Write Good Lyrics, My Ass (I Won’t Write Good Lyrics) – The All-Time Best Worst Country Lyrics

(Twitter/BunkiePerkins)

In November, country music star Neal McCoy released a pretty high profile political song called “Take a Knee, My Ass (I Won’t Take a Knee)”. Now, I’m not going to talk about my personal politics on this because this is meant to be a lighthearted take on things, and I am merely an idiot who writes stupid things on the internet.

What I AM going to do is talk about the lyricism of this song. Grammatically it is all over the place, and there are many, many good takes on the grammar of this all over the internet if you want to have a laugh with that.

But more important to me, is that, yet again, Country and Western proves itself to have the best* song lyrics. Country musicians have this insane ability to take a heartfelt message and talk about it in a completely nonsensical way, using bizarre similes and odd language throughout.

*you can replace best with almost any adjective and it remains a true statement

So here are some of my favorite country titles, with some of my favorite lyrical content.

“How Can I Miss You If You Won’t Go Away” – Dan Hicks and His Hot Licks

This one has something of a poignant message, I think. It’s about the way in which the closeness of a relationship can strangle a person and make them feel suffocated. All Dan Hicks and His Hot Licks want is a little space, is that too much to ask?!

Of course, I’m no country music star, and I don’t quite have the same way with words as Dan Hicks or His Hot Licks. He puts it so beautifully when he says:

“Your never ending presence really cramps my style

I dream that it won’t always be the same

At first I was attracted but after a while

Have you ever heard of the hard-to-get game?”

Ah, young love.

“I’ve Got Tears In My Ears From Lying On My Back Cryin’ Over You” – Homer & Jethro

Country is kind of weird when it comes to emotional vulnerability. We live in a world where men are not encouraged to feel their feelings, and certainly not to openly talk about sadness, heartbreak, and despair. Yet, country finds a way to openly talk about those feelings.

Look at this title. Homer & Jethro are not scared to talk about their feelings, and, frankly, good on them. Lyrically this song is shit, but that doesn’t matter! It’s honest! Yeah, it’s peppered with angry rejection, but it’s real!

“And the tears in my ears, they’re off the beaten track

Since you said “It’s goodbye, we are through”

So if I should get water on the brain

You will know you’re the one who is to blame”

Oh, Homer! Oh, Jethro!

“My Head Hurts, My Feet Stink, And I Don’t Love Jesus” – Jimmy Buffett

This one is all about the title, and there is a lot to unpack in this. Ok, Jimmy, your head hurts, sure. Your feet stink? Umm… Ok pal. Hmm? What’s that? You don’t love Jesus? Are you alright, Jim?

Basically, Jimmy has a hangover. A bad one. His head hurts (like the title!) so much that he doesn’t love Jesus today (like the title!). I’m not sure why his feet stink because of that but sure, why the heck not?

The story goes like this: Jimmy goes down to the snake pit to drink a little beer (just a little one!) and he ended up playing country music with his mate ol’ Joe Bones, and he had a few too many. He was at a bar and he kept breaking strings on his “ol’ guitar” and he needed a cab home. He asked someone to call a cab, then he asks some random woman to pay for it for him, and now he’s in bed drinking orange juice.

“(You Dun Stomped) On My Heart” – John Denver

Now this, this right here, this is a real country song. John Denver is sad. John Denver is mad. And John Denver is using weird vernacular to let us know just how sad and mad he is. The woman he loves has left him. How sad.

Some of the lyricism on this song is sensational. He calls her feet “cold busting stompers.” When he hopes that one day she too might feel the sting of a relationship ending he says he hopes she gets “them low down blues.” And obviously he uses the phrase “honky-tonk,” which I honestly don’t have a clue what it means.

But let’s talk about the chorus. We’ll go line by line.

“You dun stomped on my heard and you mashed that sucker flat.” Let’s stop and consider this. She “mashed” his heart. Mashed. Jesus Christ that is some aggressive imagery.

“You just sorta stomped on my aorta.” I’m done. Guys, I’m done. It’s just too good.

“You’re The Reason Our Kids Are So Ugly” – Conway Twitty & Loretta Lynn

This is a kind of cute song, in some ways. The message is that Conway and Loretta love each other, despite being fundamentally awful for each other. The end of every verse goes “looks ain’t everything, and money ain’t everything, but I love you just the same.” Awwww.

But let’s look at some of the other lyrics.

The structure of the verses is good. Conway says something mean. Loretta says something mean. And then they both say at the same time that they are the reason the kids are ugly. Firstly, if I was their kid I would be raging, but whatever.

“I’m Kissing You Goodbye” – Ray Stevens

What’s this? A normal song title? A normal song about normal people doing normal things like breaking up, right?

Wrong. This song is fucking weird.

Ray Stevens is trying to break up with his partner, because they have been lying, somehow. He doesn’t tell us what they’ve done, but there are some clues. “You just can’t be true dear, you’re spreading it around” gives the impression there has been something extra-curricular going on.

Some of the things he wants gone are great “get your dog outta my dog house, your cat outta my tree, get your bird outta my bird cage, I’m settin’ you free.” How many animals do they have?!

But the real gold in this one is the chorus. “Get your tongue outta my mouth cause I’m kissing you goodbye.” Essentially, he’s trying to give the boot, and they won’t stop trying to seduce him. Here is the full chorus in all its glory:

“Get your tongue outta my mouth – and wipe off that silly grin

Get your tongue outta my mouth – ain’t no telling where it’s been

Get your tongue outta my mouth – don’t try that again

Get your tongue outta my mouth

Get your tongue

Git yer tongue outta my mouf!”

How the hell was Bob Dylan the first songwriter to win the Nobel prize for literature?!

“Drop Kick Me Jesus” – Bobby Bare

Last, but by absolutely no means least, is Drop Kick Me Jesus by Bobby Bare. Now, when I first saw this song title I thought it must be a joke. It sounds like a call to see Jesus’ very popular WWE Finishing Move. But when you read the lyrics, it seems pretty sincere. There is a lot about religion in there (“Make me, oh, make me, Lord, more than I am / make me a piece in Your master game plan”), as you might expect, but, once again, the real gold is in the nonsense. I’m not even going to write anything about it. I’m just going to write the chorus, and leave it as that.

“Dropkick me, Jesus, through the goal posts of life

End over end, neither left nor to right

Straight through the heart of them, righteous up rights

Drop kick me, Jesus, through the goal posts of life.”

LEGO Celebrates The Mandalorian Season 2 With Life-Size 14,000 Piece Baby Yoda

LEGO Baby Yoda Big Build
(YouTube/LEGO)

LEGO has given us a huge array of Star Wars sets over the years, ranging from simple to over-the-top elaborate. The LEGO Star Wars partnership began in 1999, but due to the massive success of the iconic collaboration, LEGO has extended the partnership with Lucasfilm multiple times. Fortunately, we get to enjoy the sweet fruits of this match made in Alderaan until at least 2022.

The people at LEGO are extremely good at keeping up with the latest trends, releasing multiple sets based on The Mandalorian in under a year since the hugely successful series’ premiere. However, the first LEGO Mandalorian set was missing one very important character – Baby Yoda.

Baby Yoda quickly became the adorable, scrunchy little face of the Disney+ series, so its absence from the set was noticeable. LEGO remedied the situation by giving Baby Yoda its very own set. Though Baby Yoda isn’t actually the younger version of the wise old Yoda we know and love, Mandalorian fans quickly took a liking to The Child – maybe because whatever species these little green guys are, they’re freaking cute.

Over 1,000 pieces to build your very own LEGO Baby Yoda is a pretty sweet tribute – but how does 14,000 LEGO bricks sound? Big, it sounds big. And it is – in fact, LEGO celebrated the release of The Mandalorian season 2 by building a life-size version of The Child (a little over 22 inches tall). If you’re going to bring another Baby Yoda into the world, it’s important to make sure the little guy’s comfortable. Aside from building The Child himself, the LEGO masters built him his very own floating pod.

“Patience you must have,” real Yoda reminded us – and we’re pretty sure he was talking about this. Three master LEGO builders put this set together as a team, and it took a whopping total of 119 hours.

LEGO posted a video of the build on YouTube, but fortunately, they condensed 119 hours down to 55 seconds. The caption read, “‘The Child’ is back in Season 2 of The Mandalorian. Watch this video of our master builders creating a scale LEGO model of the galaxy’s cutest co-pilot.”

“Why did we build the cutest co-pilot in the galaxy?” LEGO’s video asked, which is truly an excellent question.

“Because this is the way!” An extremely on-brand answer that’s The Mandalorian equivalent of “because I said so.”

Regardless of the real reason, big Baby Yoda is cool as heck. Don’t forget to watch the Season 2 premiere of The Mandalorian on October 30 on Disney+, and if you’re planning on attempting your very own Big Build, may the force be with you.

Disney+ Lands Oscar Isaac on Marvel’s Moon Knight Show

oscar isaac is moon knight
(Getty/Francois G. Durand Marvel)

Last year, in the aftermath of Endgame and the end of the Infinity Stones saga, Marvel Studios laid out their plans for the future of the MCU.

Aside from the various movies that are still yet to see the light of day (Black Widow, The Eternals), and Thor and Dr. Strange sequels, they announced the WandaVision, Falcon and Winter Soldier, and Loki TV shows for Disney+. We know now that Hawkeye and Nick Fury are getting shows too, but not everyone on Disney+ will be from the movies.

Marvel also announced shows for lesser-known characters like She-Hulk and Ms. Marvel, which were recently cast, and someone called Moon Knight, a fan-favorite character who is a mercenary/vigilante/consultant (?) and is also a conduit for an Egyptian god named Khonshu.

Keanu Reeves was rumored to be in the running, but it looks like the former Resistance member, Oscar Isaac, is in. The Star Wars star has signed onto Disney+’s Moon Knight series, and aside from Samuel Jackson joining the platform, Isaac may be the biggest star Disney+ has.

Isaac is a talented actor who was nominated for an Oscar for the Coen Brothers’ Inside Llewyn Davis and has split his time between the Star Wars trilogy and prestige projects from respected directors like Alex Garland, JC Chandor, and Denis Villeneuve, with whom Isaac made the forthcoming Dune.

Isaac isn’t the first movie star to move to television, and he surely won’t be the last. Over the past decade, the divide between the TV and movie ecosystems has all but disappeared, and with the future of movie theaters in doubt, thanks to the impact of the coronavirus and the explosion of streaming, more and more box office stars may be taking refuge in TV projects.

As long as the people doing TV are as bad-ass as Oscar Isaac, I don’t have a problem with it. It’s also easy to see a future in which Isaac takes Moon Knight from Disney+ to the big screen, if and when movies come back. It’s hard to believe they’d grab such a big name for a minor character and keep him corralled to the small screen.

No word yet on when production will start.

He’s Back: Arnold Schwarzenegger Recovers From Second Heart Surgery

Arnold Back after Second Surgery
(Twitter/Schwarzenegger)

“I’ll be back.” The iconic phrase was made famous by Arnold in 1984 while playing a time-traveling robot assassin. He went on to use it in 7 other movies and then in real life after waking up from his first heart surgery in 2018.

He’s clearly a man of his word.

Arnold revealed on social media over the weekend he’s feeling “fantastic” after having an aortic valve replacement. The legendary actor and former politician thanked the doctors at the Cleveland Clinic for their work and posted a thumbs-up pic of him in the hospital recovery room. It won’t be long before he’s back Terminating trolls.

“I feel fantastic and have already been walking the streets of Cleveland enjoying your amazing statues. Thank you to every doc and nurse on my team!”


The heart surgery was a planned follow-up to the one he had in 2018 to replace a pulmonary valve. Both surgeries stem from Arnold’s congenital heart defect. Schwarzenegger also posted a few pictures of him walking around the city after his procedure, drawing some warnings from his kids in the comment section.

His son, Patrick, begged his dad not to work out. “❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️PLEASE DONT GO WORKOUT TODAY!!” he commented on the post.

His daughter Katherine showed her support with hearts, and his youngest son Joseph also sent his support, “Love you dad! How are you already hitting a lat spread???” he wrote on Instagram.

It wasn’t just his family sending good vibes his way, as even his co-star from the 2008 blockbuster hit True Lies (ok it was 1994, the real date just makes me feel old), Jamie Lee Curtis shared a sweet sentiment for her former co-star.

NASA Found Water on the Moon

Moon Water
(Twitter/NASA)

NASA revealed some major news Monday, announcing they have discovered water on the moon. And, possibly, like, a lot of it. This news was blasted across the NASA communication matrix, including an emoji-filled tweet, which doesn’t feel like the most authentic way to broadcast a major scientific discovery but hey, it is 2020.

It’s been a terrible year on Earth, but a cool year for space. We got confirmation the Pentagon recovered “off-world vehicles” and a chicken nugget became the first of its kind to reach space.

And now we have moon water.

In a press conference, NASA discussed the two groundbreaking studies and the accompanying data to back up the discovery of water on the sunlit side of the moon, along with the possibility that there is much more water than previously believed (or hypothesized) on the moon.

“For the first time, water has been confirmed to be present on the sunlit surface of the moon,” said the director of the astrophysics division at NASA’s Science Mission Directorate during the press conference.

“We had indications that H2O — the familiar water we know — might be present on the sunlit side of the moon. Now we know it is there. This discovery challenges our understanding of the lunar surface and raises intriguing questions about resources relevant for deep space exploration.”

The agency detected the water with the Stratospheric Observatory for Infrared Astronomy airborne telescope. The SOFIA is basically a plane with a huge telescope in it. And it has space geeks excited that water can exist in the harsh circumstances on the surface of the moon and the possibility we could use more of the moon’s resources in future explorations.

Not only could we drink the moon water, if we were ever seriously planning to colonize the moon, having a source of water is absolutely essential for the splash park (no society can exist without one).

Monday’s announcement also included data from a second study that hypothesized many dark pockets on the moon could be filled with moon ice (some of these have been in darkness for billions of years). Further study needs to be done to map out just how much water is on the moon, but from a science standpoint, it was a big breakthrough for NASA.

Frozen Foods Company Makes History by Sending the First Chicken Nugget to Space

Nugget Launched into Space
(Facebook/Iceland Foods)

One small trip for a chicken nugget, one giant leap for the only food my kids will eat. A frozen-foods company made history this year by launching the first chicken nugget into space. The nugget now joins the elite class of various astronauts and assorted animals as the first of their kind to leave the planet.

Iceland Foods was the British company that celebrated their 50th anniversary by launching it into space. It’s been a great year for space, with the news the Pentagon had recovered off-world vehicles and the NASA dads making their trip outta here in a SpaceX vehicle. And now, this:

The company used a space-marketing company (which…is a thing that exists, I guess) to launch their nugget, which was secured to a weather balloon and cameras during its ascent miles into the atmosphere. It reached an altitude of 111,000 feet, which the company said translated into about 880,000 nuggets. The best part is you can watch it float away, and then come crashing back down to earth (at a speed of 200 mph) as all dreamers do eventually.

The nugget looked to be in good shape, especially as it hit temperatures approaching negative 100 degrees, but there is no word yet on what “out of this world” tastes like.

Father of Three Decorates Thousands of Lunch Bags With Dad Jokes

Dad decorates sandwich bags with dad jokes
(Instagram/sandwichbagdad)

Dave Blumenthal, a 44-year-old father of three knows how to make lunch memorable for his daughters. It’s not what’s inside the paper lunch bags that make his daughters’ school lunches special, but oddly enough, it’s what’s on the outside that counts. Though he has no formal training, Blumenthal is an artist – an artist that combines his love for his daughters with his never-ending supply of dad jokes. For over 8 years, Dave Blumenthal has been turning his daughters’ lunch bags into hilarious works of art.

It all started with a sandwich when Dave and his wife’s first daughter went off to school. “We had a newborn in the house at the time so my wife tried to make our first born feel special by cutting some shapes in her school lunch sandwiches,” Dave explained.

Dave soon took over the sandwich-cutting duty, carving the bread into shapes of cartoon characters and letters of the alphabet much to the delight of his daughter and her classmates. Once the bread-carving became too time-consuming, Dave decided to draw directly on the bags themselves – and he hasn’t stopped since.

 

View this post on Instagram

 

A post shared by SandwichBagDad (@sandwichbagdad) on

The bag reveal became a highly-anticipated moment in the school day for both teachers and students, sparking conversations, and even helping Dave’s oldest daughter overcome her shyness. Despite their success in the classroom, Dave didn’t have any intention of expanding his lunch bag project. That is, until his daughter’s teacher convinced him to share his hilarious jokes with the world. Shortly after, Sandwich Bag Dad was born.

 

View this post on Instagram

 

A post shared by SandwichBagDad (@sandwichbagdad) on

“I am honestly still amazed that my humble little bag drawings have attracted so much attention,” Dave marveled. “I seriously never expected to gain any followers – other than my family – when I first started posting. My kids still shake their head that there are so many people who voluntarily choose ‘the sandwichbagdad experience.’”

 

View this post on Instagram

 

A post shared by SandwichBagDad (@sandwichbagdad) on

It’s immediately evident why Dave’s sandwich bags have attracted almost 7,000 Instagram followers – between the unique take on dad jokes, the impressive art, and the fact that he does it all for his kids, it’s a truly wholesome undertaking. Though some people find it hard to believe, these entertaining sandwich bags do indeed fulfill their intended purpose.

 

View this post on Instagram

 

A post shared by SandwichBagDad (@sandwichbagdad) on

Dave explained, “The bags are absolutely and positively genuine lunch bags which my kids take to school! All my posts are just the ‘before’ pics. While some end up being hung up on their classroom walls, the vast majority end up coming home crumbled and very much worse for wear after holding a sandwich in them for a few hours. Most end up being tossed into the recycling!”

Though Dave is often encouraged to expand his “sandwichbagdad” empire, he has no plans to do so at this point in time. “At the moment, I’m just happy making people smile and knowing my dadjoke superpowers are being used for good not evil!”

 

View this post on Instagram

 

A post shared by SandwichBagDad (@sandwichbagdad) on

For a concentrated dose of dad jokes, follow him on Instagram.

UFC GOAT Retires After Victory Citing The Loss of His Father

khabib nurmagomedov retires
(Twitter/UFC/ Instagram/khabib_nurmagomedov)

One of the greatest mixed martial artists in UFC history is stepping away from the sport at his pinnacle, and he’s citing the loss of his dad and coach earlier this year as the reason for his retirement. Make no mistake, unbeaten UFC lightweight champion Khabib Nurmagomedov is the best pound-for-pound fighter in the world, and he retires unbeaten with a perfect 29-0 record. He announced his retirement immediately after defeating Justin Gaethje in a title match on Saturday. A match he won despite BREAKING HIS FOOT before the fight.

“This is my last fight. There’s no way I’m going to be back without my father,” he said. “ I spoke to my mother. She don’t know how I fight without father, but I promised it’s going to be my last fight, and if I give my word, I have to follow it.”

His dad, Abdulmanap, passed away in July from COVID-related complications. His dad was his longtime trainer and coach, and Khabib will walk away from the Octagon rather than continuing to defend the title without a key member of his team.


As word of his retirement spread, UFC stars poured in tributes to Khabib, who will go down in history as one of the greatest ever. Dana White was quick to call him the best pound-for-pound fighter in the game right now. He went even further, calling him the GOAT in the sport’s history.


Any mention of the word “GOAT” and of course, there’s going to be a debate, but no one can really challenge that he was the greatest lightweight champion the sport has ever seen. And he was the best fighter his dad worked with, but not the only, as the UFC now has a number of fighters that got their start in Russia thanks to him.


He was emotional in the Octagon after his win, and while it may seem crazy to some to walk away in your prime, it doesn’t to those who how close the two were.

Khabib learned the sport from his dad, and even his trainers acknowledge the major presence he had on his son. In fact, Khabib’s relationship with his dad seemed stronger than most, as he even called his dad his best friend and once told a reporter after a win that his advice for youngsters would be “respect your parents.”

Sister Creates Disney at Home After Little Brother’s Trip Was Canceled by COVID

Sister's at home disney experience
(The Dad Break)

In the grand scheme of what COVID-19 has done to our country, a missed vacation may not seem like a big deal. But to an 8-year-old desperately looking forward to a trip to DisneyWorld, it’s everything. And his older sister was determined to give him that trip, even if it meant making it happen without leaving the house.

10-year-old Ella’s goal was to give her little brother with Down syndrome the best at-home Disney trip possible, even if it meant the rides would be virtual. Other families have done the at-home Disney thing on a smaller scale during the pandemic, but none quite as well as Ella pulled it off. Her mom told Good Morning America she spent six weeks planning it for him, and included four ride experiences, an ice cream cart with Mickey Bars, and even nailed the perfect background music.

As you can see in the video, shared by The Dad, he had an awesome time. It’s the type of heartwarming gesture you hope to see in your own kids someday.

It’s just the best. That’s all you can really say about it. The type of thing that restores your faith in humanity, and the type of content that makes you feel a little bit better about how people are taking care of the loved ones in their world.

Father Figures: All of the Things

“This my dad. He has done such a good job raising me and my brother as a single Dad.

He put my hair up in a ponytail when I was little; he found a pad for me when I got my first period – when we were in an airport! (after that he made sure to pack pads in first aid kits just in case); he took me to get my eyebrows done for the first time when my eyebrows were getting really bushy with puberty…

He did all of the things!

He worked late into the nights so he could be around to coach my high school softball team, and he was so proud when I graduated from Notre Dame, where he went to school.

He is the best and I love him so much.”

– Rachel Twist