Write Good Lyrics, My Ass (I Won’t Write Good Lyrics) – The All-Time Best Worst Country Lyrics

(Twitter/BunkiePerkins)

In November, country music star Neal McCoy released a pretty high profile political song called “Take a Knee, My Ass (I Won’t Take a Knee)”. Now, I’m not going to talk about my personal politics on this because this is meant to be a lighthearted take on things, and I am merely an idiot who writes stupid things on the internet.

What I AM going to do is talk about the lyricism of this song. Grammatically it is all over the place, and there are many, many good takes on the grammar of this all over the internet if you want to have a laugh with that.

But more important to me, is that, yet again, Country and Western proves itself to have the best* song lyrics. Country musicians have this insane ability to take a heartfelt message and talk about it in a completely nonsensical way, using bizarre similes and odd language throughout.

*you can replace best with almost any adjective and it remains a true statement

So here are some of my favorite country titles, with some of my favorite lyrical content.

“How Can I Miss You If You Won’t Go Away” – Dan Hicks and His Hot Licks

This one has something of a poignant message, I think. It’s about the way in which the closeness of a relationship can strangle a person and make them feel suffocated. All Dan Hicks and His Hot Licks want is a little space, is that too much to ask?!

Of course, I’m no country music star, and I don’t quite have the same way with words as Dan Hicks or His Hot Licks. He puts it so beautifully when he says:

“Your never ending presence really cramps my style

I dream that it won’t always be the same

At first I was attracted but after a while

Have you ever heard of the hard-to-get game?”

Ah, young love.

“I’ve Got Tears In My Ears From Lying On My Back Cryin’ Over You” – Homer & Jethro

Country is kind of weird when it comes to emotional vulnerability. We live in a world where men are not encouraged to feel their feelings, and certainly not to openly talk about sadness, heartbreak, and despair. Yet, country finds a way to openly talk about those feelings.

Look at this title. Homer & Jethro are not scared to talk about their feelings, and, frankly, good on them. Lyrically this song is shit, but that doesn’t matter! It’s honest! Yeah, it’s peppered with angry rejection, but it’s real!

“And the tears in my ears, they’re off the beaten track

Since you said “It’s goodbye, we are through”

So if I should get water on the brain

You will know you’re the one who is to blame”

Oh, Homer! Oh, Jethro!

“My Head Hurts, My Feet Stink, And I Don’t Love Jesus” – Jimmy Buffett

This one is all about the title, and there is a lot to unpack in this. Ok, Jimmy, your head hurts, sure. Your feet stink? Umm… Ok pal. Hmm? What’s that? You don’t love Jesus? Are you alright, Jim?

Basically, Jimmy has a hangover. A bad one. His head hurts (like the title!) so much that he doesn’t love Jesus today (like the title!). I’m not sure why his feet stink because of that but sure, why the heck not?

The story goes like this: Jimmy goes down to the snake pit to drink a little beer (just a little one!) and he ended up playing country music with his mate ol’ Joe Bones, and he had a few too many. He was at a bar and he kept breaking strings on his “ol’ guitar” and he needed a cab home. He asked someone to call a cab, then he asks some random woman to pay for it for him, and now he’s in bed drinking orange juice.

“(You Dun Stomped) On My Heart” – John Denver

Now this, this right here, this is a real country song. John Denver is sad. John Denver is mad. And John Denver is using weird vernacular to let us know just how sad and mad he is. The woman he loves has left him. How sad.

Some of the lyricism on this song is sensational. He calls her feet “cold busting stompers.” When he hopes that one day she too might feel the sting of a relationship ending he says he hopes she gets “them low down blues.” And obviously he uses the phrase “honky-tonk,” which I honestly don’t have a clue what it means.

But let’s talk about the chorus. We’ll go line by line.

“You dun stomped on my heard and you mashed that sucker flat.” Let’s stop and consider this. She “mashed” his heart. Mashed. Jesus Christ that is some aggressive imagery.

“You just sorta stomped on my aorta.” I’m done. Guys, I’m done. It’s just too good.

“You’re The Reason Our Kids Are So Ugly” – Conway Twitty & Loretta Lynn

This is a kind of cute song, in some ways. The message is that Conway and Loretta love each other, despite being fundamentally awful for each other. The end of every verse goes “looks ain’t everything, and money ain’t everything, but I love you just the same.” Awwww.

But let’s look at some of the other lyrics.

The structure of the verses is good. Conway says something mean. Loretta says something mean. And then they both say at the same time that they are the reason the kids are ugly. Firstly, if I was their kid I would be raging, but whatever.

“I’m Kissing You Goodbye” – Ray Stevens

What’s this? A normal song title? A normal song about normal people doing normal things like breaking up, right?

Wrong. This song is fucking weird.

Ray Stevens is trying to break up with his partner, because they have been lying, somehow. He doesn’t tell us what they’ve done, but there are some clues. “You just can’t be true dear, you’re spreading it around” gives the impression there has been something extra-curricular going on.

Some of the things he wants gone are great “get your dog outta my dog house, your cat outta my tree, get your bird outta my bird cage, I’m settin’ you free.” How many animals do they have?!

But the real gold in this one is the chorus. “Get your tongue outta my mouth cause I’m kissing you goodbye.” Essentially, he’s trying to give the boot, and they won’t stop trying to seduce him. Here is the full chorus in all its glory:

“Get your tongue outta my mouth – and wipe off that silly grin

Get your tongue outta my mouth – ain’t no telling where it’s been

Get your tongue outta my mouth – don’t try that again

Get your tongue outta my mouth

Get your tongue

Git yer tongue outta my mouf!”

How the hell was Bob Dylan the first songwriter to win the Nobel prize for literature?!

“Drop Kick Me Jesus” – Bobby Bare

Last, but by absolutely no means least, is Drop Kick Me Jesus by Bobby Bare. Now, when I first saw this song title I thought it must be a joke. It sounds like a call to see Jesus’ very popular WWE Finishing Move. But when you read the lyrics, it seems pretty sincere. There is a lot about religion in there (“Make me, oh, make me, Lord, more than I am / make me a piece in Your master game plan”), as you might expect, but, once again, the real gold is in the nonsense. I’m not even going to write anything about it. I’m just going to write the chorus, and leave it as that.

“Dropkick me, Jesus, through the goal posts of life

End over end, neither left nor to right

Straight through the heart of them, righteous up rights

Drop kick me, Jesus, through the goal posts of life.”

Son Surprises Ailing Dad With Tickets To College World Series

Father’s Day is a special time to celebrate your old man, and show him how much you appreciate the role he’s played in your life all these years. Especially since, as we get older, our dads do too, and they may not have many Father’s Days left.

Matt Lea recognized that this Father’s Day, and so went out of his way to make it a memorable one, for both him and his father, both former college baseball players who bonded over the game as Matt was growing up.

Matt’s father Billy suffers from Alzheimer’s Disease, and the symptoms have been accruing rapidly. But that doesn’t mean there isn’t time for more memories, and Matt used the latest Father’s Day as an opportunity to do just that. The 36-year-old drove 12 hours, from Florida to Mississippi, and surprised his parents at their doorstep on Sunday.

He was bearing gifts as well, bringing his dad the jersey of his favorite baseball team, Mississippi State. But that wasn’t all. Matt brought tickets too, to see the College World Series in Omaha in person.

In video of the exchange that Matt posted on Twitter, his dad was clearly taken by surprise.

“I figured it’s probably not good enough just for us to watch the game here,” Matt says in the video as he produces the tickets. “How about we go to Omaha? Do you want to go up to Omaha and watch the College World Series together?”

“Golly,” an emotional Billy responds. “You’re gonna break my heart, here.”

Matt’s gift for his dad received a rapturous response from Twitter, where it’s been liked 46,000 times and retweeted 11,000 times.

Matt seemed as surprised by the response as his dad was by the gift, as everyone who celebrated Father’s Day yesterday knows, there’s nothing better than sharing meaningful memories with your dad, which is exactly what Matt did. An article on Omaha.com details Billy’s baseball past, the initial diagnosis of his Alzheimer’s, the VIP experience Matt treated him too over the weekend.

Matt’s Twitter account showcased the rest.

Happy Father’s Day!

Amazing Street Artist Uses Everyday Objects As His Canvas

(Twitter/tombobnyc)

Artist Tom Bob doesn’t see the world like other people. Where you and I might see sewer grates or metal pipes, he sees ghosts and saxophone players.

Check out some of the amazing ways he’s transforming parts of New York City into works of art.

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(Twitter/tombobnyc)

Check out more of Tom Bob and his unique artwork here.

Father Figures: Heroes

“On February 2, 2011, my daughter was born. The whole thing started pretty normally about 2:30 am or so, my wife woke me up and said, ‘Honey, it is time to go,’ so we went to the hospital in a snowstorm.

That was the easy part.

When they put the belly monitor on her they noticed that the babies heart rate would drop to low whenever my wife would have a contraction. She needed emergency C-section, but the doctor could not make it due to the storm, and when he finally arrived it was rush rush rush!
Well when my daughter Emily did arrive, she had internal bleeding throughout her body, which included two grade 4 brain bleeds. We could not touch her because she would bruise and start bleeding.
They had to life-flight her to the university, where she spent 5 1/2 weeks in the NICU, which left her (you may want to sit down) deaf/blind, with hydrocephalus, a shunt, cerebral palsy, and seizures (at age 6, she needed a baclofen pump because her CP got too bad to handle without it). She is doing great today. She is happy, loves life, and everyone who meets her says that she makes their day and she is beautiful.
To pay back our little community, I became a first responder, mostly a firefighter, but I did help with EMS. Never got my certification, but that is where I found out that in the U.S. we do not have any training for first responders to deal with children with special needs.
I have made it my personal mission to teach first responders about kids with special needs.
I have taken to Emily to every EMS/Fire station in the five counties around me. I have taken her to the police and sheriff’s departments to train them, and now I have a waiting list to get trained.
I don’t know if I am the hero here, but I needed to tell the story.”

– Mike Kuyper

Want to share a story about fatherhood? Email fatherfigures@thedad.com

Low Cost Cosplay Guy Makes The World A Better Place

(Facebook/Lowcostcosplay)

Anucha “Cha” Saengchart, the genius behind “Low Cost Cosplay,” has amassed millions of followers with his incredible reimaginings of famous fictional characters.

Whether you’re planning on portraying your favorite anime character or a Marvel superhero, this guy can show you how to do it effectively and on a string budget.

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Can’t get enough? Check out more creative cosplay on his Facebook page.

Dad Turns Photos Of Daughter Into Kickass Album Covers

(Instagram/rfosterdesign)

When graphic designer Ryan Foster spotted a somber, black and white photo of his daughter, Harper Lou, it instantly reminded him of a blues album cover. He couldn’t help but throw some graphics onto the image to create her first “album” cover himself.

This has led to a series of album covers featuring Harper Lou, many of which look pretty damn legit. She may not be making actual records yet, but her dad will definitely be ready when she does.

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You can find more awesome album covers as well as other design projects by Ryan on his Instagram.

The 5 Hottest Father’s Day Tech Gifts Your Dad Will Ask To See The Receipt For

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Mother’s Day is in the rearview and our annual celebration of everything Dad is fast approaching. Sure, he loved those grilling tongs and Three Stooges boxsets you got him last year. But if there’s one things all dads love, it’s being assured that they’ve genetically passed on their cheapness. Here are 5 Father’s Day gadgets your dad is definitely going to demand the receipt for.

1. A smart speaker

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Source: Amazon

These have become relatively expensive in recent years. This, of course, isn’t going to stop your dad from assuming it set you back several thousand dollars. Your dad just figured out how to make a Facebook profile. He’s gonna need a minute on talking AI servants.

2. A streaming stick

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Source: Roku

“So yeah, you just plug this Roku stick into the TV and you can pretty much watch anything you want.” That’s you. That’s you telling your dad you just spent a boatload of money on a piece of technology. “Instant access to every movie ever made” is your dad’s cue to ask you to retrieve the Best Buy receipt crammed in the console’s cupholder.

3. A dashcam

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Source: Amazon

These are great to have in the event of an accident. Unfortunately, your dad is still under the impression it’s 1999 and all digital cameras cost ten million dollars. Be sure to keep this receipt in your wallet, because this thing’s going right back to the store if it ran you how much he thinks it ran you.

4. An e-reader

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Source: Amazon

What a lovely thought. Your dad, sitting up in bed, every book he could possibly want at his fingertips. What will he read first? A book about World War II? The biography of Henry Ford? The answer is, of course, the receipt for this fancy reading tablet that probably set you back three mortgage payments.

5. A yearly-subscription to a music streaming service

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Source: Spotify

You just want him to be able to listen to the Doobie Brothers whenever he wants. But by his math, if buying a single song on iTunes costs $1, and Spotifly, as he calls it, gives you access to over four million songs, you’ve essentially just bankrupted your family. Good job. Be sure to keep that receipt handy to prove to him that he can still see his grandkids attend college one day.