Write Good Lyrics, My Ass (I Won’t Write Good Lyrics) – The All-Time Best Worst Country Lyrics

(Twitter/BunkiePerkins)

In November, country music star Neal McCoy released a pretty high profile political song called “Take a Knee, My Ass (I Won’t Take a Knee)”. Now, I’m not going to talk about my personal politics on this because this is meant to be a lighthearted take on things, and I am merely an idiot who writes stupid things on the internet.

What I AM going to do is talk about the lyricism of this song. Grammatically it is all over the place, and there are many, many good takes on the grammar of this all over the internet if you want to have a laugh with that.

But more important to me, is that, yet again, Country and Western proves itself to have the best* song lyrics. Country musicians have this insane ability to take a heartfelt message and talk about it in a completely nonsensical way, using bizarre similes and odd language throughout.

*you can replace best with almost any adjective and it remains a true statement

So here are some of my favorite country titles, with some of my favorite lyrical content.

“How Can I Miss You If You Won’t Go Away” – Dan Hicks and His Hot Licks

This one has something of a poignant message, I think. It’s about the way in which the closeness of a relationship can strangle a person and make them feel suffocated. All Dan Hicks and His Hot Licks want is a little space, is that too much to ask?!

Of course, I’m no country music star, and I don’t quite have the same way with words as Dan Hicks or His Hot Licks. He puts it so beautifully when he says:

“Your never ending presence really cramps my style

I dream that it won’t always be the same

At first I was attracted but after a while

Have you ever heard of the hard-to-get game?”

Ah, young love.

“I’ve Got Tears In My Ears From Lying On My Back Cryin’ Over You” – Homer & Jethro

Country is kind of weird when it comes to emotional vulnerability. We live in a world where men are not encouraged to feel their feelings, and certainly not to openly talk about sadness, heartbreak, and despair. Yet, country finds a way to openly talk about those feelings.

Look at this title. Homer & Jethro are not scared to talk about their feelings, and, frankly, good on them. Lyrically this song is shit, but that doesn’t matter! It’s honest! Yeah, it’s peppered with angry rejection, but it’s real!

“And the tears in my ears, they’re off the beaten track

Since you said “It’s goodbye, we are through”

So if I should get water on the brain

You will know you’re the one who is to blame”

Oh, Homer! Oh, Jethro!

“My Head Hurts, My Feet Stink, And I Don’t Love Jesus” – Jimmy Buffett

This one is all about the title, and there is a lot to unpack in this. Ok, Jimmy, your head hurts, sure. Your feet stink? Umm… Ok pal. Hmm? What’s that? You don’t love Jesus? Are you alright, Jim?

Basically, Jimmy has a hangover. A bad one. His head hurts (like the title!) so much that he doesn’t love Jesus today (like the title!). I’m not sure why his feet stink because of that but sure, why the heck not?

The story goes like this: Jimmy goes down to the snake pit to drink a little beer (just a little one!) and he ended up playing country music with his mate ol’ Joe Bones, and he had a few too many. He was at a bar and he kept breaking strings on his “ol’ guitar” and he needed a cab home. He asked someone to call a cab, then he asks some random woman to pay for it for him, and now he’s in bed drinking orange juice.

“(You Dun Stomped) On My Heart” – John Denver

Now this, this right here, this is a real country song. John Denver is sad. John Denver is mad. And John Denver is using weird vernacular to let us know just how sad and mad he is. The woman he loves has left him. How sad.

Some of the lyricism on this song is sensational. He calls her feet “cold busting stompers.” When he hopes that one day she too might feel the sting of a relationship ending he says he hopes she gets “them low down blues.” And obviously he uses the phrase “honky-tonk,” which I honestly don’t have a clue what it means.

But let’s talk about the chorus. We’ll go line by line.

“You dun stomped on my heard and you mashed that sucker flat.” Let’s stop and consider this. She “mashed” his heart. Mashed. Jesus Christ that is some aggressive imagery.

“You just sorta stomped on my aorta.” I’m done. Guys, I’m done. It’s just too good.

“You’re The Reason Our Kids Are So Ugly” – Conway Twitty & Loretta Lynn

This is a kind of cute song, in some ways. The message is that Conway and Loretta love each other, despite being fundamentally awful for each other. The end of every verse goes “looks ain’t everything, and money ain’t everything, but I love you just the same.” Awwww.

But let’s look at some of the other lyrics.

The structure of the verses is good. Conway says something mean. Loretta says something mean. And then they both say at the same time that they are the reason the kids are ugly. Firstly, if I was their kid I would be raging, but whatever.

“I’m Kissing You Goodbye” – Ray Stevens

What’s this? A normal song title? A normal song about normal people doing normal things like breaking up, right?

Wrong. This song is fucking weird.

Ray Stevens is trying to break up with his partner, because they have been lying, somehow. He doesn’t tell us what they’ve done, but there are some clues. “You just can’t be true dear, you’re spreading it around” gives the impression there has been something extra-curricular going on.

Some of the things he wants gone are great “get your dog outta my dog house, your cat outta my tree, get your bird outta my bird cage, I’m settin’ you free.” How many animals do they have?!

But the real gold in this one is the chorus. “Get your tongue outta my mouth cause I’m kissing you goodbye.” Essentially, he’s trying to give the boot, and they won’t stop trying to seduce him. Here is the full chorus in all its glory:

“Get your tongue outta my mouth – and wipe off that silly grin

Get your tongue outta my mouth – ain’t no telling where it’s been

Get your tongue outta my mouth – don’t try that again

Get your tongue outta my mouth

Get your tongue

Git yer tongue outta my mouf!”

How the hell was Bob Dylan the first songwriter to win the Nobel prize for literature?!

“Drop Kick Me Jesus” – Bobby Bare

Last, but by absolutely no means least, is Drop Kick Me Jesus by Bobby Bare. Now, when I first saw this song title I thought it must be a joke. It sounds like a call to see Jesus’ very popular WWE Finishing Move. But when you read the lyrics, it seems pretty sincere. There is a lot about religion in there (“Make me, oh, make me, Lord, more than I am / make me a piece in Your master game plan”), as you might expect, but, once again, the real gold is in the nonsense. I’m not even going to write anything about it. I’m just going to write the chorus, and leave it as that.

“Dropkick me, Jesus, through the goal posts of life

End over end, neither left nor to right

Straight through the heart of them, righteous up rights

Drop kick me, Jesus, through the goal posts of life.”

Man Gives Hugs To Baby Goats

9-Year-Old With Dyslexia Creates Incredible Rubik’s Cube Mosaics

Benjamin Russo's Mosaics
(Benjamin Russo)

Benjamin Russo is a pretty special young man. The 9-year-old who lives with his family in Canada recently posted a video sharing a talent that he says all stems from his unique superpower.

No, Benjamin can’t fly, nor can he see through walls or leap tall buildings in a single bound.

Benjamin has Dyslexia, which oftentimes makes things such as reading and understanding languages difficult. However, Benjamin’s mom Melanie Russo says his reading disability also comes with a few other characteristics which her son has turned into a heightened ability to perform otherwise complex tasks

Take for example the well-known Rubik’s cubes. The one-time toy that has now become the gold standard of brainy competitions around the world. Benjamin can finish a single side of the cube in about one second. While that’s not a world record or anything, it’s what he does after he has solved them that has people sharing his story and this incredible video:

It opens with Benjamin sharing his story via printed cards, then embarking on what ended up being a 5-hour session spread over several days to complete a pixel-perfect portrait of Professional Wrestler John Cena made completely out of specially solved cubes. The video ends with Benjamin sharing an important message, “Dyslexia is not my disability, Dyslexia is my SUPERPOWER.”

The video went viral, quickly spreading across the web and eventually to the social media feed of the WWE superstar himself. He then shared the clip with a special message for Benjamin and everyone else:

Benjamin shows no signs of slowing down either, recently posting this full-size homage to fan-favorite Keanu Reeves.

It’s yet another reminder that a diagnosis of dyslexia or autism is only a small part of an individual’s full story. We’re excited to see what Ben creates next, which he promises to share on his Instagram page found here.

Toddler Amazingly Makes Five Baskets In A Row

Disney CEO Suggests Baby Yoda is a Packers Fan, Internet Not Having It

Baby Yoda as Packers Fan
(Twitter/RobertIger)

Baby Yoda is having a moment. He’s taken the internet by storm and must be protected at all costs, before being fully exploited. Even the news Baby Yoda was coming to Build-A-Bear was well received and the scale had yet to be tipped.

That is, until yesterday when the head of Disney took things too far, making Baby Yoda officially a corporate SHILL. Robert Iger, Chairman and CEO of the Walt Disney Company, tweeted an image of Baby Yoda decked out in Green Bay Packers colors shortly before the NFC Championship game with a simple “Let’s go @Packers” message.

The internet didn’t take it well. While it’s still unconfirmed if this is a picture from Season 2 of “The Mandalorian” (it’s not), many were not happy with the blatant misrepresentation of everyone’s favorite force baby.

Clearly the Force was very much with the San Francisco 49ers, who thoroughly crushed the Packers and ended their season. Seeing the Baby Yoda magic come up short must make the memes like this sting a little bit more, but this is the risk you take by bringing a beloved icon into the mix.

Honestly, it probably makes more sense for Baby Yoda to be a 49ers fan, given that Lucasfilm’s offices are in San Francisco. Of course, he’s an alien in a fictional universe, so…maybe he doesn’t have any sports allegiances?

And inevitably, some decided to adopt the practice of making Baby Yoda a shill for whatever they wanted.

Disney has made several missteps with the Star Wars franchise in the eyes of many fans, and now their CEO has made yet another, keeping Baby Yoda out of the Super Bowl by tying him to the woefully inadequate Packers.

Boy Finally Able to Hug His Brother With New ‘Hulk’ Prosthetic Arm

Boy Hugs Brother With Hulk Arm
(Twitter/republic)

A 5-year-old boy in the U.K. became the first to receive a full prosthetic arm recently after being born prematurely and missing a significant portion of his left arm. And the thing Jacob Scrimshaw most excited to do with his new bionic arm? Finally hug his little brother.

The parents started looking into the groundbreaking procedure after the boy came home from school crying one day.

“I always thought Jacob coped well without his arm, but when he came home from school in tears I knew we had to do something,” his mom told a British news agency.

They initially had a tough time finding someone who could produce a functional prosthetic arm, as most said it wasn’t a reality when the upper arm was involved. The family eventually found a company that agreed to make it a reality so they crowd-funded to raise the money for it.

The robotic arm is pretty innovative (and not cheap, as it cost more than $20,000) but the boy is most excited because it’s green and modeled after The Hulk. His parents were excited to watch him open Christmas presents with two hands for the first time. And his little brother? Just excited to get a full hug from big bro.

Father Figures: The Face of Success

“The picture is of my husband at his graduation this past Monday, for his Bachelors degree. That’s the face of a proud graduate looking back at his wife and children after 5 years of blood, sweat, and tears…

…working two (sometimes three) jobs, raising three (going on four) kids, no babysitters, no grandparents, aunts or uncles to take the kids during midterms or finals, no nest egg for tuition, and giving up a 10-year career for a better future.

We had lots of emotional support and love, but we did all the heavy lifting… and his face shows it!

That’s the face of success!”

– Bettye Erich

Want to share a story about fatherhood? Email [email protected]

Check out the previous editions of Father Figures here.

The 10 Best Comments of the Week 1/19

Best Comments of the Week

Every week we pan for comedy gold in the comments section of our Facebook posts. If your comment cracks us up (or warms our hearts) we’ll showcase it here!

Here’s this week’s roundup of the 10 Best Comments of the Week:

1. Crazy Town 

2. Dependants  

3. 10-4 

4. Strip 

5. Yelpped

6. Cereal Killers 

7. Teach a Man 

8. Tip 

9. Devastating  

10. It’s Personal

Check out the previous edition of the best comments of the week here.

Bloated Dad Physically Unable to Fart Unless Finger is Pulled

Dad Unable to Fart Unless Finger is Pulled
(Getty/ljubaphoto)

HARTFORD, CT – Sprawled out on the couch in agonizing discomfort, local father Gabe White is hoping it’s not too much longer until his son returns home from day camp and can come to his aid, as Gabe is physically unable to fart unless someone pulls his finger.

“I spent so many years conditioning my body to fart on command that I can no longer do it without a very specific stimulus,” said a clearly bloated Gabe, who had no idea that years of pranking his child would backfire so spectacularly.

While Gabe has desperately attempted to squeeze out a fart for the past several hours his efforts have been all for naught, as he’s only managed to strain several ab muscles that he didn’t even know he had as they were hidden under his beer gut.

“I need you to come home from work and pull my finger,” said a desperate Gabe over the phone to his wife, who immediately hung up without a saying a word, thus leaving Gabe utterly despondent and unable to escape this hellish, gassy situation.

Unfortunately for Gabe, little does he know that his son had a playdate scheduled after camp today, which means it’ll be at least several more hours before he can relieve himself. Here’s hoping he gets lucky and the mailman shows up soon and is willing to lend a literal hand.

Despite being completely plausible to parents, THIS JUST IN is satire and intended for entertainment purposes only. For more stories like this one click here.

A Stranger Who Found a Sweet Note is on a Mission to #FindEmmasDad

Woman Finds Note From Daughter #FindEmmasDad
(Twitter/NevadaRoamer)

A woman was leaving the Denver airport when she saw what she thought was a piece of trash on the ground. She decided to pick it up to “put litter in its place” but realized it was a heartfelt note written by a girl to her father. What she thought was trash, was actually treasure – so she decided to try to find Emma’s dad.

“It was just about the sweetest thing I’ve ever read,” the woman, Alex Roberts, told a Denver news outlet. She shared a picture of the note on Twitter and started a campaign to #FindEmmasDad.

The note read:

Dear, Daddy
In all the things I do, I want to do them just like you. Although right now sort of small. Like you I want to be brave and smart, cause I love you, Daddy, with all my heart. When I am older I’ll be so glad if I grow up to be just like you.
Love, Emma

Ok, she is right, that is one of the sweetest things I’ve ever read. Roberts said she wants to find the dad so he can keep the deeply heartfelt letter, something she said she would treasure if it came from her kid. Still, she knows it’s a long shot to #FindEmmasDad.

“I mean what are the chances we find this person? But how cool would it be if we actually did?” she told a Denver News Channel. She surmised the dad is a big part of young Emma’s life.

“I feel like he’s a role model. He’s a very active person in her life and having a lot to do with how she perceives the world,” she said. “And I think that’s the kind of parent most people want to be and it sounds like this guy is succeeding.”

Yes, it is a longshot. But the Denver news stations seem to be signal-boosting the call, and the internet has banded together to solve far more hopeless situations. So, if you know the Dad of an Emma who either lives in Denver or has been in the airport recently (OK, this really may be a pretty big longshot), tell him to come get his letter!