-10, in a matchup that would decide who would participate in the upcoming state championship. With two outs, Totino-Grace’s Jack Kocon walked to the plate hoping to make something happen in his team’s final moments.

Here are a couple of different views of the play:


With a pitch-perfect outside corner fastball, Koehn knocked out both Kocon and his team from contention. Hearing the call, Kocon began a defeated walk back to the dugout when Koehn whizzed passed his celebrating catcher to embrace his opponent and friend.

It’s something you don’t see every day, but Koehn and Kocon have a history when it comes to baseball. Apparently, the two grew up playing together in the Shoreview Area Baseball League and have maintained a close relationship ever since.

“I knew the game was going to keep going or it was going to end right there,” Koehn told sports website ‘Bring Me The News’. “I knew I had to say something. Our friendship is more important than just the silly outcome of a game. I had to make sure he knew that before we celebrated. It was more instinct, it just felt right.”

These boys perfectly exemplified what parents and coaches talk about when they emphasize sportsmanship, and even though one of their seasons ended that night, just about everyone is clamoring for more of what they both showed on that field.

The 10 Best Comments of the Week 8/18

Best Comments of the Week

Every week we pan for comedy gold in the comments section of our Facebook posts. If your comment cracks us up (or warms our hearts) we’ll showcase it here!

Here’s this week’s roundup of the 10 Best Comments of the Week:

1. Personal Growth

2. Back to Fooled

3. Toto-ally

4. New Me

5. Cold

6. Stacked

7. RIP RW

8. Leg Day

9. Naptime is a Pain

10. Trained

Check out the previous edition of The Best Comments of the Week here.

Flight Becomes Private Jet for Lucky Passenger but It Never Takes Off

Vincent Peone's Private Jet Experience
(Twitter/vincentpeone)

Flying can be a chore. No one is exactly sure how early you have to get to their airport anymore, so you either arrive three hours before your flight with nothing to do but wander around an overpriced mall, or you arrive 20 minutes before your flight and have to sprint through security like you’re in a John Hughes movie.

Throw kids or connections into the mix, and it can be hell. The one small joy you hold onto is that no one will sit in the seat next to you, and you can have a reasonable amount of space, a far upgrade from being forced to fit into a seat built for a skeleton. One man got to live the most extreme version of that in a Delta flight last week, as there was no one else seated in his row. Or the row in front of him. Or any of the rows, actually, as he was THE ONLY PASSENGER ON THE PLANE.

The short flight from Aspen to Salt Lake City was rescheduled and, amazingly, New York-based director Vincent Peone was the only passenger. The Delta staff had to pile on sandbags just to help even out the weight.

It’s rare to hear a great flying story these days, and this is right up there. The Delta staff still went through all the motions and announcements for their one passenger, and he thoroughly enjoyed the private plane experience he lucked into.

“It was an altogether very fun experience with a couple of tequila sodas involved when I finally sat down,” he told the Washington Post.

A flight attendant told Peone the airline probably spent $30,000 just to send him to Salt Lake City. Hearing stories like this is important because it’s nice to know it can randomly happen. It’s important to have this aspiration every time you go through security, even if your hopes get viciously dashed the second you get to the gate of your oversold flight.

And then there was a sad update to this story, the plane had mechanical problems and it never took flight:

Grandma Texts Baby Announcement to Stranger, He Brings Baby Gifts

Dennis and his brother Deorick
(Facebook/Yung Rich)

Getting pulled into a group text message is hardly the highlight of anyone’s day. That is unless it’s close family and friends sharing great news with their loved ones. Welcoming a new addition is likely the one instance where most folks are glad to be notified.

So when new parents Lindsey and Mark Lashley welcomed their son Cason into the world, Mark’s mom Teresa, like any new grandmother, was excited to share the big news. However unbeknownst to grandma, one of her contacts had changed their phone number. Instead of Mark’s cousin, grandma was inadvertently texting updates to the number’s new owner, a total stranger named Dennis Williams.

(Yung Rich)

Teresa, who subsequently sent several updates and photos to the group, didn’t realize she had included the stranger until Dennis and his brother, Deorick, showed up at the couples hospital room bearing gifts for the newborn. The exchange and resulting visit were shared by Williams in a post that has since been shared over 200k times.

(Yung Rich)

Mark told the Daily Mail that his mother didn’t realize at the time that she was inviting a stranger up to the couple’s room. “It was different. I mean, my friend just walked in and said: ‘There are some more people coming down the hallway,’ and we didn’t know who they were and they said, ‘Oh, we’re the ones who got the random text message.’

While Mark admits he likely wouldn’t have invited strangers to see their newborn, both he and his wife for grateful for the gifts and well wishes. “I don’t think we would have randomly invited them over but we appreciate it and the gifts. You don’t hear about much compassion in the news anymore.”

With the recent “number neighbor” posts going viral on Twitter, this story is an early example of how perfect strangers can create some damn fine shareable content.