Yippy Ki-Yay, Mother F*ckers! 50+ Quotes From Die Hard, The World’s Greatest Christmas Movie

die hard quotes
(20th Century Fox)

In 1988 something truly spectacular happened: We watched Die Hard and met Bruce Willis’ salty, sassy John McClane. The New York detective was the stuff of nightmares for bad guys everywhere…especially Hans Gruber (RIP Alan Rickman). He was a boss’ worst nightmare. He cursed worse than any sailor or trucker we’ve ever met, even as adults. And, you guys, he was so freaking cool. The movie was full of quotable lines, which earned it instant icon status and us a firm talking to or a mouthful of soap if our moms ever heard. That didn’t exactly stop us, though… did it?

John McClane started off old and crotchety and has only gotten better with age. We’re now thirty-something years and five movies into the franchise. He’s like a fine wine because he only gets better with age. Was A Good Day To Die Hard our final chance to hang with John McClane? We hope not. We need to keep watching him age to know how we’re supposed to do it properly. The film also started one of the longest-running debates in film history: is Die Hard a Christmas movie? In fact, according to the latest search data available, there are nearly 2,500 Google searches for that same question a month. A month!

Warning: (Read this in a John McClane voice). Obviously, this isn’t PG-13. Get over it and don’t read it around children.

Iconic Quotes From Die Hard

1. Dwayne T. Robinson: How do you know that?
Sgt. Al Powell: A hunch, things he said. Like being able to spot a phony ID.

Dwayne T. Robinson: Jesus Christ, Powell, he could be a fucking bartender for all we know!

2. John McClane: Glass, who gives a shit about glass?

3. Hans Gruber: Mr. Mystery Guest? Are you still there?

John McClane: Yeah, I’m still here. Unless you wanna open the front door for me.

4. Dwayne T. Robinson: This is Deputy Chief of Police, Dwayne T. Robinson, and I am in charge of this situation.

John McClane: Oh, you’re in charge? Well, I got some bad news for you Dwayne, from up here it doesn’t look like you’re in charge of jack shit.

5. John McClane: Now I know how a TV dinner feels.

6. Hans Gruber: We do NOT alter the plan!

Karl: And, if HE alters it?

7. John McClane: Welcome to the party pal!

8. Hans Gruber: Uh, no, I’m afraid not. But, you have me at a loss. You know my name but who are you? Just another American who saw too many movies as a child? Another orphan of a bankrupt culture who thinks he’s John Wayne? Rambo? Marshal Dillon?

John McClane: Was always kinda partial to Roy Rogers actually. I really like those sequined shirts.

9. Hans Gruber: Now I have a machine gun. Ho-ho-ho.

10. John McClane: [huddled in an air vent, recalls his wife’s invitation] Come out to the coast, we’ll get together, have a few laughs…

11. Hans Gruber: You asked for miracles, I give you… the FBI.

12. Hans Gruber: [Hans’ radio turns on] I thought I told all of you, I want radio silence until further…

John McClane: Ooooh, I’m very sorry Hans. I didn’t get that message. Maybe you should’ve put it on the bulletin board. I figured since I’ve waxed Tony and Marco and his friend here, I figured you and Karl and Franco might be a little lonely, so I wanted to give you a call.

12. Store clerk: (looking at Twinkies) I thought you guys just ate donuts?

13. Hans Gruber: (On the radio) You are most troublesome for a security guard.

14. Hans Gruber: Who are you, then?

John McClane: Just a fly in the ointment, Hans. A monkey in the wretch. A pain in the ass.

15. John McClane: It’s okay, I’m a cop. Trust me, I’ve been doing this for eleven years.

16. Takagi: You want money? What kind of terrorists are you?

Hans Gruber: Who said we were terrorists?

17. John McClane: I’m a cop from New York.

Hans Gruber: New York?

John McClane: Got invited to the Christmas party by mistake. Who knew? (Hans looks at John’s bare feet) Better than getting caught with your pants down. (Laughs) I’m John McClane.

18. Sergeant Al Powell: Hey Roy, how you feeling?

John McClane: Pretty fuckin’ unappreciated, Al.

19. Hans Gruber: I spent a weekend at a combat ranch. You know that game with the guns that shoot red paint? Probably seems kind of stupid to you.

20. Holly Gennero McClane: You’ll have to forgive Ellis. He gets very depressed this time of year. He thought he was God’s greatest gift. You know?

21. John McClane: I think he’s got his eye on you.

Holly Gennero McClane: That’s okay. I have my eye on his private bathroom.

22. John McClane: No. [hands him the gun] Time for the real thing, Bill. All you gotta do is pull the trigger.

23. Marco: No more table! Where are you going to go now? Let me give you some advice: Next time you have the chance to kill someone, don’t hesitate!

John McClane: (Kills him) Thanks for the advice.

24. John McClane: Why don’t you take THIS under consideration, motherfucker?

25. John McClane: You throw quite a party. I didn’t realize they celebrated Christmas in Japan.

Joseph Takagi: Hey, we’re flexible. Pearl Harbor didn’t work out so we got you with tape decks.

26. John McClane: “Nine million terrorists in the world and I gotta kill one with feet smaller than my sister.”

27. John McClane: No fucking shit lady, does it sound like I’m ordering a pizza?

28. Ellis: Hey babe, I negotiate million-dollar deals for breakfast. I think I can handle this Eurotrash.

29. John McClane: You’re pretty tricky with that accent. You oughtta be on fuckin’ TV with that accent.

30. Hans Gruber: You Americans are all alike. Well, this time John Wayne does not walk off into the sunset with Grace Kelly.

John McClane: That’s Gary Cooper, asshole.

31. Holly Gennero McClane: Only John can make somebody that crazy.

32. Hans Gruber: Do you really think you have a chance against us Mr. cowboy?

John McClane: Yippie Ki Yay Motherfucker!

33. Hans Gruber: I am going to count to three. There will not be a four.

34. Tony: You won’t hurt me.

John McClane: Oh, yeah? Why not?

Tony: Because you’re a policeman. There are rules for policemen.

John McClane: Yeah. That’s what my captain keeps telling me.

35. Dwayne T. Robinson: We’re gonna need some more FBI guys, I guess.

36. Hans Gruber: I wanted this to be professional, efficient, adult, cooperative. Not a lot to ask.

37. Hans: The following people are to be released from their captors: In Northern Ireland, the seven members of the New Provo Front. In Canada, the five imprisoned leaders of Liberte de Quebec. In Sri Lanka, the nine members of the Asian Dawn movement…

John McClane: (listening on the radio) What the fuck?

Karl: (mouthing silently) Asian Dawn?

Hans: (covers the radio) I read about them in Time magazine.

38. Hans Gruber: Alas, your Mr. Takagi did not see it that way… so he won’t be joining us for the rest of his life.

39. Hans Gruber: We can go any way you want it. You can walk out of here or be carried out. But have no illusions. We are in charge.

40. Dwayne T. Robinson: Oh god I hope that’s not a hostage.

41. Hans Gruber: That’s a nice suit. It’d be a shame to ruin it

42. John McClane: Happy trails, Hans.

43. John McClane: Is the building destroyed?

Sgt. Al Powell: No, but it’s gonna need a new paint job and a shit-load of screen doors.

44. John McClane: Who’s driving his car, Stevie Wonder?

45. John McClane: Asshole? I’m not the one who just got butt-fucked on national TV. Now, you listen to me, jerk-off, if you’re not a part of the solution, you’re a part of the problem. Quit being a part of the fucking problem and put the other guy back on!

46. John McClane: Hans! You motherfucker, you made your point. Now let them pull back!

47. John McClane (after looking down an elevator shaft): Fuck me.

48. John McClane(just before he blows up James and Alexander with the C4): Geronimo, motherfucker!

49. John McClane: I’m on your side assholes!

 

Quotes From Die Hard 2: Die Harder

50. Capt. Grant: Too bad, McClane. I kinda liked you.

John McClane: I’ve got enough friends!

51. John McClane: How can the same shit happen to the same guy twice.

52. Marvin: You like it, huh? How ’bout you give me twenty bucks for it.

John McClane: How ’bout I let you live?

Marvin: Man knows how to barter.

53. Capt. Grant: You are just in the wrong place, at the wrong time.

John McClane: Story of my life.

54. John McClane: Just once, I’d like a regular, normal Christmas. Eggnog, a fuckin’ Christmas tree, a little turkey. But, no! I gotta crawl around in this motherfuckin’ tin can!

55. Flight Attendant: (to Holly) What did you do?

Holly: Knocked out two of his teeth.

Flight Attendant: Would you like some champagne?

56. Lorenzo: Yeah, yeah. I know who you are. You’re the asshole that’s just broke seven FAA and five District of Columbia regulations, running around my airport with a gun, shooting at people. What do you call that shit?

McClane: Self-defense.

57. McClane: Powell, put down that Twinkie and talk to me!

Powell: John! How the hell you been?

58. Holly McClane: Listen Dick. That is your name? Dick. If you’re gonna continue to get this close do you think you might consider switching aftershaves?

Thornberg: Anything else?

Holly McClane: Stronger mouthwash would be nice.

59. John McClane: (To Captain Lorenzo) Hey Carmine, let me ask you something: What sets off a metal detector first? The lead in your ass or the shit in your brains?

12 Funniest Parenting Tweets of the Week 11/27/20

Funniest Parenting Tweets of the Week 11/27/20
(Getty/Cavan Images Twitter/dadmann_walking)

According to my records, we are quickly approaching The Season To Be Jolly. No matter what holiday you’re celebrating in the coming month (though we’re all united in the celebration of a Happy Honda Days), the lead-up is full of anticipation. This year, as we’ve grown tired of saying, things will look a bit different. As always though, we can count on our kids to remind us what’s really important – making the best of every moment, because they really do grow up too fast. Here are 12 of the funniest parenting tweets this week, from Twitter parents who certainly know how to make the best of things.

The Thanksgiving dinner our ancestors intended

I see no problem with this

Ho Ho Ho

Thoughts and prayers

Heartbreaking

It’s almost impressive

A true inspiration

Sounds unhealthy

Might as well buy stock in Duracell

You know they’re kept in my room

There goes the rest of your day

Sometimes the best thing to say is nothing

Did you miss last week’s funniest parenting tweets?

Deployed Dad Stays In Touch With Kids Through Ring Doorbell

Kids Use Doorbell for Deployed Dad
(YouTube/Ring)

Though there are certainly drawbacks to living in a world run by technology, advancements in technology provide incredible solutions to many of life’s problems. Especially during the era of COVID, technology has allowed us to stay connected when other modes of communication are no longer an option. Even before the pandemic, communication was a challenge for many – particularly members of the Armed Forces deployed overseas. Being deployed means leaving everyone and everything behind in order to bravely defend your country, and sadly, it often means missing out on some of your kids’ milestones and celebrations.

While stationed in the Middle East with Minnesota National Guard’s 34th Infantry Division, Peter DeCrans bought his family a Ring doorbell, assuming it would help him keep his family safe while he was away. For those who don’t know, a Ring doorbell is equipped with a camera that connects to the homeowner’s devices. If someone presses the button on your Ring doorbell while you’re away from home, you can see the camera’s video feed from wherever you are.

This feature brings peace of mind when you’re away from home, knowing that you’re able to keep a virtual eye on your house from anywhere in the world. But for Peter DeCrans, this feature gave him an incredible gift – one that no doorbell in history has been able to provide (a very odd sentence, yes, but they’re just going to keep getting weirder as technology evolves).

Every morning before school, DeCran’s 7-year-old son Zerick and 5-year-old daughter Petroula recorded a video using their Ring doorbell. And throughout his 10-month deployment, Peter DeCrans was able to receive them – over 100 videos of his adorable kids to keep his spirits up and remind him why he’s doing what he’s doing.

The videos became a highly-anticipated part of DeCrans’s days, something he eagerly looked forward to and cherished enormously during his time away from home.

DeCrans told the Twin Cities Pioneer Press, “It was one of the best things ever, a little slice of home. When you’re gone that long, you miss your kids, and you want to see them. It’s a way to feel connected to what’s going on.”

From thousands of miles away, DeCrans got the latest news from his kids. He heard about their days, new dances they learned, skills they proudly mastered – DeCrans was kept up-to-date on it all.

“It was just part of the routine,” he explained. “They’d get dressed for school, and then they’d swing outside and leave a quick message telling me about their day. … One day Zerick had really long hair, and the next day he had a buzz cut because he had a wood tick in his hair, and he didn’t want long hair anymore.”

In return, DeCrans recorded his own videos. Using a Kindle app he read stories to his kids, continuing a beloved activity the family did together while he was home. DeCrans was able to remain a big part of his kids’ lives from thousands of miles away, and it was all thanks to a doorbell.

This Is the Ultimate DC Extended Universe Chronological Timeline

dc movies in order
(Warner Bros.)

For decades, DC made money off all forms of Superman and Batman. Each superhero had his own television show(s) and a slew of movies. While the ultra-good Superman didn’t make much of an appearance in the early aughts (other than on Smallville), the brooding Batman reigned supreme. No matter the legendary actor who portrayed him, Batman was a blockbuster. With the likes of Penguin and Riddler, he’s had some seriously memorable villains. And let’s not forget the Dark Knight films that offered a particularly dark but enchanting look at Bruce Wayne’s most notorious enemy, The Joker.

Then came the MCU (Marvel Cinematic Universe). With the rise of Ironman and the rest of the Avengers, Batman suddenly didn’t have the same draw. After all, who can compete with Thor? Even Superman isn’t worthy. DC needed to find a way to compete with the MCU and with the end of Marvel’s “Phase 1” in sight, DC jumped at the chance. Enter the DC Extended Universe (DCEU). Playing off MCU’s lead, it was supposed to be a series of DC Character-led films all connected, full of callbacks and easter eggs. Sadly, it quickly jumped the tracks. (Or the shark, depending on how strongly you feel about the DCEU.)

There is an order to the DCEU films, though, and following it can make them more enjoyable. If you want to watch them in chronological order, so the flashbacks and callbacks make the most sense, here’s how…

DC Movies In Chronological Order

Wonder Woman

First, there’s the Wonder Woman flashback to Zeus’ creation of the Amazon women and their homeland, Themyscira. After all, Diana Prince (Gal Gadot) is Amazonian. The rest of the movie’s plot line takes place around World War I, when Captain Steve Trevor accidentally finds his way to Themyscira and is thus followed back to London by Diana/Wonder Woman, where she takes an active role in fighting alongside Allied Forces.

Man of Steel

Man of Steel was technically the first to be released within the timeline, even though the events within the movie all happen after Wonder Woman. Most of the film takes place in present-day (-ish), around 2013 with Superman (Henry Cavill) in his mid-to-late twenties. There are several “flashbacks,” however. The film shows the destruction on Krypton, Kal-El’s home planet, as well as his life as a child growing up in Kansas, as Clark Kent.

Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice

The vast majority of Batman v. Superman takes place about a year and a half after the events of Man of Steel. The film largely centers on Batman/Bruce Wayne’s (Ben Affleck) grudge against Superman because of the events of Man of Steel, so you’ll see flashbacks of that destruction, as well as looks at Bruce’s childhood in the ‘80s. So, still clearly after Wonder Woman.

Suicide Squad

Nearly all of the film’s events take place about 12 months after the events in Batman v Superman. How do we know? The biggest factor is that the death of Superman is brought up in the film. We also witness Bruce/Batman taking a step back and handing over the Justice League reins to Amanda Waller (Viola Davis). All clearly signs that time has passed.

Justice League

Justice League pushes the story further into the present, starting about a year after everything that goes down in Suicide Squad. That said, there’s a pretty cool flashback to the fight against Steppenwolf (the supervillain, not the band) that took place in the days of Atlantis and Olympus, thousands of years prior.

Aquaman

Technically, you don’t need to have seen any of the other DC movies in order to watch Aquaman, enjoy Jason Mamoa’s acting and still get the gist of the film. It does, however, take place some time after Justice League. (It also includes gloriously ‘80s flashbacks for a look at Aquaman’s origins.)

Shazam!

Did anyone even watch Shazam!? We won’t judge you if you skipped this one. For the record, though, almost all of the movie takes place over 2018’s holiday season.

Birds of Prey

As previously mentioned, this is where the DC franchise has started to unravel. Birds of Prey. This was the standalone, entirely following Harley Quinn, that fans wanted most. It happens several years after the events of everything in Justice League but pays very little mind to anything Harley did with the Suicide Squad. Hopefully, subsequent movies pull things back together.

DC Movies By Release Date

Man of Steel
June, 2013
Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice
March, 2016
Suicide Squad
August, 2016
Wonder Woman
June, 2017
Justice League
November, 2017
Aquaman
December, 2018
Shazam!
April, 2019
Birds of Prey
February, 2020

Michael Jordan Donates $2 Million To Food Banks in Chicago and Carolina

Jordan Donation
(Twitter/FeedingAmerica)

It’s the season of giving, and Michael Jordan once again proved why he’s a GOAT by making a huge donation to Feeding America to help the nearly 80 million food-insecure Americans during the holidays. During Thanksgiving week, Jordan donated $2 million to the organization supporting food banks around the country.

Jordan has proven his charitable side during the pandemic, as he helped fund two health care centers for uninsured people in his current hometown in North Carolina. It’s a huge gift from the sports legend that made a tremendous impact on those at-risk communities. And now, Jordan is helping feed the hungry in Chicago and North Carolina by gifting the proceeds of the recent “Last Dance” documentary on his final season.

Feeding America announced the gift and described it as ‘an incredible gift to be thankful for’ and said it would help feed their neighbors. Jordan, for his part, released a statement acknowledging the donation.

“In these challenging times and in a year of unimaginable difficulty due to COVID-19, it’s more important than ever to pause and give thanks,” he said. “I am proud to be donating additional proceeds from The Last Dance to Feeding America and its member food banks in the Carolinas and Chicago to help feed America’s hungry.”

The NBA Hall of Famer is certainly trying to rewrite his next chapter, as he’s been on a major philanthropic phase in the last year, with this gift, opening two health care centers for the uninsured, and with a $100 million gift over 10 years to fight racial inequality.

Jordan continues to cement his legacy as the GOAT.

Dad Keeps Thanksgiving Tradition Alive By Taking Post-Dinner Nap Over Zoom

Dad Takes Nap on Zoom
(Getty/Dylan Ellis)

CHULA VISTA, CA – While the Christiansen family was unable to gather in person this year for Thanksgiving due to the pandemic, 41-year-old Jason Christiansen, a father of two, wasn’t about to let that stand in the way of tradition, as he set up a Zoom call so that the entire family could watch him take a post-dinner nap.

“It just wouldn’t be Thanksgiving without Uncle Jason passing out on the couch,” said Jason’s niece Debbie, who along with the rest of the family played some virtual boardgames over Zoom while the audio from Jason’s snores intermittently cut in and out of the call.

While there was a brief moment where the entire Zoom call paused to see if Jason was waking up, it proved that he was just switching positions from one where the laptop camera showed an unflattering angle of his double chin to an even less flattering angle revealing his belly peeking out from beneath his shirt.

“It’s been a strange year, but it felt refreshingly normal to watch my brother fall asleep after consuming his weight in mashed potatoes,” said Jason’s brother Henry, who was grateful that Jason had upgraded to a premium Zoom account so that the family didn’t miss a single second of him napping.

As the entire family said their goodbyes and signed off the Zoom call around 10pm, it wasn’t until 3am that Jason finally woke up from his lengthy Turkey-induced nap and finally shut his laptop screen before immediately going to bed so he could sleep off the rest of the meal.

Despite being completely plausible to parents, THIS JUST IN is satire and intended for entertainment purposes only. For more stories like this one click here.

Tyler Perry Feeds 5,000 Families at Drive-Thru Thanksgiving Food Giveaway

Tyler Perry Thanksgiving Giveaway
(Getty/Albert L. Ortega Twitter/emilieIkedaFOX5)

When it comes to famous people, 2020 has shown us who the true GOATS are, the ones who help people in their greatest hour of need and go above and beyond in delivering that help. And it’s also shown us the ones who are astonishingly silent during this time or paying only lip-service when it comes to making a difference. You probably don’t need a reminder, but Tyler Perry is indisputably in that first group. That’s why he was recently crowned the people’s champ.

Perry has always had a philanthropic heart, giving to the people and charities that make a difference. But he’s kicked it up a gear during COVID times. He bought groceries for thousands of seniors during the height of pandemic paranoia, he went above and beyond to get his studio open safely so he could get people back to work, worked with local law enforcement to get gift cards to families in need, gave away $20,000+ in tips at his favorite restaurant, and is just an all-around good guy. Now, he’s helping feed people on Thanksgiving.

His studio announced the news of a giveaway of non-perishable food items and gift cards to the first 5,000 families who came by. The poster for the Thanksgiving giveaway said they wished they ‘could feed everyone’, but wanted to do what they could during a time when so many are food-insecure.

In a sign of how much it’s needed, cars started lining up THE DAY BEFORE the giveaway, like they were selling Playstation 5s. The long line even caused traffic problems.

Perry has given back during the holidays before, most notably a couple years back when he paid off $500,000 of layaway balances at Walmart for families. And this Thanksgiving give-away is another that will not soon be forgotten.

This should be the new barometer for charity work. If you’re causing traffic, it tells you what you’re doing is substantial, and it also tells you there are a lot of people in need, and hopefully his generosity inspires others to give back however they can during the holiday season.

Dad “Really Sad” That Vegan Relatives Can’t Attend Thanksgiving Amid Covid

Dad Sad on Thanksgiving
(Getty/PeopleImages)

CHESAPEAKE, VA – The COVID-19 pandemic has forced families to alter their Thanksgiving plans this year, meaning 36-year-old Greg Jeffries won’t be able to host a big family gathering like normal, which in turn has left him “utterly distraught” over the fact that his vegan relatives won’t be attending.

“I’m heartbroken, absolutely heartbroken,” said Greg while stuffing the tofurkey he bought last week straight into the trash, which he would have been forced to make for his sister-in-law and her husband before they ultimately canceled their travel plans.

While Greg also claimed to be sad that his meat-eating family members wouldn’t be coming to dinner this year, he made a point to stress that he was extra “inconsolable” and “unsure if he would ever find happiness again” over the fact that his vegan relatives wouldn’t be showing up and bringing vegan side dishes that took up valuable table space.

“Tears of joy? No, I’m really sad,” said Greg, who had tears running down his face when he pulled the delicious, meaty turkey out of the oven that he and his wife would be sharing without any concern for the dietary restrictions of others.

As Greg and his wife sat down to enjoy a smaller than usual Thanksgiving together, he realized that by this time next year the entire family would be able to gather safely again, vegans included. It was this realization that made him truly sad for the first time all day.

Despite being completely plausible to parents, THIS JUST IN is satire and intended for entertainment purposes only. For more stories like this one click here.

Former NFL Star Gives Away 200 Thanksgiving Turkeys

Marshawn Lynch handing out turkeys
(Twitter/RobDeMelloKHON)

Once a famous athlete retires, the sports world is quick to forget them. If they suddenly pop back up in the news, it’s not usually a good sign, but Marshawn Lynch is a clear exception to this. The former All-Pro running back who led the Seattle Seahawks to a pair of Super Bowls made news this week for his charitable side, as Beast Mode handed out 200 free turkeys to families in Hawaii (where he lives).

Big charitable efforts from celebrities are usually PR stunts, tied into a vague sounding foundation without a clear impact on helping people (this isn’t to dog all charities, some obviously do major good). Then there’s the other side of it, where people give directly to those in need. Like Josh Gad giving money to laid-off Disney workers, or Tyler Perry buying groceries for senior citizens.

Beast Mode falls into that category, as he not only helped buy turkeys for 200 fams, he donned the PPE and handed them out himself.

Officially, he partnered with Young’s Fish Market and his foundation, Fam1stFamily, to pull off the Thanksgiving giveaway. Former star football player at Hawaii, Chad Owens, also helped pass out the turkeys, and said they were “blessed” to have Marshawn out there donating turkeys and that he was there ‘to help and support Marshawn in his wanting to give this Thanksgiving season.”

Lynch has always been a big force of giving back to the community, as he’s participated in numerous food drives, built a school in Haiti, bought a soul food restaurant so it wouldn’t have to close and much more. And he also does stuff like this, which will make a big difference for a few hundred families on Thanksgiving. In the spring, he drove around on a golf cart handing out face masks to people to help stay safe during the pandemic.

Lynch was a terror on the field (hence the Beast Mode nickname), and though he was never a big interview off the field, his actions speak much louder to his character than any words could’ve.

 

Florida Man Becomes a Hero After Prying His Puppy From the Jaws of an Alligator

Florida man saves puppy from alligator
(YouTube/Inside Edition)

Buckle up folks, Florida Man is back. This isn’t your typical Florida Man story though – this time, FloridaMan is the superhero we desperately needed. While out walking near his backyard pond as he’s done countless times in the past, 74-year-old Richard Wilbanks had an encounter he won’t soon forget. Wilbanks took his 3-month-old puppy out for a walk, and unfortunately, a hungry alligator was quietly lurking under the pond’s surface.

Typically, when we see videos of alligators, it’s their powerful jaws and mammoth size that makes our blood run cold. Our only saving grace (or so we thought) is that their legs, though clawed and terrifying, are disproportionately small. They don’t seem like they’d be the most coordinated of creatures, let alone the fastest. But as Wilbanks, unfortunately, found out, a nearby snack is enough motivation for these short-legged predators to kick it up a notch.

“We were just out walking by the pond,” Wilbanks told CNN, “and it came out of the water like a missile. I never thought an alligator could be that fast. It was so quick.”

Before Wilbanks’s brain could catch up with his adrenaline-fueled body, the Florida retiree was in the pond with beloved puppy, his hands wrapped around the jaws of the alligator. He managed to keep the young alligator still as he poured all of his effort into prying open its powerful jaws.

After a Herculean struggle that was caught on nearby security cameras, our hero freed his helpless pup from the nearly 4-foot-long alligator’s grip. As if the remarkable save wasn’t impressive enough, this absolutely beast of a man held his cigar in his mouth throughout the entire encounter (which is honestly the most Florida Man thing we can imagine).

Wilbanks’s hands were cut badly from the alligator’s teeth, but after a trip to the doctor and a tetanus shot, he’s healing well. As for his puppy Gunner, incredibly, the dog was less injured than he was. With a single puncture wound on his abdomen, a trip to the vet was all he needed before returning home for some much-needed rest.

As for the alligator, well, he didn’t get his meal. But because of a partnership between the Florida Wildlife Federation and fSTOP, an organization geared towards conservation education through photography, residents of the area value living alongside native wildlife.

Wilbanks told CNN, “They’re part of nature and part of our lives.”

He explained that he didn’t want the alligator removed or hurt in any way, but he will be taking precautions by walking farther from the pond in the future.

“Our pets, they’re just like family to us,” Wilbanks said.

You hear that, alligators? Dogs are friends, not food.